I’ve been going out with this girl for two years now and I just don’t want to do it anymore. My friends tell me the best way to get out of a relationship is to be an asshole for a while so she wants to break up with me. Others say I should keep going until I hate her so much that I don’t care if she gets her feelings hurt. This is my first serious break up. Is this what everyone goes through. What if I end up marrying her because I’m too chicken to break it off? Help!
-SILENTLY OVER IT
Dear Silently Over It,
I’m fucking scared for you dude. You might end up marrying her. This is how a lot of marriages end up happening actually, which is why so many end in divorce. But if you think breaking up is hard, try divorce and you’ll understand why suicide rates are so high. So basically, you’re dead right now.
J TO THE MOTHAFUKIN K!!! Relax my dude. One thing you should know is that breaking up is the worst thing in the world, the hardest thing in the world, and everyone in the world has done it at least once (unless you’re a total loser). I’m just telling you this so you don’t feel so alone. First of all, DO NOT be an asshole for a while. If you know anything about girls (you obvs don’t) then you’ll know that girls like assholes. Or at least we don’t totally hate them. What she’ll do rather than break up with you is try to control and manipulate you more to get you to be nice to her. To “keep going until you hate her and don’t care” doesn’t really work either. Why would you want to put yourself through that? I mean, that might work, but it sounds brutal. Are you that much of a pussy? Gavin says breaking up should be a 5 hour conversation that involves tears and heartbreak and hugs and eventually walking out the door and never looking back, and then going to get a beer with your buds. That sounds about right. It rarely works that way (usually we go back and forth forever until we start fucking someone else) but as far as clean breaks go, I think that’s how it’s done. Let’s ask my boyfriend what he thinks:
“Breaking up with a chick is like getting punched in the face. Thinking about it sucks but after it happens it’s not that bad. Once it’s over, you realize you can get punched in the face again. Basically stop being a pussy, man up, and dump her. This guy sounds like a closet fag. Prolonging dead relationships is the worst move.” -Machine Johnson of Team Facelift
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Sound advice.
11.05.09 at 10:26 am
Any advice on a long distance situation? Im trying to work out whether or not i should do it over the phone or make the trip.
11.05.09 at 10:28 am
@homeless
Make the trip but have a good exit strategy. Don’t chance dangling off the skids of the last helicopter out of Saigon.
11.05.09 at 10:35 am
nice photo. is that from hipstockimages.com? real cutting edge shit there.
11.05.09 at 10:43 am
Ooh, @homeless, I say save your money and do it over the phone.
11.05.09 at 11:07 am
get busted doing something online or on the phone then just blurt out how unhappy you are and there, it begins.
11.05.09 at 11:53 am
The picture has been replaced and the intern has been reprimanded. We apologize for those terrible jeans.
11.05.09 at 12:18 pm
1- Just do it. People work in sewers. People do clean up for crime scenes. People work with the severely handicapped. You can take 5 hours out of your day to explain to someone that it’s over.
2- Wait so long you hate them and don’t care how they feel.
3- Be such a dick they hate you and want you out of their life (this one usually backfires with chicks).
Just don’t wait so long she’s missed her window and is on a one-way ticket to spinster land. I knew a guy that would date girls who were around 26 and then dump them at 29. They’d take a year to recover and then they’d have about a year to find Mr. Right. Not fair. Tantamount to murder (of the unborn).
11.05.09 at 12:21 pm
This is soo easy
Cheat on her with someone her friends know
Your shit will be all packed up in garbage bags in a week or two
11.05.09 at 12:51 pm
“J TO THE MOTHAFUKIN K”???
What!?!?!?!?
Is that even ALLOWED?
11.05.09 at 1:10 pm
“I’ve been going out with this girl for two years now and I just don’t want to do it anymore. My friends tell me the best way to get out of a relationship is to be an asshole for a while so she wants to break up with me.”
Suggest a menage a trois with her roommate.
