Last Friday they pulled the plug on Blue Iris. The Monday previous we attended the Ding Dong Show in LA to pay our respects. Iris wasn’t there because she was on life support. Her husband decided Friday would be the day she died but she had been brain dead for several days beforehand. This makes things complicated for Big Momma who’s been living with Iris for almost a decade and is now homeless.

Despite this blanket of gloom, the players managed to pull a fantastic show out of their collective asses. The gigantic blunt we smoked first didn’t hurt but even today, two weeks later and sober as a judge, this shit holds up. For those of you not familiar with the Ding Dong Show, it is a project headed by Jimmy Kimmel’s warm up comedian Don Barris. For decades Don has been collecting what some people would call “freaks” and allowing their special talents to blossom into a whole new kind of variety entertainment. This night was no exception as Don yanked Big Momma out of the doldrums and catapulted her into singing along to everything from “Grease” to “Tubthumper.” Wow.

Don’s cast has changed drastically over the years. Monday night’s show had regulars like Big Momma, fetish model Mary Jane, and Tennessee Winston Luke AKA Tennessee Ernie Tuxedo, but we were pleasantly surprised to meet a phenomenally energetic African American named Boom-shaka-laka and a somewhat misguided new actor named The Schizophrenic Surfer.

This is what the Ding Dong Show is like…

Before we even got in we heard Don screaming and yelling about how the show is done. “It’s over. Fuck this!” Few people realize Don is the biggest freak of them all. We sat down anyway and watched Mary Jane chase Don and talk him out of canceling the show. Don then explained to the crowd that Blue Iris was brain dead and would be leaving this world in a few days. He dedicated the show to her.

Big Momma was then encouraged to tell a funny anecdote about Blue that would cheer everybody up. Momma proceeded to tell a very sad story about Iris’ stroke and how it came to pass that her friend became a vegetable. Don said “Wow, that was uplifting” and invited the Schizophrenic Surfer on to the stage. The Surfer started to do a Doors cover but forgot his lines twice. Don lost it. “What the fuck is going on!?” he yelled. The Surfer was crestfallen and said, “Goddamnit. I’m sorry Don.” Don then castigated him for not practicing enough. “How many days were you supposed to practice this song?” Schizophrenic looked down at the ground and reluctantly admitted “Five.” “And how many did you do?” yelled Don. “Maybe 3″ The Surfer replied. Don was pissed but the Surfer convinced him to let him try one more time. Guess what. He nailed it. Don hugged him and everyone was clapping. What a moment. The Surfer then explained that he had to leave because Ron has his keys and that fucker owes him money which he will never get but he has to go try anyway. Besides, Ron might steal his surfboard.

Mary Jane took the stage and talked about killing puppies in her high-pitched Betty Boop voice. About a dozen stuffed puppies were then electrocuted with a car battery.

Then Boom-shaka-laka came bounding in with some paintings he had found in the garbage. He was selling them for $3 each. One was of the Virgin Mary draped in a blue shroud. We all gasped at the serendipity. This was a message. Blue Iris is going to heaven. Don put the painting on the stage and the show went forward until someone bought the art. Laughter and tears have never been such close friends.

Later we talked to some regulars and said it was the best Ding Dong show we had ever seen. One elderly black guy with dreads and a video camera slung over his shoulder shrugged and said, “Meh, they’re all this good. And nobody fought tonight. I’ve seen Don and the Armenian Comedian fist fight so bad, they had to call the cops. Now that was a good night.” Don overheard this and told us the Armenian Comedian may be kicked out of the Ding Dong show because he didn’t show tonight and never called. Ding Dongers are often put on probation and can spend weeks off the stage after violations like suing, hitting or, in rare cases, even biting Don.

What an evening.

Of course, nobody will every compare to Don’s greatest muse Perry Caravello (who once bit an enormous hole into Don’s arm) and it’s impossible to discuss anything Don does without including our favorite Perry moments. Here I am losing my temper with Perry at a magazine shoot…

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and some faves from the greatest movie of all time…

Once you start getting into Don’s world it becomes very difficult to pull yourself out. Especially if you’re stoned. However, if you want to open this Pandora’s (outside the) Box, The Ding Dong show is always Monday, 10 pm, at The Comedy Store, 8433 Sunset Blvd., West Hollywood, 90046.

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