[Not an actual picture of Dean and Kate]
I have been seeing this girl, Kate, for almost two years. It’s the easiest, greatest, most fun relationship I’ve ever been in. We get along really well almost without trying, we have the raddest dates, she has the coolest friends, really good fashion sense, etc. I get along with her perfectly. The only problem is that I’m only sort of attracted to her. Sometimes i think she’s pretty and other times I stop and sort of think about other girls, or ask myself why am I dating her, or whatever. It’s like, 11 out of 10 for everything but looks, but that part gets like a 5, sometimes maybe up to a 6, and it makes me feel weird. I sort of want to break up with her, but also she is the best girlfriend or best friend or whatever that I’ve ever had and I’m really worried about losing that. I could totally spend forever hanging out with her, but….
Feeling shallow and terrible,
-DEAN
Dear Dean,
Yeah, this is sort of a pickle. You shouldn’t beat yourself up about it. You not being attracted to her doesn’t mean that she’s “ugly” or whatever. There’s no definitive answer to her looks (even though the guys on Street Carnage will have you believe there is). People are so caught up in girls being 5s or 8s and commenters say things about the way I look all the time — Bottom line is, love is love but sex is chemistry. If her pheromones aren’t correctly activating your weiner-mones, or whatever the fuck, it is what it is. It will never change.
When I was in high school, there was this kid who was a total nerd. And not like a nerd in a fucking Vampire Weekend way, but a real nerd who had no friends, chapped lips, pasty skin, and grey sweatpants. He walked on his tippy toes and dressed like a toddler. He had a bowl haircut! I could go on and on. Know why? BECAUSE I FUCKING THOUGHT HE WAS KIND OF HOT AND WAS SECRETLY ATTRACTED TO HIM. I don’t know why and I don’t really care. He was a 2. So? I liked it. I also once had the opportunity to hook up with Matt Dillon (who hasn’t?), who some might say is a 9, and I passed. Not attractive to me for whatever reason. I wasn’t feeling it.
Anyway, sorry to give you the world’s longest answer. Basically, you’re not gonna get more attracted to her and you shouldn’t feel guilty about it. Sex is the glue that holds our vaginae and penises together. It’s important. If you sell yourself short on that, you’re not being true to yourself (or the relationship). One thing someone once told me that I never forgot: Nothing in this world is ever personal. If her personality doesn’t turn you on, no matter how rad your dates are, then nothing will.
(Let the mean comments about looks ensue…)
-LESLEY
LesleyArfin.com
CafeconLesley.BlogSpot.com
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What’s weird to me is that you went with “vaginae” but not the more obvious “peni.” Shrew Arfin.
Also, it seems to me that 90% of the world doesn’t want to fuck their spouse. This guy, then, is just ahead of the curve. If you’ve been dating for a decade and you don’t to stab her then she’s a keeper. Someone on this website had something to say about massage parlours.
03.15.10 at 12:07 pm
meant to say “shrewd Arfin.” Far as I can tell shrew isn’t you.
03.15.10 at 12:08 pm
Writer is a shallow douchebag and she is better off without him.
03.15.10 at 12:17 pm
dean—i am in this same situation with my (now ex) boyfriend, so i feel your pain. he is my best friend in the world, coolest guy ever, but it just wasn’t working. the chemistry isn’t there. he deserves someone who is attracted to him, and so does your girlfriend. i know it’s tough, but you have to break it off.
i felt a giant weight lifted off my shoulders after i got the gall to do it. i mean, really, who wants to have to talk themselves into having sex with someone? it’s just wrong! hopefully the two of you will be able to work out a friendship and modified rad hangouts can be salvaged.
03.15.10 at 12:25 pm
WTF? Do you realise that most of the time you will not be fucking her? You’ll just be hanging out, drinking beers, watching movies, cracking jokes. Take two babes like Scarjo and Ryan Reynolds – they are only fucking each like 4% of the time, the other 96% of the time they’re just bored. Be happy you’ve got awesome 96% of the time relationship.
03.15.10 at 12:27 pm
I don’t have anything mean to say, because your point of view is reasonable — I just disagree. Once you get over the honeymoon period (say two-years) great sex gets old. Eventually (if you’re thinking about marriage) you’re going to need to be with someone you enjoy being with. In my case, the sex has gotten better and better in my marriage because my wife and I can talk, and we can tell each other what we want, no matter how filthy it is (although the sex was great to begin with). I have so many male friends who are looking, but cannot find a long term relationship. Why: because they can’t get over “the checklist” — is she the right age? does she have nice tits? etc. Get rid of the checklist, or you will end up divorcing someone who is good in bed, but bad at the breakfast table.
