It’s fun to be contrarian and say you hate the Beatles and Mondays are actually more fun than Fridays but when hundreds of thousands of people throughout the entire world are crying for joy because America chose the politics and ideas of a young Black Democrat over the war-mongering cultural conservatism of another old white Republican and his borderline retarded running mate, you come across as little more than an angry old man shaking his fist at the dancing teens and wishing them all to go to hell for their mindless joy.
Oh, and please let me know what grade John Stossel gets for his report on how Presidents say one thing on the campaign trail but (mostly because of our three branches of government and it’s “checks and balances”) he often doesn’t get to enact a lot of those promises. I know that some of the other kids will tease him after watching the report and say things like, “Yeah, no shit Sherlock!!”, or “No Duh!” but don’t let that get the better of him. He shows great promise and someday he’ll get to be a real reporter!
Love,
David Allen Cross
(Liberal Aries)
SEND YOUR LETTERS TO SBTVC (at) STREETCARNAGE (dot) COM
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But, what if I really don’t like the Beatles?
11.06.08 at 3:07 pm
I don’t like The Beatles, either. Not everyone does.
But I agree with the letter’s premise: The only way to achieve “authenticity” these days is to be a shrill, homely, bald Jew well into his forties—who constantly acts like the Southern jocks of his youth are going to beat him up again—to act as if he’s down with “youth culture.”
11.06.08 at 3:15 pm
Gavin just got served.
11.06.08 at 3:20 pm
No matter how cynical you are, you have to admit it feels pretty good to have Obama as president.
11.06.08 at 3:21 pm
I like how David is looking to the future while Gavin ponders more beer.
11.06.08 at 3:23 pm
I’m just glad I can go on trips without being interrogated about Bush by every single European I meet.
11.06.08 at 3:24 pm
Did David just infer that he is a Beatles fan?
I’m crushed.
11.06.08 at 3:32 pm
Seriously, David Cross should write more articles on here. Down to earth, and funny — who’d have thought.
He just said in two paragraphs what 200 comments were trying to express.
David wins.
11.06.08 at 3:35 pm
I agree with everything else, but I do prefer Wings over Beatles.
11.06.08 at 3:38 pm
Not exactly that he’s a Beatles fan, just that if hundreds of thousands of people are saying something is good, chances are it’s probably not bad. There is some merrit to that idea, as much as you “authentic and original” hipsters would like to believe there isnt.
Did you see what I just did there? I put “authentic and original” in quotations because you all dress the same, listen to the same music, do the same drugs, do the same thing on weekends, blog about the same things, and bitch about the same things. Why? Because again, if hundreds of thousands of people are dressing that way, behaving that way, doing the same things on weekends, etc. Then chances are it’s probably not a bad lifestyle. Of coure there are some exceptions…
But in this case, yes, Gavin and all others opposing how happy people are with the direction their country is going in are jaded cynical fucks, trying a little bit too hard.
11.06.08 at 3:43 pm
Another path to authenticity: grow shitty looking facial hair, buy Fred Perry (because *clearly* you’re on some Oi! shit with that… beard), and then post stupid, half-baked trolls about the futility of voting because they don’t frame your personal ballot in the White House
bonus points for getting served by a “shrill, homely, bald Jew well into his forties” in less than five sentences
11.06.08 at 3:43 pm
If you’re not a Beatles fan, listen to “Helter Skelter” It’s like a precursor to Punk.
11.06.08 at 3:43 pm
“Not exactly that he’s a Beatles fan, just that if hundreds of thousands of people are saying something is good, chances are it’s probably not bad.”
OK, then, by your reasoning, fundamentalist Christianity is cool.
11.06.08 at 3:46 pm
And Celine Dion
11.06.08 at 3:49 pm
love it or leave it.
11.06.08 at 3:53 pm
Wow, a comedian who hates Republicans.
That takes guts!
