So, we’ve already established life goes in stages. Most of you are in the 20 to 30 stage which is so fucking fun it seems like the be all and end all. I know of at least a dozen people who decided to just say fuck it to the next stage and end it around 30. I don’t really get that. Maybe it’s because they see movies (The Flying Scotsman, The Wrestler, even The Incredibles) where some hero can’t get over the past and is all washed up and sad remembering the salad days. I’m sure that happens but it’s not the norm. I don’t miss those days one iota. Don’t get me wrong. The party phase is heavenly. There’s nothing like going to a bar and seeing some snobby bitch in stilettos who you know is out of your league yet SOMEHOW you manage to get her back to your place. That morning you see those same shoes at the foot of your bed and secretly high five yourself. Then you have breakfast because she’s cool and hang out a bit. Now, she can either be your girlfriend or at least a fuckbuddy until she gets bored of your apathy. Good shit.
However, there comes a time when you’ve fucked a million billion strangers and you’ve nursed a million billion hangovers and you’re just over it. You want to focus. So you stick to one job until it pays and you stick to one girl for so long babies come out and do funny shit. That’s a whole new level of fun. I won’t bore you with the details here because it’s like trying to explain animal cruelty to a Chinese chef so I started a blog called “my dad homies” over here. Trace (Edgar Burns Crutchfield III) and BlogN’s buddy Benjamin are also contributors.
So, just to recap and combine this with “The Talk” post, the ideal scenario goes.
0-4: You live in a big city and get the most stimuli your little brain can handle.
4-14: You move to the country where it’s safe and go to some Montessori school where they make paper from scratch and feed chickens. If you stay in a city like New York you will either go to a public zoo or a bank-breaking private school filled with the worst assholes you could ever imagine.
14-30: You go back to the city or you will die of boredom. These are the party years. If you can’t sow your wild oats in 16 years of booze, drugs, and fucking you are doomed.
25-30: You need to start focusing on more serious relationships and scoping out a long term mate. You should be married by 30. Stop taking shitty jobs and try to focus on beginning a career. By 30 you should have a career and a spouse.
30-35: Fuck like rabbits and make some babies. The secret to getting her pregnant by the way is to really plunge it in there when you cum. Coke and hard drugs are now out and your job should have a long term plan that includes some kind of big payout down the line like shares or a pension or something like that. It’s also time to get out of the city.
35-50: This is all about the kids now. The whole notion of “self” is on hiatus. You won’t be fucking very much when the baby first comes out but don’t fret. It comes back like a tsunami. This is when you start buying expensive bourbon and enjoying each sip. You also cease to care what other people think.
50-60: A recreation of the early party years but with way more brains and context and personal interests. Now you go to Spain and are fascinated by the aqueducts. You go to wineries and all your friends have huge houses you can stay at.
60+: This is apparently all gravy. Some still give ‘er but most are focused on their hobbies and weird little quirks. Now they have their grandkids to play with and can take them in as little doses as they want. This is the whatever-the-fuck-you-want stage and you could give two shits what anyone has to say about it.
So when people die at 30 they are missing out on at least 4 huge stages. What really blows my mind about all this is the kids they don’t have. Those kids would have had kids. They all would have known each other. Countless lives into the future and 40,000 years of evolution all erased in a snap.
Anyway, I’m way off on an old man tangent here. All I wanted to do was tell the other dads out there about the My Dad Homies blog. I’m off to tend to my lawn (which is driving me nuts by the way because every time I fucking seed the bald patches we get a torrential rainfall that washes it away. I know I need to cover it with top soil and hay but the rain’s been so intense it washes that away too. Plus, it’s too much hay that made those fucking bald spots in the first place. I’m ready to give up and just wait til next summer. I heard about some burlap sack type thing you can get that has the seeds in it and you just lay that on the patches. I gotta get some of that. That would really get things going.)
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GAY!!!.
Revision:
0-13: eat a lot of candy, play the choking game, n look out for vans with blacked out windows
13-18: smoke pot, listen to misfits/danzig/samhain ( in that order) take a lot of adderall to pull through AP and SAT and ACT and SHIT, bone some dumb but fun people but be super careful because you don’t want create feti and have to go the votech.
