About two decades ago a guy got horny for some random chick in a bar and then YOU came out of her cunt. How random is that? It’s randomonium. Who is this fucking old man in a bathrobe who gave you your DNA? Here’s 10 things that sketch you out about him.
1- HIS DICK
Let’s get this thing out of the way first. What the fuck is with your dad’s dick? It’s a cylinder. Is that what happens to your dick after you beat it off 16,000 times? I don’t want to have a weird Coke can hanging out of my pubes when I get old. Shit.
2- HE BEATS OFF
Ew, your dad beats his meat. When he’s sure he’s alone, he puts in some weird VHS tape that has a corny gangbang scene and he beats off. Does he cum in a tissue? Where does he put it? Ew, your dad cums in a tissue.
3- HE CRIED
I mean, it sucks that his parents died and you’re probably going to cry when he dies but that doesn’t make him crying any less weird. A big, salty, wet, tear crawled out of his wrinkly eyes and slid down his face into his beard. Your dad cried, dude. He sobbed. He was blubbering and your mom held him.
3- HE HAS DIARRHEA
After he eats a bad oyster, the defecation feels like Braveheart being disemboweled. Shit is ripped out of his ass into the bowl so hard, and he can feel it in his chest. Holy shit does your dad ever have diarrhea.
By the way, what is with that weird toothpastey shit smell he leaves in the bathroom after he’s done? Did a million dead Africans murder a rat in there using mints? Gross.
4- HE DRIVES MORE DRUNK THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE
Even if he wanted to tell you about this he couldn’t because he doesn’t remember a thing. He stumbled to his car, fumbled with his keys, poured himself into the front seat and weaved his way home. He probably hit a dog, he MAY have hit a kid. We’ll never know. Your dad puts about seven lives in jeopardy every time he goes to a bar.
5- HE DOESN’T FUCK YOUR MOM ANYMORE
This is probably good news in your twisted, shitty books. They went down to once a month in their 30s but by the time 40 hit, it was barely once a year. Now it’s none. He’s still horny though. What does he do about it? See #2. That’s why #1 looks the way it does.
6- HE GOT IN SHIT FROM HIS BOSS
Someone bawled out your dad. They yelled. They said, “Jesus Fucking Christ -” then they put his name at the end. He just sat there and took it too because he knew he was wrong. He did blow that account. Weird. Someone tore your dad a new ass.
7- HE HAD A WEIRD ORGY SCENE
Back in the 70s, when everyone was digging free love, he had a thing with that family friend that you know really well (the mom bought you Electronic Battleship). They both did. Your mom Frenched that dude with the black hair and your dad felt Rhoda’s tits. They were super wasted and they never talked about it ever again but that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. It did.
8- HE SUCKED HIS MOTHER’S TITS
This isn’t so weird because he was only a baby but it went down so there’s no use denying it.
9- HE SOMETIMES ENVIES YOU
He pretends he doesn’t give a shit who Sleigh Bells are and he rolls his eyes every time you say “Like” but sometimes he looks at you guys and thinks, “I remember having enthusiasm for bullshit like that. Fuck. I don’t care about anything anymore. All I want is a six-pack. You could leave me alone in an abyss of blackness but if I wasn’t cold and I had a beer, I’d be happy. A chair? Yeah, I’d like to have a chair too but if there wasn’t one there, I wouldn’t care. I’d just sit on whatever the abyss calls ‘a floor.’ Look at these kids. They barely get hangovers. They fuck and do drugs and they don’t have a care in the world. What I would give to be them just for a day. I’d even be my daughter I don’t care. I’d have tits and wear tight jeans. What the fuck is the matter with me? Am I gay?”
Your dad thinks shit like that.
10- HE’S GOING TO DIE
You’ll be old enough to handle it and it’s not going to come out of nowhere but one day, he will be lying there, deceased. His face will be all wizened and empty looking and there will be no life left in it. And then, that’s it. Your dad’s dead. So you better get over all this other bullshit and love his ass off while you can because one day, there will be no dad and you’ll miss that stupid asshole.
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my dad abused me
12.01.09 at 2:51 pm
that doesn’t sound like my dad, it sounds like some shitty boomer dad- fuck’em, i’m glad that asshole died, he sucks shriveled coke can dicks and coughs on pubes.
