Please do not read this either. If I die under mysterious circumstances, read this first, then wait a week and read this.
Dear Reader,
Has it been a week since I died (was killed)? Did you read the first letter yet? Did she do it? Yeah, I figured it would take a long time to get answers. Maybe we’ll never know.
Oh man. It sucks being dead. I miss being horny. I miss eating good food. My wife used to make these “steaks Milanese” I think they were called. She’d pound them really thin and then bread and fry them. You could eat a thousand of them. I flew to Argentina the other day to see people make them but it was dark when I got there and everyone was asleep. You can’t eat when you’re dead. The air tastes kind of tinny, or irony, like blood.
I gotta say, I’m not exactly jazzed with the way people are just… I don’t know, moving on. I walk around my old neighborhood and everyone’s going to work, smiling, laughing. Dogs are playing in the park and yellow taxicabs are dropping people off. I wasn’t expecting a big, Biggie Smalls procession with limousines and people crying but shit, even my close friends and family members seem to have picked up the pieces and moved on. It’s like, “Gavin who?” Gavin Me you dicks. I fucking died. I’m gone forever. No more pant jokes. No more rules about sandals. Why aren’t you crying? Hello!? Fuck you. You’re lucky haunting is an urban myth because I would love to scare that apathy right out of your fucking asshole. Aw, fuck it. What am I talking about?
I guess everyone already knows this but to see, and truly experience, how unchanged the world is immediately after you die is kind of a shock. Talk about humbling. Right now I’m looking at some kids returning from school and they are laughing their heads off like I was never born. I can’t hate on them for that but – shit.
Oh, whatever. Even if the president and the Queen and the Pope were all killed at the same time you wouldn’t be able to see it on the average Joe’s face. I’m sure there’s some suffering deep down somewhere that I just can’t see from 13 feet above street level. I guess it’s time to get over myself. Heh. Feels weird saying that when you’re dead.
I don’t want to get into this or I’m going to start crying but holy fuck do I miss my kids. Shit, I’m tearing up again. I can’t even think about my son’s laugh or these stupid ghost tears start floating out of my eyes. They look like cartoon thought bubbles and I feel like they’re made that way to trivialize the dead’s pain. What a cruel joke. God is a prick.
Sorry to blab. I’m bored. Anyway, enjoy your life and don’t think you’re special. Eat a steak. Eat some pussy. God I miss the smell of a woman’s ass. I’d kill myself again just to rest my nose on any female’s crack in the world. Even Star Jones. What an incredible specimen 50 thousand years of evolution has made a woman. And you thought apples have become sweeter.
All right, I better go. Be happy you’re alive and don’t take the miracle of life for granted. To quote Joni Mitchell, “You don’t know what you got, til they put up a parking lot.” Goodbye forever.
Love,
Dead Me
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first post here, holla. I’m Mike. I have a full sleeve on my left arm that includes a city scape in green and blue!
04.01.09 at 10:09 am
the problem with the stimulus plan as it was written is that it fails to address the shortcomings of the banking syst…
oh am I supposed to be commenting on this post? Sorry I couldn’t think of anything to say.
04.01.09 at 10:27 am
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz….
04.01.09 at 10:49 am
Wellwe, wellwe woo woo…the whole father/hubby thing is like a living death it would appear. To ease the guilt of wanting ultimate liberation from the marital trap (death) one speaks glowingly of one’s wife’s ass and one’s tykes upon their “passing.” “That’s right, I’m going to die, not them! Never them!!! I do not dream of taking off in the middle of the night, every single night, and never coming back! Not I!”
LONG-TERM MARRIAGE IS FOR SUCKAS, SUCKAS.
Make no mistake about it, 98% of all married men want to machete their way free.
04.01.09 at 11:04 am
Do you go around sticking your ghost penis in peoples mouths when they’re talking, or loafing ghost poos on peoples heads like those Johnny Ryan ghosts?
04.01.09 at 11:19 am
“Make no mistake about it, 98% of all married men want to machete their way free.”
After one marriage to a woman my age, followed by another to a woman my senior, I came to truly understand the meaning of your unoriginal little proclamation. However, I wised up at the age of 32 and finally married a girl who was 18. To say the least, the only thing I ever feel the need to machete my way out of is her incredibly tight little vice-like multi-orgasmic pussy after I’ve cum, and I mean that in the best, most heavenly way possible.
04.01.09 at 12:00 pm
do you have cancer?
04.01.09 at 12:22 pm
yeah what’s up with all this death shit.
04.01.09 at 12:26 pm
gavin seriously… shut up. like obvzzzz you’re not dead how dumb do you think we are? trynna get us to fall for your prank on april fool’s day huh! nice try.. good thing i remain vigilant.
