“The Bristol Hotel cause it ain’t no thing
And her meat taste better than Burger King.”
–L.L. Cool J, Bristol Hotel
Keep Steve Jobs and his fagpods – whoever has been breathing new life into Burger King over the last 5 years should get a fucking medal.
I don’t get to go to Burger King very often because a) I’m a faggot and my wife and I eat tofu every night, and b) I can’t get there for lunch because there ARE NONE.
There are like no goddamn Burger Kings in Manhattan anymore (R.I.P. Fuckin oldschool 82st street in the 1980’s – after seeing Indiana Jones Temple of Doom at Lowes 84th?! can i get a witness?!?) and the ones that still are in Manhattan are staffed by blacks so lobotomized, lazy, scary, and slow that they make niggas lining up outside the Methadone Clinic look like Barack Obama’s financial crisis team.
But just because I don’t get to go to BK more than once or twice a year, let me quote my man Artie and say that there is not a five star restaurant on this planet that can produce something that tastes better than a Whopper at two in the morning.
I don’t know if you’ve been following their campaigns for the last few years, but whoever Burger King’s Steve Jobs is deserves to be blown by 78 virgins. This nigga said “fuck it, we number two. Let’s be number two HARD.”
Finally kids, the nuke: WhopperVirgins.com. Burger King sends niggas out to fourth-world countries like some Sam Kinison ass shit: They make the Khalari Bushmen compare Whoppers to BigMacs in exploitative genius.
Tightass faggots cry and complain their PC cunts out, but Burger King keeps their pimp hand strong, racks in the publicity, and the Bushmen of the Kalahari have a new fucking god.
Shut your Chamomile Tea holes: The Whopper is the greatest thing that has ever happened to these people. Believe me, visit them in 20 years and the little browns will be worshiping the leftover wrapper like it’s C3P0, passing tales of the benevolent King down to their distended-bellied flypaper children via oral tradition.
Meet me here at 1:00 PM.
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STREET BONER 1118
Just to be clear, this is not a hole in her tights. It’s a hole in the ass-time continuum that will swallow your entire paycheck if you go near it.
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I <3 BN
12.05.08 at 12:13 pm
whoever has been breathing new life into Burger King over the last 5 years?
don’t you mean the ad agency that wrote the check for this article?
12.05.08 at 12:19 pm
u know those classic chicken sandwiches, the fried cutlet with shredded lettuce and mayo? Those thiings win the championship. I get mad crazy rhea from them but if I’m out of the city I go to a drive thru, get one and then speed immediately to a toilet. If you get it with a large coke you’ve got half the time to get to a bowl.
12.05.08 at 12:35 pm
You never get to screw who you want. You never get to eat what you want…Wow. You paint such a delightful portrait of what it’s like to be married to a J.A.P.
Burger King also started selling discount triple cheeseburgers the day after 9/11. I always thought that was an unbelievably magnanimous show of patriotism, providing the nation with affordable uber-flesh sandwiches/comfort food in the wake of OUR tragedy.
12.05.08 at 12:44 pm
BBDO used to be hired by Steve Jobs also the people behind the new king ads, were hired by microsoft for the I’m a pc ad, how’s that working.
12.05.08 at 12:49 pm
“You never get to screw who you want. You never get to eat what you want…Wow. You paint such a delightful portrait of what it’s like to be married to a J.A.P.”
seriously.
back to burger king. i worked in one back in high school. cockroaches in the shake machine, guys serving up “loogey burgers” if you told them your order was wrong, all sorts of gross stuff. the one that, in my opinion, took the cake (made me literally gag) was when a guy came in and started ragging about our uniforms being worn incorrectly. frontboard guy said to me “get back here!” so after i took the guy’s order i went in the back and watched him wipe the guy’s bun on the bottom of his shoe. then he went up and served it to him w/a smile.
we were all grinning american-type kids and this was in a great suburb so my point is you might as well go into the one that scares you. it happens in all of them.
12.05.08 at 12:56 pm
quite possibly the greatest passage in the history of SC:
“the Whopper is the greatest thing that has ever happened to these people. Believe me, visit them in 20 years and the little browns will be worshiping the leftover wrapper like it’s C3P0, passing tales of the benevolent King down to their distended-bellied flypaper children via oral tradition.”
wow.
12.05.08 at 1:37 pm
“there is not a five star restaurant on this planet that can produce something that tastes better than a Whopper at two in the morning.” … agreed.
also BN your such a nerd yo!
12.05.08 at 1:38 pm
shut your chamomile tea hole vanezza
12.05.08 at 1:48 pm
methings BN is finally pulling it together. this was possibly one of his best pieces yet.
