Your ebay terminology is all over the place. It’s rusty, Russ; You sound like my mother-in-law. Getcha shit straight son, witchya John McCain ass, talkin bout how you use the Google and shit.

Now, my real answer is this: Money completely aside, I still wouldn’t do it. The fact is, I have taken an oath to the woman I married, and the mother of my chhaaa ahaahaha ahahahaha ahhahaha sorry couldn’t even finish that sentence with a straight face.

Money completely aside, I still wouldn’t do it for the following reason: As someone who REGULARLY REQUIRES pr0n featuring girls between the ages of 18-22 (heretofore referred to as “TEENS”) in order to achieve and maintain an erection, I’m certainly no stranger to the benefits of supple, nubile breasts – bright, unfoccussed eyes – strawberry lip balm – and sick fucking gooky back-tatoos.

However, as far as ACTUAL VIRGINS go, it can only ever be a fantasy. How the fuck do I know? Alright smartass:

When I was a hot african american chocolate diggable planets stud with big gay pants – back in about 1997 – and when my kids were still safely tucked away in my ballsac – I lived in Berkeley fucking California and pwned the planet. Every girl in the world wanted to fuck me. I used to ride the BART to work every day and pass little notes to hot white chicks. With this system, I had a LITERAL FUCKING conversion rate record of about 50% – I’m saying that 50% of the notes I handed out led to me having some kind of orgasm. (hand/blow/foot job, vaggy/anal sex) Believe it: I made fucking ricky roma look like jack lemmon. I was a fucking closer.

Anyway, one time I gave my number to this little white girl. God sunny jesus she was a peach. Little snowboarder wannabe, all tiny, blond, summer before college, little plastic bracelets and hello kitty watch, god damn I’m gettin a semi just thinkin about her. She was so perfectly ripe and pure – having a nigger’s phone number even HANDED to her probably made her father, WHEREVER he was at that moment, sit up in horror like obi won on Alderon’s 9/11.

She called me. She had LITERALLY turned 18 in the days between my handing her the number and us hooking up. Good thing because believe it or not, even in those crazy days, I would NEVER hook it with anyone under 18 – something about being a black man – if she freaked and blew the whistle once she saw my giant eel, I’d still be in prison making the 4-legged black monster with rapists and tax-evaders.

Anyway, she called. I had her over to my little shitty place, and cooked her an Itallian meal. Made her feel like a grownup. Check this out baby: I’m allowed to use the stove! We had a fantastic Papardelle with Crayfish, Artichoke hearts and Lemon Basil motzerell, and she washed it down with my semen. She blew me and I shot it VERY FUCKING HARD down her throat. She tried to swallow it all but couldn’t. It was literally everyone’s billion-year fantasy come true. It was perfect, and I should have called it quits right there.

Instead, she started to fall in love with me. (who wouldn’t, right ma?) She said, “I’m a virgin, and I need you to be the one.”

I said “NO no no no no no no no no no Katie; you’re a nice girl. Go to college, get a boyfriend, have him be the one. You don’t want me to be the one – trust me – I’m a dick, I’m not down for a relationship, I’m just having fun with you, yaknow? You’re going away to college, and either way, trust me I’ve done this before– you’re gonna start hating me within 3 weeks from this moment. I do not want you to think of me for the rest of your life and be like “I shouldn’t have lost it to that asshole” etc.”

Of course, this insane, unprecedented honesty only made her want to fuck me 1000x more.

I turned her down, but it was easy then, because she had just sucked the poison thought-chemical out of my balls like a frontways vanilla enema. Before long though, that shit recharged, and this tiny 18 year old white girl was beggin me to fuck her every night; What I’m gonna do?

So one weekend, her parents were away in Tahoe. She invited me to her house up in the Berkeley Hills– She was a rich girl. Amazing 15 room oak mansion overlooking the whole bay area. We went into her room, and she goes to her little one-piece frye electronics stereo and literally puts on George Michael’s “I Want Your Sex.” She was a TEEN.

We had to take the stuffed animals off of her bed. It was the fantasy. Please god let my daughter grow up to be a big hairy dyke.

We kissed, I went down on her, made her cum hard, and then slowly tried to enter her. I got about as far as half of the purple head.

OWFUCK OWOWOWOWOWOWOW STOP! OW STOP ok?

Ok! Let’s stop – seriously Katie – this is a shitty idea, let’s stop, ok?

no, no no – we have to keep going, I can do this.

omfg. ok. I wished at that moment that I was cleaning toilets at a Burger King.

I put it in up to about 3/4 of the head.

OH FUCK NO OWWWW OWWWWW blognigger it kills stop i have to stop.

ok ok ok – let’s stop – lets just

ok, try again…

what the FUCK??

…and so on and so on. It fucking KILLED her, it took literally 20 minutes until I was inside of her, with me begging her to let me stop, and her pleading with me to keep going, like I was sawing off her leg to free her from a bear trap while a train was coming. IT KILLS; keep going!!!

I could feel her tearing, and she was yelling, and I just remember thinking about TEEN pr0n and being like – what a load of cockin BULLSHIT. This isn’t sexy, this SUCKS. Burger King shitters; Bring it.

After about 30 mins of broken, stop-and-go surgical torture – finally all at once, it got reeeally easy to go in and out of her – she started almost laughing with excitement because she was finally really having sex – and it was extremely slippery and wet – soaking wet! Everything soaked…and so slippery…and finally I came.

We rolled over and we looked at each other and she was smiling. I looked down. We were both COVERED in fucking blood like we were OJ and Nicole. She looked like Carrie. I literally almost puked, DRENCHED in her blood in 1997 in the san francisco bay area.

It took months to recover and start peeping teen pr0ns again son – I was on the MILFs hiatus for sure – oh snap that’s how I got introduced to that 30-something genre in the first place. Teens were on STRIKE kid. And I’ll never be truly over it. Some gave all, all gave
some; part of me died that night. Like the holocaust, Ma; never again.

See that – one man gathers what another man spills, Russ. I’d rather clean BK toilets, and this nigga payin 250 grand for it. $250,000?? When was the bid placed tho? I wonder if that nigga still have two-fiddy to blow after the wall street hubub? Can he retract that shit Rusty? Retracto-bid, Russ? Oh well, not your problem. Natalie, specify payment_type=paypal in the item description; You don’t wanna wake up bleeding and find out you just traded your Hyman for Lehman stock.

Well, when guys pay for virgins – whether it’s $250,000 or $500 for the economy package, one thing is for sure: they haven’t fucked a virgin since high-school. They’re paying for the fantasy, but they’re in for a shock when they experience the tearing bleeding reality.