Dear Drew,
I need to gauge how filthy a girl will think my porn preferences are in the event it gets discovered. She’s totes clueless about that shit, recently she asked me “do you watch porn”, to which I replied “Errr yeah, sometimes”.
So what I got is mostly it’s dudes ass fucking girls. But the catch is, they pull their dicks out and chicks butthole stays open and u can see way inside. There’s no poopy in there, that’d be yucky. I don’t know why I like to see way down some girls ass, I just do. If they hold open the girls vag I like that too. So it’s equal. Return to the womb fantasy I guess, where’s Freud? Anyway there are some surprisingly HOT pornstars doing this which in my mind justifies it somehow. I think if it ever gets found I’d try and weasel out with “Look this girl is way hot, she’ll get paid top dollar for doing any kind of porn and she chooses to do this; so it must have a fairly wide audience. I’m not that creepy.”
They do some other shit in these videos that I skip past, but it’s still there. Dudes making girls gag on their dicks. I don’t care for it, but she could find it and think that was scary I guess. Otherwise that’s it, no peeing or pooping or puking or farting or fat girls or hairy girls or midgets or blood or gay men or BDSM and no 12 yerar olds. It’s the above mentioned stuff and some good regular style fucking too, with the requisite money shot at the end.
Jenna Haze does it, she’s famous and everyone thinks she’s fine. Then there’s this new chick who’s painfully too hot for porn and she does it, here’s a pic of her, it’s nothing weird. The fact that she’s not some pimpled pregnant trainwreck makes a better case for the gaping bumholes, right? I can’t watch if they got a gross face, even if it’s some close up, just knowing that horse face is there ruins it, deal breaker.
Finally I should say, I have NO desire to do this in real life, not even like anal which is way overrated. I don’t watch that much porn cuz I fuck plenty, but when it’s been a day or 2 I’ll put it on some girl getting butthurt and then… well you know.
kthxbai,
Cthulhu’s Dad
Dear Cthulhu’s Dad,
How long have you been dating this girl that you’re still worried about her finding your porn? Whatever, it doesn’t matter. What guys always seem to be forgetting is that girls are freaks as well, we just do it more subtly. We have all sorts of random shit that we’ve stuck up there, and if you gag at the thought of Hentai porn? Yeah, I’m pretty sure it’s the only way I can get off these days is by watching a 13-year old shool girl get fucked by an Octopus monster from Japan. You know, weird stuff.
I will say this however: Girls are way less visual creatures (thanks *Cosmo*!) so we’re just not into watching guys with floppy cocks run on the beach or anything. Hopefully though, if you ever go history-browsing on your girl’s computer, you’ll find a couple links to BDSMlibrary.com or something, where
your adorable lady-friend rubs one out before bed to images of being tied down and getting gang-raped by a bunch of Pony Gods from Mt. Vesuviaz.
HTH,
Drew
Leave a Reply
Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.
STREET BONER 1127
Being straight edge as a kid is a great way to rebel against: puking, getting pregnant, and wrapping your parent’s car around a tree.
Bad Behavior has blocked 4430 access attempts in the last 7 days.
MOST GIRLS WILL NOT FLIP OUT IF YOU TALK ABOUT THE PORN YOU LIKE IN A HUMOROUS WAY. FOR EXAMPLE YOU MIGHT SAY, “I LIKE VIDEOS WHERE GIRLS TAKE IT UP THE POOPER AND THEIR BUTTS END UP LOOKING LIKE THE HANGAR THEY STORE THE SPACE SHUTTLE IN.”
THE LETTER REVEALS THIS GUY IS TOO STUPID TO THINK OF SOMETHING LIKE THAT, THOUGH. WHICH MAKES ME WONDER HOW THE FUCK DOES HE HAVE A GIRLFRIEND AND I’M STILL SINGLE? SHIT.
02.21.09 at 1:18 pm
Well, thank god.I used to think I had no hope because I watched a certain type of fetish porn. Thing is, I would never actually want that type of thing or be turned on by that type of thing in real life. It just gets me going when I masturbate. Phew. I thought I just wasn’t honest with myself at first, but it’s just a fact that your brain feeds you images to reach a climax and they’re close to meaningless. Pee gone! Ew.
Drew! Answer my cum question! Was it that boring? I just want to know, is it lame to wipe your face with a towel after a facial and in the middle of sex? He comes so fucking much. I swear, his semen is half his body weight.
And, jeez, you’re so damn hard-working. Honestly, I can’t focus when I read Jossip because it stresses me out seeing what a heavy load you have there.
Heavy loads, god. Someone give me some tips. Am I overthinking it?
02.21.09 at 1:32 pm
Shitcock- Cause you say “pooper.” EEeeeewwww. The rest was funny. But… pooper? Oh, honey, no.
02.21.09 at 1:34 pm
Someone find me a poll. I need to vote for Drew.
