Making love in your brain is a very delicate act that can easily be thrown into the toilet. Here are ten big no-nos digital ladies of the evening perpetrate on a daily (daily? millisecond-ly — it’s the Internet) basis.
1. JAPANESE PORN
Don’t get me wrong: If a yella’ gal was born here, I’m all over her like white on rice, but what the fuck is with Nipporn? She sounds like a mouse getting CPR. “Ah ah ah ah ah eeh …” Is this your first time? Lady, I remember my first time and it sucked balls (mostly because it would never, ever, possibly, in a million years, include something as adventurous as ball-sucking). We don’t want you to sound like a tween getting raped by André the Giant. We want a fucking whore, or more specifically, a fairly dumb and attractive woman with a dark past who has a voracious appetite for love-making.
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2. HIPSTERS
Porn stars are women who got fucked by their dad. You don’t have to condone that to enjoy porn the same way you don’t have to condone Tyson’s horrible childhood to enjoy watching him fight. However, seeing the deflowering of an educated, middle-class girl with too many tattoos is everything the religious right says about porn, but true. These poor girls have been duped into thinking they’re “pin-ups” while they are actually doing a job only someone with a mentally numb vagina should be doing. Suicide Girls and Burning Angels can convince themselves it’s empowering and they’re “owning” their sexuality or whatever bullshit they’ve been tricked into believing but the truth is, unless you’re already damaged beyond repair, working in the sex industry, in any capacity, will wreck you.
So yeah, please don’t bring this concept to my frontal lobe when I’m trying to masturbate.
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3. A BIG BLACK COCK
I used to think it was racist to not enjoy a huge moulinyan going in and out of some lady’s vagina but then I realized, “Man, you know the P.C. pendulum has swung too far to the left when you feel bad for not beating off to black cocks.” Do blacks even want that kind of admiration? “Hey man, not only are some of my best friends black, I even beat off to you guys.” Sorry, porn is about pretending the guy on the screen is you, so if the guy isn’t a gross, old, pale wimp, I can’t get my groove on.
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4. FAKE TITS
It’s hard to avoid fake tits in porn, so they’re something we just have to tolerate but that doesn’t mean we are not bummed about their ubiquity, especially when some skinny, flat chick turns her profile into the letter P by gluing bowling balls to her chest. Pizza slices, ferret heads, even no tits at all are better than those fucking tumors. Who started this trend anyhow? Every guy I know feels the same way. When we see that weird seam around the nipple and the inhuman shape it holds together, we think, “My dad could have those.”
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5. RAUNCHY BITCHES
I know I said I’m into whores, and I am. Ladies, I want you to pretend you’re totally out of control and having feelings in your area you’ve never felt before but don’t say, “That’s right motherfucker! Stuff my dirty fucking hole!” Jesus, lady, who are you, the boss of me? Let me make something clear: Porn is used by lazy people to jog memories and kick start fantasies from one’s past. I’ve never fucked Satan’s wife, so stop pulling me out of it by being turning all your words into insulting diarrhea.
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6. LAUGHING OR EVEN SMILING
I know you do this fucking thing so often that it’s like using a golf ball cleaner but can you not remind me of that by riffing like we’re at the water cooler? Don’t look at me, roll your eyes into the back of your head, and faint. Oh, and that sort of “Fuck yeah, that feels good” smile is almost just as bad. I’m not fucking you with a guitar riff lady, stop grooving out.
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7. SOLO MASTURBATING ONES
These reek of “Gotta pay my tuition, so I’m just going to pray my brother doesn’t see it.” That’s not cutting it. You need to either go whole hog or not at all. I’m not so horny that simply seeing a naked lady (oooh, I’m so scared) is going to make me bust a nut. We’re not in Iran.
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8. HATS
Am I the only person that can’t stop laughing when he hears Joe Cocker sing, “You Can Leave Your Hat On”? That’s what it’s about right? Some chick in a cowboy hat with a queer grin on her face bending over? How fucking lame can you get? High heels and lingerie emphasize a woman’s features, and that’s welcome while getting a boner for a woman’s features but a fucking hat? Now the fact that it’s really sunny out is part of the boner? All other hats are equally irritating. The fedora makes us think of modern jazz. A big sun hat is just awkward, and a beanie? A fucking beanie? What are you, cold? Combat boots and sneakers are silly but they don’t really bother us, however, when you stick a motherfucking wool hat on top it becomes fucking a retard, and sorry but Down’s is a downer.
