I’m 23 years old and I’ve been in a relationship with the same guy for three years. I love him, but I also feel like I would be doing a lot more with my life if I were independent. In fact, I honestly think this relationship is actually inhibiting my growth as a person because he does so much for me. I also don’t really hang out with anyone but him and when i do hang out with people it’s with him by my side, and only after a few drinks because i’m socially anxious and awkward. I feel like the only way I will grow as a person, get over my social anxieties and find my own path would be if I move on. I’ve also never had an orgasm and my boyfriend and I have pretty much stopped having sex due to the fact that we work together and spend so much time together (i think)…I feel like this is only going nowhere and I am lusting after something new. However I do love the guy and he treats me really, really well. What do you think I should do?
Sincerely,
torn
Dear Torn,
I know it’s really hard, but I think you know what you want to do. These feelings you have are only going to get stronger, and you’ll know when it’s time to break up. It sounds like you’re just about to round the corner. You’re only 23! You have so many other dudes to slave around! Other guys will be nice and care for you and love you, trust me, he’s not the last one. You don’t have to break up with him today, but just reading this gets me excited for the life you get to have on your own. It’s okay to be scared about not knowing what’s gonna happen. In fact, the scary part is the fun part. It’s knowing exactly how things are going to play out that makes life unbearable. Everyone is socially awkward before they have a few drinks. That uncomfortable feeling lasts about 30 minutes and then you’re gold. Face the fear and get on with it. Revisit this letter in a year and then send me an email thanking me. In the meantime, you’re welcome.
xx
Lesley
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STREET BONER 1127
Being straight edge as a kid is a great way to rebel against: puking, getting pregnant, and wrapping your parent’s car around a tree.
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why do i read this?
06.22.09 at 11:12 am
C’mon BARF. If the question is boring you gotta provide a really entertaining response otherwise the whole thing is boring. Also you failed to mention the following;
A guy’s libido isl like a hungry pig. If you put anything remotely edible in front of them, they will eat it. If he’s not fucking you anymore, that means he doesn’t want to fuck you anymore. Believe me your lack of orgasm is not going to stop him from fucking you. He might feel bad about it if he’s a decent guy at all, but he’s gonna keep fucking you if you let him even if you’re not enjoying it.
06.22.09 at 11:42 am
Ask Barf is one of my top favorite “columns” on streetcarnage. Lesley is always so on point. So yeah, it could be a little funnier or whatever, but on a site thats ALL funny or at least trying really hard to be sooo funny (ahem, open mic) its kind of nice to have some sincere shit every so often.
06.22.09 at 11:49 am
sincere does not have to be opposed to funny…
06.22.09 at 12:20 pm
or interesting.
06.22.09 at 12:21 pm
At 23 you should be having sex once every 24 hours. It’s ok to be shy, but you could be having way more sex.
06.22.09 at 12:43 pm
The only difference between friends and lovers is sex, so you are really only friends with him right now.
06.22.09 at 1:09 pm
great response – one of the best ive read so far – dont buy into everyone wanting this to be ’savage love’ – sincere occasionally is a welcome departure.
06.22.09 at 2:00 pm
if he doesn’t want to fuck you now, he never will again. its a wrap. get out and find a new man.
06.22.09 at 2:03 pm
” i could be doing a lot more with my life if i were independent” EXCUSES. bitch, u gonna never do shit with your life n u know it, quit blaming people.
06.22.09 at 3:33 pm
Wow you two must be the whitest people in the world. Please stay together, because in this world of interracial sex and all kinds of mullatos running around, you are the only hope left. Just wave Jesus in his face and scare the gay right out of him, then have as many children as you can. Racial pride really gives your life a whole new meaning, so don’t worry about those feelings of underachievement, and orgasms are overrated anyway.
06.22.09 at 4:05 pm
For the love of god can we give Richard Nixon a freaking point counterpoint column with barf?
06.22.09 at 5:19 pm
The conversations will be so fun at work after you break up.
06.22.09 at 5:24 pm
I read it cause I love her (barf, not the loser)
06.22.09 at 6:24 pm
well fucking done, lady.
advice lady arfin, you have come a long way. whatever you’ve been doing lately its working.
nice one.
06.22.09 at 9:52 pm
Did you ask him why he’s not having sex? I think you’d expect him to do the same for you. Also are you expecting him to be the only one that initiates sex, take turns on that, it can help break you both out of the “sex is a chore” rut.
06.23.09 at 12:24 am
lesley you rule!
06.23.09 at 10:19 am
if you don’t have sex at 23 i don’t know… not good
06.24.09 at 12:18 pm
i am so in love with lesley arfin.
NOBODY not NO ONE, has better perspective and style to convey it.
06.27.09 at 9:46 pm
you don’t love him. plain and simple. if you did, you wouldn’t even be thinking of leaving. so the best thing to do would be to pack your bags and go.
07.08.09 at 5:35 pm
Majority of the people commenting on this are fucking pricks!!! You think you can say anything you want because you’re hiding behind a screen. You seem to have NO compassion for other people, probably because you have no confidence in yourself. This girl just wanted some advice and you’re all acting like complete assholes! (thank you Lesley, great advice.)
I LOVE YOU TORN! Life is confusing and you’ll figure it out. Just take your time.
To the rest of you…rot in hell…
07.11.09 at 1:56 pm
I was recently experiencing something similar with my boyfriend of 5 years, and this column is actually what motivated me to do what I knew deep down what I needed to do for a very long time.
12.10.09 at 1:29 pm