02.21.09 at 1:37 pm
hahaha thats a screen shot from todays redtube lol
02.21.09 at 2:00 pm
to ha #1
he should either wipe it for you or offer to wipe it for you. if he doesn’t, just do it yourself like, “what, you wouldn’t wipe some slimy shit off if it was on your face?”
if you’re mid coitus, also just do it yourself.
make sure you keep a towel nearby wherever you are boning.
there you go. sex advice minus the obscure references or oblique sentence structures.
go live freely now, you cum-loving young vixen.
02.21.09 at 2:17 pm
Check out Tube 8, it’s my new favorite.
02.21.09 at 2:18 pm
I never cared for the gagging thing either till my girlfriend said she likes to do it so now I like to watch it all the time that and big black dicks fucking white ladies amateur is better
02.21.09 at 3:00 pm
haha! bitch got shafted to the weekend slot.
02.21.09 at 4:14 pm
I like to jerk off to old lady and fat porn. If my lady catches me I can tell her how much better looking she is than the fatties on my computer. It’s not cheating if the girl is uglier than your wife/girlfriend. Notice I didn’t say gay partner. Those people have no morals and don’t need to expand any gray areas.
02.21.09 at 4:32 pm
Most girls love being dominated, but few like dominating. Why?
02.21.09 at 5:57 pm
Dear Cthulhu’s Dad,
Your girlfriend seems like a cunt. Get rid of her.
02.21.09 at 6:27 pm
Drew, you are the voice of the new age woman. Please keep doing this! Are you getting paid yet?
02.21.09 at 7:16 pm
pink sock
02.21.09 at 8:18 pm
Grand theft auto? Porn? uhhhh? gavin missing your roots much?
too bad so sad loser.
02.21.09 at 8:48 pm
totes? this guy said “totes?”
there is nothing hotter than sucking off a guy, getting him to the edge but not allowing him to cum, then punching him in the face when he begs and bloodying him a bit, and then finishing him while verbally abusing him. toooootes.
02.21.09 at 10:43 pm
I chose to ignore the “totes,” just as I chose to ignore the gaping asshole bits. If this guy isn’t ready to come out to his girlfriend, I don’t know why we should be pointing out the obvious before he’s ready.
02.22.09 at 12:08 am
@srsly…unfortunately, very few women would agree. most women really do harbor the same “dominate me” fantasy, not the other way around.
it’s kinda pathetic/boring after a while
02.22.09 at 12:46 am
I WAS USING “POOOPER” IRONICALLY. I’M WORKING ON AN UPPER LEVEL, HERE.
02.22.09 at 1:19 am
wow pretty impressive your actually scared of your girlfriend finding your hardcore porn stash, well heres what you do
she finds it and confronts you…. blame it on her for not satisfying you. say im not into this stuff but you make me want new weird things cause your a bad lay…. shell never bring it up again
02.22.09 at 3:06 am
wow pretty impressive your actually scared of your girlfriend finding your hardcore porn stash, well heres what you do
she finds it and confronts you…. blame it on her for not satisfying you. say im not into this stuff but you make me want new weird things cause your a bad lay…. shell never bring it up again
02.22.09 at 3:06 am
Also…-thanks so much!
Videodrew- Whoa, you’re always so nice… what’s up with accusing someone of being too scared to come out for no good reason? I mean, you’re not the typical female, I bet you get called a lezbian by idiots sometimes. It’s damn annoying.
Shitcock- Sorry, but I just can’t stand talk about feces, especially when discussing sex. Even if it’s ironic of whatever.
02.22.09 at 7:28 am
This reminds me of the fact that Richard Kern is the most boring, pseudo-dirty old man in the history of the world. Oh boy, you’re some creep with a fucking camera and a pair of Mo Green glasses. Like everyone else in this scene, you’d be selling stereos and doing Bob Crane level porn in your garage if not for the little thing known as the internet. Fuck off already. Oh, I’m sorry, wrong web-site…
02.22.09 at 10:01 am
Collect? Just Bookmarks.
02.22.09 at 10:56 am
there’s no greater turn-off than a guy apologizing for his desires. there is nothing that makes the clit shrivel faster than a guy in bed asking “is that okay?” or even worse “suck my cock bitch!” and then laughing as if to assure you that they weren’t really serious and if you don’t want to suck it then you don’t really have to. go back home to mommy, asshole. if a guy has to hide his porn-viewing habits from his partner, it’s pretty much a guarantee that they are not having anything close to the sort of sex either of them wants in the dark little corner of their pumping hearts. great sex has little to do with fillling holes.
02.22.09 at 12:34 pm
Haven’t you read “Might is Right?” Women have no souls. Any guy who gives a shit what women think is definitely giving credit where credit is NOT fucking due.
02.22.09 at 1:04 pm
But don’t tell my girlfriend I said that or I won’t get my twice-a-month mercy fuck.
