This is NYC’s first moped shop in the past three decades, which opened less than a month ago in Greenpoint. It still hasn’t been reported on aside from a 100-word blurb in the New York magazine.

The shop is called The Orphanage, which makes sense because the founder and sole owner Ryan Due is a member of the moped gang The Orphans, which is affiliated with the nationwide collective Moped Army. While moped-riding has experienced its ups and downs, the Orphanage is the first NYC moped shop of this generation of riders.

I myself do not own a moped, nor have I ever ridden one, but I think they’re highly practical (if you’re handy with a wrench) and look like a lot of fun.

I recently talked with Ryan and he said he was leery of doing an interview but he agreed to do it if he’d be able to address the remarkably negative reception moped gangs have gotten from newspapers. The way Ryan breaks it down, it’s as if the journalists come into the story thinking moped-riders are either one of two distinctive groups of pussies. Understandably, this attitude gives Ryan–and any other moped person we talk to–the heebie-jeebies.

[Peter, this is good but it's a little too serious. What if we do a thing where we're bitching about them as posers and say they tolerate snitches and they don't sell meth. We'd compare them to the Warlocks and the Angels and say moped gangs aren't even close to as badass as real biker gangs. -Ed.]

Ahem, moped gangs catch a lot of flak because everybody thinks they’re a bunch of wannabe Hells Angels or, conversely, twee little dickheads who think it’s cute to co-opt the smallest motorized two-wheeler next to the pocket bike.

Sadly, these two daft perspectives inform nearly every lookie-here article you might find about mopeds and the people who ride them. Now, I myself stand as an outsider, but comprehending this moped shit seems a lot easier than physically maintaining one. Here’s what trash-talkers oughta consider: 1.) Moped gangs look pussy next to the Hells Angels because any group of people looks pussy next to the Hells Angels; and 2.) Riders on mopeds look cuter than riders on motorcycles because motorcycles are the loudest and most-endowed two-wheeled vehicles ever invented. There’s no contest! These alt-weekly reporters act as if they’d rather be lifting sheets off cadavers and writing about the umpteenth biker rumble instead of conceding that it’s probably just really fucking fun to go moped-riding with a bunch of your friends.

I was going to let Ryan Due–a member of the Moped Army-affiliated Orphans and the owner of the Orphanage, NYC’s only moped shop—do all the talking, but I didn’t realize the above paragraph would pack such a wallop.

[Peter, This is good but I have a very hard time believing anyone honestly thinks of these guys as comparable to real bikers. In fact, even as a joke it's a bit of a stretch. That's what the Portland reporter was doing. Trying to make a joke. It would be funnier to take them totally seriously as a gang and say they do all kinds of shit. Maybe say they sell meth and kill rivals and shit. -Ed.]

Guys,
I guess you’re now proposing an all-together different article, like a parody or a spoof. I mean, I think the idea of a prank would be funny, where things get so absurd by the end the discerning reader would get the joke. But I don’t know how Ryan as the Moped Army chapter leader and storeowner would take to the idea. I mean, if they’re not complicit with the joke, I think he could take some sort of legal action, no? Like libel or defamation or something. Don’t get me wrong, I think it would, yeah, be funny to paint the gang as such, dealing meth and killing kids, but I guess I don’t know how to go about it.

I’m confused–in your previous email you said I should talk about how they’re not real bikers because they don’t sell meth, don’t have any rules about blood in blood out, tolerate disrespect, etc.–which I set out to do. I agree I shouldn’t direct so much at weekly journalists. I guess I’m more reacting to how fervently some early to mid 20somethings tear down moped riders when they hear mention of a moped gang “They’re not a real gang! They’re not!” as if the actual moped riders have been trying to convince anybody otherwise. I mean, they pretty much just use the word “gang” instead of “club” or “organization” to describe themselves, yet everybody is so pissed off at them. I suppose I need to do a better job documenting or contextualizing the grudge against moped riders.

So what do you think? What direction should I go? Let’s take out the “pack such a wallop” part–that’s dumb.

[Peter, OK, so the angle I suggested was pretending they were a deadly gang but you're right about sticking that in late being gay. The reason I don't like this intro is it suggests everyone thinks they're pussy hell's angels which I don't think is true. The article you list isn't an example of that. They guy was goofing. What about this something like this...?

Joining a gang like the Warlocks or the Hells Angels means months of apprenticeships and violence and abuse from the elders in the gang. When you've finally beat the shit out of enough rivals to get in, you have to live this dog-eat-dog life where you can get attacked by another gang at any given moment. Dealing meth is no big ball of laughs either. Then there's the insurance and getting a motorcycle license. Is there a way to ride a motorbike that doesn't involve felonies and hard work? Yes there is my friend, and it's right under your nose. I present... The Orphanage. - Ed.]

Oh no. Sorry this is getting complicated. I think your lead paragraph is funny, but I feel SBTVC readers are already aware of moped gangs. One thing those two weekly newspaper articles illustrate about mopeds is the public’s general awareness of them. So instead of breaking a story that’s already been told, what I think is valuable is to address the ongoing negative attitudes many folks ages 18 to 25 have about moped and the folks that ride them. I know these things attitudes exist–beyond having encountered them on my own, it was Ryan himself who wanted to address these two prominent misconceptions about moped gangs.

