I was planning on going to Columbia Colombia (thanks ‘hey asshole …’) this summer to capitalize on the cheap drugs and third-world exchange rate, but then the economy went and committed suicide. That, plus my friends were terrified of getting kidnapped by the FARC or some right-wing paramilitary outfit. So instead, we decided to go somewhere cheap and safe: Montreal.
It may not be as exciting as Columbia, but I’ve been assured that the Quebecois are by far the strangest people on Earth and thus far everything I’ve read seems to confirm that. Take this nonsense for example: Montrealers navigate their city using a system of cardinal directions based not on the poles, but rather on the city’s eponymous mountain, which they reference as north despite it being west, and the St. Lawrence River, which they call south but is actually east. Exactly why Montrealers are living in a pre-compass, pre-solar society seems to be unknown.
Their mountain worship goes further. Apparently, every Sunday and sporadically during the week, medieval nerds gather on Mount Royal to pay homage to their highland deity in foam-weapon combat. In all honesty, I should admit that I’ve actually participated in something similar. One time a friend and I took a bunch of 2C-D, a psychedelic research chemical, and were vegging out on the couch when the rest of our friends decided that a trip fight was a good idea. Since neither of us was sober enough to stand for a prolonged amount of time, the battle quickly devolved into both of us lunging for each other, missing, and collapsing onto the floor. I guess what I’m trying to say is, if I get really fucked up there’s a possibility that I’ll run around brandishing a toy sword.
The only other time I’ve been to Canada was two summers ago when I spent a week in Toronto, but most of that trip passed in a ketamine-induced haze. This time, I thought it would be better to see more than just the inside of my consciousness so I decided to ask Gavin what’s worth checking out in Montreal. He let me know what’s good “aboot” town and linked me to an old post about something called Canada Day. Still, I don’t think I know enough about our retarded cousin to the north.
Then it hit me: If you consider the shoddy grasp of the English language and infantile views regularly espoused on this site’s comments section, it’s safe to conclude that at least 90% of Street Carnage’s readers have to be Canadian. That being the case, what’s your opinion? Where do you think I should go in Montreal? Leave your suggestions in the form of an outraged comment bellow, and I’ll try my best to go there, check it out, and report back on how amazing/shitacular it was.*
*When making your suggestions, please consider the following:
1. I am desperately poor and reasonably straight. Thus, don’t suggest a bar with a $20 cover and $15 drink. I’m in college, dammit. Likewise, I’ll fare fine in a gay bar, but I’m not going to Chippendales.
2. Don’t send me somewhere in the hopes of ambushing me as I will be rolling deep with mad headz and mad gatz. I’m from Queenz, nigga, and not the white part. Brrrat!
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the “columbia” you’re talking about is spelt “colOmbia”. two “o”s.
05.07.09 at 10:11 am
the best place to go in Montreal is the airport or the bus station.
05.07.09 at 10:11 am
Go troll on Yelp you fucking homo.
05.07.09 at 10:23 am
why dont you go fuck yourself douchebag
05.07.09 at 10:29 am
Sit in Jeanne Mance Parc all day and drink. If you bring food it’s okay to drink in public because then it is called a picnic.
05.07.09 at 10:49 am
Montreal – as you must know, has best strip clubs ever – 10 canadian dollars lap dance, full nudity, touching allowed – incredible. go to St. Catherine’s Street, start at intersection of Crescent St. and work your way down… and get ur fuck on or at least ur touch on. hookers everywhere, at least used to be. Club SuperSexe mad overrated but go at least once. there’s this one spot called the “Pussy Corps” dunno if its still there its DOPE.
05.07.09 at 10:50 am
tldr – if it’s gonna be about Canadia keep it breef.
05.07.09 at 11:08 am
There is a terrific selection of cheap but quality hotels at St. Catherine and St. lawrence. No need to book online. Just walk in. Also, great bars in the area. Just walk “south” down St. Lawrence. From there you can make your way through the underground connecting malls to crescent street.
05.07.09 at 11:12 am
I was gunna go to culumbia but instead I went to muntriall.
And this asswipe Arv has the gall to disparage the English skills of the commenters?
05.07.09 at 11:14 am
Hey can you tell us more about The Hardcore Mantle you stupid fucking idiot.
