Photo by Merkley
I would like to know if you have any advice on how to not damage a relationship by moving in together. It’s a bit of a complicated situation with some unique circumstances, so I will give you a little bit of back story first:
I am 21 and he is 27. We were best friends for about a year, and things became complicated when we told each other that we had feelings for each other. The problem was that he was married (his wife is in the Air Force and stationed overseas, and their marriage has been slowly dissolving over the past few years) and I was engaged to his best friend (my fiance and I had been together for six years). After the revelation we were no longer able to see each other, but talked secretly through email for about a year. I fell in love with him, and he was all I could think about. When divorce started becoming a reality for him, I left my fiance to pursue a relationship with him. Yes, I know I am “bad person” for this, but I felt like I had no other choice. I had to take a chance for love.
We started things slowly, and avoided putting a label on what was going on between us. He is very hesitant to think of us as “boyfriend / girlfriend” or in a relationship because he is still dealing with the stress of his divorce and because of the morally ambiguous situation we are in. Still, our actions toward each other would suggest otherwise (we are intimately involved and “exclusive;” we still email/text/chat continuously throughout the day with one another, spending every spare moment we have together; I was invited to both Thanksgiving and Christmas with his family and have gotten to know them pretty well; we are open to each other about our feelings and he is very supportive of me; etc). We have been at this for about three months, and the progression is very nice (albeit a bit slow). I am just trying to be as patient and supportive as I can for him while he finalizes his divorce and gets some stability back into his life.
We started talking about moving in together — not romantically (because if he can’t even admit that we are technically in a relationship, then our motivations for cohabitating are certainly not to take it to the next level), but because we are both in financial dire straits right now. I am unemployed (but am receiving unemployment benefits) and my lease is up next month and I am not sure where I am going to go. He has to work two jobs just to barely make ends meet, leaving no funds left over to buy groceries or make sure his bills are in on time (he has a lot of student loans to pay off), and is very stressed about his lack of money. We are both extremely anti-social and don’t like the idea of finding roommates off of Craigslist, so it made sense that we would just live together. I know that everyone warns against moving in so soon and for the “wrong reasons,” and we are aware that we are taking a great risk by doing so. We decided that I would be moving in on Feb. 1st and that we would do a trial period for two months before making anything official (signing of a lease, etc). He even asked if I wouldn’t mind sleeping on the couch most nights (I was a bit affronted by this, and to be honest, think it will be kind of awkward and somewhat demeaning, but I understand that he is having some issues adjusting to his new life and wants to keep things as low-stress and pressure free for awhile; most people have told me to walk away when I share this bit of information, but if you knew him and his idiosyncrasies then you would understand how this request is actually not that unreasonable or strange).
So basically, the situation is that I am going to be moving in with a guy that I am dating, but as “roommates.” I have scoured the internet for information or advice but was not able to find anything. I believe that’s because this situation seems a bit unique. I am not looking for someone to tell me that this is a bad idea or to get out while I can because to be honest, I don’t really have any other choices and I have already committed to move in on the 1st. Instead, I am just looking for tips to find the balance between being a roommate and cultivating a fledgling relationship. I just want to be as careful as possible, but am kind of at a lost for guidance right now.
Thank You,
Not Good at Witty Pseudonym
—
Dear Not Good With Pseudonyms,
If you’re not willing to take everyone in the world’s advice about it NOT being a good idea for you guys to move in together, what the fuck do you think I’m gonna say? IT’S THE WORLD’S WORST IDEA TO MOVE IN TOGETHER. My advice on how to handle living with him peacefully is to not live with him at all. I’m stumped!
I know you think your situation is “different” but you’re wrong. It doesn’t even seem like he likes you that much. He might have his quirks but unless he has Down’s syndrome or Asberger’s, this situation is not unique at all. You are 21. Why aren’t you at a bar doing Irish Car Bombs and making out with frat boys?
