Back in the ’90s, Kathy Lee Gifford was always giving Howard Stern a hard time. Like most of A-list America in those Pathetically Correct years, she was a patronizing douche who couldn’t shut up about how obscene Howard was. He was racist, he was sexist, and her and her Regis and Kathy-Lee housewife audience was above it all. Same old shtick: she supported wholesome family values, and Howard Stern was the antichrist.
WELL in 1997, Frank Gifford, Kathy Lee’s Clark Gable NFL Royalty husband was caught banging some little TWA stewardess in a hotel room – right in the ass!
After the media broke the story, Howard came into work the next morning like a fucking kid in a candy store – I’ve never heard him so happy. The whole show that day was his crew just celebrating their good fortune: Frank’s hypocritical actions had given Howard a CORNUCOPIA of mouth-watering, vengeful comedic fruit, which they juiced exuberantly during that 4 hour show.
Hours into the fiesta, after the crew was stuffed like wolves around piggie carcasses, someone had an ingenious idea: Adultery was a crime in New York State – why don’t they call the police and file a criminal complaint against Frank Gifford; send him to jail!
They made the phone call. When the precinct receptionist heard the name Howard Stern and heard that they were on the air, she did the right thing: she went and got her boss.
When her boss heard Howard’s complaint, he went and got his boss – and so on and so on right on up the chain, with Howard waiting on hold and the whole audience giddy with tension and excitement.
Finally some bigwig at the station got on the phone and said “Ok, how can I help you Mr. Stern?”
“Adultery is a crime, Frank Gifford has CONFESSED to it, and I want to file a complaint: I DEMAND that action be taken against him – OR – I would like an explanation as to why some criminals get special treatment. Is he above the law?”
Even the bigwig put Howard on hold.
I don’t know what the police chief was doing, but it sure seemed like they were keeping him on hold while they figured out what the fuck to do.
When the chief came back to the phone, he had an answer prepared. He didn’t hang up on Howard, he didn’t say “If you’re serious about this, please contact us off the air and we can discuss the matter further.”
Nope.
I’ll always remember what the chief said: “We can’t arrest Frank Gifford for Adultery: It’s unconstitutional.”
Howard flew into a rage, explaining that it’s not the POLICE’S role to decide the constitutionality of a law. The cop was dumbfounded.
Whenever I think about The Police, I think of that incident, and of the cluelessness of the Chief’s statement over the most popular syndicated radio talk show in America: Unconstitutional?? That’s about three judicial tiers away from being anything close to his business!
This guy not only didn’t have a clue about how his organization fit into our legal system, but he probably couldn’t name the three branches of government!
Meritocracy? Nah; his ignorance doesn’t affect reality or matter one iota: it’s all a big game – and possession is 9/10ths of the law. Cops possess the right to carry a gun and the right to arrest – so they’re the ones who make the goddamn rules – period.
There are NO practical checks and balances to keep cops in their legal place – for every Abner Louima internal affairs scandal that brings a corrupt officer to justice, there are literally a million incidents of cops doing whatever the fuck they want; they don’t give a fuck about rules because there’s always ways around ‘em – and in some cases, they don’t even know what the rules are.
My father knew this reality, and so he taught me an important lesson – it’s subtle:
ALWAYS SUCK THE POLICE’S BALLS AS HARD AS YOU CAN.
Use yes sir, no sir, thank you sir because the police can do whatever they want at all times.
This approach has served me well in a number of different run-ins with the police – whether I was writing graffiti which was illegal, or Driving While Black which wasn’t. Fictional prision-rape short stories aside, I’ve never been fucked up by police or even arrested because I always suck their balls so goddamn well.
From where I’m sitting, it doesn’t look like Skip Gates embraces this chicken-shit strategy- so what happened to him was wrong but predictable, and it could have been avoided.
Of course cops are racist because everyone’s racist – it is IMPOSSIBLE for a white cop to have seen Skip Gates breaking into his own house and not consider race, if only subconsciously. When a white man sees a black man, there’s a reaction, period. It’s a physical and chemical certainty PROVABLE by hard neuroscience.
