If you haven’t heard of Scott Alexander you’ve probably never been to the island of Britain. He made headlines over there as “Britain’s Vainest Man” and sealed the fame deal with BBC’s “Britain’s Biggest Spenders” where he spent seven million pounds on himself in one week. Nobody’s sure how Alexander became so rich. He was a bouncer at a club and then a personal trainer but he says it’s from supplying the rich and famous with fancy rental cars and investing the money in real estate. One of the leading theories here at Street Carnage is that it’s linked to the mountains of gold that spill out of his mouth every time his clenched jaws allow words out. How’s this for one of the greatest quotes of all time, “I have never knowingly slept with anyone with cellulite – not even on a one-night stand.”
That’s right, the most amazing thing about this guy has nothing to do with his Louis Vuitton soccer ball or his million dollar watch that says “Number One” in diamonds. It’s not related to his muscle-encrusted body and his strangley-botoxed face. No. The most amazing thing about Number One (as he insists on being called) is how incredibly insecure he is. Once your eyes get a taste of him they will never stop thirsting for more. You’ll wake up in the middle of the night thinking about him and you’ll have no idea why.
Maybe it’s because he acts like an alien who just landed here and is petrified of someone blowing his cover. Name-dropping near celebrities like Missy Elliot and LL Cool J (what?) and awkwardly explaining why there’s no women around him makes you wonder if he weighed 300 lbs last week and has no idea how to pull off the rich and sexy stud persona he rammed down his own throat. See for yourself but be warned: like moshing and a lot of things that are bad for you, Scott Alexander is addicting.
(There’s no “birds” here now but there will be. I swear.)
(A watch inspired by J-Lo’s love of Ben Affleck)
(I have stuff from Louis Vuitton)
(Please watch this whole thing. Seeing a pregnant slapper speak in “street slang” is something you will never be able to wash off.)
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it would be so fucking fun to key that range rover, damn
02.20.08 at 8:42 am
why was that reporter speaking in ridiculous slang? in that piece, he came across as relatively sane while she was the crazy one.
02.20.08 at 11:42 am
LIST PRICE!
02.20.08 at 3:10 pm
what the fuck is wrong with his eyebrows?
02.20.08 at 4:23 pm
Nice homeless tan you fookin cunt.
02.20.08 at 6:53 pm
Its very Ali-G, which I thought was a joke!
02.21.08 at 12:06 am
THE GATOR!
02.21.08 at 8:06 pm
what?? I am speechless. that pregnant woman and her jamaican patois is making me gorge my eyes out! Help!
02.21.08 at 8:52 pm
essentially he has No-one tattooed accross his back and stuck onto his watch in pointless shiny crystals, and you’d think with all his dosh he could buy a better wig.
02.22.08 at 9:50 am
Just like he has dedicated his whole life to fucking plastic blondes, I would put down the bong and go to university just to be his psychologist.
And what’s up with his cheeks? He needs to fire his plastic surgeon.
10.27.08 at 6:03 am