11.06.08 at 4:16 pm
Hey, I hear that David Cross plans on backing Spank Rock for mayor of Philly. He’s young, black, AND loves booty sweat.
11.06.08 at 4:22 pm
The kids have spoken: Cynicism is over. There will be no more disease, suffering, ethnic tension, or financial chaos now that the Black Messiah has arrived.
And anyone who dares make fun of such wide-eyed, zombie-like gullibility—a gullibility that absolutely ignores history and human nature—is merely putting on a show of being cynical. They can’t possibly mean anything they say. They’re doing it to “be cool” and to “fit in,” unlike anyone who stands in the crowds of hundreds of thousands and believes Obama will bring a New Age of Harmony.
11.06.08 at 4:24 pm
Americans have become so sad and empty that they need their president to be a guru/wet nurse/rock star/daddy for them. Maybe I can someday be so disconnected and Hollywood that my happiness is no longer satisfied by the simple pleasures of sex, drugs, and rock and roll, but instead by “Big Brotha” getting up on a screen and making his angry face at me while dispensing the virtues of the assholes of the world uniting under their lamb to the slaughter love of his being. I don’t need no fucking leader.
The Beatles sucked.
11.06.08 at 4:33 pm
Hey Cross, can you milk that Blue Man Group bit for me one more time? You need to beat that comedic horse carcass a few more times before it’s not funny any more. And you’re right, Obama isn’t a war-monger at all.
11.06.08 at 4:38 pm
Oh David Cross, this is why you are my favorite!
11.06.08 at 4:46 pm
david cross is still awesome.
11.06.08 at 4:51 pm
I bet Obama did pretty well with the mid-life crisis demographic.
11.06.08 at 5:03 pm
Beatles and Kinks. What’s not to like, haters?
11.06.08 at 5:07 pm
1) Paul’s faggotry.
2) John’s bitterness and pussy-whippification.
3) George’s idiotic Eastern mysticism.
4) Ringo’s nose.
Kinks are great.
“Did David just infer that he is a Beatles fan?”
No, he implied it. You inferred it from what he implied.
11.06.08 at 5:12 pm
YEAH I ACTUALLY DONT LIKE THE BEATLES!!!! I WAS BUMMED EVERY YEAR WHEN I WAS YOUNGER BECAUSE MY FAMILY THOUGHT JUST BECAUSE I HAD LONG HAIR I LIKED THE BEATLES. ALL THEYD GET ME FOR MY B-DAY AND X-MAS WAS ALL KINDS OF THEIR MERCH!!! I ONLY LIKE ABOUT 9 OF THEIR SONGS!!! IM SICK OF LIVING A LIE!!! I WANT MY PARENTS TO BUY BACK ALL THAT SHIT AND GET ME THE CAR THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO GET ME FOR MY SWEET SIXTEENTH!!!
11.06.08 at 5:22 pm
@turt: you are a sad, pathetic little man.
11.06.08 at 5:26 pm
Your opinion is very, very important to me, so you just hurt my feelings.
11.06.08 at 5:33 pm
From where I stand, what seems sad and pathetic is when tiny nobody faceless True Believer sheep run screaming to the defense of heroes who couldn’t give a fuck whether they lived or died.
11.06.08 at 5:36 pm
Yeah Turt took it to the extreme, you know what else is over? Taking things way overboard and beyond the initial point.
Randolphin made a good point, and the whole christianity and celine dion thing is bullshit for a couple reasons.
a) The Beatles are bigger than Jesus
b) He said “Of coure there are some exceptions…” and clearly those are exceptions you, cuntflaps.
All or nothing with you fruit cups. It must wear you down.
11.06.08 at 5:41 pm
DON’T RAIN ANY REALITY ON OUR PARADE, MOTHERFUCKERS!
11.06.08 at 5:47 pm
No one said Barack Obama was a messiah, fag.
Even if you don’t like him, you’re along for the ride now, so either start a movement to impeach him, protest him, or accept it. Cocksucker.
