I live with this girl who is really awesome / cool MOST of the time but when she gets drunk she is really aggressive and violent. Tonight was the second incident of her verbally attacking complete strangers, myself and my other housemates. These attacks are unprovoked and without warning. I feel embarrassed by her actions and apologize to the people she has attacked even though I am not responsible.
I think there are some issues which run a lot deeper than she is letting on. I really want to help her but when she is in this state, she just pushes people away with sarcastic remarks and by constantly repeating herself. The first time it happened she just said she was sooooo wasted and “couldn’t remember anything.” The second incident was tonight when she actually physically attacked someone.
It frustrates the hell out of me because I don’t know why she does this and also because everything she says and does has absolutely no logic to it. Normal people don’t do these things and I really would like to understand and be able to talk to her about it. I’ve witnessed her sister behave the exact same way so I think there may be some family issues.
She has threatened to move out of our house (which we have JUST moved into; we literally signed the lease yesterday) saying she can’t take living with us anymore. I really do care about her and want to have a lasting friendship and try and understand what the problem is but the other half of me just wants to walk away and not have to deal with her problems. I really want to go out and have a good time and meet new people with her but her actions when she’s drinking just make me regret and feel ashamed of being associated with her (which I know is bad). PLUS, she pussy blocked me! I was totally ready to make fake babies with this really cute guy tonight but instead she roundhouse kicked another party guest in the chest forcing me to dial a taxi and leave STAT!
Tell me, should I just not go out with her EVER AGAIN or should I cut all ties and make her my EX-housemate or should I confront her about it and try and help her resolve whatever problems she is dealing with?
Love your biggest fan,
-STAN
Dear Stan,
Why do you want to help her? Actually, scratch that. Yes, of course, you want to help her. How about, why do you think you CAN help her? You kind of can’t. In fact, you would be most helpful to her if you stopped apologizing for her. She “made” you leave a party? Really? She put a gun to your head and made you leave? No, she didn’t. Don’t blame her for your actions. That’s the hard part. Let her toxic actions have their own consequences without your interference (believe me, they will). You are her friend and her roommate, but that doesn’t make her your responsibility. If she yells and people and punches them, then let her lay in that bed. So she doesn’t care about the consequences? OK. What’s it to you?
See what I think is that secretly, you think her actions make YOU look bad. I can definitely relate to that. It’s hard not to make everything about us sometimes, and I don’t mean for that to sound obnoxious. We’re human beings with huge egos. I know it embarrasses me when a friend of mine has a total drunk face-off. In fact, it happened last week. I yelled at her. HER actions made ME feel dumb. But where’s the real logic in that? Your friend is a doing a fine job of fucking things up for herself. Let her run the course she’s supposed to run, and you run yours. If she hurts your feelings or whatever when she’s wasted, let her know, but if she bothers someone else, it’s their job to let her know.
Basically what I’m saying is let her sit in her own shit. Don’t clean it up for her because when you do, she’ll just shit all over herself again. You’ll resent her for your actions, not hers. And how about if you go out with her and she beats someone up? Don’t go out with her again! There’s a cause and effect here that happens as naturally as the wind. Do your best not to intervene.
There is a 12 step group for this too, just so you know it’s not a unique situation. It’s called Alanon.
Hope that helps,
-MARSHALL MATHERS
LesleyArfin.com
CafeconLesley.BlogSpot.com
Send “Ask Barf” letters to SBTVC@StreetCarnage.com
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film her being an asshole and have a movie night with it.
02.16.10 at 10:49 am
Thank you so much for responding as Marshall Mathers.
02.16.10 at 11:15 am
Throw her out and find a roommate who’s not a dipshit. You’ll all be happier. Except her. But that’s what she wants anyway. Thank you, drive through.
02.16.10 at 11:40 am
Is for deluded zelots who want to absolve themselves or responsibility.
02.16.10 at 11:53 am
She probably gets really low blood sugar when she drinks. Not shittin, that’s why some people get all violent and pissy when they drink.