18-20: ok, this is only as far as i’ve i made it but FIND YOURSELF. be afraid of herpes but not psychedelics.Go to other countries, show solidarity with palestine, borrow things and never return them .
20-30: MAKE PAPER SON!
30: JUST SAY NO TO KIDS; they’ll use up ur valuable paper.Buy stainless steel appliance and learn how to use a wok and french press or loose leaf tea and get sheets with thread count in thousands
.35: Is u bored? Ok kid, but by now ur eggs r rotted so adorable 3rd world/crack baby time.
40-50- Bestow ur wisdom.
50-dead: MEMOIRS/ANTIQUING. write letters to the editor.bake shit. avoiding falling down, cuz u’ll never get up .
END
08.10.09 at 12:21 pm
^ o yeah get like married too. probs before crack baby.
08.10.09 at 12:21 pm
What crap, fuck off tell people how to live! Still retarded at 50? Who gives a fuck!
Fucking-yawnsome-as ever Street Carnage…
08.10.09 at 12:29 pm
I think I’m doomed…damn 14-27(soon to approaching 30) period…we had some good times, didn’t we?
08.10.09 at 12:31 pm
20-40 See kids in public making their parents miserable and decide not to have kids.
40+ Don’t have kids and never have to say things like the following actual quote from a decent person “Having children ruined my life.” Also: have more sex.
08.10.09 at 12:32 pm
^
It’s not the kids making the parents miserable. It’s parents making themselves miserable by being a shitty parents.
08.10.09 at 12:36 pm
90% of 20-30s think they will never have kids. 7% actually don’t.
08.10.09 at 12:37 pm
But what if you’re 36 and doing great? Why mess with a good thing?
08.10.09 at 1:00 pm
That was depressing.
08.10.09 at 1:10 pm
The inner thoughts of every hipster fuck I have met during the course of my life who copped out to turn out like mom and dad. You just go ahead and believe that crap and have fun with that mortgage and kids, too. I had a button-down corporate job for 15 years and every day I had to listen to those crybabies bitching about how they had to work so much and commute and, blah, blah, blah and couldn’t spend time with the kids they were a couple checks away from broke over. Like they thought they were entitled to something better, despite the fact that every other fool who buys into that shit is stuck in the same boat.
08.10.09 at 1:38 pm
Gavin, I fucking love you. Your shit is funny and right on. This website makes me laugh and makes me smarter. I appreciate these things very much. keep it up.
08.10.09 at 1:45 pm
Most home improvement stores carry this mesh stuff that you lay over developing plant life to protect it from pests and the elements. I forgot what it was called but I used it for
grass and it worked.
08.10.09 at 1:59 pm
humans are obviously pretty good at conceiving, why tell the ones who don’t get it yet to do it? there’s to many people as it is. think about the kids the average visitor to this shit would have, a good 35-55% would end up being all organic vegan “fixies” and we don’t need that shit. the handful of fools still perpetuating the idea that organic is the next wave and savior is FALSE. so stop fucking for the purpose of “oh they will definately have it better,” because they wont…….did you? NO bitch you didn’t. think FUCK not propagate. kill yo self foo
08.10.09 at 2:18 pm
You’ve got to till that soil before you seed it, son. Get a pitchfork and work the shit out of it. Really helps prevent the seeds from washing away. Even still, they take so long to result in serious growth that you might as well wait until next summer, or just go buy some sod.
08.10.09 at 2:48 pm
isnt gavin still doing loads of drugs now and hes like 36?
08.10.09 at 2:52 pm
there no such thing as life stages. party till you die.
08.10.09 at 3:15 pm
Wait until you’re 40…
THEN you get to fuck all the girls that you missed the first pass around becuase they married young and later realized what a loser they were stuck with and divorced him. Some are real earnest and you get something good, others got fat from their kid bearing and you just go ” It was really great seeing you again!.” as you look for an escape route.
08.10.09 at 3:29 pm
thanks for the new mantra, i will be sure to follow it closely. I’m 31 next week, does anyone want the left over coke in my drawer? apparently i cant do it anymore, im getting married and pregging my gf tonight, im already a year behind on those bullet points.
08.10.09 at 4:36 pm
these comments suck now they used to be your bread and butter. WTF hapened to vanessa and her multi-personasslities?
