I get it. Pee is called “number one” and you are number called “number two.” Okay gotcha, but pulling stunts like this isn’t going to elevate you to number 1. You are still number two, but not in terms of your abilities. You have a lot more than being liquid going for you and may I remind you that you can be liquid too when you want to be. You also reek and come in a wider variety of colors and textures than piss could even have pissy little dreams about.
Has piss ever squeezed air out of it and made a room want to kill your owner? No. Has piss ever been stepped in and had the same amount of effort put into attending to it as you? No. Is calling someone “pisshead” as effective as calling someone “shithead”? No.. Would two girls making out and drinking piss get as much attention as when they do it with you?…Debatable.
And whom am I writing to right now only after showing you to countless people? I’ll give you a hint. Not piss.
So, yes I absolutely love that you did this for me and maybe you just did it because you ARE so incredible, but just in case it was because you were feeling down. Don’t,. You are number one in everyone’s heart and I could give a YOU if piss hears me say it.
Xo
D. Eric Beckles II
Leave a Reply
Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.
D. Eric Beckles I must be so proud. Were you sitting on a Lazy Susan when you did that?
Seriously, that’s a talented anus, and I don’t go around telling everyone that. Also, eat more vegetables.
07.23.08 at 12:54 pm
brilliant
07.23.08 at 1:21 pm
Your shit is a bit too squidgy and light-coloured for my tastes. It should be thicker and stodgier, and a darker colour of brown. And there should be little tiny worms wriggling about in it that you can barely perceive without looking very, very closely.
07.23.08 at 1:33 pm
paragraph two, final sentence. Correct.
07.23.08 at 2:15 pm
Hey, fake Shmoopy, if you’re going to be bitin’ my handle, at least be clever and/or witty.
07.23.08 at 2:29 pm
You might wanna see a Dr. about that. Serious, I mean, shitting a question mark or an occasional number 7 isnt unheard of but, a completely intact, legible and deliberate Sesame Street quality number Two? Thats almost obscene. Its like your rectum is screaming at you for fucksakes.
07.23.08 at 10:29 pm
oh man you whooped my ass at giant turds. i have a picture of my biggest turd(taken in a hospital restroom in grand haven michigan when i was like 14 in black and white 35mm with a quarter dropped in the toilet for scale) and its nowhere near that size. Hats off to you.
07.24.08 at 12:44 am
you wasted that quarter
03.24.09 at 2:41 am
i mean like…a bag of utz bbq dipsy doodles or whatever the utz version is called? mad good
03.24.09 at 2:42 am