I am writing to you because I have read your advice column and enjoyed it, and the girls I seem to be into are into your book. Ya see, I believe that I am way more into the girl I’m dating than she is into me and it’s making me want to break things off. First, let me say that I think that this girl is amazing. We have really clicked from day one, the attraction is intense and she is actually funny, which is a quality that I find to be sooooo sexy, but it is sooooo rare. I’m 31 now and I’m starting to get to the phase in my life where I’m considering settling down, etc. Problem is, she’s only 23 and just graduated college and has no idea what to do with herself. I’m finding myself increasingly more and more drawn to her, but she seems to be pulling away. Arrrgggh. In addition, she has only MADE OUT WITH with a handful of guys ever so she is quite inexperienced, but that makes our (infrequent) sex seem very special. She also has a lot of trouble with “guy friends” who end up falling for her and she denies them and they blow up with rage. This has actually happened twice since we’ve been seeing each other. The last time, I happened to be there and had to forcibly remove this guy from her party.
Anyway, I’ve been doing my absolute best to be patient and take things slow. I get upset when she often refuses my attempts at hanging out with her but I don’t tell her that it bothers me because I don’t want to scare her off with my emotions. That’s kinda why I’m writing to you instead of her. I’ve found that when I get all emotional on someone, the relationship starts to go downhill. I’ve tried to be really laid-back with the calls and texts as well, even though I find myself constantly staring at my phone to see if she’s texted me. I’m also pretty sure that she’s going through a youthful, fancy-free phase right now and doesn’t want to commit to anything serious. I like this girl so much that I’m actually trying to wait out this phase in hopes that she’ll come around to me when she simmers down a bit, and not completely blow it by freaking out on her. We’re also planning on moving to New York together in February because I got a job with HBO there and she wants to leave our small city and experience the world (I’ve lived there before). The problem is, I’m not sure I can wait ’til then before I completely explode, either getting unjustly mad at her for never letting me know where I stand, or because my feelings are constantly hurt and I lose some self-confidence every time she turns me down or doesn’t respond when I tell her that I’m in love with her. It’s obvious that she likes me to a large extent because she’ll ask me to do things when she wants to, and when we do, they’re amazing, but I really want her to do things when I want to as well.
A huge part of me wants to break things off because I just can’t stand the bruised ego, pain, and longing anymore, but the other part of me is afraid to spoil something with someone who may potentially be the one for me.
Signed,
-BOY OF NEVER KNOWING AND ERSTWHILE RESENTFUL SADNESS
Dear Boy,
Yikes. It has taken me a while to respond to this, and I have no doubt that you’ve probably exploded already (pause), but thank you for writing and think of yourself as a martyr for every other boy who has this problem because believe me, you guys are everywhere. What are you, pussy mogwai? Do you guys multiply in your own teardrops? Relax, I’m kidding. This is for Street Carnage after all, so I have an obnoxious-joke quota to fill.
Now that that’s out of the way, let’s tawlk. First I’ll have you know, Boy, that I have been in your position, but more importantly, I have been in your girlfriend’s position. What you might not be aware of right now is that your girlfriend senses how scared you are of her and it’s only turning her off more. In fact, she’s probably using you to get to NYC and will break up with you 2.9 seconds upon arrival. I’m not trying to me mean or funny here, I’m just giving you the straight talk because you still have a chance. I’m giving you an ass pounding of reality right now because not only will this advice help you now, but it will help you with every future girl you fall for.
What you need to do is get your own fucking life. And honey, get it fast. You will notice that I italicized certain parts of your letter. The non-italicized bits are the ones where you talk about her and the focus is all on her. There are literally four sentences in this two paragraph letter where you’re not talking about her, and one of those sentences is “arrgh” so I’m not sure if that even counts. Dude, you are walking on eggshells around this girl because you don’t want to lose her. Pick up those eggshells, put them in the compost, and start being true to your own damn self. You need to start hanging out with your boys ASAP. You need to play music with them, video games, smoke weed, watch Total Recall, get wasted, make fart jokes — whatever it is you boys do together. That’s number one. Number two is dumping (your emotions on her). If you think she’s being a bitch, if you feel like she’s hurt you in whatever way, you’re fucking allowed to tell her. Hello? Man up. Don’t expect her to do anything about it, but you’re still entitled to your feelings. You’ve been bottling them up because you don’t want to scare her. I think fuck her and save your own ass. You think it’s this chicks fault that you feel insecure but it’s not, it’s yours. You feel like she’s pulling away? Tell her. You feel like you like her too much? Tell her. Tell her your fears and thoughts without whining or blaming or making her feel responsible. I already don’t like this girl and am pretty certain you guys are gonna break up, but in her defense, she is begging you to be confident and man up. If she doesn’t want to hang out with you and that makes you feel angry, then be angry! There’s nothing worse than a dude who is scared of his emotions. I’ve gone out with guys who’ve put me on a pedestal like this before and guess what? It’s fucking unfair. You worship this chick like she’s better than you and she’s not. It’s an unfair amount of pressure to put on someone. It’s making her responsible for how you feel. It’s not her responsibility, it’s yours.
