Way back in 1999, before I was married BUT WHILE I WAS ENGAGED, I was a hiring manager at this shitty little engineering firm on the Lower East Side. The economy was fucking RULING and we were brazenly hiring like the Third Reich in ‘39. It was software, so 95% of the people I interviewed weighed over 200 pounds, and 100% had an affinity for Yodels and Starcraft. There were hardly ANY female applicants because fuckin’ duh.
Now, as a rule, the female software engineers that DO exist are fat and Russian and ugly with moles. Despite this, it was still a rush to get a chance to interview ANY female applicant because a) it happened so rarely, and b) you knew that each one had a vagina.
Each female candidate was less desirable than the last. BUT there was ONE Holy Christ, vision of nubile college beauty: petite Midwestern girl, long auburn hair in a ponytail, YOUNG. She had this little chiseled face with flawless skin, these big puppy dog eyes … I’ll cut to the chase: She was so fucking hot that I would’ve sucked her FATHER off while my parents played with his balls.
She came in wearing a little tan business suit. She was young as hell, just out of undergrad, and I could tell her suit was new and that she’d never worn it before. It looked fresh from the JC Penny clueless rack: never dry-cleaned or creased, new and nervous.
She shook my hand timidly and knew to make eye contact, though I could see how difficult it was for her. She had a TIGHT academic understanding of all the topics in the interview, and this extended to her knowledge of how to make pleasantries and be charming, though she was so young and inexperienced that it all came off as a theoretical adherence to the rules. She really was “going through the motions.” It was cute and impressive and endearing — I wanted to enter her very fucking hard.
After she passed the first part of her interview, we moved to my personal office, a TINY space where we huddled next to each other in front of a computer. I watched as she visited the ugly websites she had made, humbly walking me through the classroom code she had written in college.
Talk about a position of power: I sat stroking my proverbial beard and acting like the end-all-be-all authority on software, our company, Business, The World. I was the ultimate arbiter of her future.
She was able, just barely, to control the shaking of her hands, and as she pointed to the screen with her little fingers with those manicured nails, I did my best to look at her work and resist the magnetism of her little earlobes, her long shampooed hair, the nape of her neck …
My pants tightened and I was hesitant to shift in my seat for fear of calling focus to the tumescence that had begun to burden me. The power of control and attraction caused a swirl of potential energy like what one feels when standing near a roof, or a cliff, or behind a cop when his pistol sits unprotected in its holster:
Here is a moment where I have secret control. Here is a moment that could change everything.
“There’s just one more thing,” I might have said, rolling my Aeron chair backward and away from my desk. She would have looked at her shoes as I lifted her hand and positioned it onto my knee. She’d have looked to see that the door was locked, and then moved down onto the floor beside my chair. She would have put her hands on my belt, fumbling to loosen it, looking back toward the door, but never again meeting my eye. She’d reach her hand into my fly, through my boxer shorts, wrap her fingers and tightly press her palm against my manhood. When she tried to pull it out of my pants, she’d roughly scrape the head against my pants — “OH, sorry!” she’d say instinctively, but still wouldn’t look up at me.
She’d open her mouth and push her head all the way down into my lap. I’d hold her hair, feeling it between my fingers, breathing the scent of her shampoo, and filling her with my redness. A single stroke and I’d pump all my essence down her throat, pulsing like a wet dream, while she stayed on her knees and felt me go slowly soft inside her mouth.
Why didn’t I?
I didn’t want to get fired, I didn’t want to get sued, I didn’t want my fiancé to somehow find out; all the predictable reasons. Not because I didn’t want it — I was hard as a rock. Not because I morally gave a shit, but because I didn’t want to get caught.
But I was just a douchey hiring manager. What if you were in *charge* like David Letterman? He can’t be fired, and having his shill of a corporate shelter sued is ultimately inconsequential to his life of luxury.
Everyone gave Letterman props for the straightforward way in which he came out. I said he was my fucking hero. He diffused the scandal the way you wish Clinton had:
YEAH, I FUCKED THE BITCHES AND KILLED KEN STARR AND THE BLACKMAILERS AND ALL THE NIGGAS WHO TRIED TO FUCK ME FOR IT.
Epic.
In the end though, Letterman fucked up. Not because he fucked girls outside his marriage (nga plz), but for one simple reason: Because with his money, he should have been fucking whores.
This is what whores are for: They go away and they stay mum. Even Spitzer’s girl shut the fuck up until some third party douche outed them.
EVERY famous guy is fucking whores, and VERY few whores ever spill the beans.
Fucking interns and staff members is wrong for a few crucial reasons:
1) It alienates MALE staffers AND ugly girls who may be unable to fuck the boss in order to get ahead: This fact causes strife that is shitty for business and capitalism, though something like it happens at every company.