04.01.09 at 1:18 pm
not gonna read that
04.01.09 at 1:48 pm
You’re killing me, Dead Gavin. I’ll be waiting for you at the potter’s wheel tonight to make sweet ghost love.
04.01.09 at 2:12 pm
Vane$$a,
I imagine your smarmy ass rolling into a conversation like a rollerblading cripple. A lonely as of late lecherous mother fucker attempting to condescend and cock block his way to the fresh produce. But hey, that’s ok. When I’m that age I’m sure I’ll be dropping the same shit on my current crowd like a Japanese hooker at a Mexican buffet.
04.01.09 at 2:17 pm
It’s just a true story, mate. Sorry you felt the need to get all stroppy. I always liked your posts, but hey, if you don’t want me around, I can take my talents elsewhere. I really don’t wanna make any one person feel that uncomfortable. You take care of yourself, and remember, the stress you go through now, will be the ill health you experience later. Peace.
04.01.09 at 2:58 pm
Vane$$a you are so corny and cringe inducing. We’d love it if you could in fact take your “talent” elsewhere. That’d be great, thanks!
Love,
Everyone
04.01.09 at 3:14 pm
Much Better! Now I am sorry you died. Sorry! This sounds all Galapagos Leon Trout on me
04.01.09 at 3:30 pm
I love the hate and I love inducing the hate, especially as it comes from you effete, bitter, completely untalented hipster faggots. That’s my reason for being here. Keep it coming, fat-ass. My day is getting more and more productive by the minute.
04.01.09 at 3:39 pm
I taught Vane$$a how to channel his hate to productive, and now he doesn’t find it hard to impress.
04.01.09 at 3:44 pm
^ I’m actually with you on these comments. Especially the young wife thing, true or false it gives me hope nevertheless. No pun intended.
04.01.09 at 3:47 pm
my ^ was aimed at Vane$$a. Who are u? Lurk moar
04.01.09 at 3:49 pm
Please to come and take me away! Mister Vane$$a do things no man should do to other human. He like the Ed Gein with the furry vagyne face. He say “suck the cock, John Benet!” and then his wriggle worm make a bad face for me.
04.01.09 at 3:50 pm
Sometime we play a stranglepuss. I go to collect a little girl play in streets to bring him. He say he miss a Winehill days chicken coop. Sometime he scream for hour to dead mommy figurine. Not enough, dead mommy alwats want a more. Sometime he pray for big vagyne in sky to take bad thought away for hunger in the little girl pants but most time he make me hurt the pain with more pain for lost boys.
04.01.09 at 3:55 pm
I pretty much just scan the comments sections for Vane$$a posts, and boy does she comment a lot!!
04.01.09 at 3:59 pm
^ the first one was funny but that last one was a bit disturbing
04.01.09 at 4:03 pm
vegan jules, i do the exact opposite. every time I see the $$ or raymis pink name I AdBlock and continue having a good day
04.01.09 at 4:19 pm
McInnes and Beckles are starting to look so old that it won’t be long before it’s hard to tell if they’re animate or what. I keep picturing them playing shuffleboard in Boca and Gavin complaining about all the Jews that cheat him because he’s a minority amongst their kind. Makes me wanna fucking puke, man.
04.01.09 at 4:27 pm
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
04.01.09 at 4:52 pm
Vane$$a, my little possum all candied in pitch, I tend to over associate with most situations. So in effect, I’m aggravated by the thought of you laying your corroded pipe in my 18 year old girlfriend. Aside from that, fuck, I thoroughly enjoy your jabbin’ reed commentary and pounding arrogance.
04.01.09 at 5:38 pm
And of course you do, UR DOING IT RONG.
6,045 women reported burglarized panty drawers last year. 734 women reported locks of hair mysteriously vanishing throughout the night. I hold you 90% responsible for this, you industrious little fag.
04.01.09 at 5:47 pm
This post is actually quite telling.
04.01.09 at 6:20 pm
gavin! stop drunk posting you twaggot.
04.01.09 at 6:21 pm
I’m OK with this post. “Floating tears” are a nice touch. So much envy in the comments…
04.01.09 at 6:57 pm
My dad died recently and late at night i think that he’s doing exactly what this post says… I’m a grown up, very down to earth (pardon the pun) and don’t normally believe in things that aren’t tangible or backed up by hard science, but sometimes, you just gotta wonder…. especially when it’s dark, quiet and you can’t sleep
04.01.09 at 7:28 pm
he’s right, you guys…. Milanesa steak IS delish
04.01.09 at 7:40 pm
That’s not a pun.
04.02.09 at 12:26 am