The slurping sound was familiar, but my ears hadn’t prepared me for what mine eyes were about to see. I had spent nearly every waking minute of the previous six weeks attending to my female pug’s nine hungry puppies, alternately bottle-feeding them and making sure that Mama Pug let them hang off her nips long enough to get a warm, nourishing meal. It was exhausting work—by the time the ninth one was fed, we were right back at the top of the batting order. I had fallen asleep on the couch as the pups cuddled together in a big box on the floor.

The slurping sound roused me from my brief siesta. I immediately figured someone was nursing, but I was startled to look in the box and see Mama Pug was nowhere to be found. Instead, to my incredulous horror, I espied one male puppy feverishly BLOWING another! This is the sort of apparition for which a lifetime of psychological counseling and spiritual training could never prepare you, but I had to believe what my eyes were laser-beaming into my brain. Little “Johnny Boston,” one of the smaller pups, was bobbing his head up and down on the micro-mini-cock of “Da Priest” with the diligence of someone who faced a beating if they resisted. Da Priest, for his part, languidly lie on his back, legs spread and head lazily pointed toward the side as if enjoying a foot rub.

Since neither one of them seemed remotely interested in stopping their faggy little song-and-dance, I found it my duty as a caregiver to immediately separate them. Alarmed, angry, and ashamed, I pondered the implications of this sordid act for which the medical books and wildlife specials had not prepared me: Were two of my puppies homosexuals? And if so, how would this affect their market value?

Homosexuality among animals is as natural as a shiny red apple on a big green apple tree. Despite galaxies of evidence to the contrary, there still exist some mentally deficient Corn Nuts who believe that homosexuality is unnatural, citing as Gospel fact the myth that God’s beasts of the field are too macho and law-abiding to ever dabble in same-sex pleasures.

Au contraire, my kind, closeted friend. The historical record teems with case accounts of tawdry homo behavior among the lower orders. A massive book called Biological Exuberance claims that at least 470 species have been observed committing same-sex acts ranging from fellatio to cunnilingus to handjobs to pussy-bumping to “swordfighting” and full anal penetration. Many of these acts result in orgasm for one or—hopefully—both partners.

Female elephants have been observed using their trunks to diddle each other’s big rubbery elephant snatches. Lady monkeys and hedgehogs routinely muff-dive. Male dolphins have been known to fuck each other’s blowholes and stimulate one another’s naughty bits using “sonic pulses.” Lesbian seagulls form girl-only colonies off the California coast, while randy West Indian boy manatees engage in all-male orgies.

From the Agile Wallaby to the Bean Weevil, from the Indian Fruit Bat to the Mountain Dusky Salamander, from the Southern Green Stink Bug to the Yellow-Backed Chattering Lorikeet, from the humble Tsetse Fly all the way up to the majestic Sperm Whale, it seems that all of God’s creatures are prone to a little faggin’ off. And refreshingly, they do it without any of the annoying self-labeling so peculiar to humans. You might see orangutans blowing each other, but they’d never identify themselves as “queer.” They’re just blowing each other and having a good time.

Homophobes and troglodytes struggle to dismiss such obviously GAY behavior as either a display of social dominance, a friendly “greeting,” or even a case of mistaken identity. But when you consider that orgasms occur and that mutually affectionate and protective same-sex “relationships” often persist for years among animal couples who have ample access to the opposite sex, it seems plausible that homosexuality might even be an orientation among certain furry freaks.

This makes no sense from a Darwinian perspective, since evolution dictates that all sex aims at procreation. But it may make sense in that homosexuality lessens sexual competition and may even facilitate social order. Consider the fact that “gay” animal couples have been observed hatching others’ eggs and raising the young’uns, often with more success than “straight” couples. And never underestimate the social-bonding value of a good BJ.

Well, just because it’s natural doesn’t make it right, say the critics. After all, animals have been known to eat their young. Incest, gang rape, and pedophilic acts are also common among those pesky varmints.

What is unnatural, you ask me? Nothing. What’s wrong with any of it? I can’t say.

But beyond all the animal gay-play, and even out past where the murderous baby-eating incestuous Prairie Dogs roam, there’s another practice that exists both in the human realm and the animal kingdom: Lifelong committed heterosexual relationships. The only difference? It occurs with LESS FREQUENCY than nearly all of the sick acts listed above. So FAG ON, you faggot animals! Fag outward, onward, and upward!

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