12.01.09 at 2:52 pm
best
12.01.09 at 3:05 pm
How do you konw me so well ?! It’s me in the futur, when I’ll be a good father.
12.01.09 at 3:08 pm
Brilliant.
12.01.09 at 3:10 pm
i wanted my dad to die for the longest time. when he did, i found that i was neither sad nor happy, but rather relieved. some people just need to leave this earth for the betterment of others if they refuse to change. i’m glad he finally did the right thing and dropped dead as he did not seem keen on improving upon his particularly errant ways in the slightest.
12.01.09 at 3:18 pm
You forgot that one time when he tried to teach me to ride a car when i was eight. He just got really angry and it was the worst experience of my hitherto life.
12.01.09 at 3:30 pm
http://www.ispub.com/ispub/iju/volume_5_number_1/subcutaneous_cavernous_lymphangiom_of_the_scrotum/scrotum-fig1.jpg
Barfers!
12.01.09 at 3:44 pm
This made me laugh and then it made me sad
12.01.09 at 3:50 pm
shit was lame. He cries? He has diarrhea? Oh fuck!
12.01.09 at 3:57 pm
my dad has never cried. true story.
12.01.09 at 3:58 pm
Terrifying!
12.01.09 at 4:11 pm
I think what freaks me out the most is that the chain smoking, over-eating, bitter, racist ass motherfucker won’t die. And he hits on my women.
It’s cool. I took a dump in his hot tub.
12.01.09 at 4:12 pm
If you lose respect for your father because he cried when one of his parents died, you are an unfeeling asshole. This shit is juvenile. If you haven’t figured out a way to deal with the fact that your parents are shit-blowing gas-bags who like to hump on occasion and do have sexual feelings, then you’re a lost cause. I wonder how you deal with the darkness when you turn out the lights.
12.01.09 at 4:14 pm
My dad once picked his nose and i saw him do it. He then ate it and winked at me and said “dont tell Greg, he will get jealous”.
12.01.09 at 4:17 pm
11. Your dad hates you because you’re a fucking moron. He knows it, mom knows it and he realizes that even Gammy has figured it out by now. He’s SUPPOSED to love you, but knows that eventually you will write shit like this essay.
12.01.09 at 4:25 pm
This site’s done. Just shut it down.
12.01.09 at 4:27 pm
Nice piece Gavin.
12.01.09 at 4:28 pm
This just in: Boner Alert!
http://www.lastnightsparty.com/kitkat/slides/IMG_5882.html
(Shoulda waited for next new post but just couldn’t.)
12.01.09 at 4:49 pm
Gav, having kids has fucked you up.
You are now way more introspective and feeling than ever. I understand that having a family and kid makes you reflect and you see the other side now that you are on that other side. But dude……c’mon, this shit is weak.
12.01.09 at 4:51 pm
That “boner” looks like grampa munster.
12.01.09 at 4:55 pm
my dad is from bangladesh so none of this applies except surprisingly the minty shits. is that one of those universal things? to this day, the worst shits i’ve ever smelt have been his.
freud (or some other fag, idk) said that your father is your model for God. It always explained a lot to me as to why so many kids who had no father acted the way they did, as if there was no god, or worse, a female god. That’s also why I think there are a lot of these privileged, entitled little fucks, cuz their fathers were giant pussies (not in the ‘real men dont cry’ way, but in the ‘i won’t take responsibility for my actions’ way.)
12.01.09 at 4:56 pm
my dad rode a sportster, stole cars, kicked asses and pointed shotguns in peoples faces, no one ever bawled out my dad.
12.01.09 at 5:07 pm
My dad is a pretty cool dude and I respect him a lot. Sorry, not going to freak out that he’s a human being.
12.01.09 at 5:29 pm
Awww… Are we going through a little mid-life crisis? I bet that if you took your kids’ mom on a nice little getaway she would have sex with you again.
12.01.09 at 5:30 pm
As a child it used to piss me the fuck off that whenever my Dad took a shit he always did it in the downstairs kid’s bathroom instead of upstairs in his bathroom. What the fuck, dad? I still ask him about it, and he has no reasonable explanation. Weird.
12.01.09 at 5:37 pm
11. Your father spent countless hours trying to convince your mother to let him have anal. She finally said yes but it was awkward and weird for her. When your father pulled out, your mother farted and a bit of poo came out. It was on Christmas eve and you were pretending to be asleep but were too excited about your presents to go to bed.