I’m not arguing that I haven’t properly substantiated these two types of anti-moped sentiment (there are three types if you include the hippies who decry the emissions), and you’re right that the articles I linked to aren’t good examples of what I’m talking about. An article that does encapsulate both viewpoints is this openly antagonistic one in the SF Weekly–the problem is that I shot myself in the foot two years ago with the comment I left there (Lauren Smiley is a college buddy, and I was sticking up for her out of principal). Obviously I would lose a lot of credibility if SBTVC readers came across that.

So, per Ryan Due’s suggestion, I’ve just now created an account on the Moped Army website (the national moped hub) and posted in their forum a call for links to online anti-moped sentiment. I figure that should warrant some leads. What do you think?

[Oy, this is getting too complicated. It's just an interview. Let's just run it with this conversation as the intro. - Ed.]

All right.
Peter (to Orphanage owner Ryan Due): What headline would you put on this article?

Ryan Due: “Mo’ Peds, Mo’ Problems” is pretty funny, but it’s old. We used to put that on beer cozies.

What’s the most annoying shit you’ve read about moped riders?

Probably “born to be mild” and the “hardly wreak havoc” quote in that Portland newspaper article about the Puddle Cutters. I mean, who actually says that, “let’s go wreak some havoc”? We hardly wreak havoc because we’re not trying to.

People just secretly wish you were fucking them up with chains and ball-peen hammers. Just to reiterate: Why aren’t we in a motorcycle shop?

I’ve just never been interested by motorcycles. I don’t have a motorcycle driver’s license, but I think I’m going to get one this year just because. When you’re on a moped and a cop pulls you over–after he realizes you’re legal–he’ll still want to find a reason to give you a ticket–so he’ll start making things up. “You have to have insurance.” “Oh, really? According to my registration, I don’t have to.” “Oh. Well, you have to have a motorcycle driver’s license.” “No. According to my registration, I don’t have to have that.” What’s even better than a cop being wrong is you being over-certified. It’s a way of saying fuck you, officer, goodbye. Who doesn’t like to put something in a cop’s face?

Sure, but at the end of the day a cop’s job is just to pat you on the ass and make sure you’re tucked in. Motorcycle gangs are pretty badass, though, huh?

They seem exaggerated on TV, but when you see those dudes at the Hells Angels place over on Third Street in the East Village, they seem pretty for real. That’s why it’s really funny when somebody tries to compare us to that, because, it’s like, dude, we’re nothing like that. [laughter]

What do motorcycle dudes think of you?

Some guy called Bradley: I’ve pulled up to a couple Harley guys a few times. They think we’re funny.

Ryan: The guy who runs the motorcycle shop nearby is a fucking asshole, though! You go over there and ask, “Hey, do you have a cable like this I can buy here?” He’ll go [assumes impatient voice], “What’s it for?” “It doesn’t matter what the cable is for. I just need a cable.” “What’s it for?” “It’s for a moped.” “Nope!” [laughter] “Nuh-uh. Wouldn’t have nothin’ for that here. Let me tell you what you do–go on down to the bicycle shop. They’ll tell you what you need.”

That’s great. So, a moped gang is a social club but why don’t you guys fly colors or wear patches or anything? That sounds like some fun you’re missing out on.

Ryan: We’ll put our horse-head stickers—the pony being our mascot–on our headlights. That’s about it. The Mosquito Fleet in Seattle wears back patches. I don’t think we’d ever do that.

Bradley: They’re playing dress-up.

Ryan: Yeah, that’s almost too corny for us.

Despite how straight-forward these moped gangs seem, people still don’t believe you guys don’t have bleed-in/bleed-out policies.

Ryan: Well, the Puddle Cutters in Portland cut themselves and… don’t they stick a dollar on the cut and then pin it on the wall? Yeah, that’s what they do.

A person could get an infection that way.

[A couple friends rev their mopeds outside the shop]

Ryan: Tell them to not do that shit. The lady upstairs has been telling me we’ve been getting better about not making so much noise.

OK, so just to really drive this point home: you guys are cool with the fact you don’t run methamphetamine, you tolerate disrespect, and there’s only one moped gang that jumps recruits, but it’s only by imposing self-mutilation. Additionally, your shop is inviting, you’re considerate of the tenants upstairs, and you respect bicycle lanes. Um, what the fuck is people’s problem with you guys again? That you’re too civilly-minded?

Ryan: To them riding a moped is an affectation, like wearing a fedora [laughs]. We ride mopeds because they’re fun and they’re faster than taking the bus. The thing is when you ride a moped, everybody calls you a faggot. Scooter guys don’t like you. Motorcycle guys think you’re pussy. You don’t have any friends. There isn’t a lot of coolness here. Consider a moped gang as the same thing as Revenge of the Nerds: a bunch of unlikely people uniting against everyone else who doesn’t like them—it’s no wonder we ride together and resemble a “gang.” The other day an old man on a bicycle flipped me off!

And you kicked his ass, right?

Ryan: Of course not.

WHAT THE HELLS SATANS ??? from mark restivo on Vimeo.

-PETER MADSEN

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