1. my boyfriend is really into roleplay, and his favorite scene is breaking into my apartment and forcing me to have sex with him. he is SUPER good at breaking in, and it scares the shit out of me. a) how can i tell him to stop doing this unannounced, and b) should i be worried that he’s actually breaking into other people’s apartments and raping them???

2. anal sex farts are super embarrassing. once we’re done, and cuddling, i’m always holding in some crazy hurricane-force winds. any tips?

3. my girlfriend still has a crush on scott peterson–something i thought would definitely fade once the dude was in jail. but, instead, she writes him letters and shit. i get it–he’s an attractive man–but does my gf have a death wish? couldn’t she be writing to christian bale or some shit?

4. the only way i can get hard is if my bladder’s full. but, i can’t always hold my piss in, hoping to get laid that night, can i?

5. my boyfriend wants me to stop bleaching my mustache, because he thinks that’ll lessen the chances that ill be ‘able to’ cheat on him. he’s an asshole, right?

6. i think of my mom giving birth to me every time i cum. what’s up?

7. i’m a virgin, but i’ve gotten an offer to star in a porno, for kind of a lot of money. i could really use the cash, but, won’t that definitely be a disaster?

Sincerely,
Gabe

Gabe,
Are you a gay man or just asking a bunch of questions you think people would ask?
Sincerely,
Drew

Drew,
Both.
Gabe

Gabe,
Fine. 1. If you guys were really into convincing role-play, you would have already stocked up on the Mace and tasers. Next time he comes in through your window, just lightly hit up a cattle-prod’s worth of electricity to his testicles and tell him the safe word is “rape.” Also, if he’s raping and burglarizing in other people’s houses it might make you feel used, but remember it’s your house he’s coming home to break into at the end of the night.

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