12.05.08 at 1:55 pm
wow. i have that BK documentary BOOK MARKED, mother fuckers.
12.05.08 at 2:07 pm
Steve Jobs looks like he could use a Whopper right about now.
12.05.08 at 2:08 pm
In late 1987 I drove from my crib in Brighton Beach to Jamaica, Queens for the sole purpose of finding the Bristol Hotel.
I did this only because I was the World’s First Wigger and had nearly worn out my cassette of LL’s “Bigger and Deffer” album.
12.05.08 at 2:24 pm
Goad –
nice. Finally someone as old as me and bn.
that vid of bristol hotel sure brings back memories.
Hilarious too, to hear it again and hear LL cool J’s 1987 idea that “blood transfusions” were somehow a therapy for aids infection.
Actually not a bad idea – what happens if you but those muthafuckas on dialysis?
12.05.08 at 2:43 pm
WENDY’S MOTHERFUCKERS! except apparently management started telling all the employees to make the frosty floats by putting in coke in BEFORE the ice cream, which makes for a better presentation but a shittier float overall.
12.05.08 at 2:51 pm
You’re a fucking idiot.
12.05.08 at 2:52 pm
I’ve actually been craving a Whopper lately and I haven’t been to BK since 2005.
12.05.08 at 2:56 pm
Bristol hotel ftmfw
This is funny funny shit
12.05.08 at 3:09 pm
“I know a FAT girl!”
Jim Goad –
was it there? What’s the rest of the story…
did you find the bristol?
12.05.08 at 3:19 pm
I found the Bristol, but as “old greg” hinted, the HIV was a huge scare story back in the late 80s, especially in HIV-hubs such as NYC and SF.
I moved to NYC (well, West New York, New Jersey specifically) late in 1985. Rock Hudson was pronounced dead the day after I moved there, and I remember walking past some Sicilian-acting douchebone in the Village telling his friend, “Did you hear that Rock Hudson died? Yeah, the AIDS got him!” He thought it was funny, which, in retrospect, I guess it was.
Jerking my head backward laughing at something a friend had said, I once accidentally pierced my skull on a wrought-iron fence in a park near Christopher Street and was sure I had contracted the Gay Cancer.
So I drove straight past the Bristol, certain I’d get splashed with HIV if I explored any further.
12.05.08 at 3:32 pm
Lol, jesus christ that is a funny story.
Please Jim Goad, team up with BN and do some comedies – your team would make “Mr. Show” look like a Gavin and the black SC guy slide-presentation in people’s towns.
ROOM 515!!!!
12.05.08 at 3:45 pm
Remember when BK had waiters and skrimp baskets?! My man, BK is bout the comeback of the century.
12.05.08 at 4:30 pm
No – when the FUCK did bk have waiters???
pics or it didn’t happen
12.05.08 at 4:39 pm
waiters at bk is falsified data
12.05.08 at 5:01 pm
did anyone meet up with BN?
12.05.08 at 5:15 pm
excellent writing on BK – best thing I’ve read in months. thanks, man. you made my millenium. for the record, there ain’t none in NYC, but Hardees also busts out some fine-assed food that says “fuck you nd your fucking health – here is one big greasy ass-good-as-shit burger for your black ass.” and they throw down. and it is awesome.
12.05.08 at 5:40 pm
The Whopper Virgins gimmick is the single greatest idea in advertising.
12.05.08 at 5:41 pm
Does BK still have the “have it your way” rule? You know that thing where you can request that they prepare your food in a certain way, no questions asked? When I was a kid, jr. high age, I used to go to BK with this unbelievably spoiled, nouveau riche “friend” of mine. Just to be a dick he’d always invoke the “have it your way” rule. He’d request Whoppers cut in 4 pieces. He’d want half his cheese placed on top of the meat, half under. He’d ask them to mix the ketchup, mustard and mayo before applying it, and on and on. He’d even tell the manager to make sure that none of his mustache hairs fell in our food, and he’d say it super loud and bossy for full humiliating effect. We’d be on our way there and he’d try to think up as many “have it your way” pain in the ass special requests he could think of, just for the sport of it. Even his bitch mom would help him out with his list. I hated that they did this, but they paid for me and I had no money and nothing but bologna, ketchup, white bread, and Kool-Aid waiting for me at home, so I reluctantly went along. After about six months of this, the BK manager flipped out on him/us. He’d always dealt with the bullshit with a smile, but one day he jumped over the counter and slammed my friend against the wall in a complete rage. He called his mother a fat whore and him a little faggot that he was going to beat the shit out of when he turned 18. He also admitted to spitting on our food and even touching his asshole with some of our fries before he served them up. I was pretty pissed because I had never done anything to the guy, but I figured that I was suffering for my poverty and the company I kept. What the hell could I do about it? I wanted me some BK. When he was done, the manager stomped out of the BK, got in his car, lit a cig, and peeled out of the parking lot while flipping us the bird. The thing that really sticks in my mind from that memory is the looks on the faces of everyone in the restaurant as the manager went off on us. They all had fries and burger meat hanging out of their mouths in stunned disbelief. That image still cracks me up. And oh yeah, my friend and his parents tried to sue BK, but the judge told them to fuck off and stop acting like animals that just won the lottery. I thought that was pretty cool.