03.15.10 at 12:28 pm
hmm.. im fucking my boyfriend 40 per cent of the time we see each other? we´ve been together for 8 months, still going strong.
03.15.10 at 12:41 pm
lolocaust, doomed. But fun while it lasts.
03.15.10 at 12:47 pm
“weiner-mones”
03.15.10 at 12:56 pm
@ifeelya – Totally support your decision BUT considering yous guys are still buddies, I’m curious: is this fact of unattraction (specifically, imbalance of attraction) a stick in his craw? My penis and I conference periodically on this particular hypothetical situation, and every time we conclude that we’d hold that grudge all the way to Calvary, and wouldn’t really feel bad about it either.
03.15.10 at 1:06 pm
I bet the girl in the picture feels really great about herself when she sees this. Have a heart, Barf.
03.15.10 at 1:07 pm
And YEAHRIGHT about hooking up with Matt Dillon. You would pass on Dallas WInston?
03.15.10 at 1:09 pm
Lesley is hot.
03.15.10 at 1:14 pm
I’m with Barf, and the idea of quantifying and subsequently rationalizing the lack of good sex (4%, are you queer?) is sad. The sexual chemistry (or lack thereof) has ripples in every aspect of the relationship and that’s what makes it a relationship and not a friendship.
03.15.10 at 1:23 pm
What this guy describes is not a relationship. It’s just dating and fucking but there’s no love
03.15.10 at 1:32 pm
Toe-walkers are the wooooorst
03.15.10 at 1:35 pm
true story about matt dillon
03.15.10 at 1:44 pm
Do it in the butt. Seriously, if you’re too “bwest fwiends” with your other half, it might either mean you’re a faggot or turning into one. Fuck her in the ass and come on her tits. It’s nice to have comfort and coziness and all that jazz in a relationship, but the basic foundation is sex. What you need is the raw, and that’s all about domination and calling her a bitch during fucking. I sense that you “respect” her so much that you can’t treat her like the whore she can be. This will not hurt her; it’s understood that you’re her boyfriend and you’re not doing this out of meanness, but out of love. I suggest you start by sniffing her ass and blowing a load down her throat. The rest will follow.
03.15.10 at 1:51 pm
big whoop, you’ve basically skipped to being happily married for ten years.
03.15.10 at 1:53 pm
haha word i done this before. i’m kinda shallow so i’m not really worried about my attraction its everyone elses reaction to my attraction is what concerns me. i had this one girl that was like a 6 but god she made my fucking dick hard like she was way past a 10. i couldnt keep my hands off her just something about her got me riled up, but one person told me she was busted and it was never the same :/
03.15.10 at 1:57 pm
why do you type like DMX on dating website, yet think like a pale skinned dweeb who gets people coffee at the Bloomberg building?
03.15.10 at 2:05 pm
With teeth like that she could eat a carrot through the slots in a fence. She looks like Gena Davis in Beatle Juice when she pulls an her face to make herself look like some fucked up crocidle. Is that Stella in a can? It probably doesnt taste as good as the bottles and if you have a girlfreind with a grill like that im sure she could naw those caps off no problem.
03.15.10 at 2:05 pm
@Soo’ Chest – I call internet virgin.
24 hours in a day
4% of 24 = an hour of fucking, daily.
I stand by those figures
03.15.10 at 2:07 pm
@Jimmy – God help me, you made me laugh, specifically at “naw those caps off.” Now I know I’m a bad person. Oh well.
03.15.10 at 2:11 pm
lesley is a cutie
03.15.10 at 2:37 pm
i was in a situation like this once and you know what i did? never started dating in the first place, ya douche!
03.15.10 at 2:38 pm
I’ve been through this. Yeah, it’s shallow, whatever, but we’re humans. Looks count. So does sex, and that 4% counts for a hell of a lot. You need a girl that makes you super-horny or else you’ll eventually cheat on your 5, and if you don’t, you’ll be unhappy. The truth hurts. Just don’t tell her you’re not attracted to her when you finally break up.
