Wait, are you stupid? Did you think your relationship was going to last with a piece of tail like that traveling all over the world being worshipped on a stage? Are you familiar with math? Hundreds of thousands of eligible bachelors are seeing her at her very best. THEN she’s hanging out with bored best pals on the road talking about everything that’s wrong with her life. Of course you’re getting dumped, dummy. All you can do now is brace yourself.
—
1. THE CHICK IN THE MIDDLE FROM AU REVOIR SIMONE
Even if you guys are engaged, it’s time to come to terms with the fact that you’re dumped. They’re van is going to swerve off the road in Winnipeg and she’s going to reevaluate her whole universe. You weren’t there for this transition and that means you’re part of her past now. Goodbye.
Video: “Sad Song”
—
2. THE BASSIST FROM FUCKED UP
Come on shithead. She’s sitting on a tour bus with dudes 10 months of the year. It’s a locker room on wheels. Please know that when they’re in Paris, she’s going to get way too drunk and French a dude. She’ll call you crying the next day and explain how little it meant but what are you going to do now? The trust has been broken.
Video: “Son the Father” instore
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3. THE ASIAN CHICK IN CSS
I think she’s married to that Klaxons dude so I’m not sure you’re even right about you two being an item but if you did manage to squeeze a night into her. Wow. You tasted the Holy Grail of poon and that is an honor you will take to the grave. Please don’t ruin it by trying to contact her again. She’s having way too much fun.
Video: “Move”
—
4. THE SINGER IN TAKEN BY TREES
Yeah, I know she’s a Goddess. Thanks for the heads up. My eyeballs let me in on that secret months ago. One thing you’ll notice about incredibly ethereal 10s who travel the world is they tend to get swooped up. In this instance it was by someone else in the band when there was a huge fire at the venue in Kansas City. There was smoke everywhere. He saved her life. All you ever did was buy her a magazine. You’re dumped.
Video: “My Boys”
—
5. THE CHICK WITH THE SAD FACE FROM EFFI BRIEST
Sorry, I thought you were kidding. You think she’s your girlfriend? Shit-for-brains, she’s not even your friend. She can’t be faithful to someone she doesn’t even know exists. Jesus. She was flirtatious at Daddy’s ONCE because she was bored. That’s it. By the way, why don’t you stop defining yourself by the people you think you’re dating and go do your own shit for a change? You don’t know how to do anything.
Video: “Some Song”
—
6. THE BLACK HAIRED CHICK IN DIRTY PROJECTORS
Her names Angel you fuckwit. What did you think she was going to do, miss you? You think Angels sit there in heaven going, “I wish Mark’s big, fat, hairy ass was sitting on this cloud next to me so I could teach it the harp”? No they don’t. They end up with some famous dude in another rival band that’s a bit better than them. That’s the way the universe works.
Video: “Stillness is the Move”
—
7. THAT CHICK FROM THE D0
Do you know what European women are? They’re men. They do the same lying and cheating and eating-the-opposite-sex-alive thing that men do to women here in North America. Shitlips, she was fucking with you. She thinks you were an amusing way to spend a stupid night in a small city she’ll never come back to. Stop talking about her. She doesn’t even remember your name.
Video: “On my Shoulders”
—
8. LADYHAWKE
You know what? I’m starting to think you’re full of shit. Pip Brown is not your girlfriend. You didn’t even fuck her. I’m going to have to treat this hypothetically and tell you: If you are dating a woman that IS a band in and of herself, if you’re dating an MIA or a Lady Gaga or a Joanna Newsom or a Regina Spektor or a Little Boots, or, yes, a Ladyhawke, the only way you’re going to keep her is to be unfathomably famous or so fucking rich, you make Dodi Fayed look like he works at the DMV.
Video: “Paris is Burning”
—
9. THE CHICK IN SLEIGH BELLS
OK, this band’s pretty new so here’s my advice if you think there’s a snowballs chance in Phoenix you’re not dumped. Become the kind of asshole you hear about in Women’s Studies classes and totally take over her life. Tell her touring and music makes her look fat and insist she stays at home 24 hours a day without talking to anyone – ever. You’re still going to get turfed but you’ll at least be able to prolong the relationship by like, a week.
