Last night I watched a 2007 movie with Macaulay Culkin called Sex and Breakfast. Last night a piece of my childhood was reborn and subsequently stomped to death by the realization that my favorite 7-year-old had grown up to be a shitty, shitty, actress.

I don’t know, man, maybe it’s just me, but have you seen this chick recently? She was tolerable in Saved!, but we can’t forget she was working with the most underrated talent of our generation: Mandy Moore. Surely she handed out pointers like candy ;D

Okay so the gist of the movie is this: Two couples. Two dysfunctional sex lives. Solution: group sex therapy…with each other. ZINGER!

I had no clue who the other actors in it were, except for Eliza Dushku who was just pretty and shiny (thank you HD) and horny throughout, but they showed this motherfucker OUT.

This is the part where I admit I didn’t actually watch the whole thing. I fell asleep at about the 45 minute mark, but through some sort of miracle, I woke up to find my Netflix had saved my place. (Thanks, girl!) Even without the whole 90 minutes under my belt, I get it, I got it. Macaulay floated around on set, reading words. “What the fuck am I doing? I hate acting and I hate my dad” was written all over her face.

Now, I also have to admit that I watched Party Monster two days ago. It was on TV and I’d never seen it so I Tivo’d it, which cancelled the 83rd recording of How It’s Made. Sorry, Daddy.

I’m sure many of you have seen this and I have to seriously ask the fans: is this for real? I didn’t get it. At all. I mean I know these guys/gays were fabulous, but whhhatttt? I’ve seen as many interviews with Michael Alig as I could get my fingers on and the Culk totally missed the mark. And puhleeeeasse don’t even get me started on Seth Green. If you FEEL like an over actor, DRESS like an over actor!

So it’s Tuesday and now I’ve seen two semi-recent movies with this lady and I’m an expert. Her upper lip has been injected with a lot of something (it’s so freaky) and when I close my eyes and listen to her speak, I hope to open them and find the actors sitting around a table, going through what we in the biz like to call a READ-THROUGH. I think they’ve pulled the wool over our eyes, guys. Party Monster may have been the recording of a rehearsal for a student film, when 3 days before filming, some dude stumbled upon a dumpster full of exquisite costumes and said, “Whoam whoa, whoa….Uhhh….guys? We should probably film ourselves in these…Also, anyone remember Home Alone?”

America and Michael Jackson loved you and you fucking ruined it, Mac. I really want to know what happened on that 10 year hiatus from the camera. Not to mention, why are you always flaring your nostrils? Stop. It’s distracting me from the soul-snatcher that’s invaded your female body and taken your adult career hostage.

Okay that’s it. Don’t ever see this movie or anything after her gay divorce from the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. Stick with the good ole days when Mac was still a little boy and could act the shit out of a script. We just got out of a really weird year; please save yourself from another reminder of how wrong things can really go. KIERAN 4 LYFE!
- Molly

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