So yes, America is racist and blacks have it worse – but more importantly, cops are frightening in general because they can do whatever they want.
Sometimes they do incredible shit and rush into burning towers and save hostages and kittens – and we need them big time. But the fact is, you can’t assemble a big group of tough testosterone guys with guns and avoid the lawless masculine clusterfuck that’s gonna ensue. The bonds of this badboy gang are stronger than race, as we can tell by the statements of the black cop who participated in Skip Gates’ arrest.
This sucks shit, and it pisses me off, but the rules are the rules and the cops make ‘em. I don’t think the revolution is coming for the time being, so I plan on teaching my kids the same damn rule my dad taught me: practice on a lemon, carry a tic-tac, and when you get pulled over because you’re black or speeding, pucker up and get ready for some serious suckin’.
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STREET BONER 1288
Every time I’m about to give sandals a pass, I imagine Chucks on her and my dick becomes a pegacorn.
Bad Behavior has blocked 3610 access attempts in the last 7 days.
this goes for whities too. just saying.
07.29.09 at 1:51 pm
Well, why did Denzel die at the end of Training Day then? Huh?
07.29.09 at 2:07 pm
^ it does go for whites as well.
I’ve been practicing BlogNigger’s strategy my whole life. It’s saved me numerous times. I’ve got a couple friends who love acting all tough when cops come around and it’s always ended bad for them. But not me, I treat them like pit bulls and don’t make eye contact.
07.29.09 at 2:08 pm
hey same goes true for white people too. I’m always super-respectful to cops even though I can’t stand most of em. Saying “yes officer” “no officer” without a hint of sarcasm will get you out of a lot of shit. Trust me on that.
07.29.09 at 2:09 pm
Agree – it’s really true. Black or speeding, just kiss ass.
07.29.09 at 2:36 pm
So you think I should have kissed the cops ass in my own home? fuck you “brotha”
07.29.09 at 2:47 pm
hilarious but chickenshit is the right word. get up stand up!
07.29.09 at 3:26 pm
as someone who cops in my family … its not really “ALWAYS SUCK THE POLICE’S BALLS AS HARD AS YOU CAN.” … its more like they are dealing with lawless scum and can see through your hip little P1 as fast as a Van Helsing discredits Hot Topic … they have seen it all and will let you understand this if you are being dense … act like a 5 year old kid who got his hand caught in the cookie jar, and be as civil as humanly possible … they probably already think you are retarded for getting caught at whatever it is you are getting in trouble for and all they need is one reason to get angry. In short, you know how retarded people are super nice to everyone all the time but don’t really know what is going on and can be scared by loud noises … be a nice retarded man to the police, do not try to be a drunken Colin Farrell.
07.29.09 at 3:29 pm
the all caps ‘WELL’. very clever.
07.29.09 at 3:46 pm
OK. I hear you, Blognigger. Same message I learned from my pops. And what he learned from his. but enough ball sucking (even if they are smooth as eggs) already.
FUCK IT! I’m siding with Skip Gates in this case and this is why I cared so much and was so deeply affected by this story (just ask Berkelee Carroll). I’m 43 and am well past the ball sucking stage. I’ll be able to bail myself out. And I have health insurance. Prof. Gates is what, mid-60s? Good for him for NOT BEING A FUCKING PUSSY anymore. He didn’t do shit wrong and everybody knows it else charges would not have been dropped. Period.
I’m the black guy in my upper-class neighborhood. Like Prof. Gates I’m smart, self-sufficient, and self-righteous. I’m not sucking no fuckin’ cop balls in my neighborhood, in my house, etc. Put me in some other situations and I reserve ball sucking rights (as Big Dave Wave can attest to when we got rousted by LAPD’s finest in Westwood), we all have that choice. But in my home? I’m going to myself.
Fuck it. I’m going to be Skip Gates. I’m already ready for the beating. I was born with the skin color that makes me inherently ready for the beating. The cops already slow down to eyeball me closely when I’m walking down my own damn street with my own damn Whole Foods organic shit and I’ve lived here for 9 years. I’m ready for the beating that follows, “Why do you need to see my ID, officer? In fact, what brings YOU to MY neighborhood? May I please have your name and badge number?”
