The other night, I went to bed with a girl after having fairly satisfying sex. Some amount of time later, woke up to her riding me like I was the last train to work. No condom, no foreplay, no consciousness, just reverse-cowgirl and me still trying to wake up from a dream about running against Mayor McCheese. Afterwards, I asked her what that crazy shit was all about, and apparently, I woke her up by rubbing my boner against her ass and jamming my tongue in her mouth and, to quote, “I was down.”
Ignoring the fact that she’s not on the pill and I don’t know if she’s got a whole suite of STDs (this girl is dumb as only as a “licensed beautician / part-time makeup artist” can be), I was just worried my body was taking all these complex actions while I was completely dead asleep. I just quit smoking a month ago and I’m told it boosts your sex drive, but goddamn, this is like weaponizing it. I’m worried I’m gonna fugue out at the bank and tell the teller she has nice tits or something. Tell me this has happened to you so I know I’m not some sort of secret sex criminal?
-BEN
Dear Ben,
As we’ve been screaming since before this site began: condoms schmondoms. You’re not going to get AIDS, and every other STD (including herpes) is a minor inconvenience at worst. Just wash your dick after and you’ll be fine. Oh, and don’t come in her. Only retards get girls pregnant.
Love,
-SBTVC
Send “Dear Street Carnage” letters to SBTVC@StreetCarnage.com
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Condoms schmondoms?? For everyone? or for just guys who fuck girls vaginas?
02.16.10 at 10:57 am
Even, my grandpa wears condoms when he nails my grandma.
02.16.10 at 12:08 pm
its true, i’ve got 875,000 different STD’s since adhering to the “i call bullshit on STD’s” modus operandi, and they are mostly just a minor thing / completely soul crushing (temporarily) enjoy!!
02.16.10 at 12:47 pm
condoms are very important street carnage. tsk tsk/i respectfully disagree.
02.16.10 at 12:48 pm
happened to me once, except it was more of a rape — if a guy can be raped by a girl that is.
Short story — fat neighbor girl kept feeding me shots till i was blacked out. Told my friends she’s drive me home. I woke up in bed naked, her on top riding me raw dog. I said, wtf, get off. She’s like, no — it feels so goood. Then after a couple more no’s she cried and left.
Is that rape? Anyone?
02.16.10 at 1:12 pm
Yes, doosh bergman, it is. Even if she cried.
And I still wanna know wtf is up with the sleep fucking. My boyfriend’s done that a couple times, but he usually wakes up before the foreplay’s over (and it’s usally really awesome crazy half-instinct animal sex). Then again, since she was only “fairly satisfying”, maybe Beauty School Drop-out just hopped right on without so much as a spit prime. So maybe you weren’t sleep fucking for long, Ben. If that makes a difference…
02.16.10 at 1:33 pm
Fuck condoms, you kids are cowards. Do you guys use dental dams? I mean, sex is awesome and you’re only going to be having good sex for maybe another ten years before you’re married and having non-risky-who-gives-a-shit sex. Why come so close to a good thing only to put a piece of fucking plastic between it because you’re scared?
Fuck domes. If a pussy or dick stinks or looks like it has some boils and red marks, you might have some merit…otherwise, non.
02.16.10 at 1:52 pm
sleep fucking happens all the time.
but thats why you need to be in a relationship to make it happen and not have to have a mental freak out about it.
folks….wear a condom.
I know what SBTC is trying to get at, but wear a condom fer chrissake.
Save the condomless (i hate the term “unprotected sex”) sex for committed relationships.
02.16.10 at 2:27 pm
Just to clarify: I finished and she got Plan B the next day and it all worked out and I don’t have dickrot.
Doosh: Yeah, uh, that exact same thing happened to me, but, that’s not “being woken up by your dick” that’s straight-up date rape. FUN HUH?
02.16.10 at 2:44 pm
I heard Plan B doesn’t work very well. My homegirl got that shit and is still in her first trimester. And gays do need to wear condoms. Sorry.
02.16.10 at 3:52 pm
And OH SHIT FAYE REAGAN IS A FUCKING FOX.
02.16.10 at 3:52 pm
I do this shit all the time to my gf..I’ll be rubbing dick all on her and fingerbanging the shit out of her while in a dead sleep… happened to a few girls I was sleeping with when I’d wake up and they’d be on top of me or i’d be rubbing their tits, only happens when I get pretty wasted tho
02.16.10 at 4:21 pm
One time I jerked off in my sleep, aside a girl I had just started seeing. She was hesitant, but brought it to my attention in the morning. I cackled like a madman. We slept together a few times after that and amicably started communicating less and less. She’s friends with many of my girlfriends (first mistake!) and whether or not she shared this incident with them will forever haunt me.
02.16.10 at 4:41 pm
I’m glad to hear this is somewhat universal, at least among the creeps that frequent this site, I was really worried I was gonna end up in court at some point. I’m also really glad I’m now associated with Faye Reagan now. We all have our dreams.
02.16.10 at 4:51 pm
Yep me too, my girl gets sleep raped all the, either I wake up in the middle of it, or she thanks me the next day. The only drawback is I can never have her girlfriends sleep on our bed.
02.16.10 at 5:00 pm
Clayton:
I’ve had to rely on it, like, a baker’s fuckin’ dozen and so far it hasn’t let me down. I have bad condom luck and I dated nothing but not-give-a-fuck slutty girls for awhile, so, there were alot of “incidents”. I guess lucky in pharmaeuctials, unlucky in latex.
02.16.10 at 6:05 pm
no condom = no brain
02.16.10 at 8:21 pm
i once apparently gave my wife a spoon reacharound while i was dead asleep. she said my fingers knew right where to go, even on autopilot.
02.16.10 at 9:10 pm
i’d never fuck w/out a condom. herpes, hpv, chlamydia, they’re all pretty damn serious and fucking gross.
02.16.10 at 9:24 pm
I’m blown away by the support for condoms. Do you guys all live in the good ol US of A where the STI paranoia is high, and maybe the chance of getting them is too?
I don’t consider myself very promiscuous but I’m not lame, I’ve laid fifteen broads (I do count, fuck you) and I’ve never got a chick pregnant or had an STI scare. I live in Canada and I’ve never even had a girl question me going at it without a wrap;
Proof is in the pussy. You don’t need domes.
02.17.10 at 1:13 am
@ Anon;
You’re a fucking dork if you aren’t suspicious about the sight of a pussy with herpes, HPV has a vaccine, and Chlamydia is curable with fucking antibiotic.
What the fuck is wrong with yall?
02.17.10 at 1:16 am
^well i know whats wrong with you. HERPES.
02.17.10 at 5:01 am
“Only retards get girls pregnant.”
Greatest thing i’ve ever read on this site. EVER.
02.17.10 at 6:08 am
This has happened to me quite a few times. After getting a few “Uh… do you remember anything from last night?” speeches while I hadn’t drank a bit, I decided to look it up lest it becomes an awkward or unintentionally criminal experience later on.
It’s called Sexsomnia. Also known as sleep sex or by the always-lovely “banditing”.
Check out the Wikipedia page:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexsomnia
I used to hear that it had some sort of correlation with schizophrenia, but maybe that was just a myth.
03.19.10 at 1:07 am