Dear Street Carnage,

I thought this would be an appropriate question for you, given your wisdom. Being of marrying age, I’ve started to seriously study which type of woman would suit me best. I’ve identified the following woman-types: (% of female pop. 18-35):

1 – the office-girl (50%) (-includes teachers and nurses)
2 – the eternal-waitress-clubbing ones (5%)
3 – the outdoorsy (15%)
4 – the art-school (includes “Feist”/Cat Power types -5%)
5 – the hippie-chick (5%)
6 – the Wallpaper* chick (10%)
7 – the flagrant punk chick (1%)
8 – the anarcho-chick vegan (3%)
9 – the college chick (lycra tights and uggs) (15%)
10 – the “Be Good Tanyas/Gillian Welsh” /old-fashioned chick (1%)

(I know this doesn’t add up to 100) First, there are more types, but they can all be generated by combining the above (Joanna Newsom, for example, is a combination of 5 and 10, and Emmy Lou Harris is a combination of 6 and 10). Anyway, I decided that most of these types revolt me, except 4,5,8, and 10. (I realize now that the one thing these have in common is *Hirsuteness*. I happen to agree with Mr. Goad that nothing does a man better than a cellulite dimpled ass stuffed with a shock of smegma-flecked curlies. But I digress.) Ideally, the woman I’m looking for might be an overlap of 8 and 10, the hirsuteness and reactionariness of both types being the common factor.

So I’ve settled for now on the anarcho-chick as most appealing, at least on the aesthetic and ideological level. But I need some info on the practical side. Which is where you come in, as one having partaken of much acrage of anarcho-chick real-estate. So just assume I have no game, and give me your playbook…You don’t need it anymore, right?

Best,

Georges

p.s.(Perhaps you need some info about me: I’m a minimalistic one-colour -brown or black or navy blue-Carhardt-wearing anarcho-catholic-christian-grad student who’s basically straight edge, though not zealously so. I see anarcho-punk as being less hedonistic, and more ideologically-driven –the ideology being anarchism (duh)–than punk.)

p.p.s. I really liked your pictorial about your canadian punk days in Ottawa / Montreal. Been reading your musings since the newsprinty, skater/bombing days of Vice.

p.p.p.s The remark “There’s no atheists in foxholes” would, as you said, be ridiculous if you assumed that people meant by it that “you’ll say God exists if I put a gun to your head.” But that’s not what’s meant by the expression. Rather, God is like the father whom you resent (because you owe him for being who you are, but you want to feel as if you’ve gotten to where you are *by yourself*), and whose existence you even deny to your friends and acquaintances when things are going well. But when the going gets tough, (i.e. in this example, when you’ve run out of money and your fast-friends and resources have disappeared–when you’re “in a foxhole”) then all of a sudden you acknowledge his existence. It’s meant to show that people might not believe in God now because they’re too pampered.

But that’s not to say that the existence of God is *generated* by the neediness, rather, it’s to say that the state of neediness is the state through which one can *acknowledge* the existence… (Which reminds me of the Unicorns Hollowe’en song you guys posted today…The message in it seems to be that only poor people (“people in foxholes”) can understand life and give it meaning (“be believers”), which is why we need help from poor people. Being poor, being needy, then, is pre-condition for understanding certain things… Blessed be the meek, etc.)

Related posts:

1. DEAR STREET CARNAGE: THE GIRLS OF WILLIAMSBURG STREET BRAWLS: VOLUME 1
2. PUNK MONDAYS: DEAR STREET CARNAGE: STIFF LITTLE FINGERS’ LYRICS
3. DEAR STREET CARNAGE: GIRLS IN FRONT OF ART
4. DEAR STREET CARNAGE: GIRLS WITH HEELS SITTING ON THE GROUND
5. DEAR STREET CARNAGE: PINK PANTHER PUNK