Haughty? Hardly. American. Haughty half-black Jew American but American nontheless. Sick of pulling ball hair from between my teeth.
This is the New America: no ball sucking required.
07.29.09 at 4:18 pm
i got stopped by the cops in london for suspicion of having drugs – area i was in i guess. I had weed on me and I told them about it, fuckng handed it to them. was way respectful to. they had me push it down a storm drain and go on my merry way. it was europe but still – fucking with cops never gets you anywhere.
on the other hand, i got stopped at a checkpoint in DC and threatened with arrest for not having my license on me. i got mouthy – saying blah blah check your records i am a licensed driver etc. that black cop handcuffed me and i spent the night in a precinct in NE DC w/ dopesick people etc. no fun.
blognigger’s right.
07.29.09 at 4:25 pm
Meh, Dr. Fate, eat a pile a dicks. Just cause you have police in your family doesn’t make you a fuckin deputy. take your wisdom and go.
07.29.09 at 5:07 pm
i concur with BN and can safely say that sucking the officer’s dick nohomo after being pulled over for speeding, out of state, with a suspended license and being let off for charming the pants off of him was a far better result than that time i ran from the cops on broadway then attempted to fight them upon capture. i received a concussion from having my head smashed into the street and subsequently got a 200 pound knee shoved in the back of my skull, followed by a weekend in the tombs with a bloody face that no one bothered to tell me about even during my mugshot. while this may have ingratiated me with the scary black contingent in bookings it certainly didn’t help me when i finally got to the stand. stop snitching.
07.29.09 at 5:13 pm
“So yes, America is racist and blacks have it worse – but more importantly, cops are frightening in general because they can do whatever they want.”
Just replace “America” with “The entire fucking planet”. Best BN post ever.
07.29.09 at 5:15 pm
It’s funny because this is so obvious, but apparently people still need to be told. Especially if a scholar nigga like Gates doesn’t know how shit works in this country, you can be sure the mouth breathers that read this site really don’t know anything.
Also RIP to Shem Walker who probably knew this but unfortunately the pig posing as a drug dealer on his stoop didn’t identify himself as pull-ice before clapping.
07.29.09 at 5:27 pm
EXACTTLY the problem with American. No resppect fo defferenc to AUTHORITY! Police should control all situation of peoples.
You must obeying or face consaquence.
From preck!
07.29.09 at 5:52 pm
Go away, Dr. Fate. I have never encountered a cop who actually knew what I was up to. I have encountered many law enforcement officials who assumed they did. I have cops in my family too; they are generally considered to be the dumbest people in the clan. I’m not saying there aren’t smart cops, but there are a lot more who put on a show of knowing what you’re about, when actually, they don’t know shit. It’s cute that they try, though.
07.29.09 at 6:38 pm
Don’t sussmouth the cops or you’ll end up driving to your own booking like Paul Michael Mercurio.
07.29.09 at 7:18 pm
So even if you are doing absolutely nothing illegal and the cops detain you and start giving you shit just because “they’re the ones who make the goddamn rules” you should just roll over and take it like a good little puppy because, hey, that’s just the way it goes, right? Perhaps this guy’s family would be very appreciative of such helpful advice:
http://www.al.com/news/press-register/metro.ssf?/base/news/124877253351170.xml&coll=3
07.29.09 at 7:19 pm
You don’t prove things in science, you demonstrate them, or show them.
I agree with BN to the extent that cops are jock fuckstains who will taser you for skateboarding, but also fuck with drug dealers and terrorists. It’s depressing. I spent a long and expensive period of my life going through the system after being pulled out of a car illegally, then coerced into showing the cop which drugs were on me. Fortunately, I sucked dick enough to get off pretty easy (for that night), but it doesn’t take away from the fact that he broke the law to bust me. For once I have to agree with BN, which, for me, is more depressing than cops being a necessary evil.
07.29.09 at 7:23 pm
Another tip: always try to make the police feel sorry for you. If possible, you are being bullied etc. They love the opportunity to save a nigger, and thus, only give you a warning for drunk driving.
