Dear Lesley,
I’m a young man and I’ve just realized that I’m in all likelihood a huge douchebag. I have no idea what I’m supposed to do about it so I’m coming to you for help. Here’s what led me to this realization: Whenever I’m into a band or something, and the people around me don’t tout me as a trendsetter for being into it first, I immediately harbor a deep feeling of resentment towards them. Are these feelings normal? Have you ever felt like this? Its horrible, but I feel this way all the time. I’ve tried to suppress this emotion, but I just can’t help it. I’ve felt this way when my friends from high school got into Cool Kids a year after me, and also now when after what’s seemed like an eternity AT40 radio has just started playing “Paper Planes” and now the whole damn continent is into it. I mean, It’s like I think I’m the greatest thing since fucking sliced bread just because I’ve been into No Age since their first album came out. And what’s even worse, I’ll say snarky things to people like “you’re just now getting into…”, or “I remember when I first heard that song, I was at this party and…” just as a way to fish compliments out of them regarding my coolness. I’m reading this now and realizing that it sounds so cliche, like next I’m going to tell you that the book was better than the movie. People always complain about douchebags but they never have any advice on how we’re supposed to get over it. This is a sincere request, for real practical advice (the name is fake though, I’ve always made it a habit to keep an alias e-mail account). I recognize that I have a problem and I want to get better, I just have no fucking clue what the next step is.
Thanks for listening Barf.
Dear D-bag,
Congratulations, for the first step in overcoming douchebaggery is admitting you are one. The second step is asking for help. I’m proud of you! Can I relate to your situation? Absolutely, for I too have dabbled in douchedom. In fact, quite often my friends have made fun of me for bragging about “stuff I did first,” although usually mine is either about a bit of a gossip (“I knew Emily was pregnant first!”) or a dumb fashion trend (“I started running sneakers!”) or even a simple jazz move (“Ben got that dance move from me!”). Truth be told, most people are douchey. It reminds me of the end of the movie Mean Girls, when Cady Harris comes to that pivotal realization that just because the girl across from her has a wicked mustache, it doesn’t mean she can’t beat her at math. Just because you call someone fat, it doesn’t make you thinner, and in our case, just because you heard something first it doesn’t mean that someone else somewhere in the world didn’t beat you to the punch. The truth is that there is plenty of cool “stuff” in the world to go around for everyone, and just because someone else jumps on the “Paper Planes” bandwagon, it doesn’t make the song sound any different. If the book is better than the movie, well then, the book is still great. You owning it and bragging about it doesn’t change it. You didn’t sing the song, you didn’t write the book, so in fact, it was never really yours to begin with. The whole idea of holding on to these gems for ourselves is because we feel so insecure that without them, we might not seem cool at all. If people don’t know I have a Germs tattoo, how will they know I’m punk? The real coolness happens when you’re able to give it away. When you can let go of the cool stuff, you get more cool stuff in return. This isn’t a theory I’m making up, but the real laws of the universe. You keep what you have by giving it away. If someone else wants to brag about how they discovered Cool Kids even though you know you did, let them have it. Then they become the douchebag, and while they’re calling into the newspapers to stop the presses to announce how important they are, you’re off discovering more cool shit. Not to impress other people, but to make your world a little bigger. I really love this letter and my advice is to try to practice the opposite action, even if at first it’s like pulling teeth. For example, when someone tells you how much they love No Age, you say “Aren’t they great? I’m so glad you’re into them.” It’s like when George Costanza did the opposite of everything on Seinfeld and everything started working out for him. Eventually you’re contrary action won’t be contrary anymore, and not only will you not be an angry, resentful douchebag, but you’ll also be pretty fucking cool.
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STREET BONER 1127
Being straight edge as a kid is a great way to rebel against: puking, getting pregnant, and wrapping your parent’s car around a tree.
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i’m a douchebag because i think im the guy who got everyone to start using the word douchebag again. seriously, that phrase needs to be put on ice for a couple of years at this point. (see im such a douche)
10.20.08 at 1:31 pm
nope, I STARTED USING DOUCHEBAG AGAIN FIRST.
10.20.08 at 1:35 pm
Be genuinely happy for others, it’s easy and buried deep and securely inside each of us just below our insecurities that cause us to be so envious towards others. If you practice being happy for others who have been rewarded with something positive you will find that the feeling (act of genuinely feeling happy for others) will start coming naturally and you your self will radiate positive energy which is what people will truly love you for. In the act, you may affect someone in such a positive way that they themselves shed their insecurities and start spreading the love as well.
10.20.08 at 1:58 pm
great article by the way
10.20.08 at 1:59 pm
“Every time a friend succeeds, a part of me dies.”