11.06.08 at 6:10 pm
Eat your own words like it’s my cock, you homo.
Louis Farrakhan called Obama the Messiah:
http://www.worldnetdaily.com/?pageId=77539
Mother Jones magazine said he has a messiah complex:
http://www.motherjones.com/mojoblog/archives/2008/02/7209_barack_obamas_m.html
More:
http://obamamessiah.blogspot.com/
http://www.obamaformessiah.com/
11.06.08 at 6:17 pm
Cross is kind of a douche sometimes. That Vice Travels DVD where he tries to be funny by being an overzealous patriotic in an expat bar in China was embarrassing and not funny. I felt bad for him watching it.
11.06.08 at 6:27 pm
THE BAND was the greatest group of all time.
11.06.08 at 6:33 pm
Wow! The anti-contrarian-contrarian. Next level shit.
11.06.08 at 6:34 pm
SInce when have Whits People listened to Farrakhan?
11.06.08 at 6:36 pm
“Eat your own words like it’s my cock” could have been the best but you had to push that final”you homo.” …………(sigh)
11.06.08 at 6:36 pm
It’s not that I dislike either the Beatles or Obama; I just think that both are overrated.
11.06.08 at 7:33 pm
so true
11.06.08 at 7:38 pm
lousy nihilists that believe nothing preferring only to criticize all the while filling their lives with emptiness can suck an ugly, scabied cock. your life means nothing – why choose to argue?
11.06.08 at 7:41 pm
That’s a good letter. I hope you guys will still be friends.
11.06.08 at 8:07 pm
As a disgruntled ex-friend of Gavin’s, please allow me to point out This One Thing:
Do you have any idea how much dick Gavin has to suck to get David Cross to write into Street Carnage? It is of the utmost importance so that Gavin can still pretend he’s relevant, and not completely careerless after leaving Vice, the dream job where he could sit and write stupid little captions and get paid, to show his full talentless potential to the world.
He ***needs*** to pretend he is still friends with people like Jimmy Kimmel (who won’t return his calls) or his entire brand will slide down the shitter even faster than it already is.
Do yourself a favor – go watch Sophie Can Walk, the short film Gavin made. It is entirely mediocre, and does a great job of illustrating what a lack of talent Gavin has. His ship has sailed, the small amount of money he got from the sale of vice is dwindling, and he will eventually have a job selling t-shirts at a kiosk in boston’s harvard yard.
11.06.08 at 8:57 pm
wth r u talkin about??? What happened guys ?
11.06.08 at 9:19 pm
I agree with David, and his actual brand of intelligent political satire and commentary..
This site is the ‘Cracked magazine’ equivalent of David’s Mad Magazine
11.06.08 at 9:31 pm
hi this is the real david cross of mr. show and curious george apparently
what truthteller is saying is totally untrue. he should change his name to lieteller.
I LOVE gavin and so does the whole other almost-famous people group.
He’s a talent!
11.06.08 at 9:39 pm
now that’s a good Danish beer
11.06.08 at 10:07 pm
wow truthteller wow….so why is he an “ex” friend?
11.06.08 at 10:07 pm
that being said about THE BAND, why are we even bringing up the beatles. they have nothing on THE BAND. it’s time to leave nyc because your perspective has been buried in boredom. we have a black president now!!!!!! you don’t have to congregate in the LES anymore and go to lit and listen to shitty 90’s music. you can actually be part of the salt.
randolphin said it..
“you blog about the same things and bitch about the same things.”
what is left to complain about? we have a black president named barack and a chief of staff named rahm.
cynicism is dead. save your heart. move to the mountains. throw bloody thrash music away. THE BAND is the greatest group of all time.
and vane$$a you’re the worst. you don’t need a leader because you have no idea what it means to be wild. move to cripple creek.
11.06.08 at 10:08 pm
I agree about the BAND and actually with everything miss appalachian says.