12.01.09 at 6:08 pm
dude, boring yo, your stuff is normally fun too.
12.01.09 at 6:09 pm
what has been read can not be unread
12.01.09 at 6:24 pm
Ew, ur dad was breast fed??? ur family is a bunch of gross hippies.
12.01.09 at 6:45 pm
Dear Offspring,
Ha! I’m that dad now! El oh my! I spent your inheritance on nut wax.
Love,
Daddy
P.S. I just called my damn self “Daddy” (oh and I smoke weed like a fiend and have women younger than you “model” for me ‘cuz I told them I’m a photographer).
12.01.09 at 6:46 pm
@Narwhal
Your Mother made him do it. He didn’t want to admit it though.
12.01.09 at 6:46 pm
‘he sucked his mothers tits’
hang it up. you will never write anything better than that line. no one will.
12.01.09 at 6:57 pm
I stifled a laugh so hard at the poop part that my eyes teared up.
Also, whenever I brought a hot new girl by my dad’s place, I could see that he envied me, and even now I know he kind of envies me for having a hot wife. I like to tell myself that he’s “proud” of me for landing a beautiful girl, but if I’m really honest, it gets creepy. It’s really envy rooted in lust. I just swallowed a barf.
Then, thanks to Just Ben up there, I saw this:
http://www.lastnightsparty.com/kitkat/slides/IMG_5891.html
and spilled a barf.
12.01.09 at 7:01 pm
I love my Dad so much.
12.01.09 at 7:20 pm
what is the minty shit? i thought that was just my dad. i thought it was both my parents actually. it makes me fucking sick to my stomach.
12.01.09 at 7:41 pm
the mint shit is a bi-product of all the aqua velva after shave running through his body
12.01.09 at 7:44 pm
Looking at your Dads ass crack while hes washing the car is pretty brutal, most kids turn gay from this.
12.01.09 at 8:23 pm
ya all these things happen
but when your dad is cool its all void
my dad is a professional wrestler from the late 80’s early 90’s
so he can really do no wrong
12.01.09 at 8:36 pm
Maybe you could have your interns take a break from writing shitty blog posts and drop off some DVDs at the post office.
12.01.09 at 9:05 pm
I’d take the minty dad shit over the post-menopausal mum shit any day.
12.01.09 at 9:52 pm
my dad is dead
12.01.09 at 10:08 pm
@Maxipad: I laughed out loud, good one.
12.01.09 at 10:27 pm
eww thanks for the mental picture.
12.01.09 at 11:30 pm
This is your dad 30 years ago.
http://www.lastnightsparty.com/kitkat/slides/IMG_5891.html
12.02.09 at 2:11 am
That’s two #3s.
12.02.09 at 3:15 am
This site is being written for 8-year olds.
12.02.09 at 5:42 am
Boring
12.02.09 at 6:32 am
this site has taken a turn for the absolute worst, now we’ve got 6th grade creative writing prompts? for shit sakes
12.02.09 at 9:37 am
also my dad listened to much more interesting and dynamic music than fucking sleigh bells. jesus christ.
12.02.09 at 9:42 am
pitch perfect
12.02.09 at 11:40 am
Yes.
12.02.09 at 2:05 pm
What is a dad? I was raised in the Bronx.
12.02.09 at 4:15 pm
Come on I’m listening to N.P.R. from now on its way more mature than this.
12.02.09 at 4:38 pm
My dad is gay but confirmed this is all right on from personal experience. he was stuck having sex with dudes who fit this description to a T for years while he was in the closet.
12.02.09 at 5:34 pm
Really? You guys are just figuring out that you parents aren’t infallible?
Holy shit…
12.02.09 at 5:41 pm
fuck yeah Gavin. This is the old school Vice-type shit. keep it coming. street boners is on a roll lately. just stop giving all your good shit to platform
12.02.09 at 6:27 pm
Stop polluting my mind! You bastard!
12.02.09 at 10:16 pm
this made me happy and sad at the same time. also a little scared.
12.03.09 at 7:51 pm
My dad abused me. Then he died.
12.04.09 at 5:33 pm
Taking shits, jacking off, getting yelled at at work and having regrets about the past… your dad seems like a pretty decent guy.
Except for creating such a little whiny bitch of a son.
02.20.10 at 7:20 pm
tear
06.02.10 at 2:45 pm