02.22.09 at 1:12 pm
YOUPORN.COM I LOVE THAT SITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
02.22.09 at 2:51 pm
@ Ha: Yeah, I’m basically always called a lesbian, but it’s because I have a dope sneaker collection. And Gaping assholes+totes= you might be the manliest clit-sucker in the entire world, but it’s hard to tell when all I know about you is three paragraphs on anal fixation porn.
02.22.09 at 2:54 pm
Where’s the photo of the “chick who’s painfully too hot for porn?’ That’s what I’m wondering about.
02.22.09 at 3:17 pm
i like gaping wound porn, you know, like that old hellfire club shit, where you drug some bum and take him home and cut holes in him and fuck the holes
i hope my girlfriend doesn’t find the body! boy would I have some explaining to do
02.22.09 at 5:57 pm
are you aware that hipsterrunoff.com has been hacked and taken over by a hacker who likes linkin park, quotes bob dylan and uses fightclub as his personal “philosiphy” [sic]. it’s relevant, don’t ya think. you should report on it.
02.22.09 at 7:54 pm
Anal gaping is by far the most satisfying and viscerally fucking awesome thing in porn. Maybe even in film.
I can’t believe Nieratko’s mind is blown by even the notion of gapes (see other shittier website) like it’s some crazy piss and shit fiesta. Fucking girls in the ass is normal, healthy, approriate, and wise.
Think about caveman times — without all the gay ass social stigma swirling around anal (literally and figuratativeally), it’s the natural choice for preventing the pregs while also getting off and dominating your lithe, tanned cave lady. Plus it’s a guaranteed Fast Fact that neolithic man always hit it from the back, so I can easily imagine this caveman accidentally slipping it in the wrong hole and just going for it. Like you should do!
PS Anal sex gives you psychic powers
02.22.09 at 9:23 pm
it’s a well-known fact that guys who have anal and foot fetishes have never grown out of wanting to bang the shit out of their alcoholic, overly critical mothers.
02.22.09 at 9:28 pm
SCREW YOUUUU MOMMMIIEEEEEEEE!!! WHO’S YOUR LITLE FUCKING MAN NOW, YOU STUPID WHORE!!!!!
02.22.09 at 9:38 pm
Anal = relatively cheap birth control with psychic powers and free lube
02.22.09 at 9:55 pm
i like rape.
02.22.09 at 10:12 pm
videodrew- yeah, you could have just called me an annoying shitstain. so, yeah, i know you’re nice. that’s why i like you, i guess. you’re a balance of “sweet” and “vile” and “tender” and “butch.” and that’s why it’s fucking annoying when someone accuses you of secretly being a lezbian or a gay man. they can’t fucking comprehend that you’re an almagation of many different labels. that’s the best type of person. anyhow, just a pet peeve of mine. admit it, you fucking hate people who think you’re a lezbian. and then they’re all “well, if you deny it so intensely…” GAWD.
i still don’t think being into gaping assholes means your gay. i don’t see why the fact that it’s a *gaping* asshole and not just anal makes it seem gay. i do think it’s kinda gross, but as long as it’s just something he wants in his porn… only God can judge him.
02.23.09 at 12:25 am
the win goes to joey odessa
first real laugh iv had in a long time
02.23.09 at 12:25 am
amalgamation. fuck. and i said the only God can judge him thing ironically or whatever you dudes call it.
02.23.09 at 12:26 am
Whenever life starts to suck. My Redtube Premium account makes shit awesome.
02.23.09 at 2:10 am
Fuck, I should have used a comma.
02.23.09 at 2:11 am
women like being inferior in bed. fact.
02.23.09 at 2:27 am
woh, dint even see this shit til just now. thx for the reply. there’s an overwhelming amount of trollage here to have fun with here but the time is past and all i really wanted was a response.
she’s down for all kinds of fun stuff so it’s not that i’m worried about shattering her innocence or any of that shit but she hardly uses the internet so her awareness of the availability of great smut is limited.
BTW if ur paying for porn in any way stop now: http://www.puretna.com is better than ketchup
for dude who wanted to see the too hot for hardcore girl click my name, those are soft core glossy pics, google nessa devils for moar goodness. there’s also megan malone.
02.23.09 at 5:18 pm
i don’t think the womb you wish to return to can be found on the other side of a gaping bumhole.
which means you must be a pice of shit.
02.24.09 at 12:28 am
@the great y hope:
For years I dated a girl who called me daddy and took it up the arse with my fist her vag, for serious. This same girl got super upset when I put on porn while we were fucking. Then 5 years later she showed measstraffic com which is a top notch site. One dirty pleasure doesn’t necessarily allow the others, even the seemingly milder ones. Girls (or fellows) can be just as mental as they can be dirty and those traits don’t necessarily go hand in hand.
As far as my vocab in the letter, writing about smut in the tone of an annoying 16yr old (Boxxy) girl = standard ironic discourse for anyforums / comment thread. Lulz get posted son.
kthxbai!!!!!!!!!!11:)~
02.24.09 at 10:19 am
Great reading material. I’ve learned a lot by reading here. Thanks!
01.12.10 at 3:09 am