My favorite part of Suze Orman’s bestselling Young Fabulous and Broke is the bit where she discusses the positive side of credit cards.
In this chapter, Ms. Orman explains why you NEED to own a credit card in today’s society: To establish credit, bail yourself out of emergency situations, and even help make ends meet while you’re working through tough transitional periods.
A credit card can be a lifesaver!
Afterwards of coarse, she quite responsibly discusses the darker side of credit cards, describing the characteristics that more quickly come to mind given today’s economic environment.
She rails against would-be abusers, scolding them: ‘DON’T YOU DARE spin my sober delineation into an excuse to take trips to Hawaii, live above your means, and act like all-around nigger-rich jerkoffs.’ (paraphrasing)
Bravo, Ms. Orman; your measured honesty has inspired me to confess that this is exactly how I feel about Bulimia.
When I first tell people that I have been Bulimic for almost 20 years, they almost always react by thinking that I’m joking. If it was true, wouldn’t I look gaunt? Shouldn’t my teeth be rotten? Shouldn’t I have fallen into some kind of Bulimia-induced Terry Schiavo coma by now?
No, because like responsible credit card users, I don’t act like a jerkoff.
Make no mistake: If you’re forcing yourself to throw up after every meal, or every day, or even every other day, then you’re headed for serious trouble. In this case, you more than likely have some fucked-up eating disorder where you look like a skeleton but then you look in the mirror and you see yourself as some big fat pig but the camera shows the audience how you really look: skeletal, crazy, and like you need to get medical attention.
However, if you’re a normal, non-ill, productive member of society, you should be able to use the following techniques to your extreme advantage:
1) Eat like a normal person most of the time – that means eating a sandwich for lunch without a big fuckin $2.49 bag of fritos or other piece of 110g o’ FAT item like a bag of mini-snickers, etc.
2) Exercise regularly – Don’t worry about going to the gym: Do 30 pushups a day, 50 sit-ups a day, and run 5 miles a week – YOU WILL BE AS ‘DEFINED’ AS ANYONE NEEDS TO BE.
3) (DO NOT SKIP THIS STEP!) ENJOY a big fuckin gorging-ass meal when you want – an average of once a week. Gorging yourself in a food orgy like this is THE KEY to eating in a measured and responsible manner the rest of the time.
Eat an entire dish of General Tso’s chicken with eggrolls and tons of rice with gloopy sauce. Drink a lot of beer, and eat a ton. Be sure to drink a lot of beer DURING the meal (this is key) – at the end, drink a lot of cold water and then more beer.
Next, excuse yourself and proceed to the bathroom. Turn on the fan and run the water so that wiseasses can’t hear and steal/report your techniques:
Get on your knees and bend over the toilet. Do NOT stick your fingers down your throat like a chick or a faggot – the gagging and wretching that results will cause internal organ damage in the long term- YOUR “TRIGGER” NEEDS TO BE 100% MENTAL:
Pretend you are in prison, and being forced to give a rim job to a big sweaty black man. Really envision getting your tongue deep into his negro sweathole – imagine the stench and the pimples – if you are truly creative and can summon these senses, this fantasy will snap your gag reflex and the massive amounts of food, water, and beer you’ve ingested will projectile-explode into the toilet.
Give the bowl a couple of good ones but DON’T whine like a queer and try to empty every last piece of your stomach into the toilet. Just chill and be cool man, damn.
After you’re done, IMMEDIATELY brush your teeth to scrape off the stomach acids and avoid toof damage. Then have a small sip of Peach Looza or some other fruit-based drink that can coat your throat and insides to prevent your internals from being eaten away by acid.
I’m sure some of you fagskeptics think that I’m joking or that I’m wrong – let me assure you that I have PERSONALLY done this about once a week for almost 20 years – I have never “gone Schiavo,” had rotting of teeth, or experienced any organ pain. The heart-rate rush I have experienced is NOTHING compared to smoking a big joint at some murdertronics gig and thinking that the police are after me.
