Instead of working right now, I’m taking a few moments out of my day to tell you about something very important: CSI is the biggest crock of shit ever. You guys should stop doing TV Carnage and just air episodes of CSI: Miami, New York, Las Vegas, Some Girl’s Anus, or wherever the Hell else they film that shit.
I got stoned with my girl last night and we started out watching Law & Order. I get pretty fucking empathetic when I’m stoned, so watching this shit about some little underage rape victim didn’t go over well. It just left me feeling incredibly overwhelmed by this bullshit that really does happen. Best thing about Law & Order: Ice T. It’s just fucking hilarious to see him in that show.
Next up was CSI. Ohmyfuckinggod, could that shit get any more formulaic, ugly, and terribly acted? The lines from Horatio and Morpheus (Lawrence Fishburne) were just fucking terrible: “I came out here because of blah blah, but guess what, I’m gonna be staying for awhile….” Well fuckin’ great. I guess that means you’re gonna continue to ruin half the working world’s night of television because you’ve got 15 fucking different shows that somehow all link together. You’ve got a girl’s hacked-off arm in Miami and her fucking coked-up nose in New York, and it turns our she was a tranny so her gonorrhea infested dicks in Hong Kong.
Is this really what TV has come to? How in the Hell did this happen? I’m gonna need some more positive shit in my life — bring back my Mary Tyler Moore, Happy Days, and cartoons. Also, if you watch CSI religiously, you’re a fucking idiot. Just go watch it stoned and you’ll see what I’m talking about. There’s no “mystery” to figure out. It’s fucking shock value, terrible lines, and convoluted stories that wind on and on like a shitty daytime soap opera that never ends. Throw in a personal dilemma here and there and you’ve got CSI. I couldn’t help but constantly laugh at how awkwardly bad that show is. Fuck off David Caruso, you’re a terrible actor (at least in CSI; dunno about your other shit).
You can file this under useless reader opinion,
-DG
Dear DG,
Call us a fags but we can’t hang with that shit anymore. It’s a new genre: Horror Drama. There was a Law and Order on the other night where the son of the building’s super hated how all the rich people in the building looked down on him and his dad. So, what does he do? Rapes and kills them all. He fucks couples in the ass then blows their heads off (We found the same semen in both victims’ rectums”). Then he starts doing it all over New York. Um, wouldn’t that be the biggest news story ever? That’s not a case. It’s a world event.
Then CSI has this guy who feels so bad about letting his kid get hit by a truck, he shoots his other kids in the face. We had to put on Friday the 13th as a palate cleanser.
It’s probably because people who watch late night TV are usually pretty lonely and lonely people are mad at the world so they want gore. We’re not quite that jaded, yet.
Love
SBTVC
PS: We didn’t even read your letter so sorry if there’s some overlap.
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STREET BONER 1127
Being straight edge as a kid is a great way to rebel against: puking, getting pregnant, and wrapping your parent’s car around a tree.
Bad Behavior has blocked 4426 access attempts in the last 7 days.
Classic it’s-so-bad-it’s-good syndrome.
12.09.09 at 10:41 am
Classic it’s-so-bad-i’m-now-giving-up-tv-forever syndrome.
12.09.09 at 10:53 am
no faggotry here, you’re right SBTVC.
12.09.09 at 11:42 am
i miss homocide: life on the street, cuz on that show like 90% of the murders never got solved, like in real life. csi gives people the false hope that if they got murdered a red head named horatio or a fat bearded guy would put the killer in jail within 60 minutes n a cool montage.
12.09.09 at 11:51 am
I once saw an ep where greg caruso shoots an arab who is about to launch a missile at an airliner on US freedom soil. Street boners just aint what it used to be….am i right here people?? EH?? Yeeeahh…..totaly huh, like you know how it used to be, eh old time readers? Good to be better than others, sure is. Can i get a boner over here? Woooot! So yeah Boners and Penises, Caruso.
12.09.09 at 12:15 pm
my parents tell me they like trying to solve the mysteries
12.09.09 at 12:25 pm
uh…
12.09.09 at 1:46 pm
@real ew: right?
I watched a CSI Miami rerun not long after doing a marathon of “The Wire” season 4… CSI is a cartoon about crime for intellectual four-year-olds. The only thing missing is a purple Glock-toting bear and some bemasked bad guy who always says “drat! you lousy cops!”
12.09.09 at 2:00 pm
i’m pretty sure there’s a name for the logical fallacy where your argument is “watch it high, you’ll see what i’m talking about,” but I don’t remember what it’s called (i was mostly high during college)
12.09.09 at 2:01 pm
Whats happening now is that TV is so bad that no one i know (under the age of whatever) even turns the tv on anymore. You download your TV shows, and you download HUNDREDS of them, because they are awesome. (lars von triers The Kingdom, par example)
After this, TV is going to get Technology-AIDS and die, and the next generation will grow up and all the TV content will be DIY and online, or whatever it is the internet turns into next.
TV now is mostly Grief Porn, and seriously makes me wonder if there is an element of paedophilia in mainstream society that makes them want to watch the subject of kiddie rape every night on Television.
Also, i better eat my spicy wings before my girlfriend gets home
12.09.09 at 3:56 pm
@ew: Damn right, Homicide was one of the most realistic dramas for it’s time, so was the Wire which was probably the best urban drama this decade.
12.09.09 at 4:21 pm
I like SVU where the cops go off on politically/newsworthy observations during their discussions of the case.
“That convenience store clerk was beat up pretty bad.”
“It wasn’t a robbery, it was her husband and brothers. Islamic countries tolerate the abuse of their women, to them it isn’t a crime but a duty.”
“Well, this is America. We don’t read the Koran, we read the Bill of Rights.”
“Let’s pick these boys up, time for a Civics lesson!”
12.09.09 at 4:23 pm
White people LOVE the Wire, ’cause now they know about the streets
It’s so “realistic”, and it’s “urban drama”
12.09.09 at 4:27 pm
Although I never met Ice T in person, I once slept in his office. The whole time I was there I kept thinking, I hope Ice T knows there is a white guy sleeping in his office and doesn’t walk in and freak out and shoot me. At one point the phone rang, and the answering machine kicked in and it was all, Yo Seanny Sean, this is Ice, call me back. It was pretty cool.
12.09.09 at 4:30 pm
@Bitch Made, I’m not white but I’m betting you are and trying way too hard to set yourself apart from other “white people” to prove you’re authentic and those other “white people” are just engaging in urban voyeurism.
12.09.09 at 5:08 pm
“What’s her status?”
“Either dead or dying.”
I wish that was an option on social networking sites for status, besides In A Relationship, It’s Complicated, etc.
12.09.09 at 5:30 pm
thes is an good US show on tevlision. yes right? lol peace!
12.09.09 at 9:27 pm
Horatio is the fucking tits. Fuck off whoever wrote this. You don’t think he knows what he saying is stupid? It’s fucking hilarious.
12.09.09 at 11:08 pm
Jesus. I got through 2 minutes of those one liners, then my brain melted. But yeah, seriously – who watches TV anymore? (Apart from my mum.)
12.10.09 at 5:37 am
Oh man what a side-splitter. Here are some more great ideas for articles: men who are holding their girlfriends’ or wives’ purses! What the fuck???
Or like how about this how about this: chain restaurants are kinda soulless!
12.10.09 at 1:39 pm