I hope you understand what I’m saying here. I feel like maybe I’m over complicating it because I have this push / pull thing with my boyfriend too. When I feel like I am too dependent on him to make me feel good, that’s when I start doing my own fun things. And what happens after that? He sees how much fun I’m having, and he wants in. And I let him in because he’s a darn knucklehead.
Cringefactoring in 2010,
-LESLEY ARFIN
lesleyarfin.com
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nicely put, les. no girl enjoys being a walking zooey deschanel movie past the 2nd or 3rd date.
01.11.10 at 12:13 pm
It’s time to escape.
01.11.10 at 12:24 pm
She’s just not that into you. Let it go.
01.11.10 at 12:31 pm
23 YEAR OLD VIRGIN!!! ouch.
01.11.10 at 12:32 pm
Get her name tattooed on yourself and then cry. Self doubt is disgusting, stop being disgusting.
01.11.10 at 12:39 pm
Fuck me in the anus.
01.11.10 at 12:53 pm
rape her with love. she’ll be yours forever
01.11.10 at 1:06 pm
be like the fonz
01.11.10 at 1:08 pm
she knows exactly what she’s doing: playin’ you.
01.11.10 at 1:38 pm
Dear Barf-
What’s the best way to clean my glasses?
Vane$$a
01.11.10 at 2:00 pm
“She also has a lot of trouble with “guy friends” who end up falling for her and she denies them and they blow up with rage.”
GET OUT NOW!!!
01.11.10 at 2:03 pm
haha shes using your ticket to ny to ‘experience the world’ on your money and she doesnt mean the world she means other guys cocks while youre out at work
01.11.10 at 2:05 pm
[...] i was so exhausted yesterday by it i couldn’t keep my eyes open passed 7 o’clock. this letter/reply is what partially inspired this blog vomit. i have more to say on it but just hit an exhaustion [...]
01.11.10 at 2:08 pm
Good advice, Barf.
TELL HER EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL. Without the insanity, rage, and insecurity. Then you’re in control. I’ve been in your position and it wasn’t pretty; I took long walks in the rain while listening to Sally Shapiro and feeling sorry for myself (I know).
Then I stopped being a pussy hole and told her how I felt. It worked. And if it doesn’t work for you, it’s not meant to be. simple as that.
01.11.10 at 2:16 pm
Yo Barf,
I had dis guy wif a bangin peanis. Nows I gots a wierd blistah on mah junk.
01.11.10 at 2:20 pm
Um guess what time it is?
Time for you to put your big boy underpants on & be a man.
Fuck all the “tell her how you feel” emo bullshit…she knows exactly what shes doing to you she not retarded & shes probably having a laugh behind your back with all these problematic “guy friends”
DUMP HER!
Go to NY and shop around for a new GF & don’t stop until you find one that works for you rather then trying to change someone to fit the bill…Oh and try not to enter this relationship like a bitch.
01.11.10 at 3:35 pm
I knew a few couples in NY who had moved there together from small towns. Guess how long they lasted together in the “Big City”? About a week. Maybe. Dump her, move to NY, figure out how to stop being a pussy, and then have your pick of one of the thousands of available girls in town. And if you’re looking to “settle down”, then stay away from the ones who are under 25. Duh.
01.11.10 at 3:41 pm
damn fine advice les
01.11.10 at 4:16 pm
this was really good advice.
my other advice would be listen to lots of snoop dogg, like 24/7 whether you like his music or not. its like chicken soup for your balls.
01.11.10 at 4:30 pm
i think this guy answered his own problem. he says her ‘guy friends’ explode in frustration and then he talks about how he feels he’s about to explode. the girl’s having fun, which is her right, but come on guy–get oot before it’s too loo late.
01.11.10 at 4:33 pm
“You can act like a man!”
01.11.10 at 5:00 pm
this trick is playing you man. you gotta be like, “yeah, i’m going to new york alone” and see if she’s all like, “but baby, come on baby, i need you baby!” play it cool. be like, “psht! bitch please! you’re crying on my loafers!”
you need this girl like you need to listen to another elliot smith song alone in the dark… crying.
les is right. you gotta fucking take control of your life man. you can’t throw an empty beer can without hitting chicks like that in new york. it’s fucking NEW YORK for christsake! the streets practically bleed funny hot chicks.
01.11.10 at 6:03 pm
I’m going to respond in a similar fashion as everyone else. quit suckin’ the big one, man up, steal some of her stuff, misplace her nail clippers, eat her food and leave it out, don’t refill the toilet paper, plug her toilet, wear dirty shoes in the house, and then dump her.
01.11.10 at 6:39 pm
If you’re 31 and you need a website to tell you to man up, it’s time to reconsider a lot of things.
01.11.10 at 6:55 pm
i miss your mom. tell her hi from me.
01.11.10 at 6:55 pm
Nice Total Recall ref. Funny cause true.
01.11.10 at 6:59 pm
suck a dude’s cock and see if it makes her jealous. if it does she’s a faggot lover so fuck the bitch, if it doesn’t she’s just not that into your wang.