You WILL get the hang of the ebb and flow of this – to keep weight down, you can stick to a fairly consistent holding pattern. To LOSE weight however, you may have to puke more or eat less. DO NOT PUKE TOO MUCH or you’re doing it wrong.
WARNING: It is VERY fucking hard to keep weight off or lose weight without using my Bulimia methodology. Jared is a jerkoff. Nonetheless, if you decide to go with a more traditional plan, more power to you but please DO NOT write a blog about it or talk about your weight loss plans any further – everyone is bored to tears.
—
Today’s masturbation pro-tip:
1) Scan old highschool yearbook photos of the girls(18+) you once dreamed of.
2) Import into photoshop and enlarge their faces to life-size.
3) Print them in color on oaktag.
3) Cut out their faces and cut holes in their mouths.
4) Lube up your hand and hold it behind the oaktag.
5) Profit.
For expert support, follow me on twitter.
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FIRST
04.08.09 at 11:37 am
<oh
04.08.09 at 11:39 am
lots of people do that. it’s no biggie. dates back to the romans. also, i agree w/her on the credit card usage.
04.08.09 at 11:51 am
I just came up with the phrase “AIDSfuck your skull.” feel free to use it
04.08.09 at 11:52 am
In all seriousness, voluntary vomiting has saved my life, and not in terms of weight loss. I vomit frequently as an anxiety control and have also never experienced negative side-effects other than bad breath and heart failure
04.08.09 at 11:52 am
a better way to do this would be to smoke like 7 newports in a row, back to back while you squat over a full kittylitter box. Cat shit/piss is the worst smell in the world and im sure most of you have moms or lesbian friends so catboxes are readily available. So if someone runs up on you you can just be like “that cat shit smells sooooo bad its making me sick *puke puke* and nobody will judge you.
04.08.09 at 11:55 am
course, not coarse
04.08.09 at 11:59 am
This is irresponsible bullshit – yeah like girls really need more help having sick self images.
04.08.09 at 12:12 pm
@ b – JANG is haunting you from the grave you cunt.
04.08.09 at 12:13 pm
@ just a normal girl – ur fat.
04.08.09 at 12:14 pm
was right there with you up until the rimjob visualization techniques
04.08.09 at 12:20 pm
isn’t tweeter about writing less?
04.08.09 at 12:23 pm
If you eat as much as you suggest, your body will just start spitting the shit up involuntarily, especially if you’re not thoroughly chewing your food. Just keep spitting this unchewed food into the toilet, and your calories are cut in half. To get rid of the rest, read the latest BN column and vomit accordingly
04.08.09 at 12:28 pm
Tommy, seriously, Fuck you. I may not be skinny like a model but at least I have a decent self-imagine and am not encouraging the teenage fangirls who read this stupid site to get eating disorders.
04.08.09 at 12:32 pm
LMAO. fucking ace and thanks for the good jackoff tip. If you quit twitter like you did blogging I’ll kill your fucking face
04.08.09 at 12:35 pm
WELL B.N. I HAVE A TWO-FOLD CONCERN’S, THE FIRST BEING I WENT TO AN ALL-BOYS SCHOOL, YES, SO IT WILL BE HARD FOR ME TO FIND A “FREINDLY FACE” FROM THE YEAR-BOOK.
WELL AS FOR NUMBER TWO, AND I BELEIVE THIS IS SOME WHAT RELATED TO THE FIRST THING, THE WHOLE RIM-JOB VISALISATION TECHNIQUE IS HAVING NO AFFECT ON ME. I JUST TRIED TO PUKE UP A BIG CHIPOLTE “BURRITO BOWL” BUT IN STEAD I JUST ENDED UP HAVING TO MASTERBATE, SO MAY BE COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME ANOTHER THING TO TRY TO IMAGINE IN MY MIND??? THANKS
04.08.09 at 12:35 pm
Occasionally skipping meals is better for you than forcing yourself to occassionally throw up and its cheaper coz you’re not wasting food.
