Do not read this. Print it out and put it in a sealed envelope. Then if (and only if) I die under mysterious circumstances AND my wife is a suspect THEN you can open it. There’s some things I think you should know.
Dear Reader,
Thank you for not reading this until I’m dead and my wife is a suspect. WHAT THE FUCK!? I’m dead? Holy fucking shit I can’t believe I’m fucking dead. My poor kids. What a cunt! My wife killed me? Are you fucking kidding me? Why the fuck would she do that? We were getting along great. I mean, we didn’t fuck every day but we have two kids. That’s how it goes when you have two kids. Why the fucking fuck did she kill me? Do they have any evidence? This makes no sense at all. Why wouldn’t she just divorce me? She’d still get half. In fact, I think she’d get more than my motherfucking life insurance policy! What is she, retarded? Are you sure she killed me dude?
I’m pretty happily married for a dead guy so this whole thing is really blowing my (dead) mind. Jesus. What do my parents think? My poor mother. My poor Grandmother! Shit. Bet she’d never thought she’d outlive me, she’s 90 fucking 4! Oh my God. Oh lord. Oh fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fucking fuck. What a waste. I barely started my life as a grown up.
Okay, I’m calming down a bit now. Let’s take a step back here. Why do you think my wife, of all people, killed me? I have armies of enemies and she is the last, literally the very last person outside of maybe my baby son, who would want to kill me. I’m starting to think you’re lying, actually. Is this a gag? Am I being punked? If so, fuck you. I mean, I’m glad I’m alive so I guess you got me or whatever but what a head trip dude. Shit. Don’t do that again.
Wait, you’re NOT kidding? I AM dead? Holy shit. Dude, stop, I can’t take the headfuck that is the afterlife. Shit. Up and down and up and down. You’re lucky I can’t feel anything because this emotional rollercoaster would have killed me – if I wasn’t already dead – which you seem pretty convinced I am.
I have no idea why my wife killed me but please be sure before you put her away. Sophie and Duncan don’t need to lose another parent. Unless she did it, of course. In which case, get that crazy bitch the fuck away from my kids.
Anyway,
It sucks being dead. Don’t ever kill yourself or get murdered by your wife (allegedly).
Sincerely,
Dead Me
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STREET BONER 1118
Just to be clear, this is not a hole in her tights. It’s a hole in the ass-time continuum that will swallow your entire paycheck if you go near it.
Bad Behavior has blocked 6058 access attempts in the last 7 days.
check minus minus
03.23.09 at 11:27 am
Your eyes…your eyes…in your eyes…your eyes
Shock the Monkey
03.23.09 at 11:29 am
posting about being offed by the wife = subconsciously wanting to get rid of wife.
03.23.09 at 11:30 am
god, you look awful.
03.23.09 at 11:31 am
My son Nicholas hanged himself yesterday. He was only 47. Death is everywhere. Poor little birdie. Something really big is about to happen. I can feel it.
P.S. She killed you because she finally noticed the dried man-semen in the corner of your wayward lips.
03.23.09 at 11:36 am
Oh wow, this is like, so meta.
03.23.09 at 11:46 am
I get it. It’s like the Jensen “Letter From the Grave” but backwards.
http://www.cnn.com/2008/CRIME/02/21/jensen.verdict/
03.23.09 at 12:03 pm
Jesus when you said “do not read this” you weren’t kidding.
03.23.09 at 12:17 pm
will there be open bar at the wake?
03.23.09 at 12:36 pm
Lookin’ sorta ugly there d00d TRY MAKESUP
03.23.09 at 12:55 pm
OK that was really funny
03.23.09 at 1:03 pm
as an avid reader, that was pointless
03.23.09 at 1:47 pm
i hope you do die, you arrogant piece of shit
03.23.09 at 3:08 pm
weak
03.23.09 at 3:14 pm
the only advice you have from being dead is don`t get married. what a waste of an envelope.
