Dear Drew,
In my last relationship i used to be with a guy who was seriously into drugs and crazy sex. I would almost have considered him to be a sex addict, or maybe just a stimulation addict. I naturally had a lower sex drive than him, and although I tried to keep up it never seemed like enough for him. He often would make me feel bad for not wanting to have sex all the time, and threaten to break up with me on the basis that to him a relationship was nothing without constant and interesting sex. I always despised this view, and abhorred feeling bad about not wanting to have sex sometimes. Well, we’ve been broken up for about a year now. I now have a new boyfriend who is everything the other one is not. He is kind, gentle, sober, and reasonable. He always considers my feelings would NEVER pressure me to have sex. The only problem is that since I am lazy and have a lower sex drive, we hardly ever have sex!!! When we do have sex, it is mediocre at best. It is always very vanilla, and sometimes I cringe at the idea of having sex with him because it is so boring and normal. What is wrong with me!! Is it me that has issues with sex?? Or is the entire package of the ideal man just not possible!?
-Ariella D.
Ariella,
Hey, I hear you. Being in that position fucking sucks. You really like someone and you get along and it’s perfect except you guys sleep next to each other like that Asian woman in the Joy Luck Club does when she’s forced to mary that fat 12-year old prince, ‘just rike blotha and sista.’ If I was Dan Savage I would tell you to either break up with him and find someone you’re compatible with, or talk to him and see if you can find something that turns you both on. But that’s bullshit: talking about sex with your long-term boyfriend is like trying to talk dirty with your gynecologist when he’s got the speculam wedged up there.
So you can either cheat on him, or just wait it out, hope for the best, and invest in a good vibrator. Cheating on him seems like a really good idea off the bat if you’re good at keeping secrets and have loose morals, but the problem is that old adage: Sex IS like pizza. But when people say that they usually mean “even bad sex is still sex so it’s worth it” but that’s also bullshit. Bad sex is like chomping on half-cooked Digiorno’s that’s frozen in the middle. And, best case scenario – you find a discreet fuck buddy who rams that shit so deep into your womb that you’re afraid it’ll burst out of your stomach like that shit in Alien- that’s going to taste like Grimaldi’s. And who wants to go back to frozen pizza after you’ve eaten the best slice in the greater New York area?
So you’ll get resentful of your boyfriend and meanwhile you’re lying to him and the whole thing is just more trouble than it’s worth. It’s better to just stick to the shitty pizza so you don’t know what you’re missing.
Love,
Drew
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STREET BONER 1127
Being straight edge as a kid is a great way to rebel against: puking, getting pregnant, and wrapping your parent’s car around a tree.
Bad Behavior has blocked 4416 access attempts in the last 7 days.
sex schmex
03.30.09 at 3:00 pm
it seems she’s not actually unsatisfied; she doesn’t really care that they don’t have sex that much. she just feels bad about not having sex. well, if you don’t want to, don’t. if she’s happy with that, whence this idea of looking outside the relationship?
03.30.09 at 3:18 pm
loose morals? you’re lecturing her on having loose morals if she cheats? you think her boyfriend’s not cheating on her or wouldn’t if the opporunity for “new, wild and interesting” sex on a regular basis arose? bitch slap yourself for that comment, then wake up and smell the male way of dealing with things.
cheat, cheat, cheat!!!!! cheat till you find that degrading, addictive sex and then wallow in the humiliating aftermath. promise yourself each time you’ll never do it again. wish nothing but ill upon yourself but do not fucking confess in your weak womanly moments.
a guy would NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER be so foolish as to leave great sex behind because of “how bad she made him feel” when he didn’t want it (and any man who would is not a man you want to fuck anyway.) a man would crawl to the ends of the earth and promise the kingdoms of heaven and hell to get the sex back and he’d do it while dating the three other women and promising them what they wanted to hear. there’s absolutely nothing wrong w/a daily slice of grimaldi’s as long as you’re getting the good stuff on the side. what kind of sacrifice is that to make for a great relationship AND great sex? it’s nothing.
everybody wants to rule the world but only men succeed. there’s a reason for that.
