Quitting is something we don’t tolerate here. Every time one of our employees quits, we get into a time machine, travel back to ten minutes before they quit and fire their asses. It isn’t something we enjoy doing and operating a time machine is really fucking expensive, so we try to prevent this from happening by keeping our writers in line. And unfortunately, it’s time for some discipline.
Secret Probation: Jim Goad, Nick Diamonds
Jim, we know you had a brain tumor AND a baby this year but that’s not our problem. We’ve seen your tweets so we know you’re alive. Get back in the game or get in our Bad Books. Nick, WTF? I know commentators hurt your feelers but have you seen their posts?
Double Secret Probation: David Cross, Yoda, Sharky, Anne Margreet Honing, Jessica Delfino, Alex Hughes
Two posts in eleven months? What the fuck? We didn’t want to do this, but to prove we’re serious about this, you’ve been stricken from the Aboot page ’til further notice.
Super Duper Secret Probation: Kim Taylor Bennett, Yoda, Sam Metteer
Do you people even work here anymore? You know, you can’t keep from getting fired by just not showing up at work. You are all fired for quitting.
Whew, that was rough. Now on to more pleasant business: you may have noticed posts going up from weird people you’ve never heard of. These people are the opposite of fired. Our new contributors are officially known as…
Drew Grant
Drew sent us a message about contributing and has been dishing out advice on how to be/not be a skank ever since. Send her your own sexual queries at the email address below.
website: ASSME
e-mail: saradrewgrant@gmail.com
twitter
Valerie Ang
Val has been compiling 12 Neat Pics for awhile and pretty much showed us her tits. She’s a valuable asset here at Street Carnage and we don’t know what we’d do without her.
website: LIKE WHOA!
e-mail: 8b1tch@gmail.com
twitter
Arv
Arv is a saboteur sent to bring Street Carnage to its knees (literally and figuratively). He writes posts, edits the blog, and shoots Street Boners. We’re having INS look into where he came from.
website: Rough Draught
e-mail: toimpale@gmail.com
twitter
Jonny Makeup
Jonny Makeup offers the gay perspective that Street Carnage is so obviously lacking. Oh yeah, and Dov Charney is his Daddy.
website: Tell All
email: jonnymakeup@gmail.com
twitter
Peter Madsen
Peter is an airline brat who skateboards and speaks Spanish like a redneck, primarily because he lives in the Hispanic boonies (i.e. Bushwick). He likes asking people about their dicks, tricks, etc.
email: pfmadsen@gmail.com
Vincent Dermody
Vincent shoots tons of Street Boners and lives in China or Japan or some shit. Some place with tons of boners.
website: 2megapixels
email: dermody1@gmail.com
If you’d like to become one of us (one of us, one of us, one of us) let’s start slow with a Dear Street Carnage letter or a Street Boner submission and then graduate to Open Mic (we’re about to hire this chick) before we fully let you in. It’s hard for us to say goodbye so we don’t want to say hello until we know you’ll be with us forever. It’s like when someone builds a brick wall around themselves to keep out the pain, the fear and the hurt.
Contact is possible via the contact button under the logo.
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Yeah that thing by Lori was probably the best Open Mic, good choice. Drew’s advice is pretty hit and miss though.
06.01.09 at 12:26 pm
Yeah, seriously. I know the economy is rough and it’s hard to let go of the past, but we the readers need to look forward to reading something a bit more critical than 12 pics/Where should Arv go in Montreal/BN’s twitter banter.
06.01.09 at 12:26 pm
killer. will you fire Jen?
06.01.09 at 12:27 pm
I would like to welcome you to street carnage Drew Grant.
I would definately like to encourage you to post some more risque journalistic work while you’re here.
If I may suggest, some bondage threesome videos would be a excellent addition to your portfolio and a legacy to future scholars of your literary Masterworks.
Glad to have you with us!
And you other people too!