08.10.09 at 4:45 pm
I’m 31. My life pretty much follows this pattern. Need to have the kids asap… just bought my stainless steel appliances though.
08.10.09 at 5:03 pm
You forgot this:
35-50: This is all about the kids now. The whole notion of “self” is on hiatus EXCEPT when one of the trust-fund kids whose balls you never hesitated to lick hungrily (despite your public posturing), whom you hung out with only ~12 times, overdoses on heroin. You will use that as an excuse to do a pile of blow and post on the Internet multiple rants more self-righteous than usual.
08.10.09 at 5:03 pm
no, fuck that. im a late bloomer. I’m not planning on partying until I’m forty but I am planning on going to grad school when I’m in my thirties (currently 29). I’ve got no biological clock to work from. My seed is going to be good for a long long time. Besides, I know tons o’ guys who’ve reached the salt and pepper stage of life and still bang young’uns. Just make sure to put in time to stay in shape and make sure your personal game is tight.
08.10.09 at 5:50 pm
If a 20 year-old-kid wrote some shit like this, you’d be all “that kid doesn’t know what he’s talking about” and you’d be right. So, until you actually turn 60, don’t say shit about what life is gonna be like then, because YOU DON’T FUCKING KNOW. (and neither do I)
08.10.09 at 6:21 pm
F this S – move to vietnam, get your own maid and driver, eat pho every day, live like a king, and never have to worry about shit (other than malaria)
08.10.09 at 6:39 pm
Never have kids. Do you know how irresponsible it is to have a kid (much less MULTIPLE) in this day and age? It’s like seeing a ticking time bomb on the entire world and deciding to turn the egg timer a little faster.
08.10.09 at 8:03 pm
FUCK i needed to read this so much in my life right now, im heading in this direction quick smart in a hurry, this shit is like a life raft to me i swears to you.
This is FUCKING GOSPEL: “there comes a time when you’ve fucked a million billion strangers and you’ve nursed a million billion hangovers and you’re just over it. You want to focus. So you stick to one job until it pays and you stick to one girl for so long babies come out”
Jesus fucking christ yeah.
I cant even find i dont think one friend who is headin down the same direction as me – not even with work, let alone wife, responsibility or anything else remotely worthy of respecting once you’re past the age of thirty.
Its sayonara to friends who cant deal with this shit.
Drugs and imaginary clothing labels need to start raping somebody elses circle of friends right quick.
I cant explains how much its good to hear this right now.
Little boys who cant grow up are fucking weak.
08.10.09 at 8:19 pm
and there I was a-wonderin’ when all this non-conformin’ was gonna end.
08.10.09 at 8:41 pm
“Drugs and imaginary clothing labels need to start raping somebody elses circle of friends right quick”
HA!
Except, lets keep the drugs.
08.10.09 at 10:19 pm
I saw the Mike Nichols movie “Carnal Knowledge” for the first time when I was about 25 (thanks Alan Coy!), and immediately knew I didn’t want to end up like Nicholson’s character…
08.10.09 at 11:32 pm
I’m a just-turned-40 WIlliamsburg-living coke-snortin’ going to Rose and Bembe and Monkeytown and banging-25-year-olds dude.
Why the hell would I quit this lifestyle to hear from a nagging no-sex I-want-another-baby wife with a boring job.
And no I’m not a trustfund hipster douchebag. I work all week in the music biz and enjoy my freakin’ life.
I remember the original Vice offices on N4th street where the crackwhore stroll used to be. What the hell has this blog become? Cosmo for fucks sake?
08.11.09 at 12:41 am
married men don’t have decent sex with their wives. well, not all of them, only about 90% of them. from like 35 years on up. the worst part is, once they get used to the crappy sex and begin to accept it, they then enter the no-sex years, which last until the grave for the suckers who don’t find their jollies elsewhere. aaaahahahaa.
it’s a comin’, boy. it’s a comin’ for ya.
08.11.09 at 12:52 am
well i guess that’s the gays fucked then.
08.11.09 at 1:56 am
“Do you know how irresponsible it is to have a kid (much less MULTIPLE) in this day and age?”
I agree! It’s far more “responsible” to allow primitive Third Worlders and uneducated Americans who couldn’t even PRONOUNCE “irresponsible” to flood the world with their seed.