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9. THAT STUPID CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRL UNIFORM
Call me square but I don’t want to fuck children. Even if I did, I would be so fucking bored of that stupid cliché with the socks and the Mary Janes and that plaid skirt. Fuck you. Pigtails and a lollipop? Do you have the imagination of a hot dog bun? When you see that lame-ass Halloween costume in porn you can’t help but think you’re watching a pedophile and his brain dead wife try to stop being ashamed of how old she’s become. Bitch, we want you to be old. Let your droopers swing around in circles while you get the shit fucked out of your cellulite ass.
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10. YOUR MOM WALKING IN
What the –? “Oh, sorry.” As the door clicks closed, your eyes sink to the floor and you surprise yourself by contemplating finishing. “Of course not,” you reply to yourself. Then a million more questions arise. What do I do now, walk out and make a sandwich? Kill myself? Jump out the window and not come back for a few months? All those things make this horrible situation even more embarrassing. Like it or not, the only solution to this apocalyptic accident is to suck it up, walk out there, and just keep telling yourself, “I’m a wanker, motherfuckers. Deal with it.”
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STREET BONER 1127
Being straight edge as a kid is a great way to rebel against: puking, getting pregnant, and wrapping your parent’s car around a tree.
Bad Behavior has blocked 4360 access attempts in the last 7 days.
the ubiquitous, inevitable anal sex scene. everything’s going great and all of a sudden the guy shoves his dick up her ass and usually sans condom. total turn-off for a woman. i clench my anus in empathetic pain for that poor girl on the screen and her soon-to-be prolapsed anus and think of how many diseases can be passed through the new rips he’s putting in her ass.
11.03.09 at 12:16 pm
I agree one hundred percent with all of this. Oh, and if circa-Fast-Times Phoebe Cates were my mom, I’d have some serious Oedipal problems. If she has a son, I can’t imagine that he doesn’t jack it to his mom’s old films.
11.03.09 at 12:26 pm
You forgot sunglasses.
11.03.09 at 12:39 pm
28 minute blow job scenes suck as well. no pun intended
11.03.09 at 12:40 pm
Santa hats.
11.03.09 at 12:41 pm
Regarding Phoebe Cates’s son, he played the younger brother in Squid and the Whale–his character jacks it and rubs the conclusion on books and lockers at his school. I’ll bet you the picture WAS his mom.
11.03.09 at 12:43 pm
“I’m a wanker motherfucker, deal with it.”
11.03.09 at 12:55 pm
This list could actually go on forever. What about pussy eating? Or worse, salad-tossing? It becomes almost impossible for me to get off on a girl if I’ve ever seen her put her tongue to an asshole. Dad points out a good one too, and I’d say ditto for regular eyeglasses in most cases, and SUPERditto for when they get cum on them. Which leads me to another gross-out bonerkill that I hate seeing: the whole drink the cum out of a champagne glass thing. What the fuck?
11.03.09 at 1:04 pm
dude. so fuckin funny.
11.03.09 at 1:07 pm
“a beanie?! What are you, cold?”
11.03.09 at 1:08 pm
I’m a skinny white kid and I prefer gigantic black dicks in my porn. I bet a great deal of skinny white kids feel the same. It all goes back to me idolizing Tupac my entire life, like, “I could be HIM. Inside of HER.”
11.03.09 at 1:10 pm
Hear, hear!
(Although I’m not going to bat a solo masturbation video out of someone’s hand if offered).
And, I’ll add completely shaved/waxed poons to the list, as it it all relates to Number 9 on this list — I don’t want to go out of my way to make it seem like I’m having sex with a child. I know, weird, huh?
11.03.09 at 1:13 pm
“Man, you know the P.C. pendulum has swung too far to the left when you feel bad for not beating off to black cocks.”
Quote of the year.
11.03.09 at 1:16 pm
åç†uåLL¥ you left out titty fucking and that boring ass thing when they’re in the middle of a blow job they waste time by slapping the dick against the boobs.