11.06.08 at 10:14 pm
I don’t want to conform to your bullshit. I feel that it’s my right and duty as an American to carry a healthy dose of skepticism directed toward everyone of our leaders, and if Obama’s 1/2 the person he claims to be, he’s in total agreement with me. And what’s so exotic about Rahm Emanuelson? He’s a Jewish-American who attended Sarah Lawrence College. Do you think he’s the first Jew to hold a position of power in the White House? Ever hear of Henry Kissinger? Madeline Albright? Paul Wolfowitz? Scooter Libby? And on and on…The Bush administration has a ton of Jewish people working for it. What? Do you think that Rahm is like some kind of Indian guru name or something? Are you expecting to see an old bearded guy out on the White House lawn doing yoga and instructing Obama in meditation? Hilarious.
11.06.08 at 10:43 pm
fridays are definitely more fun than mondays
11.06.08 at 10:48 pm
David Cross is funny.
You all catching feelings over Gavin’s pissy rant, and people’s even pissier reactions is funnier though.
11.06.08 at 10:59 pm
wow its been awhile, 3 or 4 posts at least, since someone on this site made it clear gavin knows david cross.
11.06.08 at 10:59 pm
David Cross – The choice made is a choice between two different images. I prefer the one chosen, sure, but if you dig into the actual policy positions of the Obama camp, we have every reason to be cynical. The level of cheering, the messhianic fervor, is off the charts. I’m really worried that if that kind of fervor translates into basically deciding anything the Obama administration does is just fucking swell, we’re really fucked. The warm fuzzies have to go and we have to hold his feet to the fire.
11.06.08 at 11:01 pm
Emmanuel volunteered to fight in the Israel Defense forces in ‘91, and his Dad was a member of whattyacallit- that Zionist terrorist group thats so celebrated among Zionists today.
He’s yet another dual citizen…
11.06.08 at 11:05 pm
I do have one quibble with David’s letter. Sarah Palin is not borderline retarded. She is functionally retarded.
11.06.08 at 11:08 pm
Ah, forget it- Disregard all my whining. The bottom line is this: I love dick!!
11.06.08 at 11:51 pm
I changed my mind – I love the Beatles!
11.06.08 at 11:59 pm
Comments ARE cool.
11.07.08 at 1:18 am
The Band, are fucking awesome. Last Waltz = LEGEENNNDARRYY
11.07.08 at 1:51 am
i love it too.
11.07.08 at 5:19 am
and gavin is fucking talented.
11.07.08 at 6:30 am
He capitalizes Black but not white. That’s racist.
He implies that anyone who says they don’t agree with him is merely being “contrarian,” because, really, who would ever sincerely disagree with him?
11.07.08 at 8:05 am
the beatles? really? are we still there? they have always sucked hard, they invented gayness, what else is there to say about them?
11.07.08 at 8:52 am
Until three days ago, the same people who are now insisting that we STAMP OUT CYNICISM were demanding that we QUESTION AUTHORITY.
Both in the animal kingdom and the concrete jungle, wariness is healthier than blind enthusiasm.
