(My daughter with her Granny. Their tribe used to call grandmas “Caca” but they found out it means poo poo so they changed it to “Gaga.”)
A lot of libs say they want to do something for visible minorities but not a lot of them can say they created two from scratch. I did. And I did it with the coolest minority evah: Indians. Unfortunately, making Indians means having to hang out with them a lot and that’s forced me to learn exactly 15 things.
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1- The average medical solution for every ailment under the sun is a lot of peyote and a lot of praying. That’s it.
2- Any Indian can walk around with as much peyote as he wants and not get busted – anywhere. It’s the only race-specific law in the Western world.
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3- They consider sweatpants and no shoes to be a part of their culture as in, “I am happy to travel the world [as a pro women’s volleyball player] but I will always miss the Rez. I will always miss wearing sweatpants and feeling the dirt between my toes.” (actual NY Times quote).
4- They’re all amazing at ball sports especially softball.
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5- They call WalMart “Indian Heaven” or more specifically “NDN Heaven.”
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6- At the end of every “punchline” they go AAAAAYYY or AAAYYYEEE. For example, “Under everyone’s hard shell / is someone who wants to be a turtle / so leave them alone. / Probably drunk n-eway, / so no need to start drama / AAAYYYEEE.”
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7- Their earwax is not waxy at all but powdery.
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8- There is no such thing as Indian porn (believe me, I searched). The closest you’ll ever get is this calendar.
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9- They are scared of owls. Not just seeing a real owl but if you have a fake owl in your house they will put it in the garbage or hide it.
10- They all have flat asses and will often wear shirts that say FBI in big letters and “Flat Butt Indian” in small letters below it. (The acronym also becomes “Flat Broke Indian.”)
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11- They have absolutely no interest in being your friend or getting to know you in any way, shape, or form whatsoever.
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12- They think you can cool down hot food by putting salt on it.
(classic Ho Chunk dinner: Corn soup and fry bread)
13- They eat dessert during dinner. Which is often fry bread with various berries, jams and Cool Whip.
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14- Though Pow Wows are booze-free, there’s another, later Pow Wow that goes on in the woods where the youngins bang drums all night and get wasted.
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15- They have bigger big toes than anyone else.
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you daughter is one.
03.20.09 at 10:22 am
my fiancé is part ojibwe (and a bunch of other shit) anyway, he cannot smoke weed nor can his mom it makes them lose it. can your wife?
03.20.09 at 10:46 am
injuns stank!
03.20.09 at 10:49 am
cracked.com
03.20.09 at 11:16 am
I’m half Oji-Cree, which is a combination of Ojibway and Cree and I must say I thoroughly enjoyed this post!
Imyar, you best believe most of us can smoke just fine! I don’t want to get into a talk about generalizations or anything like that, but everyone’s different and reacts to certain drugs in their own special way…I smoked everyday throughout high school and now, only before sports (I kinda ruined it).
I find those Nike shoes designed for an obese population to be particularly amusing.
03.20.09 at 11:28 am
cool post.
03.20.09 at 11:34 am
why does everyone get uppity when i make native references but gavin can do it 15 times? i was asking a question cos we (family) were trying to figure it out.
03.20.09 at 11:51 am
i guess i’ll blame it on the german portion then
03.20.09 at 11:53 am
funny shit.
i thought your woman was asian. mongol features i s’pose.
03.20.09 at 11:58 am
how is indian american cuisine not a widespread delicacy in the country that it was invented in?
howcome i can’t get indian american food anywhere in nyc?
03.20.09 at 12:00 pm
Why the owls?
03.20.09 at 1:02 pm
because they’re not what they seem
03.20.09 at 1:08 pm
So many libs suck. It’s much easier for them to worry about whitey fucking shit up 10,000 miles away than it is to think about how they profit from whitey’s dark deeds in their own backyard. But, you know, if they did that they might actually have to change the way they see themselves. If you want to know something about America, go live on the Dine rez for a while. When I was 20 I met a 1/2 Dine guy in Ohio. He invited me down there to look around. I went and ended up staying a while. It was an edifying experience, to say the least. Favorite memory: Going to a diner and sitting at the counter eating pancakes and reading the local newspaper. The first time I went there, I set my paper down and the moon-faced Dine chick that worked the counter silently picked it up and started reading. I went there like every day for months, and every day she did the same thing. We never spoke a word to each other except for me to say “hi, I’ll have pancakes please,” yet she never failed to confiscate my rag. As soon as I set it on the counter, it was hers. She taught me all kinds of shit about personal property having no real value. I’ve been totally unemployable ever since.
My wife is Scots and Cherokee. She looks like a caucasian wolf or something. She does great with pot, but true to her heritage, she only smokes on sacred occasions. And yes, she has anvils for toes.
03.20.09 at 1:20 pm
“Nike said it is the first time it has designed a shoe for a specific race or ethnicity.”
Riiiiiiiight………
03.20.09 at 1:37 pm
WOW I am surprised they let you get a shot off on that camera. Usually at the big pow wows they get pretty upset when you bring a camera and start snapping shots off in peoples faces like that. So kudos to you for having such journalistic integrity, even if it means sacrificing other peoples morals.
