OK little dude, strap in because the shit I’m gonna tell you is going to suck. The first thing you need to know is: YOU ARE NOT GOING TO HAVE SEX ANYTIME SOON. Seriously, get this through your head.

Once girls get old enough to be interested in sex, they are attracted to boys who are older than them. That girl you’ve liked since second grade? She’s probably giving a handjob to a guy who’s got a car and a job at the mall. Go watch the first half of Fast Times at Ridgemont High and you’ll see what I’m talking about.

Alright, now you’re bummed. Stop crying. I know it sucks and it’s not fair. It’s nature, man, you can’t deny it. But there are some things you can do to combat the situation:

BE GOOD AT SPORTS
Like really, really good. That’ll get you laid.

JOIN A BAND
Being in a band is cool, and girls like cool. Now I mean A band, not THE band. No guy who plays the trombone in marching band has ever had a reason to sniff his fingers except to know what his ass smells like.

GET INTO A SUBCULTURE
Now be careful with this one. Some subcultures are cool: hip hop, rocker, skater, artist, hippie. [Ed's note: Hippie? Really?] And some aren’t: online gaming, rock polishing, rollerblading. You’ll know which one’s coolest by how many girls you see hanging around the guys who are already into it. Example: Art supply store? Very cool. Lots of girls. Indie record store? Very cool, but almost no girls. See what I mean? You totally thought that listening to cool music would get you laid, but it won’t. Be careful.

Once you find a groove, get really, really into it. Buy the records, wear the clothes, sneak out and go to the shows, and make sure all the girls at your school know about it. Especially when you sneak out to do stuff that no one from your high school was around for, like that show you went to or that art exhibit that was totally boring. This will make the girls wonder why they were at some sleepover when they could have snuck out with you.

DO A LOT OF DRUGS
This doesn’t really help you get laid, but if you’re wasted all the time, you won’t really care.

HAVE A LOT OF DRUGS
This DOES help you get laid. Unfortunately it also ultimately puts you at risk of getting arrested, robbed, or kicked out of school. Besides, you’ll have plenty of time to fool around with drugged out skanks who like you for “who you are” in college.

GET A JOB WHERE YOU HANG OUT WITH OLDER PEOPLE
Older guys get laid. Pay attention to them. Watch how they interact with girls. Make friends with older girls and be honest with them. Pay attention to their advice. They are on your side.

GO TO SUMMER CAMP
Almost every girl I know lost her virginity at camp. At camp, age doesn’t matter. In fact, nobody knows you there, so lie your ass off to every girl you meet until one of them agrees to sneak off to the woods with you for a squeezer.

OK, so those are the basics. But now you need to avoid NOT getting laid. This part is a lot harder.

First things first: The more you hang out with girls, the more risk you run of doing something embarrassing in front of them, like farting or popping a spontaneous boner, so use your hang time wisely. You will be in school with these girls for four years, and they DO NOT forget.

You may find yourself becoming very close friends with an attractive girl your own age. She tells you secrets, skips class with you, smokes weed with you, invites you over to her house for movie night. Brace yourself for this one: SHE IS NOT GOING TO FUCK YOU.

Dude, you ever seen that movie Just Friends? This movie is not a comedy — that’s real fucking life. You think you’re allowed to spend the night at her house because her parents want you to fuck her? The only reason you’re there is because you’re basically a chick with a dick. This doesn’t mean don’t hang out with her, just don’t get your hopes up.

But if having a chance with this girl is really important to you, ACT LIKE YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT HER. Don’t be mean. Just act like you couldn’t care less whether she talks to you or not. Pretty girls always want what they can’t have.

You may also find yourself at a party with alcohol and weed and stuff and be a little freaked out. DO NOT LEAVE. You don’t have to get fucked up, but chances are the girls will be experimenting with alcohol and drugs and that is good for you my friend. But hold on a minute. I’m not saying it’s OK to find the most plastered girl there and wait until she passes out. You have to find the girl who’s just wasted enough to look past the fact that you barfed on her shoes in third grade and see that you’re “so sweet.” Sometimes when girls are wasted “sweet” can translate into “let’s fuck.” Take that bull by the horns and ride it because I guarantee that once she sobers up “sweet” will mean “faggot.”

Most importantly, if you find yourself in a conversation with a hot girl and you think she might like you and it’s clearly your turn to say something and you’re flustered, DON’T SAY ANYTHING. Seriously, sometimes the difference between saying something stupid or embarrassing and not saying anything at all is the difference between being a “weirdo loser” and “I can’t talk now because his dick’s in my mouth.”

Of course once you’re a junior or senior you can start honing your game on freshman girls. Now slow down! Don’t get too excited. Remember what you thought about the upperclassmen who were fucking your friends while you sat home on Saturday night squeezing one out to internet porn. Assholes, right? Creepy dirtbags? Do you really want to be like that? What am I saying? Of course you do. Go forth and bone.

OK it’s almost time for bed and I don’t want you to be scared, so let me close with this: IT’S NOT A BAD THING TO NOT GET LAID IN HIGH SCHOOL. Seriously. When you get older, track down the guys who got mad pussy in high school. Usually they’re totally lame, boring guys with nothing to talk about because they were never forced to sharpen their game in order to get some. You’ll get there someday man, I promise. So for now, just focus on working out, listening to good music, riding that skateboard, and hanging with your buds. Because in the future, if one of your friends has to make a choice between fucking a chick or having a Tekken tournament, you’ll be playing one player.

Love,
-BRYAN

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