12.05.08 at 5:42 pm
as much as i loved this post, and even though i’m fucking east coast to the core, in and out burger is better then BK. it. just. is.
12.05.08 at 5:45 pm
# tommy gun Says:
12.05.08 at 5:45 pm
as much as i loved this post, and even though i’m fucking east coast to the core, in and out burger is better then BK. it. just. is.
– You haven’t had Checkers, then.
12.05.08 at 5:53 pm
tony badass
you lie and tl;dr all at once
12.05.08 at 5:57 pm
if only you were in the south circa 1995, then you could have had a Central Park burger. you would be writing about a Central Park Double Drive Thru.
you’re joking about the tofu.
12.05.08 at 7:01 pm
What’s “tl;dr?”
12.05.08 at 8:23 pm
Ju/’hoansi.
12.05.08 at 9:16 pm
fyi: there are 2 BK’s in the Fulston Street mall in downtown Crooklyn!
if you remember the Bristol Hotel (junkie ho central) you must also remember the all girls school down the block, Dominican Commercial?
12.05.08 at 9:24 pm
…oops, FULTON street mall.
12.05.08 at 9:25 pm
there is a burger king underground at rockefeller plaza you idiots, hurry up and buy.
12.05.08 at 9:32 pm
I too am cold stone East Coast in spite of living out here on the other coast and can tell you that after In ‘n Out (which I had for lunch today) you can’t even go near those other places, yech.
Having said that both The BK Virgins Campaign and BN’s deconstruction of it are pure genius.
12.05.08 at 9:47 pm
Notice how the Burger King guy in the pic has two tassles dangling between his legs like a fucking basset hound. This is what they refer to as “subtle elephantistic genitalia insinuation” in the advertising biz. It’s a well known fact that every swinging sub-conscious on planet Earth wants to be associated with big dicks and big balls. If you’ve got ‘em, people will buy anything from you. They might even follow you into an erupting volcano.
12.05.08 at 9:52 pm
I think the agency that revived BK and brought in The King is Crispin Porter and Bogusky out of Miami. They do a lot of the better advertising you see out there.
Now the only BK I can think of in Vancouver is in a movie theatre that you have to pay to get into, then pay those retarded inflated movie theatre prices for food. I can honestly say I did it once. And I didn’t go see the movie.
12.05.08 at 10:43 pm
^^^^^^^Ooooooh, someone’s in the advertising biz. It must be Darren Stevens.^^^^^^^
12.05.08 at 11:40 pm
NIGGARDS FTW
12.06.08 at 1:31 am
you’ll never eat a burger again http://www.chooseveg.com/animal-cruelty.asp
12.06.08 at 8:03 am
bill you vegan fag, just for that I’m gonna literally eat twice as many burgers for one month.
Their deaths are on your shoulders.
12.06.08 at 1:06 pm
bill u fucking dumbass bk is the only chain that has veggie burgers.but still no floats. FAGGOTS.
12.07.08 at 5:07 pm
last year there was a study by the heart and stroke foundation that showed burger king had dramatically worse levels of trans fats compared to mcdonalds and kfc
not sure if they’ve made an improvement lately.. but it’s probably best to stay away from all of that junk… i don’t know about you but if i ate a whopper at 2am, i’d wake up feeling like a greasy sack of shit. treat your body with respect… eat something healthy
12.07.08 at 8:34 pm
disregard that, I suck cocks.
12.08.08 at 12:41 am
Living in North Carolina, I rarely eat fast food burgers (it’s all about the chicken joints down here) but we have Cook Out, a local chain that has off the hook burgers, fresh cut fries, and at least 40 flavors of shakes, including seasonal specials like watermelon. Damn goodness. I don’t think they exist anywhere except NC so you fucks are SOL.
But still, I usually go to the spot that has a KFC across the street from Church’s next to Biscuitville…and then I go to Bojangles for my chicken biscuit.
12.08.08 at 5:19 pm
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12.17.08 at 1:47 pm