07.29.09 at 8:18 pm
Preck is the best!
07.29.09 at 8:21 pm
While this is a compelling argument for pussydom, remember if a cop fucks with you, DOCUMENT EVERYTHING and take it to one of those shitty inquiry things. If nothing else you’ll make them think twice the next time while they sit through shitty anger management classes or whatever. No point trying to be a hero on the scene.
Have you ever seen cops hanging around outside of work? I saw a bunch of them at a hotel pool once, while they were at some policeman’s convention. They took turns ganging up on each other, swarming in groups to throw one of them into the pool. It was kind of scary to see their exact same mentality even when they were just chilling out, at heart they’re monkeys who love to overpower others in groups.
07.29.09 at 8:45 pm
and yah, if this Harvard professor had just chilled the fuck out there’s no way he would have ended up in handcuffs.
07.29.09 at 8:46 pm
no kidding. and homeboy was breaking into his own house. what the fuck was 5-O supposed to think? “Don’t worry officer, this i my abode.” Sheee-it. Every nigger probably says that.
07.29.09 at 8:55 pm
Todd is a fucking nerd and a bad one at that. You DO prove thing in science, retard – ever hear of a fucking PROOF?
Melvin.
07.29.09 at 9:02 pm
Bonus tip: The correct way to suck a State Trooper’s balls, is to NEVER call them officer. Fuck no. You call them Trooper. Yes Trooper Sir. No Trooper Sir. I know I am wrong and I will cooperate with you fully Trooper Sir.
The reason is because State Troopers spend more time in both school and training to reach the level of Trooper.
I always thought of them as Gestapo. You want mercy.
07.29.09 at 9:57 pm
Howard stern is so fucking awesome. I remember that episode quite clearly. BN, you need a white “Robin”
07.29.09 at 9:59 pm
i got mixed feelings on this one, biggest problem is the vagueness of what disordely conduct means,that should be looked into on a federal leval and some exact standards should be applied,if its not threatening anyone or impeding the police from protecting people in the vacininty,they got to walk away.1- the guy was seen breaking into his home,who the fuck knows who he is and 2-they called him out of his house cause its standard procedure if someone is around the corner in his house with a machete.3- the cops didnt see him breaking in,some woman did. this shit is about 2 people getting pissed off,they should get hookers and drugs at the white house instead of beer,that ill chill em all out,true we all see race,thats not gonna change for a few generations,if all our pockets are on the same playing field well enter the next leval of civilization
07.29.09 at 10:48 pm
The same principle applies to getting tazed; people get all “What are you arresting me for? You can’t do this!” and while they may be justified in questioning the grounds of their arrest, once a cop decides to arrest you for whatever reason, you’re getting arrested. It’s total bullshit, but struggling is just going to get you electrocuted.
07.29.09 at 10:51 pm
I’ve been pulled over 3 times with a weed pipe still simmering in my hand; one of them I was also drunk, and another I was also on acid. The pure shit-faced terror look and humility works every time like a Jedi mind trick – they live for that. Just embrace the sheer terror, and it all works out. oy, unless you’re black, OF COARSE.
07.30.09 at 1:37 am
Disclaimer: I’m not talking about people who are caught breaking the law. You should suck as hard as possible for a shred of mercy…
If you are NOT breaking any laws, sucking dick is only giving the cops and their horrible system positive reinforcement. You should stop being so lazy and learn YOUR RIGHTS so that you can handle police officers tactfully and legally. You don’t have to become a lawyer to avoid sucking cop dick. They want to keep their jobs and not look like an idiot to their boss when they bring you in for nothing (even though they can and still might). There are simple scripts to follow that will get you out of most encounters. The last thing that cop wants to do is show up in front of a judge when you take them to court!!!
You people just want to take the easy way out because it takes work and sacrifice to fight the system. FUCK YOU! If you pay taxes, cops are your employees. You’re making it worse for everyone by being lazy and uneducated cock-suckers. People died for your rights, now “We gotta take the power back!”