–my 2 cents
11.03.09 at 1:23 pm
german porn. i don’t watch this crap to hear some schwarzenegger sounding guy scream YEEEEEEAAAAAHHHH like he’s busting the best nut ever for 10 minutes. no fucking thank you.
11.03.09 at 1:27 pm
To paraphrase Sean Rouse, watching someone eat pussy in porn is like watching hockey on TV. It’s okay on the screen but better in person.
I could do with less of that horny guy’s voice behind the camera, where it’s low and breathy as he talks to the chick before they get into it. “Yeah, you wanna suck that cock, don’t you?” We don’t need your voice or the exposition.
11.03.09 at 1:30 pm
“Anonymous Says:
the ubiquitous, inevitable anal sex scene. everything’s going great and all of a sudden the guy shoves his dick up her ass and usually sans condom. total turn-off for a woman.”
Ahem… Women shouldn’t watch that kind of porn. Go read a romance novel and leave the asshole fucking to the men.
11.03.09 at 1:32 pm
real men fuck each other’s asses. totes forgot.
11.03.09 at 1:42 pm
so funny.
11.03.09 at 1:44 pm
You should see how god awful gay porn is.
Usually two skinhead Ukrainian (or some other shitty eastern bloc country) thirty year olds, pretending to be sixteen year olds from like Montana giving extra special congratulations after a ‘moust agzelant ehmericaain foutbul’ game.
Plus, they have less hair than my little sister. Hard for a hirsute Jew to imagine into that.
11.03.09 at 1:44 pm
A nicely done, relatively subtle boob job is better than flap jack tits in my book any day. I also don’t follow your aversion to solo scenes. However, the whole groovy, smiling thing is completely spot on.
11.03.09 at 2:04 pm
I’m not fucking you with a guitar riff lady, stop grooving out.
haa
11.03.09 at 2:05 pm
balls in the ass dick in the pussy. look that one up.
11.03.09 at 2:08 pm
I agree with the fake tits thing. Can’t stand it. But what are pizza slices and ferret heads? Can we get examples?
11.03.09 at 2:16 pm
Well, when I’m not operating gloryholes at Penn Station or inviting people to fight me in downtown Oakland [you know who you are d-bag]…
…I have to say that I am also almost 100 percent utterly repulsed by Japanese porn. I can forgive almost all trash culture except for that shit.
Blah blah blah…I have half-asian cousins, my aunt is from Kyoto. I am familiar with the freaken culture.
And I definitely don’t mean “Americans who are Japanese” when I ask the question “WTF is wrong with those people?” Dude…I don’t even want to get specific because I’m eating right now.
I mean – yeah, duh – I know what’s wrong with them, but wouldn’t Japanese men have the foresight to not advertise their Freudian insecurities worldwide?
Just a suggestion guys.
11.03.09 at 2:36 pm
Oh…and if you have a problem with me, please be a grownup and contact me directly thru my link. It isn’t hard to track me down. You can call me any name in the book and yes, I can handle civilized discourse.
11.03.09 at 2:39 pm
Im with Drippy on the Tits, and I like a completely bald pussy or a little landing strip. If that means I subconsciously want to fuck little girls then, “I’m a wanker, motherfuckers. Deal with it.”
11.03.09 at 2:43 pm
^^I hope to god you’re not serious, or if you are, at least be 12 or under
11.03.09 at 2:47 pm
I agree with the whole colored guy penis thing.
11.03.09 at 3:01 pm
You know what rules? When you find the “doppelgänger”–henceforth known as a “doppelbänger”–of a super hot actress who you know will never show her tits!
For example: Lizzy Caplan (Freaks and Geeks, Cloverfield, Party Down, etc.)
http://porno.dreammovies.com/video224267/ellie_idol_very_hot_scene
11.03.09 at 3:02 pm
Whoever doesn’t like girls getting fucked in glasses has obviously never done it in person. Pretty much the best. I’ve actually had one girl demand that I bust a nut on them. WIN!
11.03.09 at 3:12 pm
I get tired of reverse cowgirl. I know it’s revealing for the camera but I’ve never personally cum from that position. There’s not much to look at either unless she leans forward but then it’s like an asshole telling you you’re getting verrry sleepy. I always feel like she’s gonna come down at the wrong angle and snap my dink in half.
