Having one person tell thousands of people something is a waste of a good Internet. I should be asking you things. Like “lesbians” for example. How do they have sex? I mean, I know they go to Toys in Babeland and get the Pearl Rabbit and the Magic Wand and all that but what about five years down the line? Do they still bust out the extension cords and fire up all that technology every single time they’re horny, or is there a missionary position they can fall back on? Does that scissors thing really work where they rub their pussies together or is that too scratchy?
I’ve heard the term Lesbian Bed Death where dykes get too lazy to fuck each other after a while but I can’t see how LBD wouldn’t come into play almost immediately. How much pussy can one person eat? They say brides smile at weddings because they know they’ll never have to give another blow job but if a carpet-munching bride ever came up with that notion, two entire sex lives would be finished.
Also, if they’re both using sex toys there’d be a tendency for each of them to kind of lie on their backs and face the ceiling and not even be touching each other. Sure it starts out with kissing and licking tongues all sexy but the very act of masturbation requires one’s undivided attention and would inevitably lead to a couple of buddies getting off in the same room on their own — which is what happens in prison.
The cliché is: Bean flickers are grumpy because they’re lacking a good, hard, bang. Now, we know lesbianity is not a matter of not finding the right guy, but it’s kind of hard to deny the majority of rug-munchers are pretty darn sour. Maybe there’s some truth to this “lacking a good fuck” theory. Where gays (who get laid 13 times a day) are basically Bachus anarchists, lezbos are the Grinch that stole parties. They have more rules than a game a kid made up.
I know of a female gay couple that used to take guys home and fuck them because they were trying to make up for their own genital curse, but how long can that last? For them it was a honeymoon thing they look back on with amazement (yes, they’re married).
When straight couples are feeling lazy they can just roll over and stick the round peg in the round hole for two minutes but when muff-divers want a quickie they’re fucked. So what do they do? It must suck, right? Please comment.
Sincerely,
Me
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fisting.
04.17.08 at 10:39 am
the ellen degenerous show
04.17.08 at 11:22 am
The female orgasm is inherently selfish. When a man readies to come, he looks outward at the chick he’s fucking, what she looks like, what she’s doing, how good it is to be fucking her….right….NOW!!!!!
Not so with a woman. No matter how much she adores her dude or enjoys his fucking, she turns inward as orgasm approaches, closing her eyes to retreat into a prepared fantasy that has nothing at all to do with her dude, but instead represents her true, often taboo, desire (fucked by uncle, fucked by brother, fucked by soccer coach, teacher, Orlando Bloom, etc.). A woman about to come is always a million miles away mentally from whatever physical action is happening.
Thus, two women about to come might as well be at opposite ends of the universe for all the “connection” between them.
04.17.08 at 12:48 pm
My guess: it’s a lot of fingering and sex toys for the first 6 months. Then it tapers down to whichever one is horny gets a vibrator put on her by the one that isn’t so horny. Then it’s one of them using the vibrator alone as the other one kisses her or whatever – at best. Eventually, the only time they do it is when a newcomer comes in and can be bothered to break out all the toys. I have no idea if I’m right but I’m guessing lesbian sex is the opposite of gay male sex. In that it’s very, very, rare.
04.17.08 at 1:00 pm
That sucks. I always thought lesbian sex and hot girl on girl action was the same. Either way I love pussy.
04.17.08 at 1:20 pm
They develop an interest in sea life and begin to frequent San Diego’s Sea World, become activists, and eventually move to the Pacific Northwest. As couples, they will scale a mountain. At the peak they will apply strange feministic comparisons between earthy structures and vaginas which will unveil the true meaning of lesbian life. This will temporarily inspire a savage gorging of each others genitalia, a sexual swan song. And, with an air of superiority, they become bitter introverts who spend the rest of their gray breaded lives in a log cabin, wrapped in flannel sheets.
04.17.08 at 1:24 pm
Wow. Not too bright.
Lesbian sex is not just masturbating together. Any more than when straight couples get bored and stop trying new things. Sure, some get lazy, but then there’s still oral, strap-ons and fingers. Simple, easy and fun. After many, many years with the same partner, we still do everything once in a while and the old favorites all the time.
Why would anyone settle for using a vibrator while someone kissed them? I don’t just want to have sex with myself all the time…
04.17.08 at 1:37 pm
Yeah but what’s your missionary position? What would be a typical wednesday night session after a hard day’s work?
04.17.08 at 2:00 pm
yes please, lesbian, describe the typical wednesday night session in explicit, exhaustive, detail.
04.17.08 at 2:39 pm
Someone please give Cultural Theorist a book deal, a grant, a cookie … something good. Brilliant.
04.17.08 at 3:16 pm
I’m going to assume a typical wednesday night session is a sloppy dykey 69.
04.17.08 at 5:16 pm
Wait, according to Cultural Theorist, I have female orgasms.
WTF am I doing wrong?
N
04.17.08 at 7:52 pm
i want some real answers too!
04.17.08 at 10:21 pm
Since the vast majority of women can’t orgasm from regular old penis in vagina sex this argument doesn’t make sex. Its only the same lesbian activities that would ever get us off! Just with a man, I mean. Man or woman. Fingers or oral sex…thats what it takes. The hard banging is good, but its sort of like the foreplay…
04.17.08 at 11:55 pm
Ellen Degenerate
04.18.08 at 10:24 am
I guess only one lesbian reads this site
04.18.08 at 12:06 pm
writing something like this from a supposed straight male perspective is a total farce. you obviously know nothing about women’s bodies, therefore you must be a fag. i’m with marie, faggot.
04.18.08 at 12:41 pm
The female orgasm isn’t internal, guys. Of course girls like to see how they’re being fucked. and if you’re not doing it right, no amount of orlando fantasies will work.
04.18.08 at 6:40 pm
this post, and the subsequent responses, are hilarious. –and totally convincing! i think that i’ve had a change of heart. beckles, marry me?
04.21.08 at 9:10 pm
Cultural Theorist Says:
04.17.08 at 12:48 pm
The female orgasm is inherently selfish.
01.29.09 at 3:13 am
there is a sort of basic thing, you could call it missionary. its almost just foreplay for something more fun, like you know eating pussy, but it works all the same. two girls can just rub up on each other and if you do it right, your pelvic bones hit each other’s clits and it feels realllll good.
07.01.09 at 5:01 pm
I WANNA FUCK A LESBIAN!….(OR TWO)
08.18.09 at 8:21 am
lesbians bore the shit out of me.
10.05.09 at 6:53 pm