(always use protection)
03.30.09 at 3:35 pm
Oh my god, this is it, set in motherfucking stone, I fucking hate you now! I tried, I really did, but you fucking think Grimaldi’s is good pizza??? That shit is the last straw! Its motherfucking pita bread with some half assed chunks of mozz and basil leaves haphazardly tossed on and then Ooohh-la-fuckin-la its baked in a brick oven like I give a shit how its baked! Most over priced retarded boring tourist food in NYC. I hope they paid you for that name drop.
God damn, that pissed me off. Aghhhghghghg I work like two blocks from that shit hole and have to stand directly across from it every day while waiting for the B25(which starting in May won’t even exist double arghghghghg!) There is always a line, always a motherfucking line, if I had a dick I would walk by and jettison piss all over their stupid stupid faces. Guh, I am exasperated, soooo pissssssseeeeeeeeeddddd.
03.30.09 at 3:38 pm
call me on my celly for sex ASAP
03.30.09 at 3:57 pm
Be naked more. If you’re sitting on the couch having a frozen pizza blockbuster night, be naked. Don’t make a thing about it, just be naked and he’ll come around.
For me it’s pavlovian. If there’s a good Seinfeld on and a bare vagina walks by, I want to go in the vagina. But if some flannel pajamas walk by, I can’t remember what’s under there and Elaine’s new boy friend is a close talker.
03.30.09 at 4:13 pm
“The only problem is that since I AM LAZY and have a lower sex drive, we hardly ever have sex!!!”
03.30.09 at 4:20 pm
Your boyfriend is probably gay, FYI.
03.30.09 at 4:26 pm
I ATE A PIZZA ONCE, MAY BE TWICE. HEY LISTEN TO ME!!!
03.30.09 at 4:44 pm
dave savage? more like DAME GOOD ADVICE
am I wit ya or am I wit ya? needa! I jus hit ya. fucking batty bwye
03.30.09 at 5:24 pm
Here’s a start:
Have a “movie night” with just you and your boyfriend. Watch the Mike Leigh movie “Naked.” It should be tame enough for you. When it’s all over, tell your boyfriend that you admire the characters Johnny and Jeremy for the way they treat women. Fasten you seat belt.
And oh yeah, QUIT CRIPPLING HIM. He’s probably too young and stupid to know that his need for your company is nothing but hype.
03.30.09 at 5:58 pm
that was bad advice. just tell yer bf to try harder at getting in your pants. y’know?
03.30.09 at 6:46 pm
go to una..it stomps the shit out of grimaldi’s..
03.30.09 at 7:03 pm
Fuck this bitch. If she knew how to eat ass he’d be up for it all day.
Now go buy every issue of Thunderstruck.
03.30.09 at 7:05 pm
or you can just make him eat you out more. if that don’t work, he’s a fag.
03.30.09 at 7:06 pm
What’s Thunderstruck?
03.30.09 at 7:13 pm
ONE TIME I ATE SOME ASS, WELL ACTUALLY IT WAS A DONKEY, ACTUALLY NO IT WAS A JACKASS, ACTUALLY IT WAS STEVE-O FROM JACKASS I ATE A JACKASS LOLOLOLOLOL
DON’T YOU GUYS MISS ME???
03.30.09 at 7:18 pm
Stick with him. In the words of the husband’s sister in Desperately Seeking Susan, “Beauty Fades”. Meaning… everything gets old, everything gets boring when you’re subjected to it day after day. He sounds like he’s worth it.
03.30.09 at 7:24 pm
I’m hungry.
03.30.09 at 7:25 pm
Jesus, what bunch of quasi-queer pussies.
Especially you Frank, you arm shaving louse. Remove yourself from the pool.
03.30.09 at 8:06 pm
Has anyone considered the fact that she might be ugly?