Video: “Infinity Guitars”
—
10. THE TALL, SKINNY CHICK FROM BANG BANG ECHE
Every girl in a dude band ends up with the singer. She’s playing his songs, taking his cues, and watching him jump around all night with people screaming for his greatness. She’s basically a really talented employee with a lot of respect for her boss. If you’re dating her, you should either force the singer to become gay or smile and walk away.
Video: “As Thick as Thieves”
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See, this is the kind of posts that “10 great songs” SHOULD BE.
12.08.09 at 12:08 pm
Also replace sleigh bells with the chick (Wata was her name?) from Boris. I know you really love them but be a little more subtle.
12.08.09 at 12:12 pm
“Au revoir Peewee.”
“Au revoir Simone.”
12.08.09 at 12:14 pm
What about Thao with the Get Down Stay Down!
12.08.09 at 12:23 pm
Sleigh Bells. Yes, I watched that video and was thinking about that. How I wanted her more than anything in the world, and it will never happen. I still jerked it to the idea.
12.08.09 at 12:34 pm
…Now that’s what I call truth and accuracy in reporting, fuckstick! Dirty Projectress & Middle Simone = hard tens, both.
12.08.09 at 12:43 pm
what about the chick from the kills/dead weather? bang bang eche? really? she looks like bradford co
12.08.09 at 12:52 pm
thankfully I’ve never heard of any of these groups but if they are rock bands the woman are likely gay wether they know it now or not.
12.08.09 at 1:03 pm
What about some other great girl frome a band I like?
12.08.09 at 1:03 pm
And that bird Bat for Lashes is well-fit.
http://images.google.com/images?hl=en&safe=off&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla%3Aen-US%3Aofficial&um=1&sa=1&q=bat+for+lashes&aq=f&oq=&aqi=g10&start=0
12.08.09 at 1:07 pm
bass player, singer, singer bass player bass player singer singer singer.. WOAH! that one chick is playing a guitar! they can do that? weird!
12.08.09 at 1:11 pm
Did #3 piss and/or shit herself?
Yeh yeh. Wow, lady, you’re rebellious.
Wash your fucking shorts.
12.08.09 at 1:19 pm
I was thinking more along the lines of Norah Jones, she HAS sold over 37 million albums you know
12.08.09 at 1:24 pm
Gay Beach – the worst radio show ever. Ever.
12.08.09 at 1:50 pm
lame, except for #7 caption. true enough though not relegated to just euro chickies.
12.08.09 at 2:04 pm
AU REVOIR SIMONE are soo so enchanting. the weirdo with glasses chick is amusingly distracting though.
12.08.09 at 2:04 pm
Most of these are fairly replaceable, in fact, I’m already over most of them
12.08.09 at 2:05 pm
This rules.
12.08.09 at 2:13 pm
2/3 of au revoir simone broke up with their finances on tour. guess those dudes should have read this before buying the rings
12.08.09 at 2:20 pm
i don’t like #2 cuz she’s chubby
12.08.09 at 2:32 pm
I would totally be the sort of guy who went to his grave bragging about how the chick from Ladyhawke gave me a squeeze in the back of a shitty bar in Omaha. I would put it on my headstone and, yes, I would refer to her as my “girlfriend”. I am a total wimp.
12.08.09 at 2:35 pm
ewww..they all look like STDs
12.08.09 at 2:36 pm
Whatever happened to dating attractive women?
12.08.09 at 2:41 pm
them are a girls to liste nto satan music and made a sex in a illegal aliens! lol, peace!
12.08.09 at 2:41 pm
no lykke?
12.08.09 at 3:38 pm
Why do I get the feeling that all of these girls are simply variations on a theme for the author’s boner material?
12.08.09 at 3:59 pm
Fuck no thats cool
12.08.09 at 4:07 pm
Why do you feel the need to tell me this? Do you think I didn’t know? Ladyhawke hasn’t stopped answering my calls yet but when she scopes my hairy ass it’s the end for me. I know this. Stop being mean.
But seriously folks, fucking all of these girls is sort an achievement, no?
12.08.09 at 4:44 pm
P.S. I AM familiar with math. 4+4 = 2, dickhead.
12.08.09 at 4:53 pm
Why would you start with number one?
12.08.09 at 5:07 pm
Chicks in bands suffer from the most annoying cases of penis envy. I say no to all of them.
12.08.09 at 5:11 pm
alice would not do such a thing
12.08.09 at 5:20 pm
After the hipster evolution chart shite, last nights party shite, hipster vs. jews shite and then this run-down of hipster bands shite I’m seriously considering deleting SC from my favourites.