OK, I’ll stop judging. You are living your life and making your own mistakes and there is beauty in that. But really, I am stumped with this and don’t know how you can make it work. Your denial runs deeper than any advice I have to give. I’m sorry if that’s harsh but hey, this is Street Carnage. This is where I turn my chair backwards and give you the straight street talk. I suggest therapy from a professional and reading the books Codependant No More by Melody Beattie, Facing Love Addiction by Pia Melody, Escape From Intimacy by Anne Wilson Schaef, and Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendricks. I’m sorry if I’ve failed you here. Those books are great and have helped me tons with thinking that I can do the same thing over and over again and expect different results. I identified with the denial and how I confuse “love” with my deep rooted emotional wounds that need healing. I think these books can help you more than I can, and when you’re ready, you should read them. Until then my suggestion is to just try to stay true to your feelings and what you want as much as you can. Be aware of how you feel in your gut when something uneasy comes up. Listen to that voice. It’s real, and it’s right.
xx
-LESLEY ARFIN
lesleyarfin.com
Send “Ask Barf” letters to SBTVC@StreetCarnage.com
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It’s AsPerger’s Syndrome.
02.01.10 at 10:28 am
You’ve been together since you were 15? Another Prom night/wedding night match made in heaven.
02.01.10 at 10:37 am
I prefer the more hilarious, AssBurger syndrome.
02.01.10 at 10:40 am
Get a fucking job so us taxpayers don’t have to pay for your miserable life anymore. And,”straight street talk”? Give me a fucking break.
02.01.10 at 11:50 am
People who are “straight” from the “streets” don’t go to “therapy,” nor do they read “books” about “codependency.”
02.01.10 at 11:53 am
heh “books”
02.01.10 at 12:14 pm
I concur, get a job you doormat.
02.01.10 at 12:21 pm
You’re reading in to his not liking you too much. A couple nights on the couch will get you thinking… idiosyncratic = pain in the ass.
02.01.10 at 12:27 pm
Keepin’ it classy.
02.01.10 at 12:53 pm
that’s it! my mission in life is to make leslie arfin fall in love with me. i so want to pull her fucking hair. and cum on her hampshire college graduation certificate.
02.01.10 at 1:10 pm
ohh i love arf!
02.01.10 at 1:32 pm
It’s also “Down” syndrome, not “Down’s,” but I expect Lesley to misspell anything except “heroin.”
02.01.10 at 2:38 pm
your relationship is pre-damaged, moving in notwithstanding.
do yourself and your non-boyfriend a favor on this one. tomorrow, when you see him, start crying. hard. then throw shit at him. lots of shit. then apologize. then cry more. then get angry and throw shit at him. accuse him of cheating. lie and say that you’re cheating on him. cry. apologize. grab a knife. when he leaves, don’t call him back.
i’m saying, cut to the chase. fast-forward five months. then go fuck someone your own age.
02.01.10 at 3:46 pm
So, he wants you to get the apartment, and he wants you to sleep on the couch. Your situation isn’t unique, you will do whatever he wants, and he will continue to take advantage. If you do decide to take this disasterous step, then let him sleep on the couch until you get sick of his assholery, and you kick his whiny ass to the curb.
02.01.10 at 3:57 pm
Take a dominant stance in the relationship. Urinate all over that couch.
02.01.10 at 7:35 pm
Just FYI Dumbass, it actually IS Down’s syndrome – its named after the medical proffesional who “discovered” it, you retard. Its like the rest of the trisomy conditions – edward’s and patau’s and the like. Fuck head.
02.01.10 at 8:03 pm
yo dumbass, it can be either down syndrome or down’s syndrome. the latter makes more sense for me cause the dude that discovered it was named “down.”
and naive 21-year-old: if a guy refuses to acknowledge you are dating and yet wants all the perks of the relationship, gtfo. he’s using you for sex, and i’m guessing money too, since he’s broke.
also, i can’t believe you left someone that you’ve dated for six years for someone you’ve only known for one (and his best friend, jesus fuck). i mean, you say you had no choice… bullshit. you never loved your fiance? what makes you think your little romance with this new guy would last any longer? jesus christ. if you’re unhappy in a relationship, leave. but don’t leave because you think the grass is greener over there and you just had to take a chance. beginner’s folly.
in relationships, fold if you have to, because you might end up losing it all if you don’t. what you did is a stupid bet with a low chance of paying off.