07.30.09 at 1:43 am
But yeah, if you’re doing something wrong, cry a little bit.
07.30.09 at 1:45 am
At the end of the day:
This cop looks like an idiot to the whole world, I get to rub it in again while drinking (or not) with the prez, and I get to sell WAAAAAAY more books this year.
Was it worth it?
07.30.09 at 1:58 am
“Whenever I think about…that incident, and of the cluelessness of the…statement ….Unconstitutional?? That’s about 3 JUDICIAL TIERS AWAY FROM BEING ANYTHING CLOSE TO HIS BUSINESS!”
“This sucks shit, and it pisses me off, but the rules are the rules and THE COPS MAKE ‘EM. ”
superfluous tired complaining is all, impotent bitching with a wry smile is all
07.30.09 at 4:12 am
THEY ENFORCE THE ‘RULES’
07.30.09 at 4:13 am
You can really tell who the 18-year-old commenters are…the guys who say:
“You should stop being so lazy and learn YOUR RIGHTS so that you can handle police officers tactfully and legally.”
Yeah, that’ll end well. Come back after you try this and spend a night in the aids clink. rtfp
07.30.09 at 7:58 am
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
cunty is so right. whenever i tell my naive-ass never been pulled over friends about getting popped in DC for trees they get all “oh why didnt you just refuse a search.” yea jackasses, if you try to get all ACLU on their ass you. will. get. fucked. they literally will do whatever they want.
07.30.09 at 9:26 am
my boy frank-the-tank gets pretty fucked up. He once fell asleep at a red light and woke up to a cop tapping on his window. Franks got a real gnarly boston accent so when he spoke, I guess the officer thought he was a retarded. The cop had him park his car and made a cab give him a ride home back to waltham.
07.30.09 at 10:00 am
“Listen officer, all due respect, but I know my rights. I am REFUSING a search, and I’d like a lawyer present if there are any further items you wish to discuss at this time.”
Go try that, mr “Learn your rights”
The cop will
1. Laugh
2. Get his friends to laugh
3. Call back up to laugh
4. Sodomize you
5. Shoot you in the chest
6. Stab himself in the arm and put the knife in your hand
7. Win
There’s your justice.
07.30.09 at 10:44 am
“Whenever I think about…that incident, and of the cluelessness of the…statement ….Unconstitutional?? That’s about 3 JUDICIAL TIERS AWAY FROM BEING ANYTHING CLOSE TO HIS BUSINESS!”
Ummm, it’s exactly his business, as the Supreme Court has determined that many such antiquated laws (sodomy, adultery, etc.) are unconstitutional for the executive branch (i.e. the cops) to enforce. I understand you’re trying to make a larger (if not painfully obvious to anyone over 10) point, but if you think the cops are in any way tied to the judicial branch (as the above quote suggests), maybe you should go back to 9th grade civics. The adultery statutes have been declared unconstituional to enforce, the cop said he couldn’t enforce the law b/c it is unconstitutional…….what don’t you understand?? This is like saying a cop doesn’t need a reasonable articulable suspicion to perform a Terry stop (i.e. search for a weapon if he/she feels their life is in danger), b/c Terry v. Ohio is about 3 judicial tiers away from his/her business. Whaaaaaaaaa?
07.30.09 at 11:20 am
what if the cop’s a fag?
07.30.09 at 11:36 am
This is horseshit BlogN. Go to 1 Police Plaza and book a ride-a-long with a cop. They’ll give you any precinct you want and it usually gets set up within 5 days, free. When you spend a shift with a cop you learn two very important lessons about their job: 1- all they do is clean up after idiot liars and deal with their fucking bullshit and 2- all they do is fill out forms and worry about all the stupid gay rules they have to follow.
They may have been Bad Lieutenants back in Dinkins days but cops today, at least in New York, are basically Amish.
07.30.09 at 11:39 am
Nobody in the world thinks Skip committed any real crime. Just like nobody thinks those white hipsters in Willsburg on Election Day committed any crime. The disorderly conduct charge exists for people who are mouthing off but haven’t really done anything.
