A few years ago my girlfriend, Lauren, met Sally at school. Lauren and I are from the NY area and Sally was from the Midwest, so she did not have any friends when she moved to the city. Eventually Sally and Lauren became friends — not close, but every now and then they hung out.
Fast-forward a few years to graduation (over a year ago): Sally lands a job in NY, yet has a boyfriend back home, Chris. Sally’s job pays over six-figures and she has great apartment in the city, really enjoys NY and does not want to move back. So she has Chris move to NY and live with her. Chris comes, hates the city, does not meet anybody and wants to move back home. After six months Sally decides to give Lauren a call and see if they would like to meet up for a double-date.
We have the double and all have a good time. I meet Chris, who is a nice guy. Chris explains his situation, so I tell him I will introduce him to my friends. I introduce Chris to my friends and we all get along. Not BFFs but we can all still chill together. This soon develops into a dependent relationship.
What began as a normal double-date relationship that saw each other monthly rapidly developed into weekly invites, then brunch invites, then weekday invites…. It spun out of control. We tried every excuse to keep it to a normal relationship, but they were simply too pushy. Our other friends and family members noticed and we got made fun of that we were in a “double-date relationship.” Soon we would have to do something.
Alas, news from Sally’s job: She would have to move back to the midwest in six weeks or find a new job. Lauren and I were saved! We toughed out the next few weeks knowing that it would be over soon. At their going-away party they brought us into a separate room and told us that they were going to miss us very much and they even got emotional. My girlfriend and I couldn’t help looking each other in the eye and smirking; we only really hung out with these people the last six months. We thought this would be the last time we would see them. Wrong.
Sally’s job had her travel to NY every month. Sally asked Lauren if she could stay at our one bedroom place when she came and that it would be three or four weekends a year, tops. We obliged, except that it turns out to be more like one week every month. On top of that, she borrowed things without replacing them, doesn’t wash her own dishes, eats our food and comments on our “sketchy” neighborhood.
Now my girlfriend and I do not even make six-figures with both our salaries put together, and we’re accomadating a girl who does — so her boss can save money! We’ve asked her to clean up after herself, asked if she can stay at her other friends’ places, even at times flat-out told her she cannot stay at our place, but that doesn’t work.
So lately weve been doing what any normal person would do: ignore their calls. It’s been about three months of not speaking to them and it’s not working. We are still getting texts, calls, or emails and recently they have been very frequent. They simply do not get it (or refuse too). Is there such a thing as breaking up with a friend? With a couple? What do we do?
Sincerely,
Trapped in a Co-dependent Double-date Relationship
Dear Trapped,
This is so funny. Really. I’m sorry for the latent response and considering the path you and your girlfriend were on, this problem may be solved by now.
I’d suggest you do exactly what you were doing: ignoring. What a weird dilemma, right? Does she show up at your doorstep unannounced? I think it’s time to break out the big guns and tell her exactly what you think. No more passive-aggressive moves. No more trying to be polite. These people (or now, maybe just this one girl) are completely stepping over a boundary. It’s totally selfish behavior and not all about how cool you and your girlfriend are, but about how she’s a soul-sucker, swagger-jacker, style-biter, jock-humper (I just made that last one up). Actually, by telling her exactly how you feel, you’d probably be doing her a favor and saving her MAYBE from sucking at life for forever. Next time, to protect your personal and psychic space, tell her exactly how you feel in the most honest (not meanest, but honest) way possible:
“WE DON’T WANT YOU STAYING WITH US ANYMORE.”
“YOU HAVE CROSSED THE FRIENDSHIP LINE AND IT’S CREEPING US OUT.”
“YOU ARE BEING TOTALLY RUDE IN ASSUMING YOU CAN STAY WITH US.”
Etc….. You get the idea. Please write back, I’d love a follow up. I’m curious about how this will all pan out.
XO,
-LESLEY ARFIN
LesleyArfin.com
CafeconLesley.BlogSpot.com
Send “Ask Barf” letters to SBTVC@StreetCarnage.com
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That picture.
Those boots.
The friend.
It looks like she is trying to mount a horse.
Hi Ho Silver! Away!!!!!!
02.23.10 at 9:17 am
Reply to one of their emails with link to this article
02.23.10 at 9:21 am
these people need to grow the fuck up.
02.23.10 at 10:03 am
@OOO: Brilliant. No more suggestions necessary.
02.23.10 at 10:18 am
@sho nuff: I have to agree. This grown-up needs someone else to tell him, to tell them, to fuck off?
