You know what’s really great about women now? Their confidence levels have gone up by 1000 percent. Gone are the days when women would use self-loathing and bulimia to gain the perfect figure and hopefully, the perfect guy. Sure, you still get girls that flick through fashion magazines and blogs and feel self-conscious and ugly, but they’re the ones who are easily manipulated. Most girls don’t give a fuck about that stuff anymore. There’s a new breed of woman who prides themselves on being a “five and a half or below.” Unlike eights, their selling point isn’t their face or big tits -– even though many do have great boobs or near-perfect asses — it’s their confidence. When they walk into a room, you don’t even see their awkward noses, lopsided smiles, or lazy eyes. Wanna know why? It’s because their confidence is so big, you’re fucking blinded by it. They make lots of money, drive fast cars, become celebrities — anything to make you forget their features.
Look at that five that just walked into the room. She’s talking to you, cracking jokes about your kicks, making you feel insecure, and you’re taking it. Right now, you should be ripping into this five who dares to question your sense of style or physique, but you’re opening up your mouth and nothing’s coming out. She’s got you under her cocky-spell. You don’t even know why — well, you think you don’t. In the back of your mind you know that she’s amazing in the sack and she can give you the best dick-sucking of your entire life. She’s not dumb; she knows she’s a five, so she needs a hook. And that’s the hook: her vagina.
Here are some of my favorite cocky fives who have amazing vaginas:
GEORGIA JAGGER
Take off the make up and her Dad and the hype, and you’re left with a six, at best. A six who will make your penis feel like all the gold bars in Mohammed Al Fayed’s secret gold-plated safe which only opens with a special key made of porn-stars.
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ANNA PAQUIN
Combine her sexual prowess and the fact that’s she’s in a hit show, and those weird teeth and bird-like features just turned into a big sack of “hubba-hubba.”
—
BUFFY THE BODY
See, I warned you about these fives. They’re smart. This one didn’t even want to hide her hook. She changed her surname to “The Body” just to let you know exactly what you’re getting into. She may as well have called herself “Buffy The Pleasure Pit” or “Buffy The Perfect Pussy.”
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SNOOKIE
She’s a midget. And she’s orange. But dammit, I’d punch her pussy with my dick over and over and over again. Come film me doing that, MTV!
—
TI’S WIFE
TI is a handsome guy. And he’s loaded. He could have any girl in the world and make her sleep with an equally attractive woman while he watches them. Handsome, rich guys just got it like that. Which makes you wonder why his woman (on the left) looks like she has Down’s syndrome. It’s all in the Vagina, people.
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Jagger and Paquin, hubba hubba! I love those fucking mouths. I’d be careful what you say about T.I.’s wife though, she looks like she’d be loud and confrontational on the subway.
01.07.10 at 10:27 am
Yeah I dated one of these once. not these in particular but she was swedish, flat as a board , had a blonde roomate who was 12 times hotter than her and didn’t seem to care. drove me absolutely nuts and she got all sorts of attention from (other)in demand gentlemen
01.07.10 at 10:53 am
I declare that droll!
01.07.10 at 10:53 am
The first two chicks have bulimia teeth. Oral health practitioners are often the first folks do recognize this disease.
01.07.10 at 10:54 am
Snookie looks like she’d suck the sheets up your arse… And maybe even right out your jap’s eye if you gave her a couple of lines of gak…
01.07.10 at 10:56 am
i havent even read the article yet but i laughed my ass off at the title/title pic combo. fucking hell! They should all thank tiger.
My old motto was why chase 8-10’s around all night when you could just fuck-a-five.
01.07.10 at 10:58 am
i wanna know my number
01.07.10 at 11:01 am
“Snookie looks like she’d suck the sheets up your arse…” hahahahahahahahaha
01.07.10 at 11:02 am
Lauren: your insecurity takes off at least two points.
01.07.10 at 11:15 am
Ah…Mick Jr and Anna are probably 7s. Buffie would be a 10 under the sheets and even above. WTF are you talking about???? Buffie is bangin beyond belief. Nowhere near a 5, homes.
01.07.10 at 11:22 am
“She’s got you under her cocky-spell” pause
And nah y’all, always try to do better. Don’t settle 4 mediocrity!
01.07.10 at 11:26 am
Bird lips.
01.07.10 at 11:31 am
this article really sucked, where did you get this guy (and his friends who comment underneath) collegehumor.com?
01.07.10 at 11:36 am
@Arv Rocks Little Boyz
true yet, my ego tacks on 4+. quite the pickle.
01.07.10 at 11:39 am
lol at georgia jagger being a ‘5′, as iiiiif.
01.07.10 at 11:42 am
Anna Paquin ?! Shes at least a 9. I’m not sure who Snookie is, but that cake bake is about a 2-3 at best. Also, most rapper’s wives are ugly. They either married them or got them preggers before they were famous. I’d always spot them trundling around in the background on Cribs and be like “Surely Lil’Wayne can do better than that!”
01.07.10 at 11:57 am
yessssssssssssss
more like this please
01.07.10 at 12:23 pm
Snooki would freak a man so hard, his dick would fall off.
01.07.10 at 12:48 pm
lmao @ Jay. Lil Wayne is a bad example though: total closet case.
01.07.10 at 1:09 pm
snookie has insecure that’s why she would fuck so hard do you even watch the show
01.07.10 at 1:37 pm
Anna Paquin was a 5, then she showed her weird ass tits in true blood.. yeeesh, now she’s about a 2. she shoulda kept it a mystery. her teeth are like a fence around a haunted house!
01.07.10 at 2:10 pm
I suspect that most ladies would rate the guy who wrote this as a 3 or lower.
01.07.10 at 3:22 pm
If i ever woke up next to a snookie i would shoot my dick off before the contamination spread to the rest of my body.
oh and uh “her teeth are like a fence around a haunted house!” hahaha
01.07.10 at 3:44 pm
i love that snookie.
01.07.10 at 4:11 pm
dude snoookie is totally a 4
01.07.10 at 4:44 pm
this is good. keep it up please.
01.07.10 at 4:52 pm
Snookie is like every dopey Italian girl across America. Shallow moron that puts out any chance she gets and then runs off to Mass the next morning with some guys dried up cum caking the inside of her thigh.
01.07.10 at 7:34 pm
^^which is why she’s as 10 as they come.
01.07.10 at 10:10 pm
Super Broker Says:
lmao @ Jay. Lil Wayne is a bad example though: total closet case.
When your that rich and tattoed everyones game really
01.07.10 at 10:52 pm
plus i’m pretty sure that was just homie love
01.07.10 at 10:52 pm
HOMO made me lol.
01.07.10 at 11:41 pm
I went through a phase when I liked these kind of girls…I thought other girls were weak. Then I realized these girls were most often pretty raunchy, and a lot of them had daddy issues that I got sick of dealing with. I grew up, I guess, and didn’t see feminine girls as being weak anymore. God bless classy girls…stay strong.
01.08.10 at 12:40 am
These are all babes….and I’m dating Abbey Lee Kershaw
01.08.10 at 1:06 am
Snooki is a 10+10×10!!! god I want her.
01.08.10 at 3:32 am
Snooki isn’t even on the scale. The scale is offended.
01.08.10 at 11:37 am
i only read this because i thought the title said Cock Fives are taking over the world.
01.08.10 at 2:10 pm
So gaps in the teeth deducts 5 points?
01.08.10 at 4:32 pm
Are you a closet homo? All your writing or lack of personality is way too fucking try hard.
01.11.10 at 12:17 am