Want a giant pizza for dinner without gaining weight? Skip breakfast and lunch.
Over-ate and over drank the night before? fast the next day.
However, in the long run, you need to eat healthier foods (you can eat more of it coz it has less calories, which keeps you feeling full) and exercise more to raise your metabolism and your daily calorific needs.
04.08.09 at 12:47 pm
Reading that rim job paragraph got me really horny…
Also, i realized that every Wednesday – Saturday night//morning i’m usually puking my brains out; not on purpose but it’s all stress or alcohol induced. Is this a form of “bulimia”? Should i seek “counseling” ? Do i make my momma proud by ending up on NYC’s “party” picture sites every week? just seeking “meaning” in life rite now.
FYI:::
THE BROKE BITCH DIET is more effective than BULIMIA. My size zero jeans keep falling off my ass today. Thanks Kan-yeezy with the 2008 Depression Work Out Plan ima be fuqn Ray Ray Broke-Ass fo tha rest of muh muthafuckin’ life!!!
@tommy gun
ahaha u r00l. Lemme ride your helicopter?
04.08.09 at 12:48 pm
this is the internet; get it done in one short paragraph or not at all. i think we’d all prefer the latter.
04.08.09 at 12:55 pm
Here’s a tip, instead of sitting over a toilet and throwing up, hit the fucking gym and turn all that fat into muscles.
What kind of bitch are you? Are you that desperate to fit into skinny jeans? What happened to MEN? What happened MENNIGGERS?
04.08.09 at 12:56 pm
Suze Orman rulz. She helped my credit too.
04.08.09 at 1:04 pm
WE RIGHT HERE DOGGIE
AND WE FUCKIN MAD WHITE BITCHES YA DIG?
04.08.09 at 1:07 pm
@ Just a Normal Girl (The Original)
thank gawd there is someone else on this site that actualy makes sense. Everyone else is assholes
04.08.09 at 1:11 pm
“intentionally offensive sarcasm is soooo offensive” –sincerely, your commenters
04.08.09 at 1:19 pm
^ you’re fat too.
04.08.09 at 1:20 pm
this. was. very. disturbing.
not insightful, this was just………lame. i hate SB!!!!!
04.08.09 at 1:26 pm
Was always wanting to know the demographics here and now I got a little face to go with the
words, check this blarring example of the typical brklyn fag-hole that posts on this site. http://www.myspace.com/tommyarsenal
04.08.09 at 1:31 pm
it’s not funny, my sister had a serious eating disorder but then died of aids so i guess it’s a push
04.08.09 at 1:46 pm
I enjoy the fact that I get to taste all the yummy food twice, once going down, once coming up.
04.08.09 at 1:52 pm
SARAHSPY:
YOU WERE TOLD REPEATEDLY TO STOP PROMOTING YOUR AWFUL BLOG
04.08.09 at 1:56 pm
LOLZ WEIGHT LOSS IZZUES ALWYZ GIT ALL THE STREET CARNAGE TUBBY GIRLS READERS TO CUM OUTTA DEY FURRY BUSHES.
2 WORDS COKE. CANE. GIT ER DUNNN
BUT DA KATE MOSS LOOK SO 2001 YALL
KIM KARDASHIAN BODY IS IN STEEZ DUH FGGTZ
04.08.09 at 2:01 pm
Censorship is a little out of place in the Street Boner arena. Even if you’re equipped with the filter of an emotionally unstable 13 year old, you’re in the same shit pit as the “white guilt” nuts.
04.08.09 at 2:01 pm
Val,
Record a video of yourself sitting still for 10 minutes and I’ll mail you $100.