2) It really is a form of rape: A relationship between a boss and a subordinate can never truly be consensual. It’s like when Mackenzie Philips says she had a consensual relationship with her father — horseshit. There is no such thing. The power dynamics of FATHER/DAUGHTER are too complex to ever sustain a “consensual” romance. It’s like saying the Jonestown or Heaven’s Gate dudes killed themselves willingly — in reality, the power dynamics of their situation were too one-sided to allow that kind of choice to be called voluntary.
3) It makes it FAR more likely that the Letterman bitch will get caught: The alienation of individuals who don’t fuck the boss is very powerful. They know they’re getting cheated out of advancement or privileges, they’re bitter, and they’re far more likely to squeal than some “moral majority” douche going to the press or HR just because s/he suspects that her boss is fucking whores.
If you’re just out for pussy, the way guys pretend to be, fucking staffers is a lose-lose.
UNLESS, like a girl, you feel you need admiration, positive reinforcement, and a love-me-daddy thing; and that’s precisely what Letterman was after. That’s precisely what you’re after if you fuck your staff.
No one expects you to be able to stay married and fuck one girl for the rest of your life. Once you give your woman kids and a good home, even SHE’LL be willing to look the other way a bit when it comes to boning. Just don’t do it in a way that is going to get you busted and make her embarrassed.
Get your admiration and love and positive reinforcement from your wife and kids, your friends, the street carnage commenters — not from some random girls that you control.
Real men don’t need to take advantage of those girls and destroy their whole life’s ecosystem.
Real men don’t cause their wives embarrassment and pain.
Real men just fuck whores.
-BLOGNIGGER
Fuck whores on Twitter
Leave a Reply
Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.
STREET BONER 1288
Every time I’m about to give sandals a pass, I imagine Chucks on her and my dick becomes a pegacorn.
Bad Behavior has blocked 3609 access attempts in the last 7 days.
So true.
10.07.09 at 12:32 pm
that sucking the father off bit is richard pryors. give it back.
10.07.09 at 12:35 pm
damn you’re on a roll.
10.07.09 at 12:42 pm
I got wet from the erotic part. Really. I bet blognigger is great in bed
10.07.09 at 12:58 pm
I enjoyed this article, and yeah, Letterman should have fucked a whore instead, but the Letterman Bitch is a serial boss fucker. The first boss she fucked might have been a subordinate thing, but the second time was probably not.
10.07.09 at 1:05 pm
Y WON’T U MAKE THESE SHORTER!!! is it just too spite me? sum of us got shit ta do taday.
10.07.09 at 1:16 pm
your best yet. absolutely perfect.
10.07.09 at 1:21 pm
and i’d like to add the smart married women only fuck hot married with even more to lose than them.
10.07.09 at 1:24 pm
Decent. BN, you sound like a creepy old porn-addicted dad when you write about sex, which, I suppose is what you are. Good work.
10.07.09 at 1:52 pm
i love this fuckin guy
10.07.09 at 2:10 pm
hey black foucault, if you ever put a hand on me while you were interviewing me for a job i would grab your hand and put it on my dick and make you jerk me off and bust nuts on your open wounds and then you know who would have the power? GOD because only GOD has the power to tell me who i can and can’t fuck
10.07.09 at 2:19 pm
That beej would only be unethical if you hired her afterward
10.07.09 at 2:23 pm
I mostly agree with Blognig, but I don’t think that with letterman it was an ‘I need comfort’ thing. I think it was a ‘treat a normal chick like a whore’ thing. It’s fun to do and enormously gratifying to the ego. Unfortunately when you treat a semi-normal girl like a whore, sometimes they get pissed off. Or their boyfriends find out they have girlfriends with whore-like tendencies and they get pissed off. Either way you’re pissing somebody off and putting yourself in a position to get fucked (metaphorically).
10.07.09 at 2:36 pm
Amen.
10.07.09 at 2:38 pm
“No one expects you to be able to stay married and fuck one girl for the rest of your life.”
Actually, aside from Dan Savage lots of people expect this. Women mostly. Since they’re one half of the partnership we do have to work under those conditions. Might not be “correct” in the biological sense but it’s still real.
10.07.09 at 2:38 pm
Dude…
I don’t often disagree with you but…a whore? Fuck that!
I heard today that Letterman had his “intern” dressing up like cheerleaders and walking around naked ‘cept her Wake Forest jersey. IN HIS UPSTAIRS OFFICE.
That’s not cheating…that’s RULING! He knows it. She knows it. We know it. And his motherfucking wife knows it it.
Real men don’t fuck whores. Real men rule!
Bless.
10.07.09 at 2:39 pm
so wise.
10.07.09 at 2:53 pm
Ty, if that’s true I’m gonna shoot jizz on one wall and brains on the other
10.07.09 at 2:56 pm
@real ew – perhaps you should learn how to read faster (or just how to read, if your post is any indication).