05.07.09 at 11:22 am
we r good talkers yo…u hurt muh feelins…dick!
05.07.09 at 11:25 am
really tommy gun? crescent st. and st. catherine is the intersection of douche and gino. perfect for tourists, but a good montreal night starts further north on st. laurent. hit up bifteck if you want to drink and fight, (there’s a load of other clubs with good dj nights around there) or head even further north to the mile end (st. viateur or bernard st.) for a younger hipper scene.
05.07.09 at 11:32 am
Just go to “Le Bop” in Hull and have sex with the finest looking seventeen to twenty year olds you’ve ever seen. They’re all gorgeous babes who haven’t realized their beauty yet and are all wanting to fuck. Seriously — easy bank.
05.07.09 at 11:40 am
I dunno. This kid ain’t so bad. Do you know how bored you’ll be in Canada? Just go to Colombia. Danger is overrated, especially when you research too much and listen to all the ninnies on the internet. Just get on the plane and go. Outside of Michael Moore no one cares about fucking Canada or the people who live there, and Michael Moore only likes Canada because there’s even more fat white people there than in America. It makes him feel better about himself.
05.07.09 at 11:45 am
I think you should spend your time not writing the most “heard-it!” shit you can think of about this city.
05.07.09 at 11:48 am
Vane$$a has never been to Canada. More fat white people? No. I felt near suicidal in Vancouver because everyone was in such great shape and always jogging or biking or mountain climbing or some shit. I swear to go do I never saw a fat person and under 10 elderly in 16 days in BC. Montreal is likewise, and Toronto there are so many asians and indians I can’t really say.
05.07.09 at 11:53 am
“Danger is overrated”
- Rambo
- James Bond
- Terminator
- Vanessa
05.07.09 at 11:56 am
Get an Hj at supersexe.
05.07.09 at 11:57 am
@ OGbghd – St. Laurent is much cooler for sure. just saying, my memory was that most of the strip clubs were on st. catherine’s. i know there’s more to do in montreal than strip clubs – but the strip clubs was where i had most fun…this was summer ‘03 so i am sure its probby different now anyway.
05.07.09 at 12:07 pm
What I actually meant, Canon Elf, is that Americans tend to be biased in their evaluation of tourist destinations. The level of danger that people believe exists in a place is usually nothing but hype. Colombia is not Afghanistan. Besides, it’ll be much more interesting to hear about the adventures of Joe College in a third world country than it will be to hear about whatever it is he’ll do in Canada.
05.07.09 at 12:10 pm
fuck the french.
05.07.09 at 12:24 pm
I found this post was a little bewildering. All along, this poppy prose of yours had me convinced that you were a slightly unattractive woman.
05.07.09 at 12:25 pm
tam tams: holler!
and by the way, no one goes to St Laurent anymore. If you still think anything on that street South of Duluth is worthy, you clearly have no idea aboot the city.
Fuck blizzarts
05.07.09 at 12:26 pm
@OGbhd
RE: Crescent and St. Catherine
What the fuck’swrong with you shut the fuck up, Don’t tell foreigners where they should go in our fine land fucking dumass Last thing i want is some fucking boorish drunk american saying “eh” to me all fucking night!!! Crescent and st. catherine was made so americans can hav a good time, let them fucking stay there asshole
05.07.09 at 12:31 pm
@Vanessa
It’s true, it would be more entertaining to read about this guy in a third world country than read about his exploits to strip clubs in montreal. You’ve got me there.
05.07.09 at 12:40 pm
If there is something good going on at zoobizarre then totally check that shit out….that place has the potential to be amazing…..
Look at the posters and signs up around the city….if there is a banger going on it will be amazing and ‘everyone’ will be there.
05.07.09 at 12:49 pm
FYI, New Yorkers are confused as to what’s truly north as well. Not many of them notice that Manhattan lies at about a 45° angle.
So fuck you.
05.07.09 at 1:15 pm
fat jesus, Jajjjj, et al are the reason i say fuck the french.
05.07.09 at 1:17 pm
no it won’t.
05.07.09 at 1:18 pm
JIM JOE LIVES HERE
05.07.09 at 1:28 pm
Tam-tams, Piknic Electronik (the best), St-Laurent street, and the Mont-Royal park. It doesn’t matter if you’re poor. Have fun!