11.07.08 at 8:58 am
ok Obama is just another Democrat at the end of the day, but he was clearly the better choice. I think gavin being all loudly cynical about the guy was a little whiny and crabby but it’s worth pointing out that he was the ONLY voice of “celebrity” dissension I came across in months of circular jerking. if anything he was probably galled into puncturing all the smug douches pretending that a two-party system works. all this hoopla proves is he’s still a master of winding people up. the genius of “hey dog owners FUCK YOU” springs to mind. also this “truth teller” guy sounds way too bitter and personally hurt to be telling the truth… reeks of the stench an abandoned loser swabbing the deck at Vice with his own prolapse
the truth is Vice is the brand that is dwindling, from about 2003 on gavin was the main and generally only regular funny writer on there besides Skinema, and the fact Goad has such a huge and funny involvement with this site speaks volumes. Surroosh and jesse and the fat ginger beard guy are presiding over a shadow of Vice’s former self, and the source of that shadow is doing some of his best work. Street Boners is in fact loads better than Viceland.com ever was, it’s way more of a “daily check” thing, the Radio shows are brilliant, the boners are hotter, and having TV carnage there is like having a beer dispenser next to the bong installed in your kitchen counter. also Sophie Can’t Walk was hilarious, it went on maybe 20 sec too long but the concept and execution were jokes, the baby wheelchair thing? c’mon. by way of comparison VBS is cringible, awful awful stuff. like that little skinny wimp they get to go hang out with leather daddies or sewer dwellers of columbia or whateva? uggghhhhhh. no more partisan whining on here ok Vice douches. PS David Cross is definitely heading for slot 3 in Gavin’s marriage.. am I white or am I white. all these love bites and cuddle scuffles come across like dipping the girl’s pigtails in the inkwell except with a garfield mug of jizz on a bald head instead
11.07.08 at 9:29 am
sorry for saying “at the end of the day”. I’m commiting pooicide over it after last lunch
11.07.08 at 9:30 am
nothing is healthy about wariness. it will make you physically sick.
growing your “own” is healthy. raw milk is healthy. we’re north americans for pete sake.
we want pancakes and nitrate free bacon and a dog that listens.
nyc will make you sick one day. punk is dead now. we have overcome ourselves. quality of life overrides coolness.
the LES is dead. i agree that blind enthusiasm is viral, but optimal health is all that matters. can you really look up to a band that you could beat up?
until 3 days ago, we had to hide in nyc among hipsters and bicycle enthusiasts. oh my god if i ever have to see a group of boys measure their dick based on their bicycle i will scream “stop measuring your dick with your bicycle…you’re wearing capri pants!”
let’s just say i will visit harlan, kentucky before i go back to portland. we have a new country.
if you’re still questioning authority…you’re probably constipated.
11.07.08 at 9:50 am
this is the most important site on the web. thank you david cross
11.07.08 at 12:03 pm
photo credit please?
11.07.08 at 12:05 pm
Does it concern anyone that Raymi celebrated Obama’s election?
11.07.08 at 12:19 pm
It concerns me that most Canadians celebrated Obama’s victory but elected a conservative government only weeks prior. Students in Canada we’re busting knuckle babies as Obama won the american election but the student vote here was 70% in favour of a right wing candidate. Clearly, Canadian youth need to set down the bong and start giving a shit.
11.07.08 at 1:27 pm
I have a feeling that Carrot Top and David Cross are going to see their stars meteorically rise during Obama’s cynicism free regime.
11.07.08 at 1:45 pm
it was fun watching the election, it seemed like america finally got to take a shit after holding it in for two years. nevertheless, i am freaked out by the levels of expectant energy aimed at the chap. no individual, let alone an entire administration, can live up to those expectations.
11.07.08 at 1:53 pm
i didn’t read all the comments so i don’t know if this was said before: you guys know david’s taking the piss right? imagine him reading this letter in the voice of his arrested development character and you’ll get the point. it’s pretty obvious to me blind faith in either of two choices forced on you is dumb…
11.07.08 at 1:55 pm
I wish David Cross would come to Pittsburgh and take the piss on me. Oh, but that’s right, at the age of 27 I’m probably too old for him.
11.07.08 at 2:19 pm
No…you’re just incredibly stupid and I’m assuming rather unattractive.
11.07.08 at 6:42 pm
how come everyone from mr show has been on sarah silverman except david cross? i think they have a jew-beef or something? you have yo be jewish to understand what that’s all about. it’s kind of connected to the self-hating stuff. anyways, hope one of them can be a mensch about it because david should have part (even a bit part) on that show.
11.07.08 at 9:32 pm
hooray!!