11.03.09 at 3:16 pm
jesus h. macy, im no position to call people picky litle faggots, but u n these commenters most certainly are. You’re watching strangers fuck ( usually) for free. Take it or leave it. If you’re not satisfied with the production values or the cinematography or some shit, get a camcorder ,take ur meaty azn/injun bride to the cheescake factory , buy her like 6 of those pineapple martinis, then get back home n press play. or just film it IN the cheesecae factory, they have really roomy bathroom stalls. man, i fucking love the cheesecake factory.
11.03.09 at 3:23 pm
“I get tired of reverse cowgirl”.
Oh, I get it. This post is for people who don’t actually get to HAVE sex.
11.03.09 at 3:24 pm
killer for me (male) is mushroom dicks (tip huge, shaft skinny). I don’t want to see any of these whores defaced by these.
11.03.09 at 3:25 pm
I’m absolutely shocked we’ve had this many comments without anyone mentioning the sweaty grimacing shot of a man’s face just before the end of the scene. It’s as if the editor said, “look, I know I’ve made a lot of horrible decisions thus far, but I’m not nearly done, I’m going to ruin the end of this too.”
Editor: “But we need an establishing shot of the man’s face.”
Which is true I suppose, without it I wouldn’t know if it was the man or the women in the scene who had the ejaculating penis at the end — would leave far too many questions unanswered.
11.03.09 at 4:17 pm
call me a dork but i hate all the violent stuff. slapping and choking girls and stuffing a huge dick down their throats until they barf, these things seem like they should be weird fringe porn but it’s in like 75 percent of internet porn. what the fuck is the deal with that? i resent the implication that all men want to brutally injure the women they’re fucking.
awesome post though, kudos gavin
11.03.09 at 4:22 pm
“downs is a downer” hahahaaa
have you guys ever thought of how screamingly hilarious it would be if you could catch downs syndrome like a cold? just have it for a week or something? somebody would come into your office and be like “damn, doug, you don’t look so good” and you’d be like “NNNNYYYYEEEEEUUUURRRRRGGGGGG” and you’d go into the bathroom and look in the mirror and your eyes would be starting to go crossy and shit. damn, i’m coming down with downs. pretty soon everybody in the office would have it. holy shit that would be funny.
11.03.09 at 4:27 pm
The washing instructions tag sticking out the back of your underwear is a total turnoff.
11.03.09 at 4:29 pm
any music. at all.
11.03.09 at 4:32 pm
this is the best i’ve seen in a while. nice one.
11.03.09 at 5:03 pm
I used to hate having to watch black male porn stars fucking because they talk too much and when they’re analizing a white girl it looks like she’s taking a shit. But now I don’t care. mangled knuckles is a sissy mary.
11.03.09 at 5:55 pm
“Now the fact that it’s really sunny out is part of the boner?”
goddamn hilarious
“Bitch, we want you to be old. Let your droopers swing around in circles while you get the shit fucked out of your cellulite ass.”
I really felt like you were talking to me.
ew Says:
take ur meaty azn/injun bride to the cheescake factory , buy her like 6 of those pineapple martinis
I am someones meaty azn, and now I want to do that
11.03.09 at 6:19 pm
Totally agree about the burning angel shit. Getting double-stuffed by dudes on camera doesn’t make you a ground breaking feminist. It just makes you another girl with two dicks in her cunt whom I masturbate to. I’m sure a series of coke-fueled nights led to them believing that they were changing the way we masturbate but the reality is that they are just something different to consume for a bit before I sploodge and regret the wasted 5 minutes.
11.03.09 at 6:25 pm
@Penis Largo, DDS: I’m never letting a dentist knock me out again. I’ll take the pain.
(funniest name ever – cheers)
11.03.09 at 6:32 pm
woah mark “k-punk” fisher, dissensus club here
11.03.09 at 6:37 pm
I appreciate that the clips used to illustrate each point are (almost) PG. I feel respected.
11.03.09 at 7:22 pm
porn is gay.
11.03.09 at 7:35 pm
i find it difficult to masturbate to the enumclaw videos.