12.08.09 at 5:52 pm
correction: THE BRAZASIAN CHICK IN CSS…. Gostoooooosa.
12.08.09 at 6:03 pm
and Jade from Edward Sharpe. Although she looks inside the band to find a new boyfriend
12.08.09 at 6:24 pm
Bummer about Pip, though. She’s out there breaking all the girls’ hearts and couldn’t give less of a rat’s ass about us hairy dudes.
12.08.09 at 6:49 pm
ladyhawke is actually a legit lesbian.
weird right?
12.08.09 at 7:02 pm
Angel Deradoorian is fucking gorgeous the first time I saw her I was hooked and like her eyes and she has a nice ass
12.08.09 at 8:49 pm
fuck these cutesy art broads, I like girls that work at hair salons.
12.08.09 at 9:12 pm
sleigh bells are the kills with a fupa
12.08.09 at 9:20 pm
Needs more Alice
12.08.09 at 9:48 pm
eh..Gav..what aboot that chick from LCD Soundsytem?
12.08.09 at 11:07 pm
the tall skinny chick from bang bang eche is fucking enchanting. that is all.
12.08.09 at 11:41 pm
ladyhawk is rank as fuckkkkk
TNIZ FTW
12.09.09 at 2:20 am
This is the whitest site on the internet. I’ll have these bitches eating kibble out of my greasy palm.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gaj-7BroWNY&feature=related
12.09.09 at 3:13 am
T’Nealle from Bang Bang Eche is actually really short, and I don’t know whether she fucks the singer, but she writes all the songs, so I think all of that’s a bit moot.
12.09.09 at 4:58 am
more booze please. more fucking booze.
12.09.09 at 6:31 am
I saw the chick from Bang Bang Eche punch the singer in the face and then spit on him. She is brutal as fuck.
12.09.09 at 8:58 am
#7 is beautiful, but the Cirque du Soleil choreography has got me down.
12.09.09 at 9:22 am
fuck ALL these bitches
12.09.09 at 9:36 am
WHAT ABOUT TH ASIAN CHICK FROM POBPAH?!?!zOMG
12.09.09 at 11:48 am
hipster chicks are gayer than gays.
12.09.09 at 11:53 am
#7 scares me, but in a frisky kind of way. #6 is just hot, she can come over to my house and we can feel eachother up on the couch. and FUCKED UP suck monkey sperm.
12.09.09 at 12:14 pm
Nedelle and I flirted in an elevator for 37 seconds at ATP this September and I still won’t shut up about it.
12.09.09 at 3:17 pm
On sleigh bells: it’s never good when a mashup of your best song with fucking Lil Wayne blows the original out of the water. Look it up on the youboob, fer rillzz
12.09.09 at 4:22 pm
“HAT CHICK FROM THE D0″ – Only a woman could make playing an instrument look that uncool. No one cares about your Yoga skills lady.
12.09.09 at 6:58 pm
you all suck and all of these people probs like girls anyways who cares!!!!!!!!!!! I WILL DUMP EVERYONE !!!!!!!!!!
12.09.09 at 10:08 pm
@barry bored
Indeed, 2/3 of the Au Revoir Simone broke up with their fiances. I’m friendly with both of em’ and they’re stand up guys.
@Gavin
Because of this you are now dead to me.
12.10.09 at 12:38 am
[...] being in a band that plays in front of people are quietly snuffed out forever, Street Carnage has a list of ten girls who will dump you when they go on tour. You didn’t really think your thing with [...]
12.10.09 at 7:12 am
11. Elly Jackson / La Roux. Honey would burn you like Icy Hot on the nuts, as if you even could lay a squeeze on that piece.
12.10.09 at 4:19 pm
One time I took a crap in the swimming pool of a cruise ship.
That floater really upset some sensitive people’s vacation.
12.12.09 at 12:54 pm
Killer bands you posers picked. Never heard of any of em.
12.14.09 at 3:55 am
For once, I agree with Vane$$a. Girls in bands are never as good as their male counterparts. Maybe some women are good songwriters, and some are hot, but a girl guitarist, bass player, or (gah!) drummer is there for her curb appeal and that’s it. And of course, they’ll all eventually quit to squirt out some babies.
04.19.10 at 4:28 pm