The question always comes down to this: should cops have the discretion to arrest someone who’s shouting at them or calling them asshole? Anyone who’s not an anarchist or an idiot has to say yes. Why? Because if they didn’t have that discretion, then every cop in the country would get shouted off the streets by virtually everyone, and shit would blow up all over the place.
07.30.09 at 12:20 pm
holla @ filthy
When the people fear their government, there is tyranny; when the government fears the people, there is liberty.
07.30.09 at 2:53 pm
Just to clarify. Be respectful, but you still can own your rights. I have respectfully refused a search in my car before and nothing happened. You should ALWAYS refuse a search even if you are sure there is nothing in your car, are you positive that none of your friends dropped something in there? I once found a bag of coke under a seat that had been there for months that I had no idea about…
07.30.09 at 4:14 pm
Bullshit! How would sucking it work on BN’s supposed “lawless masculine clusterfuck” cops?
If BJs work, and they might, its because the officer on the receiving end is a fucking sweetheart! A cop who knows the kid did something illegal, but chooses to accept visible remorse (a frightened, slobbery blowjob) as reason enough to ignore the law. For this, the kid needs to actually look remorseful, which is easy for middle class kids with a lot to lose.
Poor kids have too little too lose, and rich kids can’t lose, so they both risk come over like Cartman’s “I am very remorsefulness,”
ps. In Moscow, where the tag “lawless masculine clusterfuck” makes sense, blowing cops is just a way of informing them that they can make you bend over.
07.30.09 at 9:07 pm
Cops are really good at exponentiating any guff you give them. That isn’t to say you can’t politely own your rights, but don’t talk shit unless you plan to shoot them next.
07.30.09 at 11:41 pm
There are real hard entrance requirements to become a cop. I mean, you wouldn’t want just anybody out there on the streets with all that power.
07.30.09 at 11:56 pm
When I was in high school, I would skip school to listen to Howard for the entire show’s 4 hours in bed. I didn’t listen to the one that BN is referring to though. I miss those days.
07.31.09 at 2:39 am
By the way, I thought BN’s advice was common knowledge. Who is stupid enough to act a fool towards somebody with a gun, taser, etc.?
07.31.09 at 2:40 am
It took you a while, BN, but you totally just figured out the best fringe benefit of being white — getting to act however the fuck we want to cops, and their having to simply sit back and take it.
I’m not insensitive, though. I like to break the ice with black cops by saying “You are a dead ringer for [insert applicable African American celebrity's name here].” I think it’s a classy touch.
07.31.09 at 10:57 pm
knowing the rules doesn’t make you not racist. prezbo shot a black cop and he knew all the damn rules!
08.10.09 at 2:00 am
I’ve been lucky with most of my cop encounters, having been lucky enough to be born snowball. On the other hand I dance poorly and only urinate in stalls at sporting events. I have relatives who are cops in Philly and the stories they tell for amusement about massive brutality and abuse are enough to make me wary of all cops everywhere. Once, at a wedding I was having a bad paranoid reaction to some drugs that I took to make the reception more interesting. It was all internal for the most part, but some cop buddy of a relative misinterpreted my aggressive paranoia as evidence I was a member of the fraternity in blue. He kept making cryptic references to violence and bad behavior and all I could do was make vague answer until I figured out what the fuck he was talking about. There’s a good story on this week’s This American Life podcast from Richard Price talking about cop stupidity involving stopping a black dude riding his gf’s white bastard home on a bike in the LES late one night.
08.10.09 at 1:03 pm
[...] has written an excellent piece on the Henry Louis Gates story and how to handle police, here. His common sense advice: ALWAYS SUCK THE POLICE’S BALLS AS HARD AS YOU CAN. Use yes sir, no [...]
09.13.09 at 5:50 pm
Adding this article to my bookmarks.
10.26.09 at 5:02 pm
When are you guys gunna stop pulling the race card and lowering yourself to the racial standard to wine and cry about it?
01.31.10 at 11:32 am
Keeping you updated on mortgage is the main intention of this article. So just read it to learn all you can about mortgage.
04.23.10 at 12:28 am