05.07.09 at 1:33 pm
colombia is beautiful, cheap and safe. there are plenty of gringos to make you feel relaxed if you get uptight around the locals – even though most of the locals are pretty friendly. i was there a month ago, it was a blast, and i plan on returning soon. don’t worry about the guerrillas, you’re not meg ryan.
05.07.09 at 1:47 pm
drugs are cool, amirite?
05.07.09 at 1:54 pm
10% 40’s of black label are 5 bucks and make an afternoon disappear
patati patate at the corner of st laurent and rachel has really good cheap tofu or beef burgs
like wise up the street is “santripol” and they have pretty good sandwiches
last time i was at biftek i got like 5 shots of whiskey for 10?12? bucks… if you ask nicely they might even put ice in it
just score some good Canadian weed and walk up and down the mountain and chillax in the parks
teenwolf tuesdays (if they still happen) @ blizzarts are good to score drugs
i don’t actually live there so my knowledge is limited
05.07.09 at 2:28 pm
Montreal is not like Saskatoon or anything: There are things to do. Canada has amazing history! There isn’t much of it but Eastern Canada is full of beautiful architecture, hot guys on bikes and street meat. Like Toronto, but you were already there. Every city has its probelms, but it’s not Main/Hastings or Jane/Finch. It gets fucking FUCKING cold during the winter, so heads up. Like how Ontario is not Toronto, Quebec is not like Montreal: it’s literally full of hosers. Live in Montreal: perv in the park, drink a double double, go see the Art Galleries and Citadel, Smoke until your lungs fall out, and when it gets too be too much and there’s no solace and you’ve been hungover for three weeks go to Quebec City.
05.07.09 at 3:11 pm
i lived in toronto for a couple of summers, one of which i also experienced in a sort of ketamine-induced haze (don’t know why but they do seem to love their special K up there). i even remember seeing that car with the lawn for a front windshield. that being said, i’ve spent some time in canada. i was only in quebec once, however. i was at a burger king there for a pit stop and it tripped me out because the person who was originally supposed to be taking my order only spoke french and they had to find one of their english speaking employees to take my order. don’t know why i was at burger king to begin with. tim hortons is way better.
05.07.09 at 3:21 pm
all the broads in montreal are 10s
seriously, hottest city since new york fucked paris. enjoy yourself
05.07.09 at 3:48 pm
Alright motherfucker, here’s the deal:
The mountain is great and all, and TamTams is nice in its own unique way (Sunday afternoons – ask anyone), but the real prize is the lookout, we call it The Belvedere, cockface.
Get a smoke meat sandwich, but only from one of the following places, turdlicker: Schwartz’s is famous but over-rated and generally packed, don’t go after 8pm cuz you’ll only get gristle. Across the street on St-Laurent (again prunedick, ask anyone how to get there, we’re a fucking polite bunch of people) is the Main – less expensive and generally higher quality smoked meat avail. 24hrs, but usually a surly assed waitress. There’s also Reubens (meh) and Dunns (a less expesnive meh).
Next on your itinerary, shitface, is Old Montreal (Metro Place-d’Armes, again, ask around, it’s easy to find). It’s neat because it’s really old, like stepping back in time without the cheeseball factor of Historic Williamsburg. Everything is expensive here, but walking around and enjoying the sights is free as fuck. Eventually it’ll bring you down to the waterfront, which is stunning, you deep-fat fried motherfucker.
Similarly, walking around the Mile End and the Plateau is free and nice – many little stores with all sorts of weird and fun stuff inside. Visit churches, they’re usually desperate for anyone to go inside and there’s a certain abject, haunting beauty to most of them. Definitely check out Mary, Queen of the World. It’s a copy of St. Peter’s in Rome, and it’s downtown. It’s also free and more impressive than St. Joseph’s or Notre-Dame, cuntlicker.
Stay off Crescent and St. Catharine’s – it’s bullshit, though there are plenty of decent restaurants to choose from. If you want to go walk around the ruins of Expo 67, take the Metro (yellow line) from Berri-UQAM to Parc-Jean-Drapeau. It’s like visiting the very well maintained ruins of a future civilization.