10.07.09 at 3:23 pm
No whores. You can get busted by an undercover just as easily.
10.07.09 at 3:32 pm
Vegan Jules in now Watches Too Many Shitty Movies and Has Never Encountered a Prostitute Jules.
10.07.09 at 3:52 pm
Why are all the women Letterman hooks up with 5s or less? Shouldn’t someone with money and celebrity be banging 9s and 10s?
10.07.09 at 3:54 pm
wow. best ever maybe from you.
also – the bitches he fucked were ugly. that’s also stupid. him and clinton. jesus.
10.07.09 at 4:10 pm
H
10.07.09 at 4:21 pm
The only disappointing thing about this post is that it didn’t end up with BN molesting the young red head. I haven’t jacked off to erotic prose in a while and I was totally ready to get my ‘bate on.
10.07.09 at 4:24 pm
outstanding. thank you BN, you clearly have been shitting regularly.
10.07.09 at 4:27 pm
awesome
10.07.09 at 4:30 pm
BN, you’re just too fucking white. Listen to a real nigga(George Carlin) and live a little.
10.07.09 at 4:35 pm
Whores are gross. If I were a guy I would much rather have sex with a woman I knew was sleeping with no more than one or two guys at a time. More than that is pretty disgusting if you think about it. Then again, I’m a woman and I expect ’till death do us part’ type faithfulness so my thoughts probably don’t count on this subject.
10.07.09 at 4:48 pm
They always gotta bring me up! Besides I like them young and poor.
He definitely could’ve paid a high class whore and have her do the same thing. I wonder if they’ll stay together after this? Hm.
10.07.09 at 4:49 pm
‘my redness’ and ‘nape of her neck’…gross
10.07.09 at 5:17 pm
All Americas are whorrs, Dereck! Especially Letter Man and Bloggniger.
In a civelized countrry, Letter Man would be stonned or hung like Dafa! USA will continuing to be “losers’ like Obamma (socielist not COMMUNISUM!). You make too much importance to the telivison and the telivison celibrity. Not enough on surviving Chinna take over.
FROM Preck!
10.07.09 at 5:26 pm
what with the ugly threesome and this shit, sbtvc is up to some sex gutter shit today. where’s the alchemist turning this crap into gold?
10.07.09 at 5:35 pm
Fucking a ok
10.07.09 at 7:38 pm
CHURCH
10.07.09 at 8:21 pm
FAP FAP FAP ! ! !
10.07.09 at 8:28 pm
Best post of ALL time
10.07.09 at 8:36 pm
i think there are many men commenting on this blog who would happily suck on b.n.’s sweaty taint for a nice, shiny penny.
10.07.09 at 8:57 pm
Real men fuck whores, nice girls, awful broads, pretty dames, big girls, shut-ins, the cleaning staff, and wives.
If they can.
10.07.09 at 8:57 pm
And admit it, you high fived yourself for working “nape of her neck” in there.
You gonna find a way to use “apropos” in your next one over there So Crates?
10.07.09 at 9:00 pm
I hope you mean those really clean, classy whores. Ones with Liberal Arts degrees, professional photos and a driver.
Not the kind that will give your wife syphilis. Cause then she’ll know what’s up f’real – uh – man.
10.07.09 at 10:38 pm
A single stroke
10.08.09 at 1:01 am
“Once you give your woman kids and a good home, even SHE’LL be willing to look the other way”
Because us gals only care about monogamy, offspring, high heeled shoes and kitchen islands with granite countertops.
Go fuck yourself.
10.08.09 at 1:34 am
Bull on crucial reason 2. Spurn the advances of a superior, document, settle, maybe even get or keep the job anyways. And nowadays, escorts are aware of the cachet of a pristine reputation, so the profession itself has changed. A “high class” escort is a liability in how they can take down a Spitzer. Human trafficking allows these billionaires-with-something-to-lose access to ignorant slaves who never get to speak out, whether for extortion or to plea down.
10.08.09 at 3:17 am
@charizard
you fuck yourself. the kind of women that are attracted to super wealthy men ACTUALLY only care about high heeled shoes and granite countertop islands. they’re called TROPHY WIVES. get real.
10.08.09 at 10:26 am
Too fucking true BN. Thanks for the reality check.
10.08.09 at 1:16 pm
The first goddamned interesting thing Ty has ever said.
10.08.09 at 1:46 pm
Sometimes you’re around these bitches so much that if you dont fuck them once u wont be able to function.
10.11.09 at 4:43 am
huzzah!
or… other married peeps so they stay quiet right?
10.14.09 at 12:19 am
The whore is the most under appreciated member of society and yet in some ways a very important one.
10.14.09 at 1:55 pm
What I realized from reading this article was why it was so easy for me to get hired by tech companies in the 90’s. Now there are too many females in the field. Too much competition.
10.21.09 at 2:42 pm