Did you guys catch the last round of Boner Killers? I recently had to write an article about my least favorite topic in the world to talk about: sex. I squirmed around it, so instead of writing about sex I decided to write about what makes me not want to do it and send it to you guys instead. Things that make my ovaries want to drown themselves in the East River. Let’s visit some of these universal sterilizers, shall we?
-
Octomom – I know it’s a doye but what was I supposed to do, NOT include it? I first saw this image when someone at work sent it to the entire staff at work. There was a collective bummer that spread through the office, but we’re all females so we could handle it. Everyone except my poor, innocent, boss (the only make in our office). He didn’t take it so well. He made some kind of anguished groaning noise that I’d never heard before, got up, and walked slowly toward the bathroom, probably to go flush his nads down the toilet. Poor guy’s junk was instantly rendered useless. I wonder how many couples she’s prevented from making rad babies because of this. Have you noticed she never wears shoes? Speaking of which…
-
Nimble footwear on men – Street Boners have been long-time proponents of the anti Uggs/Crocs/Water-Moccassin/Pussyshoes movement for some time now. They were bitching about socks with sandals years before this website popped up. It’s actually feminist to hate men with sandals because it shows we won’t tolerate abuse. We care about what’s on your feet.
-
Jeremy Piven – There’s no rhyme or reason to what makes us tingly for someone, but one thing I know for sure is that there are no tingles for the Pivs. I’m not picking on him because of his dumb crybaby Sushi scandal. I’ve hated his guts since his “Journey of a Lifetime” through India. It was so embarrassing the word embarrassing was embarrassed. Dude is awful. He plays himself on TV and has hair plugs.
-
Christian Audigier – This is the man (pictured center) responsible for creating a million-douche army of kittenless boners. I secretly hope he’ll someday pass me while I’m horking down some pizza at an outdoor cafe, so I can shit in his eyes when he walks by. He is the reason we’re forced to look at all those corny Diesel-dogs in rhinestone-encrusted Ed Hardy gear on a daily basis and he needs to be punished.
-
Two Girls One Cup – I personally love 2G1C because it represents just how advanced our culture has become. Raymond Kurzweil wrote a 500-page book called The Singularity Is Near about how human technology has increased at such an exponential rate since the industrial revolution that we are becoming one collective unit. The Internet is the great omnipotent force that brings us all together, and it is within this great vat of human equanimity that a disgusting, filthy, depraved pervert who likes Japanese shit porn can have something in common with a marine biology student at UCSC whose only dream is to one day swim with the dolphins: they’ve both seen Two Girls, One Cup.
Leave a Reply
Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.
STREET BONER 1288
Every time I’m about to give sandals a pass, I imagine Chucks on her and my dick becomes a pegacorn.
Bad Behavior has blocked 3609 access attempts in the last 7 days.
1st
03.17.09 at 8:48 am
woo! go slugs!
03.17.09 at 8:56 am
WELL THIS IS EVERY THING I LOVE ABOUT ANDY ROONEY BUT RE-MIXED IN A “MASH UP” FOR THE HIPSTER GENERATION, AND IT JUST GOES TO SHOW THAT PEOPLE ARE’NT AFRAID TO TAKE STRONG STANDS WITH THEY’RE OPINIONS THESE DAYS. GREAT JOB!!!
03.17.09 at 9:00 am
You’re just admitting that they’re obvious (“doye”) annoyances because you hope to stop any acid-tongued commentators from giving you shit for being obvious. Spencer and Heidi? Piven? The Ed Hardy guy? Octomom? This shit is like refried a billion times over. If it was a piece a piece of coal that we pulled out of Piven’s ass it would be the Hopeless Diamond. Don’t you have some inane advice that you can give to men on how to be less icky or something?
03.17.09 at 9:51 am
That swirly, fake tattoo, fake sailor jerry, skull-centric, hearty, daggery, GAY, silk-screened tshirts, jackets, hats, and jeans make me so angry I want to pull out my dick and mow down people like an AK-47 that shoots piss bullets.
03.17.09 at 9:58 am
this sounds a little too much like a late night monologue.
what’s in the news today?