10.20.08 at 2:02 pm
I always thought the term “douchebag” implied something more along the lines of lowlife thieving scam artist scumbag lunatic coward dickhead…
10.20.08 at 2:08 pm
barf’s heart is in the right place, but her advice is all wrong.
the first step towards not being a douchebag is to not care.
the second step is to realize there’s good reasons not to care.
among those reasons:
- the fact that you are buying into youth marketing the way republicans buy into talking points. you know who orchestrates youth marketing? douchebags. who hate the bands you love (that they are trying to sell you). and who are miserable b/c they have to be out at some stupid industry event 5 nights out of the week, surrounded by people they hate.
- the fact that music and such are there to make you feel good when encounter it, not when you get to feel superior and hang it over others’ heads
- the fact that most people come to things later than you because they are clueless. you are lording over peasants. it’s like in that movie “the foot fist way” where the karate instructor’s wife cheats on him because his empire is nothing but a bunch of dorky suburbanites, yet he thinks he’s the man because of it.
- the fact that most people care about this stuff a lot less than you also implies that it is less likely to help you in any practical way in the rest of the world. for instance, some people have never heard the cool kids or the song that you’re talking about. you are speaking a different language to those people, and the fact that it is occupies such a large portion of your personality means there is a huge barrier you and the rest of the relevant world.
- the fact that that band that you care about will have lost steam before you can say “the next big thing”. or rather, its marketing team and the label dollars going towards that band will be diverted to the next band that “you were the first” to hear about. who, incidentally, was probably in the process of being “incubated” before you even heard about them behind a fake indie label or something.
long story short: if these things ended up making any long-term contribution to the world (for better or worse), it would make a difference whether you were the first to know about things like bands or insignificant contemporary cultural footnotes. particularly if you were the creator, and not just the consumer. but as it stands, these things merely contribute to the mounting cultural landfill that is the hallmark of the information society.
maybe you (and others) can change that and earn the right to be arrogant? *that’s* when barf’s advice will start to matter.
10.20.08 at 2:36 pm
Maybe being a douchebag is thinking any of this shit is yours to begin with, whether you “give it away” or not.
10.20.08 at 2:37 pm
i thot the whole piece rather boring, actually
having said that Giv us blognigger!
10.20.08 at 2:52 pm
I feel a little better.
10.20.08 at 3:05 pm
This is my friend!!! And I knew him first
10.20.08 at 3:54 pm
you’re all a bunch of douchebags.
10.20.08 at 3:56 pm
Once and douche always a douche. Now let’s tackle the true issue, “The Cool Kids”.
10.20.08 at 5:13 pm
one look at that picture and you know the guy is a douchebag – Both those guys. You can listen to whatever music you want but if you look like that its glaringly obvious you’re a total douchebag. Could you try any harder to look like you’re trying hard? christ.
10.20.08 at 5:54 pm
My girlfriend is a douchebag. How should I tackle that one? Her arrogance is getting old. I’m serious too
10.20.08 at 6:14 pm
lesley
you are so spot fuckin on
10.20.08 at 6:53 pm
that kid on the right looks just fucking like me, in swear. except i look much more haggard from drinking and he looks a little tanner. seriously though i thought it was me for a second even though it couldnt of been like when you see some dead relative at the airport or some shit.
10.20.08 at 6:59 pm
Suicide is the quickest way to cure douchebaggery.
10.20.08 at 8:00 pm
reversesuicide even quicker
10.20.08 at 11:17 pm
Dear Lesley,
You’re the best!
10.20.08 at 11:30 pm
Paragraph breaks are your friends.
10.21.08 at 1:37 am
The term is actually douchebaggotry (as in fucked up back alley douchebaggotry) and I’ve been saying that for like five years.
10.21.08 at 3:30 am
thanks lesley. my love for you increases with every passing day.
10.21.08 at 10:56 am
“…and I’ve been saying that for like five years.”
– No one’s cared for that long either.
10.21.08 at 5:29 pm
man you have the best advice leslie. you totally put that in perspective in the most make sensey- logical way and i adore you for it!!
I HOPE YOU AND YOUR ADVICE NEEDER HAVE SUCH A GREAT DAY NOW.
10.21.08 at 6:59 pm
I hope these “i luv you lesley….you’re the best writer” comments are 1) sarcastic; or 2) from her mommy
10.21.08 at 7:09 pm
CADY HERON
08.23.09 at 6:18 pm
Well done. I suggest we add ‘douchebag’ to the pile of weightless slurs, next to ‘nigga’ and adjacent to ‘hipster’.
09.01.09 at 5:18 pm
Barfin for Arfin’s answer is only the second wave of really ‘getting it’. The realization that you have to be a bit of a douchebag to actually be cool comes next. After all, people cant see the inner you, it has to be marketed.
Sure its a slippery slope as to what qualifies as marketing yourself and what qualifies as being a douchebag. To complicate things more, they arent mutually exclusive.
But simply saying, never douche/market ever wont make you any cooler, itll just make you nicer (read: boring).
02.02.10 at 10:12 pm