11.07.08 at 11:06 pm
they used to go out and they have specific penis and specific vagina issues ok, so why don’t you shut your mouth kike
11.07.08 at 11:08 pm
D-LICIOUS
Signed,
Porky Patton!
11.07.08 at 11:09 pm
Noarms Abovehead: SHUT UP!!! you are SO boring! plus you just called gavin a celebrity.
Noarms Abovehead=Gavin
11.08.08 at 12:48 am
Eat a burger David Cross. You look too skinny.
11.08.08 at 12:54 pm
This letter is correct. Mainstream, popular shit is often great, & popular for a reason. Marilyn Monroe, Cadillacs, drunkenness, short skirts, Stephen King, early Beatles/Stones. When you claim not to like these things, you come off like a college student who thinks it’s cool & impressive to only listen to Elf Power & like Wes Anderson movies & eat tofu with nutritional yeast. So shall it be with Barack Obama; he is the Marilyn Monroe/Cadillac/early Rolling Stones of presidents. Quit acting like it’s lame to like him because he’s popular.
11.08.08 at 3:54 pm
It’s lame to ONLY like Obama because he’s popular and charismatic, and I’m sure Obama would agree. I don’t know what things are like where you come from, but the America I live in is filled with people who don’t know anything about the politics behind the man. For example, they have no clue what the appointment of Rahm Emanuel as chief of staff could mean. They just think that it’s some minority guy because of his name. When you blindly accuse people of only disliking a person because they’re popular, you end up operating on the same junior high level that you think you’re so above.
I find it ridiculous that you so cavalierly link the early Beatles and Stones with your little slash. It’s as if to you they’re nothing more than interchangeable English white guys from the 60s with zero discernible differences. I don’t like the Beatles because I feel that their music is overrated and that they garnered an audience because of their boy band like charisma. To a man, I find them to be annoying and whiny, especially John Lennon, the one Beatle who usually gets a pass from those in the know. At a certain point they tried to be serious and it was just silly. The Stones on the other hand backed their early boy bandesque success by eventually dropping some serious shit on us in the form of Beggar’s Banquet, Let it Bleed, Exile on Main Street, etc. I still like their early sixties stuff because it’s a darker counter point to the Beatles’ insipid mop top crooning, but once the late 60s and early 70s hit, they truly brought the goods. They also weren’t immature pseudo-intellectuals who bought into the trendy healing of Indian gurus, and they certainly never let a woman get in the way of doing serious business. They also wrote a compelling legend around themselves, unlike the Beatles who never really evolved beyond People Magazine type fodder.
11.08.08 at 4:20 pm
yeah vaneSSa aint stupid.
11.08.08 at 7:07 pm
“from those in the know.”
- vane$$a
Vanessa, this phrase says it all. You really do consider yourself to be part of some superior cynics society. Astounding.
MUSICALLY speaking, the Beatles are the greatest composers in rock n’ roll. It’s not about appearances, or WHO they were individually, and I think your cynicism, focussed solely on the superficial aspect of the group (i.e. not their MUSIC) says a lot about you and the hipster mentality as a whole
11.09.08 at 8:09 am
[...] Great White Hope. This sentiment was shared by 0 hipsters in the world (not even at this site – see David – see Blognigger) but somehow they get this reputation as, “Totally over it man.” This is [...]
12.16.08 at 12:17 pm
i think the funniest part this post and the ensuing comments is that i have no idea who david cross is or why it would be important to let other people know that you are friends with him, other than the fact that he apparently knows the dreadful comedianne sarah silverman.
i do know who jimmy kimmel is and think he was funny on the man show. however, he became less appealing to watch after it was made public that he stuck it in the silverfish more than once.
i’m going to google david cross. excitedly,i say…
03.15.09 at 10:14 am
i see. he’s basically a thin drew carey with an under-developed appreciation for irony.
03.15.09 at 10:18 am
…who dates the girl that played emily quartermaine from gh.
she, i remember.
03.15.09 at 10:21 am