Shit; this reminds me of the time I tried to explain the Bloomberg Term Limits controversy to an Indian software engineer.
For the life of him, my Indian friend couldn’t figure out why everyone was getting so upset over the mayor’s crusade to scrap Term Limits and run for office a third time:
“He doesn’t become mayor, right Mr. Ben?”
“Well, that’s the thing, Satish – he would become mayor again – if the people elected him.”
“Yes, if he gets the vote… so, the people have to vote for him – he cannot become mayor automatically.”
“Not automatically, no – the people have to vote him into office again.”
“HAHAHA,” the Indian checkmated, “So why anyone get upset about term limit!? If they don’t want him mayor, don’t vote him mayor! If the people don’t want him, he will lose.”
Oh Satish, you silly little mongoose.
“I see your point Satish – but you have to understand our history: America was essentially founded as a rejection of the concept of Royalty. The founding fathers were very careful to make sure that no one person could rule for so long that they’d start to resemble a king.”
“But you do not VOTE for Kings!”
“How ’bout some NyQuil, Satish?”
FUCK; the little bastard had a point. If people are free to vote for whoever they want, then what the fuck is so important about Term Limits? Why shouldn’t it all just be up to the people?
See, ya think you understand something, but then you try to explain it to a child or an Indian and you realize that you don’t know shit.
Well it’s happening again:
Instead of giving raises or bonuses at Christmas, my company shows its annual gratitude by forcing its employees to spend even more time locked in a room together.
This year though, the economy being what it is, my company cancelled our Christmas Party / Bonus and instead treated us to a mandatory trip to the cinema. (Popcorn and concessions not included.)
The cash value of this bonus would have come out to just under 10 dollars per employee, but my bosses went the extra mile: they sent us to a $17.50-per-ticket IMAX 3D showing of James Cameron’s Avatar.
Did you see it?
Ok, so then you know it’s pretty hard not to enjoy it, even if you’re a dick like me. It’s Huge: Immersive, technically unprecedented, blah blah blah.
Avatar is so entertaining, in fact, that I was even willing to look past the cheesy, preachy, political ass-shit that James Cameron stuffed into it: In particular, the nauseatingly transparent allegory to the USA’s War on Terror®.
The script is about as subtle as brain cancer, even going so far as to have the American Redneck Bad Guys use George Bush’s copyrighted terms SHOCK AND AWE™ and PRE-EMPTIVE WAR™ – a helpful artistic choice, in case you were watching the movie with Terry Schiavo and she was unable to pick up on the metaphor just by the presence of bloodthirsty American Soldiers indiscriminately pumping religious shit full of lead.
To drive his point home, the movie ends with the religious god-loving natives kicking America’s ass. The swarthies defeat a technologically and militarily superior power with twigs and arrows and shit because god is on their side.
Cheesy, but like I said, I can look past it – ya don’t go see a Hollywood blockbuster for subtlety, amirite?
So after the movie ends, my colleagues and I are standing around stretching awkwardly, trying to yawn off the two hours and forty minutes of sitting on our asses.
While we’re hanging around pontificating, I notice Satish and his homies standing nearby, looking at me funny. Say what you want, but if you’ve worked with large groups of FOB Indians, you’ll know that they eat by themselves, keep to themselves, and would never want to bother a white guy while he’s talking with a group of other white guys.
I approach them.
“Yoooo, what’s up fellas,” I ask, “how’d you like it?”
“Wow” – “oh yes” – “amazing,” etc.
Then their leader Satish says, “Wow, Ben – wow. America is crazy.”
There’s some nervous laughter from his crew.
“Yes,” I say, “yes it is. What makes you say that?”
“In India,” he replies, “no one would ever make movie like this.”
“Well yeah, it cost hundreds of millions of dollars,” I say, “and it’s really the first of its kind – that’s the whole point of all the hype, you know?”
But he wasn’t talking about technology. Satish and his posse had outdone Terry Schiavo, and had picked up on the politics.
“USA is at a war. I don’t think it’s good, you know? People die in the war as soldiers, and then the people at home makes movies making them shame.”
One of the other Indians says something to him in Hindi.