11.03.09 at 7:40 pm
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11.03.09 at 7:50 pm
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11.03.09 at 8:24 pm
I like softcore porn the harder stuff gets old sometimes I also like the whole black cock thing mostly just because I like watching girls get fucked by big cocks they can really be any color because I have a good size cock and I know how into some women get plus if they’re little they just look fucking gross
@mangled knuckles I wasn’t onto that till I found out a lot of girls like it sometimes maybe not as extreme as some porn but some gagging, smacking and over powering done right made one squirt for the first time and a few others very happy
11.03.09 at 8:32 pm
Gavin; you’re where the fuck is the drive?
11.03.09 at 8:47 pm
This was great and relatable! “A beanie? What are you cold!?”
excellent.
11.03.09 at 9:30 pm
is number 8 being fucked by Max Hardcore? because he should be number one on your list. i got horribly laughed at for jerking it one night at a sleepover after we watched one of his films. i had to vehemently deny that he did NOT give me a boner.
11.03.09 at 10:19 pm
I personally hate the whole spitting thing. When did it become “hot” for 1 battered whore to hock a loogie on another beat-ass whores vagina? Keep your bad habits off the screen, please.
11.03.09 at 11:15 pm
Sir Fagsalot.
No, not joking. I like a clean shaven cunt. Hows that for radical thinking!? I’m totally crazy huh! It’s like I’m a twelve year old boy!
Quick, tell Gavin!
“Hey Gavin! Gavin! It’s Sewer Rats! No the commenter! He broke your rules! He likes a pussy that’s not hairy, and he’s not opposed to fake tits!”
11.03.09 at 11:22 pm
Can’t believe none of you guys mentioned when the guy starts whacking himself right before he comes to feed the little baby birdies with their mouths wide open. Nothing ruins porn more for me than a guy with his hand on his cock.
11.04.09 at 1:12 am
‘The sweaty grimacing shot of a man’s face just before the end of the scene. It’s as if the editor said, “We need an establishing shot of the man’s face.”
Which is true I suppose, without it I wouldn’t know if it was the man or the women in the scene who had the ejaculating penis at the end — would leave far too many questions unanswered.’
Funniest fucking thing I’ve read on a long while. Also, reverse cowgirl – I too fear for my boner’s structural integrity during this one. Luckily I broke up with my girlfriend last week, so it’s not a problem I’ll be facing in the near future!
11.04.09 at 2:16 am
@ booty: pics please
11.04.09 at 2:17 am
‘i had to vehemently deny that he did NOT give me a boner.’
I had to read this about six times to understand it (you know, changing all the negatives to positives). It’s not a criticism, I’m just a bit stupid.
11.04.09 at 2:19 am
Damn you guys are some picky wankers, with the exception of #10 occurring I hope to see 1-9 in any porn I watch @ least twice! In a world where scat, bestiality, & CBT can occur some of your biggest gripes are black cocks, catholic schoolgirl outfits, & porns stars smiling… LOL!!!!
11.04.09 at 2:36 am
All porn is fucking boring.
Nuff said!
11.04.09 at 6:06 am
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11.04.09 at 9:54 am
Finally something awesome.
I completely agree.
Also: “Women who look into the camera” Unless it’s a POV she should be into the sex and trying to get off, not looking into the camera like she loves the attention.
11.04.09 at 11:22 am
I don’t understand the “check out the polyps inside my gaping asshole” shots after anal sex. I love giving it to my girl up the ass but I’ve never wanted to look inside her rectum. Total boner killer.
11.04.09 at 1:13 pm
When did male pornstars all become bald dudes with ghetto tatoo’s and uncut dicks? Also and if you’re the bald dude, don’t wrap that stupid bandana around your mellon. That just makes you look more retarded.
11.04.09 at 1:49 pm
do u guys ever stop to think of all the white dicks i have to look at?
11.04.09 at 7:29 pm
This list BLOWS.
I love watching Asian Goth School Girls giving 20 min blowjobs followed by a cum swapping bukakke facial with her sister! The smiling chick is Gage, one of the hottest porn stars out there! She could have that sexy little smile anytime. The balder the snatch the better. I can’t stand that “70’s-big-bush-where’s-the-clit” type shit. The nastier the talk outta her mouth the better. When I want her to shut up I’ll fill it with cum. Big tits, not little boy chests….big firm tits capped by large dollops of cum.