All the museums are fun and well-maintained, be it the Museum of Fine Art, the Museum of Contemporary Art, the CCA, the Botanical Gardens, Olympic Stadium (with Tower) and the Biodome. Sick as shit dick lip – the Olympic Site is bitchin in its ostentatiousness; that’s how we do twat burgler. Take the Metro Green line to Pie-IX Station and get your ass off to class.
If you go between June 23 and July 4th, you’ll be in town for Jazz Fest, the biggest party in the city. Live music for two weeks, multiple outdoor concerts (free) with all types of different vibes – cuz were cosmopolitan, shit-cock. The 24th of June is a big holiday – you’ll want to be at Place Jacques Cartier. Same thing for July 1st, same place, major outdoor concerts and better fireworks than the Chinese.
All the parks in the city are killer, and the fuzz is generally tolerant of public drinking and weed consumption. As long as your minding your bitch ass to yourself, y’all won’t be trippin the fuzzbox.
I know y’all from the NYC is brawlin and ballin and shit; just remember you’re a Yank – the last time a bunch of dickhead pussies from Boston came up to stir shit, three of them were rolled into carpets and tossed off the Victoria Bridge; night night, keep yo butthole tight.
I truly hope you enjoy the magical splendor of our city, jizzface.
Montreal Out -
05.07.09 at 4:25 pm
@srsly
you seem to enjoy typing in our fine fucking language, maybe we can work out a compromise?
05.07.09 at 4:33 pm
Ha, the jazz fest. Don’t miss that. What a twat.
As you cross the border you will notice that are absolutely no Puerto Ricans, but there are plenty of Haitians. Getting fucked over by Haitians sucks. The police generally keep them off the plateau, but they are becoming more brazen.
05.07.09 at 5:10 pm
Anonymous Q. Mootenstein FTW! It’s over, stop commenting.. fuck you Delorme, suck a dick. It ended with Q. Mootenstein.
Dead.
05.07.09 at 5:48 pm
But the white part of Queens IS the scary part!
05.07.09 at 5:53 pm
Tommy gun, lap dances are one occasion where you really don’t want to be a bargain hunter.You will get what you paid for.
05.07.09 at 6:45 pm
Peel Pub is cheap and if you’re not into soccer or hockey, you can entertain yourself by cheering for the opposing team. It will drive the locals crazy. If you want the true French experience, find a bar showing UFC on pay-per-view. Quebecers fucking LOVE UFC.
05.07.09 at 7:10 pm
i wish all the americans (and ontarians) would stay the fuck out of montreal
05.07.09 at 10:21 pm
I live in Montreal. I live Montreal. Montreal lives in me.
Now I’ve experienced a similar trip to New York and I came to the conclusion that no one can really compare the two until the city becomes your home.
05.07.09 at 11:50 pm
Check out creepy, abandoned Square Vigor on Rue Viger between St-Denis and Rue Berri before it gets turned into a hospital.
05.08.09 at 12:01 am
Stop talking about cities like it’s a thing. The Internet SMASHES cities
05.08.09 at 4:29 am
Fuck off. Don’t come here.
05.08.09 at 5:38 am
buy a pogo dog (quebecers love them)
follow with a joe louis and a pepsi
then give an old man a bj
05.08.09 at 7:11 am
Despite their probably overzealous cussin’, Anonymous Q. Mootenstein is right. Make a checklist if you want to see it all (and trust me, you do): Mountain, Smoked Meat (don’t go halfway, order a full meal: fatty smoked meat on rye, fries, a giant pickle, and cherry cola), Old Montreal (but do yourself a favour and avoid the–other–tourists. not hard to spot, they’re the one’s with the cash up their ass), Plateau, Parc Jean-Drapeau etc.
When it comes to watering holes avoid Ste. Catherine altogether and St. Laurent between Sherbrooke and Des Pins, unless you want to grind up against the infamous douches and twats of the city (including many more American tourists) to the tune of the most modern and mind-numbing Beyonce single. There are some good dives you might want to check out, like Barfly or Miami (free pitchers of the local brew if you’re nice to Billy–the fella who sleeps there–or if you are traveling with a girl, as he happens to be sweet on ‘em. Also one of the only smoking-and-drinking establishments in the city, by-law be damned).
Really the whole city is worth seeing. Just get your walking legs ready, because that’s the only way to fly ’round here. And remember: we will take your money, but that doesn’t mean we like you. So do yourself a favour and get with the locals or you may find yourself strung up in a car park under the tenaciously crumbling Turcot Exchange.