03.17.09 at 10:10 am
you’d be surprised how horny some guys get for the octomom (the duggar mom too). she’s like their pregnant mommy fantasy times 8. one insisted i put a pillow under my dress and then started screaming “GIMME THE MILK! I WANT THE MILK, MOMMY! I’M BEST BABY!” they tend not to admit it, but oh boy they’re out there whacking off to your first picture.
03.17.09 at 10:12 am
Your commentary on 2G1C is stunning.
03.17.09 at 10:29 am
“the word embarrassing was embarrassed.” brilliant.
03.17.09 at 10:53 am
do you get to keep your job with LENO when he switches time slots?
03.17.09 at 10:54 am
i grew up in san diego and since we’re essentially l.a.’s cistern, i saw so much of that 2nd-hand ed hardy shit i started getting nauseous. quit being such a schoolboy bitch and get an actual sleeve.
03.17.09 at 11:29 am
what’s the crybaby sushi scandal all about?
03.17.09 at 11:32 am
imyar:
the little bitch said he had to quit a play he was working in because he ate too much sushi and got mercury poisoning. i think he was actually telling the truth, because he seems like such a god-damn trendcunt that he would eat sushi day and night.
03.17.09 at 11:44 am
Fuck, I’m typing through a puddle of vomit because of that first pic.
03.17.09 at 11:54 am
ahhh ok clicking now thank you for your time.
03.17.09 at 12:09 pm
this is essentially a drawn out boner. this should be a new feature. extended boners
03.17.09 at 12:17 pm
Christian Audigier is a public servant. Realistically, it wouldn’t be appropriate to herd douche bags for branding. Audigier did the next best thing; he inadvertently provided them with an easily identifiable uniform.
Also, if you squint real well, the rhinestones look like a glistening load.
03.17.09 at 12:44 pm
i think the marine biology student at UCSC whose only dream is to one day swim with the dolphins IS a disgusting, filthy, depraved pervert who likes Japanese shit porn. elitist! dolphins…pfft.
03.17.09 at 1:45 pm
2G1C actually turned me on. those bitches were hot.
03.17.09 at 2:03 pm
satan:
no it didn’t. i mean i know it sounds edgy and weird, and MAYBE you’re the .00000000000001 percent of the population that clip was designed to give a boner to
but you’re not. you’re not that person.
03.17.09 at 3:28 pm
http://media.ebaumsworld.com/picture/magickarl/TwoGirlsOneCup.png
03.17.09 at 4:21 pm
on behalf of anybody from LA who doesn’t suck, sorry about ed hardy!
03.17.09 at 5:51 pm
Dammit I made the mistake of getting really high and then looking really closely into Ocot-Mom’s eyes! Cue string music from the Omen!!! Gaaa!
03.17.09 at 6:03 pm
i use to hate ucsc because i grew up in santa cruz. but now i’ve grown to love the marine biology students whose only dreams are to one day swim with the dolphins.
03.17.09 at 7:01 pm
it’s the pot.
03.17.09 at 7:01 pm
i went to vegas a month ago. ed hardy lives!
worst. shit. ever.
03.17.09 at 8:43 pm
wow. “jay leno”…really… so many of you are full of hate. if hating takes time and effort, most everyone who responded to this blog must be unemployed. turn the porn off, get your dick out of your hand, put the pot down, turn the video game off and get a fucking job. then when you read it again, you might laugh like i did. either that or don’t do anything in life and shit on other peoples creativity because your life still sucks. how’s that working out for you?
03.17.09 at 9:03 pm
Southern California is retardable and Baracko is fulla beans. So what, I just want a burger.
03.17.09 at 11:57 pm
Aviva just leave Southern California so we can just bomb the place. And yes, my parents live there.
03.18.09 at 4:37 am
you ripped off Bradnox on the Piven thing. BUT YOU BRING MY PENIS TO LIFE. about 7 tenths of the potential 10 tenths of blood fills my penis when I peruse your picture. I’m sure if I could smell your penis receiver we could ramp you up to an 8.01 or sum shit.
much love, Cunten Rasmusssen
sponsored by Trapped Wind (the affliction)
03.18.09 at 4:31 pm