03.15.10 at 2:44 pm
hey barf, isn’t there a pragmatic way to look at this? let’s say you’re already nearing 40 and you want to have a family and a boring old comfortable life. Should you spend the rest of your life with a really great person who you get along with and the sex is not so frequent and kind of lame, or just keep trying to find that person who turns you on so much in the sack but not much else? depending on where you are in your life the answer may not be black and white. i was with a great chick who didn’t make me crazy horny with lust and so i dumped her. now i’m just going from one air head to another and can’t follow through with my masterplan which is to settle down and be a boring old norm with kids. by the way i’m a pretty good dude, make a decent living, jewish, in my 30s and don’t look like matt dillon at all (probably more like the nerd with the honker). drop me your digits if interested.
03.15.10 at 2:55 pm
Dump her now and tell her to give you a call when you turn 65. Nevermind, we’ve got Viagra now. Dump her and tell her to go pound sand…for life. Or maybe suggest an open relationship?
03.15.10 at 3:06 pm
laughed my ass off when you called him “a 2″ i love you lesley arf
03.15.10 at 3:13 pm
4% of 24 hours =
4% of 1,440 minutes =
.04 X 1,440 =
57.6 minutes
P.S. “weiner-mones”
03.15.10 at 3:32 pm
Dean- I was in this exact relationship. Finally, I got out of it and found a chick I was attracted to AND got along with. SO GLAD I DID IT. Life’s too short.
03.15.10 at 3:48 pm
This stuff happens and it’s devastating because everyone in the entire world says “Oh, it’s what’s on the inside that counts!”, and meanwhile you’re mentally undressing her friends.
Moral of this story is that people are full of shit.
03.15.10 at 3:54 pm
Yeah, how did this particular picture get chosen? Is it necessary that someone gets thrown under the bus as you share your infinite wisdom (common sense)? You’re potentially doing way more harm than good here.
03.15.10 at 3:58 pm
keep playing it safe you pussy.
03.15.10 at 4:15 pm
If she has rad friends then fuck her friends duhhr
03.15.10 at 4:22 pm
Arfin is an 8.
03.15.10 at 4:23 pm
Wait, whats this guy look like?Cuz u can’t expect what u dont have , i.e : u can’t get get a girl with a flat stomach and straight white teeth and nice clothes if don’t have those things.
03.15.10 at 4:39 pm
Mudbutt…I picture Jessica Biel when I’m up your ass. Every time. She’s more of a man than you’ll ever be.
03.15.10 at 4:55 pm
i find this whole posting quite sad for multiple reasons.
03.15.10 at 5:07 pm
Hahahaha. Who is Professor Mudbutt?? He kinda rules
03.15.10 at 5:08 pm
also: a longterm relationship with someone who seriously rocks your world? never works. the wildest guys are always too sociopathic to consider for a serious relationship. it always comes down to settling for a guy with a hard dick, good technique and penchant for pleasing you. you’ve got to be honest with each other about “exploring other options” if you want to stay together longterm. even the hottest, sexiest guy’s dick and tricks get boring after the first six months.
03.15.10 at 5:13 pm
you know, ive been there, but ive also been in the opposite boat; dating a hot person with *some personality but not on the toe curling, mind fucking level. it sucks either way really. thing is, tits sag, ball sacks eventually sag. at the end of it all, you gotta be able to talk to each other and have fun.
dont believe me? break it off with this bird and fuck everything you can. You will end up hating yourself and girls after subjecting yourself to hours upon hours of vapid, empty interactions and conversations. If this girl really is the shit, then I will guarantee that you will have that moment right after nutting on you new girls tits, you will look down on her and think to yourself “you really are an idiot, nothing you have said has been of any interest to me”
I get where you are coming from, but at the same time you are sounding like a bitch nigga.
You need to make your girl feel sexy and if shes not sexy then you better try to get her to wear some slutty shit for you.
03.15.10 at 6:10 pm
Can she cook good and does she clean the laundry and wash the dishes are the only questions you should be asking yourself?
If so marry that biotch.
Don’t worry about the sex part that’s what infidelity is for.
Women are super smart and in tune with that cheating stuff so you have to be super sneaky or you’ll lose your servant I mean wife.
And don’t knock her up or you’ll be in for a world of misery.
Good luck out there.
03.15.10 at 6:25 pm
if prof. mudbutt isn’t gavin he’s some lame lifting the shit out of his lines like carlos mencia.
03.15.10 at 6:58 pm
The key to a long term relationship (for a man) is to find a woman who is good at, and generous with, blowjobs. You can close your eyes and think of whoever you want to…
Most men have no problem with letting a woman they are not that attracted to such their cock.
