Last year Chloë was totally doing an interview with some stupid magazine that I forget the name of and they were like, “A lot of celebrities are doing fashion lines these days. Are you thinking of doing one?” And she’s all, “I don’t know. Maybe. If I did do one it would be with Opening Ceremony because they’re my friends.” Then Humberto and Carol from O.C. read it and they’re like, “Oh my gawd!” and they totally go over to her and go, “Do you want to do a clothing line with us like you said in that magazine?” And she’s all “Duh, you guys.”

Okay, no more writing like that. If you do more than a paragraph in Valley Girl talk it goes from goofing off to facetious sarcasm. The remainder of this post is in serious man-talk:

So they got started. Only problem was Chloë draws about as well as the guy from Weekend at Bernie’s if someone sat on his hands. She knew in her head what she wanted it to look like but getting it out was going to be a little trickier than just triggering her gag reflex (and that’s not even getting stuff out of your head – barf comes out of your stomach – it just goes THROUGH your head).

Humberto had a solution: “Go through these magazines and draw the dress (or shoes

or hat) on whatever pictures you want.” So Chloë grabbed a Sharpie and attacked a bunch of magazines and OC took the drawings and made them into this.

(Chloë attacking a baby)

We went there for the premiere or the launch or whatever you call it and said hello. First thing we noticed was all the bare backs.

(Lesley’s “Check it” pose)

I asked Chloë, “What’s with all the bare backs? What are fat chicks with huge tits supposed to do?” She suggested they go bra-less but I kind of got the vibe fat chicks with huge tits weren’t really invited. Not that she’s a snobby cunt who only thinks 10-year-old boys are pretty. The models were all her pals like Carrie Imberman and Lesley Arfin and Lizzie Bougatsos, and Alana Gabin and that hot brunette chick that’s always around and Winnie and that red-haired chick form the Ryan McGinley photo but if you look at all their tits none of them are really jugular. Chloë probably has the biggest melons of the bunch.

(Lesley doing her catwalk at 45?)

(Carrie doing the pony kick)

Oh yeah, one more thing…

(Ben yelling “What are you going to do BLOG THIS?” before smashing my camera).

Ben Cho showed up towards the end of the event and was obviously drunk out of his mind. He said Chloë was an “amateur” and started leaning forward into the clothing racks. Once security realized he was pissing, they grabbed him by the shoulders and said he had to leave. Ben then grabbed some hair spray and used it to light three cardigans on fire (cost of damage was over $3,000). This is someone who purports to be her friend. As security rushed to put the fire out, Ben grabbed Umberto, threw him through the front window and screamed. “This isn’t a LINE it’s a LIE!!!” This hysterical behavior continued until the cops showed up and wrestled him to the ground using pepper spray. Lesley ran up to him crying as he was escorted to the police car and asked him what the fuck? His only response was a pathetic attempt to bite her. It was a very sad ending to an otherwise great evening.

Related posts:

1. HALLOWEEN COSTUME CONTEST: RUNNERS UP
2. MAN GAGA
3. GUYS’ NIGHT: BARRED FROM THE TITTY BAR