06.01.09 at 12:31 pm
Durrr. Officially unbookmarked. I don’t want to read anything from those people, except maybe Arv. Seriously, those other three are terrible.
06.01.09 at 12:59 pm
yup those are the teeth.
06.01.09 at 1:02 pm
you should give lance free reign of the place. i think thats the only way to go from here.
06.01.09 at 1:06 pm
What exactly happens when you “work” at street carnage? Do you get paid? Is there a dental plan?
06.01.09 at 1:25 pm
Fuck’s your beef, “Cap’n Fuzzfuzz”? I’ll pop your knee cap like the last walnut in an Ethiopian squirrel’s knothole.
06.01.09 at 1:46 pm
“Laugh now… because you clowns have been on double secret probation all semester.”
There is a little-known codicil in the Street Carnage Constitution which gives the founders unlimited power to preserve order in time of blog emergency.
06.01.09 at 3:00 pm
OLD MAN MEDLEY
The old man’s sitting there, his head bowed down
Every now and then he’ll take a look around
And his eyes reflect the memory-pain of years gone by
He can’t regain nostalgic dreams he’ll never see again
With trembling hands, he wipes a tear
Many fall like rain, there’s one for every year
And his life laid out so clearly now, life that’s brought death
So nearly now life once he clung to dearly now lets go
But spare a thought as you pass him by
Take a closer look and you’ll say
He’s our tomorrow, just as much as we are his yesterday
A lonely grave, and soon forgot
Only wind and leaves lament his mournful song
Yet they shout his epitaph out clear
For anyone who’s passing near
It names the person lying here as you
And you…and you…and you..
I am an old man living alone
My loved ones stuck me here in this nursing home
I’ve lost all usefulness
I want to die
I have them all the best years of my life
Then Maggie passed away, now I’ve got no wife
So kill me, young man, or hand me your knife
I want to die
My beautiful daughter says I get in the way
I depress her because I’m old and grey
She can’t stand to see the wrinkles in my skin
By golly, girl, you’re my only kin
I want to die
Like an old horse put out to pasture
Too old to be of any more use to it’s master
But when I lie in bed and I reminisce
I begin to think maybe this is best
I’m out of the way, not in anyone’s hair
And though I’m costing them money, I don’t care
I want to die
06.01.09 at 3:44 pm
who knew drew was so hot? can we see more pics just to be sure this isn’t a one-time deal?
06.01.09 at 3:48 pm
Hey anybody remember when I made some throwaway remark about roving gangs of juggalos? Apparently they really exist:
http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2009/06/01/when-juggalos-attack
06.01.09 at 6:33 pm
i don’t like you people.
06.01.09 at 6:55 pm
Vane$$a will post a whiney bitchy post out of jealousy of not having his/her name mentionned in 5.. 4..
06.01.09 at 7:08 pm
Keep Yoda
He’s a cutie
06.01.09 at 7:24 pm
Give it up, man. Vane$$a is never coming back. The joke ran its course. The bitch is dead. I heard she shot herself in the asshole because she was convinced that she had anal cancer a la Farrah Fawcett. Apparently, she trained her dog to pull the trigger.
06.01.09 at 8:02 pm
i like drew’s offerings, even when i disagree w/her opinion. she’s alright.
06.01.09 at 8:19 pm
that’s cool and I apperciate the offer but I prefer ppl being condescending and making fun of how lame I appear irl
06.01.09 at 10:10 pm
The thing he said about val is obviously trolling, as he knows everyone here hates her. I’m telling you people, start giving these dipshits compliments and they they will dissapear cuz it wont be fun anymore.
06.02.09 at 10:50 am
HIRE MEEEEEEEEE!!!!! I NEED MAS EUROS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
06.02.09 at 1:08 pm
[...] say you got fired. Total drag, sure, but wouldn’t things be a lot worse if you were this guy: Its summer time now, [...]
06.02.09 at 1:32 pm
i miss sam. when does he get back from mining blood diamonds or wherever the fuck he went?
06.03.09 at 6:30 pm