“Yes,” adds Satish, “and that god is love the enemy.”
Their heads really do bop from left to right when they talk.
“I see your point Satish – but you have to understand our history.”
I try to explain to him why freedom of speech is so important – why you can’t prevent people from writing books or making movies about anything they want, even in a time of war.
“Yes, but this will hurt your soldiers. It’s most popular movie in the world. And it says ‘God is fight against America.’ It’s not the right thing.”
Oh Satish, you silly little mongoose.
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I cannot believe Mr.Ben that you write about me on this fag man blog. I never say such things to you about movie. I say to you that movie is bullshit wrapped in 3d that dazzles but never engages. If they 3d up tom cruise in last samurai you have the same shitty crap fest that is avatar. See you at cooler of water.
01.06.10 at 12:21 pm
Nick Thorburn (Islands / Unicorns)
01.06.10 at 12:25 pm
Satish is my cussion from MOngol!
From PReck!
01.06.10 at 12:40 pm
I agree with the indian. Cameron’s a commie traitor
01.06.10 at 12:42 pm
this fake blognigger sometimes makes me feel like i’m on the j peterman reality bus tour, but this was good.
01.06.10 at 1:21 pm
Damn good piece.
If the War on Terror were up to your noble Indian friends were in charge of this war we’d have a shot.
Instead the delicate kid gloved bitches are in charge. We’re fucking done for.
01.06.10 at 1:42 pm
great title and image ftw
#i-see-what-you-did-there
01.06.10 at 1:48 pm
nick island as from diamonds
01.06.10 at 2:53 pm
this movie annoyed me very much and it made me feel almost bad for cameron. what a fucking moron. I figured after titanic he couldn’t go any lower and… badaboum : avatar. that’s just sad.
Some french author called it “the tyranny of repentance”. we experienced that with northern africa here : “oooh poor them, allah wakbarbarians, such a shame…”
I just wished he had at least tried to choose between the tribes (are they natives, sand people, blax, amazonian ??? i don’t get it!), it makes the movie even more insulting to “the victims of america”, it says something like… “well, they are all the same, aren’t they?”
01.06.10 at 2:53 pm
a) avatar was dope. if you disagree, shut up forever.
b) war on terror? it was also just as easily about pretty much any act of empirialism from ancient rome to the british empire to the european discovery of america to modern-day skirmishes.
y’all can’t see the forest for the trees.
01.06.10 at 3:11 pm
Hey seriously now:
What about the terms “Shock an Awe” an the other one that the guy points out. That’s pretty damn specific to the war on terror.
01.06.10 at 3:25 pm
west is the best, bitches
01.06.10 at 3:36 pm
“Their heads really do bop from left to right when they talk.”
I died. this movie ruled, but only if the sexy blue cat people had sex in it. THAT would have ruled even more. A+ BENJI!!
01.06.10 at 4:02 pm
Agree, Avatar was fuckingamazing. Props for not just caving to hipsters by pretending to be too cool for it.
01.06.10 at 4:52 pm
am i missing something? like–i thought the movie was all about how we in the west are, like, destroying the earth. man.
the war on terror shit seemed peripheral to moi.
either way, cameron is really skilled at beating one about the head with the bleeding obvious.
01.06.10 at 5:11 pm
Avatar is amazing if you have never played a video game within the last 10 years, if you’ve never seen any of the danceswithpocahantas samurai shit, if you’ve never watched a miyazaki film, if you have the tolerance to some of the most stilted dialogue and worst written scenes I’ve ever had to witness to.
I went in, having never seen any previews, no word on the plot, other than there are some blue people. I kinda wish I did because it was a bunch of hippy idealist bullshit of corporate greed and white man’s guilt.
I started groaning from the point of “YOU WILL TEACH HIM THE METHODS OF OUR WAYS” the big chief goes to his daughter, and never let up. I’m pretty sure that I didn’t care about any of the characters at all.
And the hippy bullshit dancing/chanting scenes were just over the top bad (not to mention that ending song).
01.06.10 at 5:12 pm
well i did find the visuals pretty cool. then again i haven’t played a video game since super mario one on the nes.