03.20.09 at 1:55 pm
thoroughly interesting
03.20.09 at 2:21 pm
As for the peyote thing, had you taken even 5 seconds to research this claim I guarantee you would have come across something mentioning the U.S. Supreme Court’s decision in Smith (and by the way, this holding was NOT thrown out by Clinton’s Religious Freedom Restoration Act). Jesus christ, I thought the one thing that separated us from the baby boomers was that we want facts/do research to back up what we say (remember?). I know you guys are so “punk”, but fucks sake, you must have at least one lawyer, right?
03.20.09 at 3:25 pm
imyar: Nobody’s getting uppity!
03.20.09 at 3:29 pm
^^^ I agree with deadbeatmanchief, no uppitiness nowhere. You’re loved. Just accept it and move on.
03.20.09 at 4:45 pm
Bet nobody can find a photo of an N.A. Indian with a beard. Try it, ya can’t do it!
03.20.09 at 5:58 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_xLi39E9PbA
03.20.09 at 6:01 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_xLi39E9PbA
03.20.09 at 6:02 pm
HO CHUNK CASINO IN THA DELLS- GET IT
03.20.09 at 6:43 pm
My foot isn’t wide but my cock sure is
Sliding in derricks bum
Blow my load
In his fro
And as a thanks give him bus fare and a bag of chips for the ride home
03.20.09 at 8:44 pm
how come indians have flat asses but mexicans, which are usually 1/4 to 3/4 indian, have such nice ones?
03.20.09 at 9:27 pm
Regarding ^^ew’s comment: BECAUSE THEY STILL HAVE AT LEAST 1/100TH LATINO HEAT!!!
03.20.09 at 11:34 pm
Wow, also thank you Redbone for that link.
03.20.09 at 11:36 pm
just found out i am in fact more native than i first thought. still looking into it.
this shit depresses me till no end. i wonder what the world would have been like if the native americans werent so fucked with to begin with.
03.20.09 at 11:47 pm
The Mother In Law does not take any shit and sighs loudly when you do a dumb thing (everything), doesn’t she? She looks like my grandma. My grandma has size 11 feet.
03.21.09 at 1:54 am
Bean bread in Qualla, baby. One.
03.21.09 at 12:17 pm
Hang on. There are native Americans who are from India? Are they like doctors?
03.21.09 at 2:30 pm
Clearly not satisfied, was redbone suppose to have beards?
03.21.09 at 3:15 pm
The beard is always scanty, but increases with the admixture of white blood. The mistaken idea that the Indian has naturally no beard is due to the fact that in most tribes it is plucked out as fast as it grows, the eyebrows being treated in the same way.
-the catholic encyclopedia
03.21.09 at 5:14 pm
I caint grow a fuckin beard cause of this injun globlet sangre. How I can must be a manual. Hair on my chest be like nipple pubes only.
03.22.09 at 2:16 am
i thought indians were people from india
03.22.09 at 11:13 am
do any of you even know any indians? try living a couple of miles away from a reservation and hanging out with some of them (aside from casinos and native american craft shows on your vacation.) reading these comments is like watching guards going into prisoners’ cells to take a piss on them for shits and giggles because they’re so bored with their loathsome lives.
p.s. indians abhor most whites, they just don’t go out of their way to scream “RACISM” every ten minutes to get more free shit like some of the other oppressed minority groups. to them, holding people responsible for their actions is a hell of a lot different than using guilt as a get out of jail free card for life.
03.22.09 at 12:17 pm
I’m 1/8 Pima so I know well the red man’s struggle. I feel it in my 1/8 Indian bones every day when I wake up in my hip NYC pad before I set off for my White Man job every morning. I always mention my 1/8 Indian status to friends as I feel it gives me much lib cred.
03.22.09 at 1:05 pm
I never did climb that fucking mountain I was suppose to, fuck!
03.23.09 at 4:33 am
Scottish and Indian has already been done. Its called Winnipeg, Manitoba.
03.23.09 at 9:05 am
Wait…are you sure there’s no such thing as Injun porn? That’s not what rule 34 says:
“If it exists, there’s porn of it; no exceptions!”
Rule 35: “If there’s no porn found at the moment, it is being made”
03.23.09 at 12:17 pm
@lol@u
This is a good article about the race thing and peyote
http://www.peyote.net/archive/native.htm
The jury’s still out on whether anyone can prosecute Indians for having peyote. Technically, they can but they never do so it’s like Amsterdam in that sense: A law that nobody enforces.
“the American Indian Religious Freedom Act of 1994 narrows apparent Federal protection to enrolled members of American Indian tribes only”
03.23.09 at 12:27 pm
So…. let me understand this… you lived with the French for a while and now you’re commenting about the Chinese? One nation of the first nations is no more like another than Russians are like Namibians, except they’re human beings.
As in: http://www.makah.com http://www.quileutenation.org And THE Indian T-shirt you wish you had: http://wolffood.wordpress.com/2009/03/07/what-bia-really-means/
And don’t miss the Navajo Frybread Forum: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bZjVy4zoS4 I am not going to apologize about being amazed at that woman’s cooking skills — most of us can’t spin a pizza, either.
As for peyote — why is anybody griping about THEM having peyote, instead of asking why the rest of us aren’t being left alone, too? Don’t limit their rights — expand OURS. Or put them back where they belong.
03.24.09 at 10:32 am
listen to the Brocket 99 tape it’s funnieeeee!!!
03.24.09 at 9:27 pm