03.15.10 at 7:04 pm
@professor mudbutt: that is so not going to work if he’s not “wired to hurt.” she’ll either openly laugh at him or get so pissed he’ll never be able to try anything even halfway filthy again. they need to have an honest talk about an open relationship if they’re planning on being together for the long haul.
03.15.10 at 7:17 pm
Hey, sniffing ass is not a fucking rule to have a boner. This guy can´t even touch her pussy… Of course poop will make him throw up.
03.15.10 at 7:19 pm
Whoa, you had a chance to hook up with Matt Diggitty diggitty Dillon and you passed cause you just weren’t WHAT?!?!?!?!? WHAT BITCH, WHAT? HAVE YOU SEEN THE OUTSIDERS???????? HOLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE SHITBALLS.
03.15.10 at 10:02 pm
Let’s hope Kate has a health scare and Dean is guilted into staying at her bedside for months.
03.15.10 at 10:08 pm
the butt sniffing thing only works if you’re attracted. sniffing an ugly butt is just like sniffing a dog turd. grosses me out more.
03.15.10 at 10:09 pm
I too passed on Matt Dillon yet gave an enthusiastic yes to Seth Rogen. That’s just the way I sexually roll.
03.15.10 at 10:17 pm
About the picture…..if that isn’t his mom, I’m jumping in front of the next colbalt blue Prius I see. Swear on Sophie Mcinnes’ tiny cunt.
03.15.10 at 10:43 pm
if u aint shit bitch imma let you know,
then imma let you go ho,
cuz i dont need ya , take em break em shake em is a pimps procedure,
simps they feed ya, be glad they need ya
03.15.10 at 11:13 pm
What if you do have great sex, but still don’t think she is hot? I been there, it’s a mindfuck.
03.15.10 at 11:41 pm
Hmmm… yeah, I think this dude needs to bring the creativity to at least try to make it hot. He should get her drunk and ask her about her fantasies, then make them happen. Then bring her along into his own. If this works she’ll look a lot hotter by June, when she’s blindfolded with her own underwear in the woods as he rips holes her flimsy slutty dress..
03.16.10 at 12:29 am
If that doesnt work they can go the ‘ just be friends’ route. But at least buy the girl some sex toys and make her use them for you before you decide she’s boring
03.16.10 at 12:30 am
If you ARE attracted to someone, but worried their not “hot enough”, you’re a fucking loser who cares too much about what other people think. Obviously if you’re not attracted to the person, it’s different.
All these demands for 10’s! You mens best be 10’s to make such demands.
03.16.10 at 9:37 am
You thought I was hot?
03.16.10 at 2:23 pm
Lesely Arfin is a 10. No joke. I’d hit it, and eat breakfast – shit I’d make it.
03.16.10 at 6:56 pm
I agree that Lesley is an attractive woman. However, I’m sensing that she rejected Matt Dillon because her ego couldn’t handle being the second best looking person in bed that night or any other night. It’s been known to happen, especially amongst the ladies.
03.16.10 at 7:17 pm
Stay with her. Perfection doesn’t exist. The “total package” will never come along and whoever says that they are with their soul mate is a deluded douche-bag and you should just punch them in the throat.
03.16.10 at 7:31 pm
whatevs, if you arent into having sex with your bf/gf and you dont like that, GET OUUUUUT. i got out of a relationship with my ‘best friend bf’ who i was no longer attracted to, and holy shit am i ever glad. not being attracted to your mate will fuck you both up.
03.16.10 at 8:36 pm
WELL I JUST HAVE TO SAY DAMM I WOULD FUCK LESLEY ARGIN IN ABOUT HALF A SECOND — WITH A BROOM STICK!!! LOL JK ROTFLMFAO!!!!
03.16.10 at 11:34 pm
Wait a minute, this guy doesn’t say anything about sex or lack of sex. I think that they are having sex just fine, but he just doesn’t want to be seen in public with her. I say ditch her, you moron, and then regret it for the rest of your life.
03.17.10 at 1:39 pm
All these people saying “well, eventually sex just isn’t that important, what’s important is love and friendship and being extremely self righteous about inner beauty and blah blah blah”
You can’t get to that “i love you so much we don’t even need sex because you play scrabble so well” point without being attracted to that person in the first few weeks/months/years. Period. If you settle on someone nice who you don’t like, you won’t want to be with them ever.
04.08.10 at 10:49 pm
@Vane$$a-
“I too passed on Matt Dillon yet gave an enthusiastic yes to Seth Rogen. That’s just the way I sexually roll. ”
doesn’t Seth Rogen have a girlfriend?
06.10.10 at 2:58 pm