Thanks for saying you liked my travel posts. Coming home is an interesting concept. Sometimes I feel like I don’t have a home. My parents long moved out of the house I grew up in and my apartment, while it’s great and everything isn’t actually mine. Sometimes I feel like my bed is my home (when I’m sad) and sometimes I feel like my friends are my home (when I’m happy). What I didn’t know until this past month is that the only home I really have is myself. I mean, let’s face it, apartments and houses can burn down. Beds can get bugs. Friends are great, but really they’re just other people who will let you down if you depend on them too much.

I needed a break from New York but when I got back I dropped to my knees and kissed the ground. Here is a list of some of the best things about coming home. You too can practice these rituals if you’ve been away on a soul-searching mission for longer than a week and are happy to be back.

EAT AT YOUR FAVORITE PLACE

For me, that place would be Russ and Daughters. Everyone who works there wears white lab coats. It’s a bagel place. Does wearing a white lab coat make me think you know more about bagels then the average shmoe? YES. It’s a fucking science people! This eating establishment has been in the Lower East Side since like, the beginning of New York. It wasn’t even New York yet, it was New Amsterdam.

They have the softest bagels this side of the ocean, a plethora of dried fruit and dark chocolate delights as well as an assortment of bagel spreads that will make you wish you were never born. Wait, what? I mean they’ll make you wish you were born twice. They’ll make you wish you were cloned. Caviar cream cheese? Horseradish cream cheese? Yes please! I like to sit outside on the bench and eat my delicious bagel and watch all the people go into American Apparel (it’s next door) and wonder if I should apply for a job there because I was just away for a month, I’m kind of broke, and I’m eating a delicious bagel at noon on a Tuesday.

MAKE OUT

Grab the first guy who eye fucks you and shove your tongue down his throat. Proceed to spend the next week in bed with him making up names for your unborn children and finding his secret tickle spots. Make a fort, stock up on canned goods, and completely lose yourself in this whirlwind romance even though it’s completely irresponsible and possibly counter productive in the endless quest of finding out who you are and what your place in this world is. I don’t know why you need to do this when you get back into town, but I think it’s sort of like extending the vacation you were just on, giving you a gentle ease back into the hustle and/or bustle of your life. Oh yeah, and making out is fun.

CHANGE UP YOUR STYLE

Hopefully you’ve returned a little bit thinner, a lot tanner, and with lots of new gear. Reinvent yourself as French poet from the 1950s, or a summer camp counselor circa 1979, or buy really sexy underwear things and wear them under a football shirt. Put coal under your eyes and look weird. People will notice and you’ll be like, “Yeah whatever, I just got back from Asia…” and then they’ll think that traveling makes you cooler and they’ll be peanut butter and jealousy.

CLEAN OUT YOUR APARTMENT

If you’ve been living out of a backpack for a few months, you’ll know a lot of the shit you have in your apartment is unnecessary. Like do you really need five ashtrays? Do you need ALL those books about love addiction? (You need one). Do you need those ugly brown clogs you thought would make a comeback, the t-shirt you cut while you were drunk, or the dishes shaped like pizza slices that you’re auntie bought you? Hell to the no! Get rid of it all. Rearrange your bookshelf according to genre and author. It’s neat to look at. Invite friends over for tea and hang up new plants around the window. I guess you can do this stuff whenever, but it feels really good to do when you haven’t been home in a while. It’s a brand new you, right? All right then just say that it is.

EMBRACE JET LAG

Never in my life did I ever think I’d enjoy waking up at 6 AM, but ever since that 20-hour flight fucked me up, it’s what I do. Sure I might get exhausted at around three, but then it’s fun to drink yet another coffee and power through the day. By evening you can snuggle up and read and actually feel tired. Then when you wake up at 6 and have time for yourself. The city is quiet and you can rearrange your bookshelves or go to your favorite eatery and just have a nice morning to yourself before the workday knocks the wind outta your sails. And you know what? Work isn’t even that bad when you get home. Sometimes when you’ve been without work for so long, it feels good to get back into it. At the end of the day you can sit back, relax, and chillax in the fruits of your labor. It’s weird but I missed that.

Related posts:

1. DEAR STREET CARNAGE: HOW TO GET OVER A BREAK UP
2. DEAR STREET CARNAGE: WHAT’S THERE TO DO IN NEW YORK?
3. DEAR STREET CARNAGE: DEAR DREW – CHOKE FUCK
4. DEAR STREET CARNAGE READER 2