04.08.09 at 2:10 pm
all you bitches need to do is throw that shit up/throw that shit up/throw that shit up/ stick your fingers down your throat/ fucking choke/ up comes the burgers and the fucking HoHos!/ all you fat bitches need to do is throw that shit up/ throw that shit up/throw that shit up
sing it to a baltimore club music track or miami bass etc.
fuh jeah…
04.08.09 at 2:12 pm
@Cap’n Glitterfuzz
My sex tape with Blognigger just got leaked on the internet this morning at precisely 11:11 AM.
Look out for it. FREE DOWNLOAD TO TAKE UR LOAD OFF
04.08.09 at 2:15 pm
@ Val – you get JaJa and NSonik kids to make a fucking bulemia track with those lyrics above its helicopters all day errrry day.
04.08.09 at 2:16 pm
I actually do something similar as described by Blognigger, but it doesn’t necessarily involve puking (unless it’s thanksgiving or New Year’s). It’s called shitting. What I do is I pretty much gorge on anything I want, as described above, but then wait for a few hours and it all magically comes out of my asshole. And it feels good too.
04.08.09 at 2:29 pm
What the hell is the website??? seriously, this is disgusting and I’m reporting it. It can’t be legal to encourage people to become Bulemic.
What if it was your sisters??
04.08.09 at 2:33 pm
i’d like to report my toilet for encouraging me to vomit in it. looking all come hither and such. stupid toilet, it’s your fault!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wqtX4qZBdRs
04.08.09 at 2:40 pm
I’m so fucking fat, I hate myself.
04.08.09 at 2:46 pm
i hate you too.
04.08.09 at 3:03 pm
I love dicks
04.08.09 at 3:05 pm
support u bn 100%
fat bitches be pukin
04.08.09 at 3:15 pm
BN’s apparent addiction to encyclopedia dramtica is all I need to induce vomit.
04.08.09 at 3:26 pm
oaktag. hahahahaha
04.08.09 at 3:57 pm
Serious question. Has anyone here ever met a bulimic or anorexic that wasn’t a middle to upper class caucasian with daddy issues?
04.08.09 at 4:03 pm
BN obviously doesn’t count.
04.08.09 at 4:04 pm
Heroin will help you lose weight, and (like everything in the fucking world) doing it in moderation probably wont kill you.
04.08.09 at 4:11 pm
It’s okay JANG the original, he called me fat when I had that name too.
But thanks to blognigger, I will be fat with rotted teeth. HAWT.
04.08.09 at 4:17 pm
Do an article on how to stop manic-depression and non-stop man-crying.
04.08.09 at 4:25 pm
@ Michael
YES – upper middle class, daddy issues, half black. Hot as fuck.
04.08.09 at 4:32 pm
tHis isnt funny. I work at a fashion magazine and there are alot of really pretty girls here and we have regular jobs not like models and stuff. But anyway we’re alot of us really pretty and alot of them, not me, have serious eating disorders cuz of guys like u and the models everywhere u like so much. it’s not cool to maek jokes about this stuff. peoples lifes get realy fucked up and its not funny to laugh at.
04.08.09 at 4:35 pm
WELL FOXY HOTTY, FIRST LET ME QUOTE THE GOVENATOR ARNOLD SHWARTZENAGER AND SAY “FIRST I WOULD LIKE TO JUST GET TO KNOW YOU”
04.08.09 at 4:44 pm
this is fucking precious…
makes me nostalgic for those Lifetime movies about bulimia and anorexia. oh god remember the one where the girl was bulimic and puking in jars and other shit and then hiding them around her room. That was awesome. And the crappy teen actors taking their guilty sojourns to the store where they buy a shit ton of junk food and then drive to some secluded spot and get in the back seat and just scarf and cry. Damn so funny, the best part about those movies is that they actually give up the skills/tips to get away with it. That’s how I know it hurts to vom lettuce.
04.08.09 at 5:18 pm
First! Well I’ll be first tomorrow when I read it.
04.08.09 at 5:45 pm
me take picshuhs a me welaxing in bubbie’s wumpus woom and put em on a intwaweb.
