A close friend of mine just got dumped after a ten-year relationship. The first words that came out of my mouth after he told me were, “Fuck fives.” Getting over The One is a slow process that takes about four months per year you were together but there is one thing you can do to expedite the process: fuck.
Here’s how.
1. CUM ALL OVER HER SLUT FACE
Now as a feminist who loves abusing women of all ratings (sorry, “loved” — I’m married now), it can feel like a contradiction to totally subjugate a woman you care about. The problem is, they fucking love it. So here’s what you do: After you completely goalie mask her face with cum until she looks like the air conditioning broke at the wax museum, you come to your senses and clean her off with empathetic gusto.
Ten seconds ago you were all, “You like that you fucking beautiful whore?” and now it’s, “Oh my Gawd! Who did this to my baby?” As you use your t-shirt to wipe her face clean, she’ll tell you about The Bad Man who was just here and you shake your head like you can’t believe you missed him, again.
SPECIAL TRICK: If you get cum in her eye, wrap your lips around the eyeball and squirt spit back and forth around it like an airtight car wash. Cum stings almost as much as getting dumped and if you don’t clean up after yourself, you may not be invited back.
2. GO UGLY EARLY
This recovery is about you, so don’t set yourself up for rejection by courting a ten. You want the kind of girl who will happily toss your salad and maybe even let you sit on her face. Alexa Chung ain’t havin’ it. Big Kimmy is.
I fucked a fattie in New Orleans once and was able to bust out four fucks that night and three the next morning. The last jizz that came out of my dick was two sad drips of foam. With Alexa I’d be lucky to bust one nut. Not sure why this is.
3. MAKE HER WATER YOUR PLANTS IN HIGH HEEL SHOES AND SHORT, WHITE SOCKS
Don’t lie on top of her with the lights off and hump her like your dad does your mom. Take your time and leave the lights on. Take her over to the closet and see what kind of footwear she’s got lying around. Find the highest heels she’s got and then walk her over to her sock drawer and make her pick out something short and sweet. Now make her put those on and take everything else off. If she takes too long, spank the bitch. Once she’s properly attired, have her walk around her apartment watering the plants. Watch her do it and beat off. Realizing what a pervert you are is a huge part of the recovery process.
SPECIAL TRICK: If you find you’re too wasted to get it up, bend her over and smell her ass. It triggers something in your inner pig that acts as a poor man’s Viagra.
4. CUT HER TITS OFF
Here’s a fun tip: Chubbies like to keep their t-shirt on during intercourse. That’s fine but you’d like to see some jugs, am I right? So find a pair of scissors, then grab a fistful of fabric over each tit and cut it off. Now she has two big holes in her shirt right where her tits are. Now fuck the bitch.
SPECIAL TRICK: Never, ever take panties off. Rip them off. Now stuff them in her mouth.
5. GAG HER
Sex toys are a crucial part of getting over your ex. You want revenge on the entire female population. This often means gagging her and tying her hands behind her back. It also means busting out various sex toys like the Hitachi Magic Wand (no girl can not orgasm from this thing) and the Pearl Rabbit. Every good Bad Man knows you have to make a girl cum before you can drag her through the mud. It shows you care.
SPECIAL TRICK: Women are disgusted by having a used dildo inside them. That means you have to keep the box and return it to said box after each use so it looks like you’re opening it up for the first time every time. Also, the Magic Wand has a lot of texture on the part that touches the cunt so, if she’s menstruating, you’re going to have to really scrub to get it clean again.
6. PLUG HER NOSE WHILE SHE BLOWS YOU
Face fucking a girl til she gags is a great time (especially when you use her ears as handles) but it can often lead to barf. You get just as much gagging abuse by suffocating her with a dick in the mouth and a plugged nose. I was stunned to see how many women enjoy this cruel prank. They truly are a shameless breed.
SPECIAL TRICK: Abusing a woman is a tricky game and you have to carefully gauge which “no” means “No!” and which one means “sort of.” It’s a good idea to picture yourself in court explaining the night to the judge and imagining what he’d think. You want to be right on the very edge of what’s acceptable. If you get an email the next day that says, “Thank you for raping me last night,” you know you took it exactly as far as it could go without stepping over the line. Good work.
7. MAKE HER SAY “I’M YOUR PROPERTY, (YOU)”
Making a woman say, “I’m your property, Gavin McInnes” was my trademark move for the better part of my fuck career. Women love to say it because they feel taken care of and you’re going to love hearing it. Actually, it’s so good you have to be careful because it might make you cum too soon.
SPECIAL TRICK: Speaking of cumming too soon, don’t let her touch your balls while fucking. That’s an Aladdin’s Lamp of premature ejaculation. And don’t look at her tits while you’re ramming her. If you see those suckers bobbing up and down, you’re going to blow your load instantly. If you feel like you’re going to cum too early, do the alphabet backwards in your head or imagine your dad naked being attacked by dogs. Careful of overusing that one though, it could have a Pavlovian side effect where you find yourself attracted to the idea of your dad nude being attacked by dogs.