01.11.10 at 7:35 pm
Dude, your story sounds like it could’ve been written by me a few years ago.
The big, bad sign as I see it is the fact that guy friends are repeated falling for her. You might be writing this off as not her fault, just happening because she’s attractive, etc., but it’s more likely indicative of her attitude of not wanting to be tied down (or, more accurately, indecisiveness in that regard).
The fact is, you don’t know how she acts around them when you’re not around. I’m not saying she’s cheating on you, or even being intentionally flirtatious with anyone. But the key word there is “intentionally.” Guy friends falling for you isn’t just something that happens over and over again with someone who is content with the idea of being 100% committed to someone. She’s a 23 year old girl, probably partying and drinking a bit, and obviously around a bunch of horny dudes who are probably partying and drinking as well. Even her briefly touching a dude’s shoulder or knee is going to be interpreted as an advance.
That’s obviously just an example, but it could stand in for any number of things that are going on. Are those things acceptable for someone in a committed relationship? No. People in committed relationships are slightly more standoffish with things like that. That’s why it’s easy to tell when people are single in bars. Are they acceptable for a still-quite-young college grad with no definite future plans and an only slightly-more-than-casual relationship? Yes.
SO, all that said, you obviously don’t like this shit, right? Tell her.
My major revelation (which has since made everything in dating a WHOLE lot better, in almost every sense) is that girls don’t want to be treated in the same way that you want to be treated. That’s Barf’s answer, yes, but let me take it a step further: It’s hard to get out of that mindset when you’re intimate with someone, preferring to think of each other as equals, perfectly matched. It’s an illusion, and while it’s easier to process, that’s not the way we, as two distinct genders, are wired to work. Don’t just get drunk with your dude friends; act like you’d expect a man to act towards a woman in, say, a badass old ’60s film (minus any physical/mental abuse, of course). Tell her she can’t fucking get touchy with her dude friends, and let yourself get sort of pissed about it. Either she’ll find it flattering and attractive, or she’ll leave you, in which case, given what she’d be arguing against, you’re better off. Gender roles have their place. You need to assume at least some parts of the male roles. Just don’t be a dick.
01.11.10 at 8:21 pm
loved this barf. i mean, i loved this….Barf, thanks. yeah, dude is screwed. and yes these are true facts:
couples that move to nyc together will break up, 100%
and hot funny girls are all over the joint.
01.11.10 at 8:23 pm
Oh, and P.S. I found myself in your exact situation years back with the person who is now my wife and best friend. Chin up. Just because it’s messy and you’re unhappy now doesn’t mean it’s doomed.
01.11.10 at 8:24 pm
Play more Call Of Duty.
Nothing distracts from women better than the simulated act of eviscerating your peers and earning XP points.
Or join the army.
Join the army.
01.11.10 at 10:23 pm
If you have to write letters to advice columnists before the relationship has even begun, then you’re fucked.
Every good relationship has to have a grace period of at least six-months where you can do no wrong. After a while, of course your partner is going to start being a pain in the ass. But if the beginning is this much work, what is going to happen when the honeymoon ends?
01.11.10 at 11:07 pm
You are lucky that so many dudes who take the time to comment on dating advice stories have been in your shoes…
if she makes other dudes look like chumps, she will make you the ULTIMATE chump when your relationship ends (unless you end it nicely first). She can’t help it. She sounds like she has tons of game and “doesn’t know it.” ha. All girls know how much they affect men, those who say they don’t are lying to themselves cuz they’re insecure and that means (and times two if she’s 23) they have to be out there manifesting their hotness. And you don’t like that?
Just learn to be like Humphrey Bogart and learn not to be like Jason Schwartzman. that way, when this girl is twenty eight and calls you crying because she realized she loves you and by the way she caught herpes from some banker or singer/songwriter or some other type that it would piss you off that they gave your girl herpes, then you will be a big enough man to happily eat that once-clean pussy and share the herpes with her and live happily ever after having great married sex without getting your feelings hurt.
and don’t be a dick, or she’ll cut you!
01.11.10 at 11:56 pm
thanks for adding that p.s., JJ. that first comment of yours was waaaay too short. yeah? uh-huh?
p.p.s. the only way i’d dildo fuck you is with a ball-gag in that yappy mouth of yours.
01.12.10 at 12:34 am
awesome advice.
yeah it does sound like she’s def using you to get to ny. she’ll probably stay with you a while…a year or so…then move in with another dude.
if you want to keep this girl. break up with her. she thinks she runs shit. pull the rug out. if she cares about you…she’ll start working for it…
01.12.10 at 1:42 pm
I wonder what happened to him.
Totally agree on them breaking up if they move to NYC.
01.12.10 at 3:03 pm
who the hell asked JJ? too long, didnt read
01.12.10 at 10:29 pm
Christ this was long. If you have to ask, you teary twat, then, yes, you should leave her.
There, I just saved everyone from having to read 2400 words of MySpace drama.
01.13.10 at 11:33 am
Kill her and move on.
01.13.10 at 2:16 pm