08.11.09 at 5:21 am
anonymous just depressed me.. or atleast caused me anxiety
08.11.09 at 7:11 am
Shit yea! The advantage of having children is that in addition to you not having to give two fucks when you’re old, you have family to take care of you (unless they put you in a home, in which case you can just get out with the exit door you passed around 30)
08.11.09 at 7:50 am
what about if you’re gay and can’t legally get married or find it difficult to adopt kids? oops, forgot, this is all about the privileged folk. carry on with your glorious selves.
08.11.09 at 10:38 am
Married couples with babies and toddlers don’t have that much sex but it comes back like a bat out of hell when the kids become independent and start going to pre-K.
08.11.09 at 11:47 am
yeah, pretty fucking depressing. just do what you love to do, when you want to do it.fuck an outline.
08.11.09 at 12:34 pm
That was pretty damn cool. I don’t think I could have made the transition without it. dun dun dun.
All of Williamsburg should read this, this is how we will procreate!!!
08.11.09 at 5:17 pm
i read somewhere that the ideal age difference between a man and a woman to produce ‘the best baby’ (for lack of a better term) is six years; with the man being the senior. i use this as an excuse to slack of a bit more.
08.11.09 at 5:36 pm
I thought 30-40 was the take advantage of younger girls with your knowledge and money phase.
08.11.09 at 5:55 pm
Why’s this fool always giving parental advice? He doesn’t even work. Who the hell has that much time for their kid? This nigger can’t even go for a drink, but has enough time to write five blogs. In ten years he’ll have wised up and be blogging to you about spoiling your kids. Duncan Mcinnis is going out like Sean Lennon.
08.11.09 at 6:15 pm
I have to say I agree with Sal, we need more men to take heed of the life phase he has defined.
I mean where are you older fuckers to take care of me with your money and knowledge? And where are you to dominate me with your sexual experience and appreciation for young puss? Ohhhhhhh yeah I know where, you’re going home to your sexless marriage and annoying children. Goddamnit Gavin stop polluting them with this tripe just because you’re trapped.
08.11.09 at 6:30 pm
“# Yer fuggin’ kiddin me Says:
08.11.09 at 12:41 am
I’m a just-turned-40 WIlliamsburg-living coke-snortin’ going to Rose and Bembe and Monkeytown and banging-25-year-olds dude.
Why the hell would I quit this lifestyle to hear from a nagging no-sex I-want-another-baby wife with a boring job.
And no I’m not a trustfund hipster douchebag. I work all week in the music biz and enjoy my freakin’ life.
I remember the original Vice offices on N4th street where the crackwhore stroll used to be. What the hell has this blog become? Cosmo for fucks sake?
”
Yeah but i bet you’ve never been in hospital by yourself have you..?
You should go through some life-threatening shit in a white paper suit – take a look at the old dudes in the hospital with NOBODY there to give a flying fuck about them… pretty fuckin grim way to go out.
Outside of blood relations and half a handful (if that) of friends – nooooooooobody gives a fuck about you (enough to hang out with you while you spend your last 6 months in a cancer ward anyway)
08.11.09 at 8:15 pm
that self-indulgent shit about how much pussy you got when you were young? you’re a fucking clown.
08.11.09 at 8:33 pm
I just had great sex with my wife of six years, but that’s only because she’s a total whore. God only knows how much cock she’s ridden behind my back over the years. That’s right, I married a big assed slut that loves dick, and you know what? I’m satisfied and I’m proud. I walk tall. Fuck all y’all.
08.11.09 at 8:39 pm
Here’s two more things men should consider before waiting too long.
1- If you have kids after 40 you will be over 60 when they are heading to college. That means, right when your son gets to the point you can have a beer with him and talk politics without getting annoyed (25+) you will have prostate cancer. Do you really want to be 70 at your daughter’s wedding? Also, raising kids is for young people. It takes exercise and stamina. Not really the stuff of 40 somethings.
2- Old sperm has been linked to autism.
08.12.09 at 10:21 am
my 5 month old just fell asleep!
now i can rub one out in peace and quiet (because, as gavin says, there is no sex these days)
does that count as “pouring one out for my dad homies”?
08.12.09 at 10:36 am
.
08.12.09 at 7:55 pm
i don’t get it.
08.15.09 at 12:04 am