03.23.09 at 3:37 pm
What a crustache.
03.23.09 at 3:46 pm
The best-est thing about cocaine isn’t what it does to your eyes (nice shade of red); it’s the paranoia (and the limpdick).
Gav. The police are watching you too.
03.23.09 at 3:55 pm
Okay this was good.
A friend of mine actually hid his own possessions on himself because he realized he wouldn’t remember anything in the morning and it was the perfect opportunity to trick himself. He hid his own shoes behind a mattress in his spare room. It totally worked, until he found them after two hours of frantic, hungover searching, and as soon as he saw them it triggered the memory of placing them there, laughing while he did it, at his future sober self.
03.23.09 at 4:16 pm
dude you look gross here.
03.23.09 at 4:31 pm
this sucks. not funny at all. shitty day for SBTVC
03.23.09 at 6:00 pm
Gavin, you are smoking way too much weed.
03.23.09 at 6:18 pm
why ya face look like dat?
03.23.09 at 6:25 pm
Gavin, you are my best friend.
03.23.09 at 7:33 pm
okay fuck, i guess im in the minority but i fucking died when i read this.
03.23.09 at 8:34 pm
That was the biggest piece of fucking shit I have ever read.
Gavin fuck off, you are so old and retarded.
03.23.09 at 10:02 pm
Shit, your stupid site gave me the name fuckface again! You’re still old and retarded. Tell your brother to call your father and me
Mom
03.23.09 at 10:08 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QRmW52noXEQ
03.23.09 at 10:27 pm
Your wife can kill me anytime. She’s a dream.
03.24.09 at 3:28 am
why do you hate me? gavin, you hate me? you killed me. why did you kill me? because you hate me? you really hate me don’t you? that’s such a mindfuck seeing as we’ve never met, but you somehow found me, took my e, and fucking killed me. thanks.
03.24.09 at 2:15 pm
Dude. I fucking love you gavin. You get a lot of shit from readers. I dont know why they continue to read all your posts if they just want to comment about how much they hate you. Maybe, deep down, they really love you and don’t know how to cope with such a strong feeling. So fuck the haters, and love me.
03.24.09 at 4:24 pm
You look like a dog about to get hit with a rolled-up newspaper.
03.24.09 at 5:12 pm
In other life you were abortion. Your eyes on drug see this. Your mommy killed you previous life. You come to terms with life termination someday.
03.24.09 at 6:32 pm
At least you fulfilled one wish and actually became an abortion … your a good father and a son.
03.24.09 at 6:57 pm
Wouldn`t it be deliciously strange … if he were ACTUALLY dead … what would YOU do ..
03.24.09 at 7:05 pm
gavin’s gonna be on the next season of Intervention.
yea.
drugs are funny though.
03.25.09 at 12:54 am
he looks like a gay
03.25.09 at 3:26 am
Gavin Gavin Gavin … LOL … actually hang on .. say that name three times fast … that is hilarious … I would suck on the pipe as well if I was named after the kid that peed green at my eleventh birthday.
LOL … GAVIN … your such a GAVIN !!
03.25.09 at 9:27 am
I thought this was great.
03.26.09 at 11:53 am
You would Cregator … you would.
03.28.09 at 12:15 am
[...] do not read this either. If I die under mysterious circumstances, read this first, then wait a week and read [...]
04.01.09 at 10:17 am
The cat did.
04.01.09 at 4:26 pm
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA OH MY GOD THAT WAS SO FUNNY! slow day huh?
07.23.09 at 1:36 pm
That was great. Fuck all you people who hate on everything. I bet you couldn’t write or do anything that anyone else (besides your mom) gives a fuck about!
07.29.09 at 1:30 am
Mista Kurtz? He dead.
Oh the horror
07.29.09 at 7:31 pm
plz smoke way more weed gavin rossdale
08.10.09 at 3:44 pm
This was funny, Gavin–fuck the haters.
01.07.10 at 12:29 am