(i hope arf makes these letters up, cause this woman makes me sick)
02.01.10 at 8:11 pm
Why the fuck would he expect YOU to sleep on the couch?! DING DING DING DING something is totally wrong with that!!! If he doesn’t want to sleep in the same bed with the girl who is his girlfriend (but refuses to acknowledge) then HE should be the one sleeping on the couch. It seems that you are willing to do any-fucking-thing for this guy and you’re making up excuses for his ass-backwards behavior. He’s totally taking advantage of you, maybe even subconsciously, but you need to GTFO ASAP. Sorry.
02.01.10 at 9:11 pm
best advice yet, lez
02.01.10 at 9:41 pm
love makes people fucking crazy, the end
02.01.10 at 9:55 pm
Whoa guys, harsh.
02.01.10 at 11:11 pm
ok, i’m not nearly as bad as this girl, but some of the comments woke me up. no longer will the dude i’m dating and sleeping with but isn’t really my boyfriend be “dating and sleeping with but isn’t really my boyfriend.” BF or bust. if you don’t like that, commenters, then don’t date me.
anyway, to the original advice-asker: stay with your female friends. crash on their couch, their floor, whatever. it’ll be shitty but not nearly as shitty as living with this bro will be. move around so you don’t piss anyone off by staying at their place for two weeks or so. they’ll support you if you pitch in with housework and shit, especially if you cook, and especially if they think moving in with him is a bad idea too. that’s what friends are for! :]
02.02.10 at 12:25 am
@cephalod
Harsh? Most of these people are telling the truth. This is a guy who will basically cannibalize what’s left of this girl’s youth, using her throughout the years she should be out there exploring different relationships and learning a bit more about life with people closer to her age, to grow as a person who really would be ready for long term commitment with someone.
When this guy is finally done, probably when she’s north of 25 and closing in on 30, he’s probably going to find other younger girls and start the whole thing again. Harsh is going to be the baggage that she’s gonna be carrying afterward, when she looks back and sees a large part of her youth having been taken by someone who was just using her, and she never learned how not to be in a dependent relationship.
02.02.10 at 1:10 am
i agree, the answer seems clear. get some self esteem and find a guy who wants nothing more than to give YOU the bed, and even make it for you, aka treat you like a lady
02.02.10 at 1:51 am
Arf has gotten really good at this, i gotta say it. She’s shaping up to be the global worldwide Aunt of our generation, on the internet.
re: moving in and all that, seems like back in the day people just did this shit, if you both have limited options and it makes sense, its what you should do and try your best to make it work.
i think our generation is too picky and thinks that everything has to be some kind of seaseme street perfect before making any decision. that only happens in the movies, its not perfect now, it never will be, but go for it cos its the best you both can do. “life is what happens while you’re making other plans”. are you waiting for the end of the world to decide “oh shit, i should have done stuff and tried more stuff but i didnt”.
02.02.10 at 3:27 am
i think it’s racist to say that people from the streets don’t read books.
anyway, if you want it to work, get on heroin, which siphons all your problems into “how do we get more heroin.”
02.02.10 at 4:10 am
Preferred form is “Down syndrome,” retards:
http://www.ndss.org/
http://www.nads.org/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Down_syndrome
http://kidshealth.org/parent/medical/genetic/down_syndrome.html
02.02.10 at 5:22 am
this world needs more brains.
02.02.10 at 6:09 am
How I can expected to take this “writer” seriously when she spells “codependent” wrong? Yikes.
02.02.10 at 12:59 pm
I only clicked on this because I recognized the Merkley photo.
02.02.10 at 2:26 pm
As someone who actually has Down(’s) Syndrome, I prefer the more accurate, Goad Syndrome.
Also, I just pooped myself.
02.02.10 at 3:47 pm
Since when are people so fucking distracted by spelling? Fuck, go get a job editing and get it out of your system.
02.02.10 at 10:29 pm
A lot of these comments seem really helpful, and sorry about my misspellings and not knowing about Down vs Down’s. You don’t have to take me seriously as a writer. I don’t!
02.03.10 at 12:20 am
Merkley who do you rule so much?
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