02.16.10 at 12:26 pm
i would say if YOU brought her to the party as a guest, and she fucks shit up there, its YOUR responsibility to clean that shit up / crack her upside the noggin.
another thing is that if you’re living with a dickhead, its your fault. (get in where you fit in)
fin
02.16.10 at 12:42 pm
yes the marshall mathers sign of was the key to this entry
02.16.10 at 12:46 pm
Ditch crazypants. When you are associated with people like this, their stink rubs off on you. Birds of a feather & all that shit…
02.16.10 at 12:53 pm
can i get her number?
02.16.10 at 1:07 pm
STAN,
Is this bitch named Mo by any chance?
02.16.10 at 3:05 pm
i agree with bejeje. and even if you apologize/clean up for her, people will still hate her so she will still be sitting in her own shit, so to speak.
02.16.10 at 4:25 pm
Dude, I totally sympathize. My sister is definitely an alcoholic–not a wake-up-at-10-am-and-chug-a-fifth-of-vodka alcoholic, but a becomes-uncontrollably-aggressive-and-violent-whenever-she-drinks-alcoholic. In fact, just the other night she made a total ass of herself. My boyfriend and I visited her at the house she shares with our brother, her boyfriend, and another housemate, and she drank like, two bottles of wine, physically attacked my boyfriend (punching, kicking, throwing hiking boots at his head) and screamed at him, calling him a fatass (he’s just a little chubby, okay!?), telling him he’s a waste of space, etc, all because he drank a glass of orange juice–which didn’t even belong to her–without asking first. At first I was totally mortified, but then I realized it’s not my fault and it’s not my job to go around apologizing for her and making excused for her. She’s a drunk asshole, and that’s her problem. She has yet to apologize to anyone for her outbursts, and knowing her, I doubt she ever will. Whatever, I know her anger management problems stem from lack of self-esteem and a traumatic high school experience, but she’s fucking thirty years old now and she needs to get over it and stop being a little bitch. Don’t feel accountable for your alcoholic roommate (and rest assured, she is an acoholic. Alcohol addiction isn’t the only kind of alcoholism). When she’s sober perhaps suggest to her, as a concerned friend and roommate, that she should seek help and maybe start going to some meetings, but ultimately it’s her choice. I know she (this goes for my sister too) regrets her actions but is probably too ashamed to apologize or change her behavior. Just let her sit in her own shit. She’ll either come around, die of alcohol poisoning, or piss someone off enough that she gets killed. Either way, one day she’ll stop.
02.16.10 at 4:58 pm
i’m with homeless. film her acting totally crazypants and then show her the video the next day with as many people around as possible. utterly humiliate her, she’ll probably calm down a bit.
02.16.10 at 4:59 pm
Don’t we all know somebody like this? My way of dealing with it is to run for the hills. Don’t hang out with them.
02.16.10 at 9:01 pm
A person who is a total fucking asshole when drunk is also a total fucking asshole when sober. There is no “Oh, sorry…I blacked out.”
“I blacked out” means “I’m an asshole AND a liar AND a coward.”
Trust me…you just haven’t seen this person in full swing yet. Get rid of the bitch now, before you (or a house guest, or someone else you do care about) ends up beating the living shit out of her and spending a night in jail.
02.16.10 at 9:26 pm
Why do people have such a hard time dropping disgusting shitheads from their lives?
02.17.10 at 12:31 am
“if you lie with dogs you get fleas”
“shit sticks”
“if you pick up one end of the stick you pick up the other”
“support becomes enablement”
etc etc
sometimes “helping” fucked up people is more about you feeling good about yourself.
02.17.10 at 4:32 am
Listen to Barf. Bitch knows her shit. For reals.
02.17.10 at 9:25 am
“Let her sit in her own shit. Don’t clean it up for her because when you do, she’ll just shit all over herself again. You’ll resent her for your actions, not hers.”
Best roommate advice I’ve EVER heard. Barf nose.
02.17.10 at 11:59 am