For the past year, this girl (I’ll call her “Cody”) that I knew from 2004 and I have been hanging out regularly, rekindling our friendship. First we would just chill, then hang out, then I’d sleepover her house, etc. Things were really great and if I had to nominate someone for a best friend, it’d be her — but I don’t believe in best friends. Usually, we’d smoke weed, watch Liam Lynch’s podcast, and just dick around because we had no real obligations. It was absolutely the best.
Then, around September 2009, Cody was crushing on this guy (I’ll call him “Austin”) and I was really happy for her. I know some other girls would be jealous but I oddly enough, I was rooting for her. Similar to Rayanne when Angela was first crushing on Jordan Catalano (me being Rayanne, her being Angela).
But Austin is no Jordan Catalano. He always finds the need to talk to me or express his views and I couldn’t care less. And even though I have nothing against him, we aren’t friends … so IDGAF about his views on pop culture, what his job is like, how uncomfortable he feels watching Oxygen, or anything else under the sun. He’s also very critical of things he doesn’t understand.
The worst is when he asks about inside jokes between me and Cody. When they are snuggling and kissing and talking tweespeak to each other, I don’t crawl up between them, so I feel like he should cut it out. They aren’t even rude, excluding inside jokes. He mumbles stuff under his breath or makes rude to comments to me, as if I’m not observant or sharp enough to realize what’s going on. He even pranked called my phone from her phone (real mature) and was wasting my minutes on stupid banter (I’m black, so any talk of “wasting minutes” is purely perfunctory).
Lately, I find myself being the third wheel when they get all romo-homo. I understand the need for a new couple’s romo-homo activity and to avoid feeling uncomfortable, I ask Cody if she wants to hang out sans Austin on occasion. I’ll even straight up text her “Is your boyf there?” It’s not because I want him outta the picture. I just want Cody-time, too. I’m in school now so that leaves even less time for us. They even broke up for a little bit and I had to hear all the details about it … on top of all the details she gives me about what he says, what he does, what their sex life is like, what it will be like when they have kids, when she has to get her IUD taken out, and even how her ass hurts because of some furious anal sex — most of which goes beyond normal chickbanter and is just like vulgar.
How do I tell her how I feel without coming off as a some hating-ass, jealous, clingy bitch? Moreover, what happened to “sisters before misters”, or even “chicks before dicks?”
Thanks!
-MELLSZ BELLSZ
Dear Mellsz Bellsz,
First, why won’t you call this girl your BFF? I find it interesting how you chose to mention that, almost as if you were defending your vulnerability like, “Well, I don’t like her THAT much.” Maybe first admit that this girl IS your fucking BFF and just perchance you feel … oh I don’t know, let’s say … PEANUT BUTTER AND JEALOUSY?!
Of course you feel jealous! This d-bag just totally friend-raped you and that’s not fair. One thing I’ve realized lately is that not only do I not like 99% of my friends’ boyfriends / girlfriends / husbands / wives, but — here’s a shocker — they probably don’t like mine either! It’s not personally against me and maybe it’s not true in all cases or changes on a weekly basis, but it’s common courtesy to know that there are certain places where your partner is expected to show up and certain places where they are not. If I go to hang out at Chrissie’s on a random night, chances are I’m not bringing Machine. Have I in the past? Sure, and it’s fine on occasion, but I’m going there for bro time with my homies, not snuggle time with Machine.
People learn this by trial and error. There’s no big talk you can have (that’s kinda weird, I think), but there are hints that you can give that hopefully she will be able to pick up. Like if she invites you over and says he’s there, it’s OK not to go. If she says “I feel like you don’t like Austin,” you can say, “I do, I just miss having one-on-one Cody-time.” Stress how much you enjoy HER because nothing gets a point across like massaging and stroking someone else’s ego. They will really hear you if you stress how much you love THEM as opposed to the more negative, how much you dislike HIM. Also consider that you may be a closeted lesbo who is secretly in love with your BFF.
Don’t worry, the honeymoon will die out soon and she’ll be knocking on your door again for a hang sesh. In the meantime, don’t be so anti-friendship. I’ll be your homie.
xo
-BARF
LesleyArfin.com
CafeconLesley.BlogSpot.com
Send “Ask Barf” letters to SBTVC@StreetCarnage.com
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this dude is trying to nail a threesome.
03.01.10 at 11:05 am
furious anal sex
03.01.10 at 11:34 am
jeez white ppl will do anything 2 get a black friend…
03.01.10 at 11:48 am
“(I’m black, so any talk of “wasting minutes” is purely perfunctory.)”
What does this mean??
03.01.10 at 12:38 pm
Having to hear about someones relationship drama is the WORST!
Send her a bill for how ever many hours you had to spend listening to that mess.
03.01.10 at 3:31 pm
What happened to “chicks before dicks” is the exact same thing that happened to “Bros before hos”. It’s complete, utterly meaningless. Clearly she likes this dude, this dude sounds like he’s trying to make friends with you and you’re giving him the cold shoulder cause he’s taking away your bestie time(you ridiculous faggot) and, eventually, he just thought you were kind of a bitch and decided to let it go.
03.01.10 at 4:08 pm
only lonely dudes bring up the “bros before hos” shit. get your dick wet.
03.01.10 at 4:36 pm
Girls are so possessive. And what’s with constantly ranking friendships?
03.01.10 at 6:06 pm
super broker: “(I’m black, so any talk of “wasting minutes” is purely perfunctory.)” means boost mobile.
03.01.10 at 6:31 pm
“purely perfunctory” means “I am black so I feel the need to overcompensate by using a word people have to look up. In this context it also means DAMN DAT BITCH BE USIN MY AIR TIME BUT COZ IM BLAK I AWREADY HOOKED ME UP A GOOD ASS MONTHLY PLAN aka fuck yall white niggaz
03.01.10 at 7:05 pm
lesley, you dating machine from team facelift????
03.01.10 at 7:18 pm
i’m black and i had to look up perfunctory…that’s what unlimited texts are for…but yea, it sucks having a friend with a bf you think is a tool…so go out and find your own
03.01.10 at 9:12 pm
btw-i’m not referring to any particular person as a smelly shit
03.01.10 at 9:13 pm
I’m surprised no one has asked the obvs: is the girl who wrote this letter fat, ugly, annoying, buzzkilling, cock-blocking bag of dicks? Methinks yes. I doubt there would be any issue here at all if she was getting some deep dicking herself. Plus, the dude sounds like he’s kind of being nice to her, and is interested in his gf’s friendships… I guess that makes him a dick. I wonder what she’d write about if he totally ignored her and never said shit to her? What a fucking baby.
03.01.10 at 9:43 pm
Like the spade of burnt toast.
03.02.10 at 12:28 am
‘Things were really great and if I had to nominate someone for a best friend, it’d be her — but I don’t believe in best friends’
Girls suck.
03.02.10 at 6:25 am