01.06.10 at 5:14 pm
and yes it had thee worst dialogue i’ve been exposed to in a long time. it would have been much better as a silent movie.
01.06.10 at 5:18 pm
Honestly I wish it was an abstract tech demo where you fly around the planet pandora and check out stuff like a nature film or Koyoquatsi.
I never really felt like any time I saw a creature or a navi that they were “real.”
01.06.10 at 5:23 pm
I wish you all understood this post like I do
01.06.10 at 6:36 pm
Hey “Benjamin”, why’d you leave out the part concerning how difficult it is to topple incumbents in popular elections (look at the statistics) in your argument w/ Surroosh or whoever? I thought all you “meta bloggers” like to think that your penchant and/or capacity for research is what sets you apart from “boomer journalists”.
As for Avatar, why even bother blogging about the painfully obvious allegories of environmental destruction/the perils of group-think/the decimation of aboriginals cultures by imperialists? Does it make you feel smart, or what? Everyone gets it, cause it’s not even disguised in the slightest.
Please go away. These blogs are pointless, and a waste of time.
01.06.10 at 6:38 pm
first comment is awesomeness!
01.06.10 at 7:04 pm
to deep for your audience. we live in a mind dumb.
01.06.10 at 8:09 pm
Yeah, but it’s because we kept invading the Blue People’s fucking countries, man. If the Zionists never made us invade their countries, this film never would have been made, dude. Benjamin’s a Jew, so of course he’s not going to blame the Zionists for fucking over the Blue People.
01.06.10 at 8:30 pm
Nipple dicks comment is perfect. You can see he absolutely Did not read
01.06.10 at 8:37 pm
Good title. Like “for dummies” but insted “for aliens.” The indians are the aliens and Aliens was another James Cameron film. You think you’re so clever.
01.06.10 at 10:30 pm
I shat me pants when he goes to give Mother Tree the “heads up” about the sky/star people.
01.06.10 at 10:57 pm
Hey cocksucker,TOO LONG;DIDNT READ.
01.07.10 at 8:31 am
i thought Avatar was actually “better” than ‘Where the Wild things are’, in that they’re both movies, and one was actually pretty entertaining and told some kind of a fantastic yet followable story… whereas the other was a fucking boring shambles that was painful to sit through and made me embarrassed of our generation.
you could possibly squeeze more ‘indie-cutesy-cool’-ness into a movie and not be ‘500 Days of Summer’ (which i had to go to because i was trying to be a good boyfriend for once and it hurt me and made me never want to listen to the pixies, the smiths or joy division ever ever ever again), but it would be hard.
but Avatar…? No complaints here. I thought it was a white nerds fantasy of what it would be like to fuck an exotic foreign woman and save their world with your majestic white DNA, but other than that: movie awesomeness.
‘500 days of summer’ could be used as torture to anyone with a brain, in comparison.
& shouts outs to the commenter above who called blog entries ‘pointless’…. holy fuck you should get a job at an ailing newspaper and REALLY run them into the ground.
01.07.10 at 8:45 am
I live in the south where people have less brain power than Terry Schiavo and they are fighting me to the death about whether the fim is politically preachy. Believe it or not, the very people that Cameron is talking about MISSED THE WHOLE POINT and think its “just a great family film.”
01.07.10 at 11:36 am
i like that someone up in these comments up der coined the term “emperialism”. awesome – the tyranny of hard evidence.
given the growing scarcity of oil, history will vindicate the iraq invasion as the most vital piece of american foreign policy since WWII. vietnam? now that was a waste of time. only invade places that have shit you want. its simple really.
01.07.10 at 2:26 pm
Of course people from the south/ bible belt/ right wing, will not perceive the specific war on terror parallels and just perceive what ever moral dilemma they want. This crappy good v. evil plot is chock full of enough vague politicization that it panders to almost every center(left?) political movements in america (and other target markets). this film is a bigger cock-sucker than a politician.
Fagatar also relies heavily on built in geek markets; W.O.W. players ( who already fantasies about svelte blue pointy-eared beef/cheesecake riding a pterodactyl), furries (ditto), and other scifi/fantasy/gamer hard ons.
01.12.10 at 2:02 am