04.08.09 at 6:06 pm
there is no way you actually do this. Definitely has to be fiction. Is anyone is actually going to try this? Maybe they already do?
04.08.09 at 6:09 pm
Good solid post my friend. Ya even got some faggot to bite on ‘coarse’ LOL
04.08.09 at 7:21 pm
I hate throwing up because im like jew cheap. once i had this delicious $100 meal and it was really good but for some reason like two hours later i had hurled up into the sink.It took me like five minutes to convince myself not to eat the vomit. I just wanted to get my money’s worth!
04.08.09 at 7:45 pm
Good thing you specified 18+, that shit’d be illegal, nigger. Tell you what though, that is a fucking compelling idea
04.08.09 at 8:32 pm
It is NOT fucking hard to lose weight without puking. I have lost >30 lbs in a month just by limiting myself to 1500 calories a day or less and walking 3 miles a day. But I was quite fat and I’m 6 feet tall. If you’re smaller you’ll have to limit your calories even more.
04.08.09 at 9:39 pm
You’re full of shitcock give me abfucking break >30 pounds in a month, what the fuck ever
04.08.09 at 9:53 pm
Vane$$a took a nosedive on this one and became BN’s beeeeyatch. That’s what a shout out and can buy you nowadays.
04.08.09 at 10:00 pm
that was pretty fucking hardcore, nice work
04.08.09 at 10:03 pm
‘tooth’ not ‘toof’
04.08.09 at 10:16 pm
i like to think about the old roman “vomitorium” when i puke up the six bags of doritos i ate. it makes it feel all history-ish and that gives me the extra push i need to brush the bile off of my teeth before i hit the hay.
04.09.09 at 1:57 am
people are often shocked by the things I say. Is it because I’ve been reading this site for 3 years?
04.09.09 at 3:58 am
Definitely not me saying any of that shit. I’m too busy these days writing a book and staying clean and sober to be wiling away my life with you do-nothing losers. I do YOGA now. What the fuck do you do? Huh? Motherfuckers. I’ve taken out a new lease on life. Besides, as my Jewish grandmother always liked to say: “If you’re good at something, never do it for free, and if you’re not good at something, steal.”
Namaste.
04.09.09 at 6:47 am
Hi Vane$$a. Can you write me at my name at gee mail? Awesome, thanks. Oh, and if you’re looking to lose weight, you can always maintain a diet that consists of at least 80% raw fruits and vegetables. It will bring peace to you and the earth.
04.09.09 at 6:52 am
Today’s masturbation pro-tip:
1) Scan old highschool yearbook photos of the girls(18+) you once dreamed of.
2) Import into photoshop and enlarge their faces to life-size.
3) Print them in color on oaktag.
3) Cut out their faces and cut holes in their mouths.
4) Lube up your hand and hold it behind the oaktag.
5) Profit.
For expert support, follow me on twitter.
HAHAHAHAHAHA. Thats funny an am doin it.
Yer Bazzers!
04.09.09 at 8:34 am
5) Profit.
That tickles me like. ha.
04.09.09 at 8:35 am
Fuck off and leave me alone – I’m writing a bestseller on what it’s like to be a bitter and lonely female impersonator in a chatroom.
04.09.09 at 11:04 am
Vegan Jules, you’re shocking because we just can’t handle all the dead-on, mind-blowing knowledge bombs you’ve been dropping. You’re self-righteous preaching is hard to ignore for all of us dummies. And frankly, the profundity of it all is as impressive as it is mind-warping. I’m electric shocking a cow, and fucking over a 3rd world country as I write this.
04.09.09 at 11:06 am
i had her book over my toilet tank for a few months giving no mind to ever read it until a few days ago. after a few pages i realized im better off peering into my toilet bowl for something that is not so full of shit
04.09.09 at 11:54 am
if any ladies need a fat dick to induce vomit, well be at happy ending tonight.
oh, and good looks blognigger, get at us.
04.09.09 at 3:58 pm
i weep for the human race
08.22.09 at 4:39 am