I’m responsible for the Recession. Well, not just me, but myself and my ilk: telephone salespeople. I’ve died and gone to Hell, and I’m a living, speaking tongue of flame selling ad space in trade pubs for Nybbas out of a boiler room in Malebolge. The last ten years of my life on earth were spent misappropriating marketing funds from dopes in some of the worst hit parts of the country. Vain business owners threw tens of thousands of dollars my way for fake magazines in every godforsaken industry under the sun. This bucket of crap is known as the Profiles Industry, it’s kind of like Vanity Publishing but creepier, and it’s the only future for printed publications in end times.

Everything I said was made up. Taking everyone from idiot executives of Fortune 500 companies to family business owners, 250 calls a day. I separated them from their coffers with insider information (and football talk) that was smuggled via bogus research made for cover stories that would never be written. Lies became truth with practice, and we would do anything for a stale beer and box seats at the hockey game sitting on the boss’s knee: “It doesn’t matter if the vice-president was killed in a car wreck -– call the C.F.O. at home on his cell phone. We have a fish-fry target to hit.”

So I risked being pulled apart by horses for five hundred years to send you and
your readership this sales script.

-VINCENT DERMODY
—

SALES SCRIPT

Hello Mr./Mrs._____, my name is _____ and I’m calling you from the DEVIL / DEMON’S NAME command post located on the Burning Plain near The Wood of Suicides. I’m not sure that it’s yourself I should be talking to. I’m just hoping that you could point me in the right direction.

My call is regarding your shipment of souls that we are gathering for his / her wickedness, DEVIL / DEMON’S NAME. The person who gave me your contact information was PURCHASING MANAGER from RING OF HELL / SECTION # and I have spoken to him / her on several occasions. However our main contact has been INVOKE FALLEN ANGEL’S TRUE NAME BACKWARDS and LUCIFER Himself, Old Scratch, The Morning Star that proudly defies the light. His honor has commissioned us to write a major editorial feature on DEVIL / DEMON’S NAME to go into our next issue of Eternal Torment Today. We’ve been working quite closely with LUCIFER, Prince of Seraphim & INVOKE ANYONE OF HIS MAJESTY’S AIDES over the course of the last three months to produce the featured story in the next edition of Eternal Torment Today, over viewing his majesty’s legion of minions. In addition, we are preparing a massive pile of human souls for DEVIL / DEMON’S NAME, the most unholy, to devour at the release party for the October 2011 edition of Eternal Torment Today. It’s going to be quite a party. Other than the DEVIL / DEMON’S NAME, we’ve been directed by several other chieftains in his / her unnatural sanctuary to sort out suitable photography and some relevant press releases for the project. I would have to say that the entire executive board over there has exciting things to say about DEVIL / DEMON’S NAME and his / her future plans, and they feel as foot-soldiers working in The Pit doing their master’s bidding, that they’re clearly working for one of the leaders, so the article will look at that, as well as give us a detailed overview of their operations, schemes, possession and temptation capabilities, and I’m sure that we will be highlighting any ongoing investments into torture and soul-mining they have, as well as new initiatives that INVOKE FALLEN ANGEL’S TRUE NAME BACKWARDS (3X) is planning. It’s going to be a great year as we roll into the apocalypse in 2012. It’s an exiting time. Don’t you agree?

(LISTEN)

The centerpiece of the article will be an in-depth interview with LUCIFER, the gigantic 1,720 foot-tall king of Hell, on the subject of our majesty’s beauty and grooming habits, as well as the recent addition of his new set of wings, which utilize exciting developments in death-ray technology that have really been stirring things up among Moslems and Christians, as you well know. So he’ll be able to give us his own views on the mayhem in your solar system, drawing the darkest kingdom nearer to the light, and the industry in general.

I would fully expect a project of this nature to be at least 8-9 pages and will include approximately 3,500 words of text and a complete range of color photos. It will definitely be a cover story, if not a leading article in the first 50 pages of the next issue of Eternal Torment Today.

We will be looking to reproduce the finished editorial into a brochure for DEMON / DEVIL’S NAME and DEMON / DEVIL’S CHIEF AIDE from RING OF HELL / SECTION # as well as for The Netherworld’s newly redecorated waiting room.
As part of this feature, LUCIFER, the Light-bearer, has had DEMON / DEVIL’S NAME and PURCHASING MANAGER from RING OF HELL / SECTION # produce a listing of his key soul-suppliers and service providers for us, and as you could imagine they have topped-out in excess of trillions all in all, however this list has now been whittled down to just the top 10 Believers, firstly to try to avoid any conflicts of interest between the soul-suppliers, and secondly because there’s limited space available.

The invitation to you, is to see if you would be able to get involved within the exercise yourselves, by way of pledging a part of your virgin-soul and placing a tribute advertorial within the next issue; with the added possibility of some editorial for yourself. I must stress I’m not looking for advertisements containing messages of congrats or testimonials to INVOKE FALLEN ANGEL’S TRUE NAME BACKWARDS but would much rather prefer an advertisement that tells us about your cults / sects capabilities and services, and the current picture of your earthbound sector, in your words, enabling us to paint a picture of how DEVIL / DEMON’S NAME minions work and who they work with.

Can we count on your soul?

(LISTEN)

Great.

There are two levels of selling your soul and taking out a trade ad that makes it known to just about every one of the 2,665,866,736,664 Devils and Demons of the Abyss known in your dimension. Eternal Torment Today proudly claims a B.P.A.-audited 90% of this exciting database as its audience, and with a growing number of Islamic Asuras joining our subscription list; we definitely have the most value for your devotional offering on the market.

The first choice is a partial dedication of your life to evil- and an eternity spent as the in-house squire to the charismatic and terrible belching Demon: BALAAM and his sister, the vengeful ANATH, on the scenic sixth circle of Hell with a majestic morning view of the Wall of Dis and its dueling sunrises, where you will sleep on a bed of rusty shards and fricassee babies for monthly feasts with BALAAM’S Talking Ass as your handler. Maybe you can finally convince the master he is allergic to gluten.

The second and most popular choice so far with the other nine Believers has been complete devotion of the spirit to the Phantom Lord, with an internship under BELIAL, chief of the fourth order of Demons. If you’re lucky you’ll be privy to some classic technique in the art of attraction by this famous old-timer responsible for the fireworks down at Sodom and Gomorrah. A very high-profile position for a very important V.I.P., you will coordinate orgies and sacrifices in his honor and be responsible for preparing his winter gear, as he is most active in the colder months. This is an interview only arrangement; dress-to-impress, if not so lucky you will spend eons in his massive bowels before being asked back for a second interview. This one is closing up quickly, so you will have to act fast.

Now as I’ve said I have plenty of time for copy, and soul-collection. I just need to reserve the space. As one final point I would like to say that I’ve been given a budget so if you don’t have an advertisement and tribute, or a sacrifice and offering ready to go, we’ll take care of it at no extra cost. Sorry, at this time we are not accepting business card size advertisements.

Mr./Mrs._____which one works better for you … Where do we need to be to make this happen?

Great! I’ll let DEMON / DEVIL’S NAME know you are on board.

(HANG UP)
—

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