The battle of the comedy greats has happened again. It’s worth noting all the SC jokes listed here are by Gavin and the best one he did was actually a quote from Goad. Don’t let this affect your judgment. Gentlemen, start your engines!

SBTVC:

1. Am I the only one who’s just hearing about this “Bob Marley” guy now?

2. He’s like the singer of P.O.D. but he reps Jamaica instead of the South.

3. I love this “Legend” shit. Dude looks like Mumia but talks like Rihanna.

4. Shit, I just read he died because Rastafari forbids toe amputation. To quote Goad, “Haile Selassie? Highly retarded.”

5. Amphetamines really slow down my computer.

6. Straight Outta Compton has 2 basic messages: Cops fuck w me for no reason and I am a psycho murderer who should be locked up.

7. Eddie Izzard is bilarious.

8. Free band name: Spiritually Obese

9. The only white wine I like is, “We’re not taken seriously in the rap community.”

10. I’m losing patience like that nigga who killed Michael Jackson (yes, rappers you CAN have that one for free).

11. I have so many lessons I want to impart to my kids but I think the biggest one is: Don’t look in the mirror when you’re on acid.

12. What are all these Yankees fans cheering about? Wasn’t that like, 150 years ago?

13. Is it normal, when you pee your pants, for it to look like milk and feel really, really good.

14. Wouldn’t it be cool to be a hostage with terminal cancer? You’d be all, “Yeah whatever. Lick my balls Paki.”

15. Whenever I hear wine snobs, I pretending they’re describing farts: “A surprisingly sublime bouquet with a bit of an irreverent kick to it.”

16. I heard it straight from the donkey’s mouth which is to say, I heard it from an asshole.

17. I went to college in Canada and did my dissertation on German Film. It was called “All Aboot Das Boot.”

18. When the “Girls Gone Wild” guy dies, his gravestone will read “Thanks for the mammaries.”

19. I don’t know what all these Muslim feminists are complaining about. I love getting stoned.

20. The real lesson with Balloon Boy is how relentlessly loyal Asian wives are.

21. Wore yesterday’s undies today but that ain’t gonna fly tomorrow. May have to try to dig up the wife’s most masculine Jockeys.

22. What’s funnier, calling a baby a douchebag or making him wear a toe ring?

23. The best part of driving through Jersey is you can fart in the car and nobody will notice.

24. Is it weird I’m still worried about Y2K?

25. Listening to Ani DiFranco and reading Anne Coulter. This is how it must feel to wear a burqa with stilettos.

26. If you want to know what it’s like to visit Scotland just step in the shower, turn on the cold, and rip up all your money.

27. “The Girls Next Door” is a great place to see victims of pedophilia enjoying themselves.

28. I could go for a beer right now more than Elton John could go for a queer right now.

29. If I’ve ever fucked you, please send an article of clothing to our PO Box. I’m making a Laids Quilt.

30. Going to the shitter without Twitter is like going to France without your pants.

31. I’m a funaholic.

32. Having a big dick makes you hornier than most because you actually have the equipment to do something about it.

33. I’m pro-choice but every time I meet an abortion doctor, I just want to kill him. They’re so fucking arrogant.

34. Morgan Freeman looks like a homeless man dipped in gorgeous sauce.

35. Jeff Goldblum’s body does not match his face. He looks like Jewperman.

36. My daughter just farted a fart that was so beautiful, it made me cry.

37. Not to get all laundry on your ass but I am one low-on-undies motherfucker.

38. Holy shit! What ever you do DO NOT google “I miss my wife” in quotes. It’s like a secret door into the saddest lives of all time.

39. What if you me the perfect guy and you go over to his apt one day and he’s dancing his ASS OFF to Luscious Jackson?

40. You know you’re a heavy dude when you go to RedTube, look at some of the previews, say “nah,” and go back to work.

41. Nobody wears Ché shirts in Cuba.

42. WTF? I married an American Indian and a bunch of blonde chinks came out of her cunt.

JIM GOAD:
1. I’d like to see a comedian with late-stage cancer named Chemo Phillips.

2. If you live in LA for ten years, you turn into either Michael Jackson or Charles Manson.

3. There’s water on the moon. Wow. I can get water from my kitchen sink.

4. Suspected serial killer in Cleveland is black. Looks like all us white guys have left is NASCAR.

5. Sighed when fat bitch wedged fat ass into bus seat next to mine. “You ain’t THAT big,” she snorted. “Looks like you ARE,” I said.

6. If you don’t think God has a sense of humor, how do you explain male breast cancer?

7. BREAKING: Leukeem Abdul-Jabbar diagnosed with Kareemia.

8. China’s “investing” in Africa. It’s the only way to get black women to fuck Asian men.

9. Homosexual behavior has been observed in many higher vertebrates, but you’ll never, EVER catch an insect faggin’ off.

10. Once the gays figure out how to anally impregnate each other, we’re history.

11. I’d love to know the precise point in human history when everyone said, “OK, we really need to put some clothes on.”

12. I don’t have baggage. I have a fucking U-Haul.

13. You and I are not “on the same page.” We ain’t even in the same library.

14. There are 5.5 million Jews in the USA, so, for now, it’d be impossible to pull off another Holocaust.

15. Madonna provides electricity for an African village. They turn on the lights, see her without makeup, and kill her.

16. Yeah, it’s wrong when the elderly get raped, but it’s not like it’s a treat for the rapist, either.

17. I shave my balls so clean, I can see my reflection when I try to blow myself.

18. Correct me if I’m wrong, but wouldn’t all the Guantanamo prisoners fit snugly within Octomom’s vagina?

19. The car bomb that just killed 90 people in Pakistan avoided Hillary Clinton because it was afraid of her temper.

20. I love giving up the “Elderly/Disabled” subway seat to the young and physically fit. Confuses the fuck out of them.

21. I’m reclaiming the rainbow for heterosexual males and calling it the “rainbro.”

22. The most difficult part of trying to piss with an erection is when I spray myself in the face.

23. Necrophiles suffer from a defect rendering them incapable of realizing people tend to be less sexually active after they’re dead.

24. Still reading “Mein Kampf.” I gotta tell you, a lot of parts really sound racist.

25. I’m extremely saddened to hear the news of Kanye West’s non-death.

26. A foreign friend just called a swine-flu victim a “walking pig.” I hereby enter this term into common usage.

27. Hoist your drink for the camera and show us all what God gave you instead of a personality.

28. Anyone who fears speaking ill of the dead has problems understanding this whole “dead” thing.

29. Cretin on bus chanting “Shawty got it wrong!” No, your PARENTS got it wrong.

30. Can dermatologists remove freckles from a scrotum? I’m asking for a friend.

31. Not sure what’s up with my armpits. Some days I’m daisy-fresh; on others, it’s like being punched in the face with a hoagie.

32. Working on a cartoon action series called “The Unwanted” about teen superheroes who survived botched abortions in the womb.

33. Hordes of homosexuals are converging on Washington, D.C. in what is known as “The Million Man Prance.”

34. NEGROWTH -noun 1. A statistical influx of nonwhites into a given demographic area.

35. Is it sick to think domestic violence against women in wheelchairs is funny?

36. Whoopi Goldberg knows nothing about rape-rape because no one has ever been tempted to try-try it on her.

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