Only thing that is right on this list is the black cock…and I don’t want to see the dudes face…I could care less what he looks like…
Oh, and that was Phobe Cates, the mastubatory fantasy of many 80’s kids…myself included.
11.04.09 at 8:28 pm
A dirty blond whore with silicon tits getting pounded senseless in the ass by multiple black cocks is the fucking pinnacle of porn. And I will not let anyone tell me different.
11.04.09 at 9:44 pm
What about creampies?!? Baby-making, or any allusion to it, has no place in porn. Jizz belongs on bitches’ faces and/or mouths and titties.
11.04.09 at 9:50 pm
Sucking on a dildo. What’s the point?
11.05.09 at 1:21 am
Dude, who pissed in your candy bowl??? ITS PORN… who gives a fuck.
11.05.09 at 5:40 am
See, bald cunts I can deal with, but what I absolutely can’t deal with are stubbly cunts. Like they’ve had a wax job a week ago but since then they’ve been too busy gagging on big black cocks and catching STDs and now if your cockhead got scraped across those labia it’s going to be like rubbing it on the side of a matchbox.
11.05.09 at 7:12 am
Great article, but you forgot one: Those ridiculous 6+inch high heels they sometimes make the chicks wear. They are not hot, they just look silly, like a cartoon character. Whenever I see them, it’s like the chick is holding a sign saying “This is just a porn! Nothing like any woman you would actually fuck!” Porn directors, please lose the stupidly high heels. 99% of the women I’ve ever fucked want to be 100% naked, and I’m all for that.
11.05.09 at 11:19 am
Lady Sonia. She ruins porn. Who is getting off on this old bitch, and why is she everywhere? Can we pair her off with bald-dude-with-the-bandanna and make them exclusive so I never see either of them again?
11.07.09 at 3:20 pm
I don’t mind the hats as long as they aren’t Rob Zombie style. It’s the degradation factor. Putting a hat on some poor gal while she’s being slave driven gets me right off. The Gia Paloma batwoman scene in Ass Worship 6 is terrific.
11.07.09 at 6:15 pm
does anyone know where intellectual / artsy porn exists in this dump of a film industry? haha that would be tite
11.09.09 at 10:02 pm
All of you guys are vaginas. This guy sounds like the biggest pussy ive ever met. I was going to say something witty, but this really isnt worth my time.
11.16.09 at 4:58 pm
now when i see any of this boring cliches while i’m wondering if i’m gay because i can’t find anything i want to watch on xvideos i’ll think of your mustache
11.18.09 at 3:07 am
*these
and #11 & #12… watching any dude lick clits, pussy lip spreading
11.18.09 at 3:40 am
Shitty list.. No good not funny no nothing!!!! I just had to comment cus U O ME my time i spent on shitty site!!
11.19.09 at 11:39 am
i guess i’ve fucked satan’s wife because i’ve fucked some girls that love to be choked and all kinds of shit. haha i seek out really damaged girls though so it might not be the norm.
12.03.09 at 8:08 am
-slick twats are just fine-dont go the under 18 context [ok 21 stateside]
-what about the need to see cum? I rather see girl cop it more/sawap to oral etc, its almost like the early porn structure cant be escaped
-noise is good, ok most of the time!
-We want see the girls, dressed a bit too, then stripped most way down..
-whats wrong with reverse cowboy, get your gal to finger her own ass, that will encourage dude who cant acheive orgasm I suspect
go the hats and glasses [unless they magnify eyes!']
01.01.10 at 9:09 am
I wholeheartedly agree with mark “k-punk” fisher, any music at all is fucking awful.
03.05.10 at 6:43 pm
yes, im in agreement with most of what is said, black cocks and music is utter lame, as is the school uniform… if I wanted to go to a school disco id be half my age… BUT!
Short skirts and showing flesh though, brilliant. Too much bare flesh is like looking for your usual choice in a candy shop, you’ve already seen it all. skirts and thongs give it some variety.
03.15.10 at 7:12 pm