8. DON’T EAT HER OUT
Women don’t really like to be eaten out on the first date. It’s too intimate. Besides, if you’re on a fuck bender you’re both probably drunk and she’s not in the right headspace to concentrate on such a weird feeling. Pussy eating is for the third or fourth fuck, so stick to the visual shit and the abuse.
9. PULL HER HAIR AND STICK YOUR FINGERS IN HER MOUTH
If someone pulls my hair my first reaction is to punch them in the face but women just seem to have stronger follicles in their scalp. When you’re fucking her from behind it’s good to grab a big clump and just kind of pull it back. This leaves her incapacitated and totally at your mercy which is what sex is all about in the first place.
Stuffing your fingers in her mouth like she’s some strange beast is another great way to dehumanize her and take both of you out of the realm of humanity and into the animal kingdom.
10. STAY OVER AND HAVE BREAKFAST
A lot of girls just want you to leave after but if she doesn’t, don’t. You need to make it clear that all this misogyny is really just a game you both enjoy and you actually respect her. Fucking the living shit out of a bitch is the same as going on a vacation with her and you guys now have a bond for life. Hang out. Make jokes. And the next time you see her be cool and tell her you can’t stop thinking about her ass.
—
Step and repeat this process as often as possible with as many fives as possible and you will be over your ex in about half the time.
Happy Cunting!
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Dude, “Fuck a five!” I always give that advice to my dudes who either just got dumped or are in a real slump with pulling tang. so solid!
03.01.10 at 10:47 am
this is one of the best/funniest things ive seen on this site holy shit. If i’m trying not to bust I try to think about throwing up all over the girl up with until she starts throwing up and a bunch of scabs and open wounds and shit.
03.01.10 at 10:55 am
this is pretty much what i did and now I’m married and we have a child. I have to admit she’s a ten not a five but fuck it, this shit WORKS.
03.01.10 at 11:05 am
someone needs to make a guide for black chicks. i have yet to fuck a black chick and get away with any of this stuff. white chicks love it tho.
03.01.10 at 11:15 am
@ anonymous, can it be done? (outside of pr0n)
03.01.10 at 11:37 am
I’ve taken this route and ended up involved in some extremely satisfying, and wholeheartedly perverse role playing.
They all love it.
03.01.10 at 11:38 am
if he’d done this shit with the “one that got away” she never would have left.
this is especially insightful and honest: “You need to make it clear that all this misogyny is really just a game you both enjoy and you actually respect her. Fucking the living shit out of a bitch is the same as going on a vacation with her and you guys now have a bond for life.”
i smell midlife crisis, though. yup, it’s nipping at yo heels.
03.01.10 at 11:39 am
Except for the nose plugging, I would love to have this shit done to me. Enough with the deep and soulful pussy eating; every guy should resolve to do at least one of these things tonight.
03.01.10 at 11:42 am
You can NOT do this shit to cute girls/ non whites. Asians will cry, mexicans will demand money and black chicks will cut you! gawd help the cracka that tries this on a cute black girl, she’ll probably rip your dick off and beat u with it.
03.01.10 at 11:54 am
is the ass-smell viagra just some big long running joke to get dude’s to smell their girlfriend’s assholes? because it never works
03.01.10 at 12:07 pm
this is why BDSM groups are full of fat ugly people
03.01.10 at 12:08 pm
“Enough with the deep and soulful pussy eating” hahahaha, Im all about that but at the same time, ive been in a relationship for a few years now and it feels about time to flip the switch. Its what you gotta do to keep it fresh. Ive been testing the water a bit in jest and from the reactions I’m getting its on, so off to the hardware store to get some steel and brown leather (fuck black leather and fuck BDSM groups shit is so lame)
03.01.10 at 12:29 pm
Asian girls will ask for this shit. I would know I am one.
03.01.10 at 12:35 pm
“Realizing what a pervert you are is a huge part of…” being a healthy goddamn adult.
03.01.10 at 1:16 pm
yeah asian girls love this shit. another good one is simple rough hand round the neck.
03.01.10 at 1:27 pm
poop on a five.
03.01.10 at 1:30 pm
well, that was an interesting trip through gavin mcinnes’s sexual fetishes.
03.01.10 at 2:21 pm
bahahahahahahahahaha. this is like the vice guide to picking up women or whatever, part two, the late night version
03.01.10 at 2:25 pm
i would be lucky to get a five
03.01.10 at 2:40 pm
totallly on point.
you forgot to add
‘jamming your cock in her mouth just before coming’
try it.
03.01.10 at 2:58 pm
@ anonymous, fredMS, and ew, as a cute black girl who totally gets off on this shit, i promise you that we exist.
granted, we may be in the minority, but we’re around.
03.01.10 at 3:11 pm
I get the picture for the post now.
