After hearing me complain about being a loser who will die alone, a friend directed me to sex columnist Dan Savage’s weekly call-in podcast for the lonely, confused, and kinky. It’s informative, yes, but also completely addictive. I just listened to 100 of them in 5 weeks, and I thought I’d save you 50 hours by sharing the 13 takeaway lessons that I learned, even though I’m still a loser who will probably die alone.

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1. Every snowflake is different so be good, giving, and game (GGG) with your lover. We all have cranks that need turning, even if that means letting your boyfriend get off by hitting you in the face with crème pies. You never know, that person could become your husband or whatever. Pie-fetishists are more common than you think.

2. Sex can be risky, but don’t be shit on… like, literally. It’s gross and there’s all sorts of bacteria and undigested corn and stuff. Watersports are condonable, just don’t forget your suit.

3. Butt Plugs don’t literally plug your butt so that poop doesn’t drip out. Straight or gay, give ‘em a try – they feel real good during orgasms.

4. Just fucking google it. Jesus, stop wasting my time with questions about your smelly discolored discharge.

5. Don’t Fake It! Maybe if his last girlfriend had been honest with him he wouldn’t be ruining your sex life now. It’s called karma; end the cycle of pain and you will be rewarded with Latin men who have just the right amount of body hair and body odeur.

6. Female sexuality is fluid, so if you’ve got an itch just scratch away. My roommate was in a 2-year lesbian relationship and is now getting more dick than me. I’m just saying.

7. People who identify as “active in the B.D.S.M. community” are often fugly.

8. Do condoms kill your stiffy? Try putting them on during foreplay. The temperature of the condom sometimes makes your dick limp, so you should use your fooling around time to re-pump the ol’ tire.

9. Allow some time and distance after a break-up and you too can be friends with your ex, even if his new partner is a barely legal trust funder who will NEVER LOVE HIM LIKE YOU LOVED HIM.

10. If you think you’re ready for polyamory or barebacking with your significant other, wait a few more years just to be certain that your wife isn’t clingy or that your husband isn’t on the down-low. Divorce courts and free clinics equally suck.

11. Hey homo and unhappily married spouse, just ‘cause you CAN have sex doesn’t mean you SHOULD have sex.

12. If you’re not financially reliant on your parents, then just come out of the closet or go on birth control or marry that douchebag that they hate. If they have a problem with you, just tell them to eat a bag of dicks.

13. You’re young, so stop bitching and go get laid. Who wants pie?

- Ryan Creed

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