Because if you look deep, deep, oh so very deep, into your soul, you will find you are a worthless load of excrement. Now you’re wondering, “Why is this guy on the internet calling me a shit? He doesn’t know me. How could he know how shitty I am?” Well, the fact that you are reading an article titled “Are you tired of being a piece of shit?” is a dead give-away. I admit that some people just have a morbid curiosity concerning shitty people and their shitty opinions of themselves. This is also a sure fire method of determining shittiness of character.
Other reasons you may be on this website: “My little brother left this window open and I just happened to start reading it.” Well, that’s shitty genes (unless he’s adopted; let’s keep our fingers crossed) along with a dumb-fuck curiosity that will eventually lead you to finding out you’re secretly gay, or something terrible like that.
“I started typing a random string of letters, numbers and symbols and this web page came up.” You, sir, are fucked worst of all with a case of shittiness so improbable that no one will believe that you aren’t wasting your life on purpose.
“I wrote this blog post and I’m just here to read what other worthless piles of idiocy have decided to comment on this admittedly shitty piece of writing.” There is absolutely no excuse for this level of campy, poorly thought out, meta-twattery.
Whatever your reason for being here, I have a few suggestions that might help solve your problem. In case you are such an awful person that you don’t even realize that you are hurting everyone with your existence, please continue reading and just try some of the following suggestions as an experiment. You might be surprised when girls stop associating you with a tangle of grass covered with dog vomit.
1. Inventive suicide! Kill yourself. This is really the easiest way to help the rest of us, but don’t do it in a way that will make us yawn and your parents all weepy. Man plunges to his death off local bridge. Yawn. Way to go. Mediocre even in death. What you want to do is build a catapult and launch yourself into the East River from New Jersey while doing a live web cast. If you start working now, there’s a chance that your death will give people hope that there may be some omnipotent force balancing the universe. Just please, try not to survive. That would be terrible.
2. Skittish when it comes to ending your life? Perfectly understandable. Try this: set a goal to speak half as much as you do now. It might be too hard to count the average amount of words you use in a day, so please just stop talking on Wednesday around noon. You can yell out to someone to warn them of a speeding bus about to strike them, but do try to limit it to similar matters of life and death. If you ever use the word “hipster,” in any context other than to warn someone of a speeding hipster about to strike them, deduct yourself one day of free speech as a penance.
3. Join the Peace Corps. They’ll take all you cocaine-addled, purposeless college grads, so don’t worry about being too shitty a person to get in. People in Haiti are used to everything being as terrible as possible. Your personality will blend perfectly with the acidic, garbage stench that the locals call air. Another bonus is that most people won’t be able to understand you, and by the time you grasp the local language, you will be too tired, hot, thirsty and malaria-infected to bother anyone with the fact that your life is completely devoid of meaning.
If you read this article and come to the last paragraph and think, “Well, this guy sure hates somebody, but it’s not entirely clear who,” please stop. It’s you. I hate you most of all. I hate your parents, any siblings you may have, god forbid, any offspring, your pets, and all the things you came into contact within the span of your lifetime. I hate sex because chances are high that some of you found an equally miserable person who was too drunk to scream “No” loud enough to alert the police of the crime being committed. Sometimes, I hold my breath as long as I can because I think you may have breathed the same air at some point. I’m doing it now.
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I bet she gets nailed by alot of losers and ends up alone and sobbing the whole next day because it’s obvious her self esteem is pretty damn low. HAHAHA
07.23.09 at 12:42 pm
Olek sad
07.23.09 at 12:52 pm
childish. no, worse : teenish. you sound like fucking marilyn manson, dude. emo.
07.23.09 at 12:55 pm
I thought this was actually pretty funny.
07.23.09 at 1:13 pm
Of all the out of work journalists in this country, The Man at Street Boners decides to pay this motherfucker to type? This shit is even worse than the usual female-penned whining about how hard it is to be pretty in New York or some shit. This is seriously lacking in anything of interest.
07.23.09 at 1:13 pm
what was the point again?
07.23.09 at 1:26 pm
It is hard to be pretty in NYC, but this reminds me of “shut up you da vinci code fag”.
Funny.
07.23.09 at 1:40 pm
@a4awesome: Somebody totally said that to me, despite me actually using dan brown as an example of everything horrible and putrid in the preceeding sentence. But who?!
07.23.09 at 1:48 pm
Foreal foreal?
07.23.09 at 2:07 pm
Shit turns me on.
07.23.09 at 2:13 pm
everyone should talk less.
07.23.09 at 2:53 pm
And the chicken crossed the road.wokka wokka
07.23.09 at 3:29 pm
Thats funny because this article is a piece of shit!
07.23.09 at 5:47 pm
Why even come to this website if you’re expecting articles with a point? Fuck you! This isn’t your dads website. This is exactly the kind of article I’d expect from a website called street boners, you fucking faggots. Gawd.
07.23.09 at 5:56 pm
Norm’s right. Girls aren’t funny. Olek is no exception.
07.23.09 at 6:02 pm
I like the cut of Olek’s jib. This was funny. If you can’t see that you’re probably a commenter with the word ‘cum’ in your name who desperately wants to write for this site.
07.23.09 at 6:06 pm
Oh, and French guy; stop saying ‘dude’. I’m picturing Bill & Ted shredding with garlic around their necks. It’s not right.
07.23.09 at 6:09 pm
booooooooooooooooooooooring.
07.23.09 at 6:13 pm
Come on everybody. Listen to what dad has to say. Don’t you know that sticking your dick in someone and producing a future psych med consumer makes you an authority on everything? Sheesh!
07.23.09 at 6:16 pm
the next clue is “meta.”
07.23.09 at 6:18 pm
the girl in the picture looks like the girl from flight of the conchords.
07.23.09 at 7:40 pm
zuka
07.23.09 at 8:19 pm
If you read this article and come to the last paragraph and think, “Well, this guy sure hates somebody, but it’s not entirely clear who,”
Is it you, Olek? Do you hate yourself?
07.23.09 at 8:34 pm
Good. Hold your breath forever.
07.23.09 at 11:47 pm
r u a hipster? it seems like u r bummed about being called a hipster.
07.24.09 at 12:32 am
you’re not telling me what i should say or not. and this text has just too many words to be good. anyone could say it with ten times less words and this judgement has nothing to do with wanting to work for free for streetcarnage.
on the plus side, i like your name, i think it’s funny. but fuck you really.
07.24.09 at 4:13 am
stop acting as though your so superior for shitting on someone elses work, just because your life is so fucking crap.
poo. poo.
07.24.09 at 7:07 am
anybody with a keyboard can do better than that.
when i think something is good i give my opinion, and i do just the same when something is bad.
ps : and my life is rather good, thank you for worrying.
07.24.09 at 8:43 am