03.30.09 at 8:12 pm
Dear gavin,
for christmas will u let me beat drew’s skull in with a cinder block? ill even shave of my eyebrows and draw the back on with eyeliner so u post it on youtube as ” oh no she didn’t: xtreme jiggaboo fight 4″. but u’ll probably have to spray paint both of us chocolate brown first.
03.30.09 at 10:28 pm
Drew is a boring cunt and as frigid as the frigid, boring letter-writer.
03.30.09 at 11:13 pm
it must suck to be drew and write this column every week but then be subjected to the barrage of insults here in the comments, but then not really want to back away because you don’t want to look like you cared enough about what all the internet crazies say, but are still kind of wondering if they’re right because if she didn’t have some respect for their opinion, why would she write for them? and kind of just wishing for that jossip normies bubble.
03.30.09 at 11:30 pm
some people don’t mind getting insulted and actually get off on it. it’s fun to push people to their breaking point and have them thisclose to killing you, softly of course. we’re all in the ring, why not try enjoying instead of sweating it.
03.30.09 at 11:46 pm
Oh hey guys, what’s up? Got here a little late… did I miss anything? Nope? Cool check you next week.
03.31.09 at 12:51 am
H8 girls with no sex drive. I bet she lays there like a dead fish and makes the dude do everything. Boyfriend probably hates her and that’s why he doesn’t want to f*ck. H8 Drew’s advice too. If your advice is going to be stupid, at least make it interesting.
03.31.09 at 2:30 am
godamm grimaldis is good! we used to have it every friday at the place i used to work in midtown. i was the asshole PA that had to go pick it up though: It was worth it
03.31.09 at 4:00 am
Thunderstruck, Thunderstrike…same difference!
03.31.09 at 7:52 am
“IT MAKES ME HAPPY AND IT MAKES ME FEEL SAFE WHEN YOU FORCE ME TO DO THINGS. FORCE ME TO DO THINGS. FORCE ME TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU.”
03.31.09 at 10:48 am
this is a work. fake letter.
03.31.09 at 11:18 am
there was one time in my life that i looked at a (white) penis and said out loud that’s not going to fit.
he said yes it will.
he picked up my petite naked body and he sat me right on the it. i screamed so loud.
clearly you are not naked enough and you’re not screaming enough. you should be screaming all the time, simple. he’s just not that into you.
the best pizza is fucking rays.
03.31.09 at 5:00 pm
you should always scream when your petite naked body is placed on a big penis. even if you have a huge, gaping maw of a cooze like mine you must scream or otherwise the man will not think that you are enjoying his penis.
i do the same thing when a guy sticks it in my anus. my anus is stretched like a 12 year old sharpei but i scream anyway. guys like it and it makes me feel good to know that i have a petite body and two gaping holes that men find sexy.
03.31.09 at 10:46 pm
I bet she’s got a vagina that looks like a piece of veal parmesan
04.01.09 at 5:29 am
Drew makes a really good point. Nobody says it, but if your sex life with your partner is shit, it will remain shit forever. You may as well seek help and be like “we can’t have interesting and fun conversations… what should I do?” Um, be less shitty?
And you said yourself YOU are lazy and have a low sex drive. You cite this as the reason you don’t have much sex. Why are you complaining then? You don’t want much sex and you’re not getting much sex. Makes sense.
About him being vanilla… just introduce dirtier things and take initiative. If he’s not open to them, then you’re sex life is going to end your relationship. I’m not a typical hipster or whatever, I’m “old-fashioned”… but it’s just a reality great sex is fundamental.
PS
Sometimes I feel Drew has to say things like “cheat if you want” to fit in more with Gavin’s crowd. Cheating would ruin the relationship more than dull sex would.
04.01.09 at 11:30 am
Drew- They’re disapproval is a pat on the back.
04.01.09 at 11:31 am
Hola. He leído algunos de sus otros puestos y quería saber si estaría interesado en el intercambio de enlaces blogroll?
11.27.09 at 5:10 pm