One of the great things about booze is it teaches you to look on the bright side. Remember the fucking douchebags you used to hang around with in college? You were able to tolerate them because alcohol trained your brain to ignore the ponytail and the love of deep house and just focus on the fact that he wears Chuck Taylors and thinks wedgies are “often or sometimes justified.”
The obvious problem with beer goggles is the inevitable coyote arms it brings regardless of your gender, sexual preference or social status. Another, more recent side effect to impaired judgment goes well beyond “drunk dialing” and leads us to a thing called “drunk buying.” Popular movie star PJ Clapp was one of the first to notice every time he was hungover his morning email was full of confirmations that his confederate surfboard would be delivered shortly and his ten foot Johnny Cash silhouette has already been shipped. Since his initial research several years ago, internet shopping has become something that affects us all.
Which brings me to my next point. What the fuck was I thinking? I spent $52.85 on two fucking stickers that are probably worth about three dollars combined. While happily buzzed on Maker’s Mark I saw an ad on the internet for Gelaskins and enthusiastically took them up on their offer. Now, the word “gel” makes you think of a soft, malleable surface that is both satisfying to the touch and damage-preventing. A sober, skeptical brain would have doubted the advertizers felt the same way and said, “These are probably just stickers” but a drunk brain ignores that kind of black hat thinking and says, “I am going to see these Gelaskins as half-full and assume they are both a crystal clear graphic of one of my favorite artists and also a super-futuristic new wrap-around technology that will protect my iPhone and laptop from basically anything.”
Wrong, me. It’s just two printouts on 3M sticker paper. Way to go booze. You owe me $52.85. I am willing to accept your payment in you.
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Have done. I hear you.
02.05.08 at 10:27 am
Agreed, which is why I’m the proud owner of John Bartlett’s dictionary of Americanisms. Actually I love that shit. Thanks booze.
02.05.08 at 10:52 am
american flag vans slip-ons (one size too small),
scale model of the titanic,
remote control helicopter,
doodle tattoos,
osama bin laden t-shirt…
do not shop drunk or even hungover
02.05.08 at 7:28 pm
The same thing happened to my French-Canadian grandpa, only instead of Maker’s Mark he was drinking Sambuca and instead of buying fifty-two dollars worth of Ralph Steadman stickers he fell face-first into a campfire.
02.05.08 at 10:41 pm
way to go this is funny 2 me
02.07.08 at 5:11 pm
I bought a scale model of the titanic as well as american flag van slip-ons.
Why I then proceed to blame it on alcohol and not my appetite for all things hip makes no sense at all.
02.07.08 at 10:53 pm
Just get that website drunk and sell the stuff back to it
02.09.08 at 9:58 pm
Winsor Pilates VHS tapes. I have played you exactly NO times.
02.14.08 at 4:30 pm
johnny cash “everybody loves a nut” lp (with bent corner)-$45.00!!
wacky orange and grey Astros cap that doesn’t fit and wouldn’t even look cool on andrew reynolds
“original” powell peralta ray barbee pro model (with tarot card graphic, which later turned out to be a shitty Powell reissue.
Damn you, Amazon.
02.15.08 at 3:52 pm
[...] while wasted has brought a lot of stupid shit into my life. I spent $50 on what I thought would be a protective skin for my laptop but was actually just a stick… I spent the same amount on a Cheech & Chong shirt even though I don’t like Cheech & [...]
04.24.09 at 9:32 am
they are fucking awesome tho
04.29.09 at 3:48 pm