02.23.10 at 10:19 am
I blame the suburbs.
02.23.10 at 10:35 am
JuCifer, I sort of do too. People who were brought up by parents saying “you’re an angel from heaven, nothing you do is wrong”. They never learn otherwise. Teach ‘em!
02.23.10 at 10:55 am
i would like to see follow ups from lots of these things people send in, most of them are quite normal situations that u can relate to.
a sort of ‘where are they now’ / ‘does arfins advice actually work’ thing.
what if you gave these people advice on an ongoing basis, just to see where it got them… it would be scary. probably make a good book too i watched that movie daybreakers the other day and it was really fucking shitty so i turned it off
02.23.10 at 11:11 am
that pic would make my dong explode if there was a finger in purple’s butt…
02.23.10 at 11:15 am
You say “latent” but you mean “late.”
02.23.10 at 11:31 am
lol at ”commented about my sketchy neighborhood”
02.23.10 at 11:47 am
yeah i know a few of those People.
02.23.10 at 12:07 pm
we are not a hotel stop using us and fuck off
02.23.10 at 12:37 pm
I think Arfin is way off on this one.
You not only have a friend who makes 6 figures but you have a ‘co-dependant’ friend that makes 6 figures. This is a potential gold mine that you’re letting slip through your fingers.
That’s a ton of free meals and concerts you could be missing becauase codependant people will do almost anything and justify most non-overt abuse in order to be your friend.
So here’s a two part strategy to keep them your friend and extract all the possible resources you can from them.
One:
Let them come over but make it reaaaaal uncomfortable for them to stay.
This preserves the relationship yet discourages them from inconveniencing you.
For example, tell them you have to go to work at 5AM and they have to leave when you do because of landlord policy.
You will have to get up at 5AM one morning to get them out the door but they won’t stay again. And you will sleep well especially after eating a delicious meal your 6 figure income friend bought you.
And you can just drive around the block and go back to sleep after they’ve left.
Also, tell them your shower is broken and you’re having to take showers with your boyfriend. And, after you drive around the block, feel free to jump into your steaming hot shower.
You get the drift on that one.
TWO:
The second part is learn how to mooch. I can’t believe you’re of an age to be on your own and you haven’t learned how to mooch yet.
Are Americans that spoiled?
The key to mooching is “Never Ask” always imply.
“Man there a great Klaxons concert coming to town. I wish we could go I just don’t have the money for it. If you bought the tickets I could pay you back.”
Note the we. It’s a team effort. I want ‘us’ to go bond at the Klaxons.
It’s what men have been doing to women for ages. I want ‘us’ to make love versus I want ‘me’ to get laid. Subtle but significant difference.
Also, never pay her back.
The great thing is if she ever asks for the money back you can just say
“I thought that was a thank you gift for staying at my apartment”
Mooching is sort of an art form and takes practice but that’s some of the basics.
In conclusion, you have to look at the big picture. Don’t let this potential opportunity slip through your fingers.
02.23.10 at 12:42 pm
the reason why she makes 6 figures and you fags don’t is because you are pussies and let people walk all over you. if you don’t want her there tell her to fuck off.
02.23.10 at 12:57 pm
Tell them you’re making an independent film, and you want them to act in it. When it’s all set, tell them them to do stuff described in Urban Dictionary. If they comply, they’re keepers, and you’ll be making six figures and living in Connecticut.
02.23.10 at 1:22 pm
BOAR –RING!!
02.23.10 at 1:26 pm
twen, ty, thou, sand, a, year = 6 figures
02.23.10 at 2:19 pm
true, hahahahahlmaooo@Pogi
02.23.10 at 2:46 pm
“six figures” in NY = a salary of $35 thou a year in midwest
was this written by a man? what a faggot
02.23.10 at 3:00 pm
OVER six figures a year. Seven figures or more. A million dollars plus.
No way.
Also, far too long. This synopsis of your wretched life shouldn’t have taken over 20 words.
02.23.10 at 4:06 pm
Yeah, I call salary bullshit, being that you conceded that she was fresh outta college. The only way I can believe that is if she went to Rich-Nigga-Dick-Sucking-University and made great tips.
02.24.10 at 2:26 am
so. people like this actually exist?
02.24.10 at 8:48 am
Doesn’t it seem like Lesley Arfin is the only real human being writing for this website?
02.28.10 at 2:17 pm
[...] the follow up to the break-up: It happened that weekend before your advice was posted. Don’t worry about getting back late; the break-up was [...]
03.04.10 at 2:31 pm