Peace.
05.08.09 at 1:16 pm
Yeah mutherfuckers!
More shits for yer clits!
Parc Lafontaine is exquisitely well designed; get yo bitch-ass out there and revel in its majesty!
Stop by Kaffein on Bishop Street and grab a hookah and some tea for some Arab-styled chillaxin, fuck face!
Enjoy Dorchester Square and Place-du-Canada, honeycomb fart! Particularly, get some grub from any of the restaurants on Peel and bring it into the park to eat – eating in the sunshine is extra delicious cumsucker! Then, enjoy our many statues and memorials – it’ll teach you our history faggot-eyes!
Drop off a rose in front of room 1042 at the Queen Elizabeth Hotel – that’s where John Lennon and Yoko Ono had their 1969 Love In for Peace, currently being exhibited at the Montreal Museum of Fine Arts. Enjoy peace and pay your respects, cock-smoker!
Go to Club 737 for dinner and make a reservation, ass licker. It promises an unparalleled view of the greatest city in the world, dick lips. Don’t stay too long cuz its usually bombarded with teens and Yankee-Doodle Fuck faces like yosef! Get the view and get out!
Walk through Griffintown – there’s not much to see except urban decay – we love that shit puke-stick.
Go to Montreal Pool Room and enjoy our fast food. And by the way, the Pool’s Closed, so don’t ask you dirty, filthy whore.
Also, I think Cirque-du-Soleil has a tent up in the Old Port. Go see something magical that will give you hope for the future and stimulate all of your senses, dipshit.
Freak the geek out -
Peas
Anon Q. Moot
05.08.09 at 1:33 pm
Vane$$a said, “Just get on the plane and go.” That some straight metaphysical shit (or one of those spelling errors everyone been talking).
05.09.09 at 3:25 am
MTL is the tits. All you naysayers go fuck your menopausing selfs.
05.09.09 at 4:01 am
Seconded ^
05.09.09 at 6:06 pm
Motherfuckin Snowden’s deli and get a smoked meat sandwich.
05.09.09 at 9:24 pm
Montreal sucks harder then any other city has ever sucked.
05.10.09 at 1:32 am
hey – i havent read all the comments cuz there’s a lot of them
1) colombia is amazing and NOT dangerous, and Im sad I didnt get to go when i was down south. a lot of friends went and it was sick. you are right, though, it would have been expensive
2) montreal: eat Ramados portuguese chicken. im not sure if thats how you spell it. but they give you this braised quarter-chicken, abotu 2 pounds of delicious fries, a huge salad and a big bun , for only like $5 canadian. its the best fucking chicken in the world.
also, im sure you might like a nice deli sandwhich at Shwartz’s but im guesing somebody alreayd suggested this. anyways, the huge line up is kinda worth it, but there’s a better place across the street
there’s alse plenty of ‘reasonably gay’ clubs. i’ll ask around and get back to you
05.10.09 at 11:07 am
@ “colombia is amazing and NOT dangerous”
Good point. Having the world’s highest murder rate does NOT make a place dangerous:
http://www.nationmaster.com/graph/cri_mur_percap-crime-murders-per-capita
05.11.09 at 6:04 am
“That, plus my friends were terrified of getting kidnapped by the FARC or some right-wing paramilitary outfit.”
Wow, you’re ignorant and a total pussy. I bet you have one of those ironic moustaches to boot. And Colombia isn’t dangerous pussy douches, is DC dangerous? yeah for you fucks it would be. Stay in Williamsburg.
05.11.09 at 6:48 am
Using those stats regarding the world’s highest murder rates is straight up dumb. Like any other tourist, he’d probably never get any where near the types of incredibly low income areas where most of the murders occur. Jamaica is third on the list, but that doesn’t stop it from being a huge tourist destination that’s reasonably safe for anyone with half a brain. South Africa is #2, but you can bet your ass that thousands of people will be going there next summer for the World Cup, and they’ll be fine. I now understand why I don’t fit in here…I’m not an old woman.
05.11.09 at 11:41 am
“If Colombia fought Montreal it would have it touchin its toes while getting fucked in the pooper! COCAINE! AAAARRRRGH!”
05.14.09 at 4:22 am
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