03.01.10 at 3:22 pm
Ohhhhhh buddy
I got picked up by a 6 once that BEGGED me to do all this stuff to her, like, almost every last goddamn thing on this list and it was all a “whole new world, a different point of view” and now I do it with just about every chick I hook up with and I’ve got every one of them singing my praises. Thank you, you crazy, slutty girl, you made my life complete. As a side point, I prefer them calling themselves my sluts rather than my property cause, honestly, I treat my stuff pretty shitty, but, to each his own.
03.01.10 at 4:02 pm
Bitch needs to learn when to shut her eyes.
03.01.10 at 4:30 pm
the danger here is the guy might get use to banging 5s that he wont bother with the 6s and above anymore. Hes stuck with the 5s and worse the 4s, 3s forever! So be careful on this.
03.01.10 at 4:33 pm
Obrigado, cara.
03.01.10 at 4:44 pm
Gavin, you got me with the poor man’s Viagra! The rest was kind of not funny.
03.01.10 at 5:24 pm
what super broker said
03.01.10 at 6:42 pm
I agree with everything but the “don’t eat her out” rule. Your first blowjob is free. After that it’s tit for tat.
03.01.10 at 7:44 pm
@ Cookie- Minority. Good pun.
03.01.10 at 8:12 pm
men are disgusting
03.01.10 at 8:30 pm
I didn’t learn that women love this shit till I was 25 but they do they all love to gag on it another good one is pull her arms back behind her when you fuck her doggy and just let her hang there as you pound the shit out of her also if she says it hurts like you’re hitting her cervix don’t listen to her
03.01.10 at 9:34 pm
‘Yes’ to all of the above.
03.01.10 at 9:36 pm
omg picture you dad naked being attacked by dogs!
03.01.10 at 10:02 pm
WTF to the eye cum sucking thing? Or did I read that wrong?
03.01.10 at 10:54 pm
no really don’t bang into her cervix. fun’s over. it feels too weird and she won’t be able to enjoy all the dirty stuff.
03.01.10 at 11:19 pm
fuck fives or fuck crazy girls. the first girl i fucked after my 4 year gf was some fobby filipino girl that was 10 years older than me and tried to get me to go to the bahamas with her after the first night. also older girls love getting abused. “u rike me to fuck you rike dat? u rike my srutty pussy?”
03.01.10 at 11:44 pm
literAl lol
03.02.10 at 12:45 am
One thing ive learned since coming to europe is the power of the oral creampie – unknown to many n. americans, its probably the most understated and most awesome feeling climaxes ever.
03.02.10 at 1:15 am
IM SO DOWN.
BRING THIS ON.
03.02.10 at 2:35 am
Rapiest comment thread ever.
03.02.10 at 3:19 am
up until about 1997 i used to keep from prematurely loosing my man juice by imaging margarent thatcher’s withered haunches. since then i’ve been looking for something just as horrifying. i believe gavin has given it to me with the naked dad shit.
i hereby request a post about how you move up from fives once you’re done with that shit.
03.02.10 at 3:31 am
[...] evening I read this and nearly died [...]
03.02.10 at 5:13 am
Its funny that you fancy Alexa Chung so much. In the UK, shes just an annoying tweenie prsenter. Plus, she’s all teeth and elbows. Looks and sounds like a gangley boy.
03.02.10 at 6:29 am
We should hang out sometime…
03.02.10 at 8:15 am
Call me…
03.02.10 at 8:17 am
I haven’t been laid on so long it hurts to read this.
Fuck George Bush for fucking up to economy my money and my sex life!
03.02.10 at 10:02 am
Sniffing asses rules. Why do you think dogs do it so much? I saw some dogs doing it the other day and thought, “That is much more honest than shaking hands.”
03.02.10 at 11:54 am
I was all on board with this until I figured out you were rating women. Funnily enough I don’t find any of the actions misogynist but I do find the ratings.
03.02.10 at 1:01 pm
That bar appears to be Linda’s in Seattle. True or false?
03.02.10 at 1:10 pm
girls keep telling me to stay away from their asshole.
03.02.10 at 5:24 pm
@rdvc: You’re probably a 3.
03.02.10 at 5:49 pm
Are people actually into this? Like, is this what guys actually want? Ew, fantastic.
03.02.10 at 10:16 pm
I’m agreeing with Dammit… im going to be thinking about this all night!
03.02.10 at 11:06 pm
no mongolian mask?
03.03.10 at 1:29 am
[...] Gavin McInnes – “10 Ways to Get Over Her” [...]
03.07.10 at 2:38 pm
Um “ew” have you ever met an asian chick? Have you ever met a latina or black chick in real life? 99.9999% of asian girls basically require you to treat them like this. Every latina I have ever fucked was down for the cause. The last black girl I was with used to come over in the morning to clean my apartment and make me breakfast just so that it was more real when I’d humiliate her sexually. White, rich, self important girls are the only ones I have ever met who don’t like this sort of stuff.
03.08.10 at 11:07 am
I’m a slut and I love 70% of this. The other 30% is STRAIGHT UP CORNY and stupid and blatant insecure overcompensation and would make me laugh in your face and kick you out.
03.16.10 at 1:06 am