11.05.09 at 2:15 pm
Just do it and get it over with, like ripping off a bandaid. The longer you stir the pot the smellier it gets. Also, don’t travel to do it, you’ll just end up getting laid and staying with her for longer.
11.05.09 at 2:19 pm
never really had this problem, but I’d imagine the best way is to get really drunk.
11.05.09 at 2:23 pm
Have the Internet do it for you; post her phone number
11.05.09 at 2:39 pm
I took that pic. I sent it for the street boners. Anyway its good to see it here. Its an honor
11.05.09 at 2:56 pm
Oh I know! Give her syphilis.
11.05.09 at 3:03 pm
Get caught semi-cheating and let the floodgates open.
11.05.09 at 3:14 pm
pleeeeeeeeeeeease don’t try the backhanded breakup (being an asshole so she’ll want to dump you). it’ll be a hundred times worse watching her grow to hate you more and more. if you really feel like this relationship has run its course and is stale than she probably feels the same way too. do the 5-hour breakup thing, except make it one hour, lie if you have to (“we want different things”/”it’s not you it’s me”) and then after you both start fucking other people, you’ll probably both be so over it that you can hang out in some capacity.
if you aren’t a total dick during the breakup, she’ll always speak of you as “alex, that really great guy i dated for two years” and she’ll probably give her friends the go-ahead to fuck you in the future. TRUST ME.
11.05.09 at 3:49 pm
I tried the “be an asshole until she gets tired of it” approach once when I was in the exact same position.
Backfired in a huge way.
11.05.09 at 4:39 pm
the advice, the initial question, and every single comment offends me. fuck the library
11.05.09 at 4:52 pm
hey, im glad to read this because i am going through the exact same dilemma. i really love and care about my gf, so i dont want to hurt her feelings, but i think the relationship has run its course and i dont view it as a long-term, mairrage type of thing so we must end it. she’s totally in love with me though and tells me every day and i’ve been so scared to crush her. i finally worked up the courage to bring it up a couple of days ago. it was really hard and made both of us really sad, but i know we’ll be alright in the future. it doesnt help though that my mom and sister think im making a mistake. there are always those doubts though and thats one of the hardest parts of ending things. anyway, i think lesley gave solid advice. just get some courage and talk about it. it’ll suck for a while but you’ll both be ok in the long run
11.05.09 at 5:32 pm
You gotta bum yourself out real bad first, like drink a fifth of Jim and listen to Nick Cave.
11.05.09 at 6:51 pm
Work this concept into your plan.
…. naked in front of her mother……
11.05.09 at 7:19 pm
Call her up on the phone. Start a normal conversation. Say “Oh, I have to tell you the funniest story…” Hang up. Change your number. Move. Done.
11.05.09 at 8:46 pm
The golden rule is: Embrace the Cliche.
Literally say “We have to talk” and insist on talking to her in person. It sounds lame but in a weird way there’s no decent way to say it, and god forbid, irony has no place in these kinds of little chats. You might even catch a break and she’ll make it easy for you
I’ve had way more success saying the obvious, but then again it took my until my late 20s to date women I actually respected and had anything in common with.
Also, check out this wang:
N==========D ~ PUH!
11.05.09 at 10:42 pm
Develop a serious World of Warcraft habit and spend all your free time playing it.
She will break up with you!!!
It works! Trust me!
11.05.09 at 10:49 pm
Dont be an asshole just start being really annoying and kinda gross. she’ll dump you out of embarassment. also, i can’t spell.
11.06.09 at 1:17 am
From my experience a guy’ll just say he got another girl preggers….
11.06.09 at 1:58 am
@imyar
That’s exactly what I did!
11.06.09 at 2:05 am
Another way to go about it, would be to blow her an air kiss… It’ll confuse her and make her wonder if she’s actually involved with a woman… which will then confuse her enough to break it off…. That happen to me once, the air kiss, and to top it off the guy had a German accent…
11.06.09 at 4:31 am