This big place we call planet Earth is full of many different types of vagina: black ones, white ones, deep ones, dry ones, chinky ones, Jewy ones, big, wet, sloppy ones and ugly ones that make you pull that “uh-uh, I ain’t goin’ down there” face. They’re like Pokemon were in the ’90s: You gotta catch ‘em all. That includes the nasty looking ones, even if only for archival purposes.

Every once in a while, you’ll come across a vagina that stands clit and ovaries above every other one. It feels like the “Curb your Enthusiasm” of pussy, whereas everything else is more like “Two & a Half Men” or “Glee.” It smells like water and tastes like fruit punch Snapple. Feels good too, don’t it?

Well, guess what? You just had some “Enchanted Vagina.” Hold on to that pussy and treasure it dearly because it doesn’t come around often. Let’s take a moment to salute all the great Enchanted Vagina of the world.

BEST VOCALLY ENCHANTED POP VAGINA: LADY GAGA

There’s only one way you can make songs as catchy as “Bad Romance” and “Poker Face.” Yep, you guessed it: Her vagina wrote them. If that doesn’t sound plausible, then I guess you’re forgetting that HER VAGINA IS FUCKIN’ ENCHANTED.
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BEST ENCHANTED AFRICAN AMERICAN VAGINA: MIZZ BOOTY

Yup, that’s a large ass. YUP, it kinda looks like cottage cheese stuffed in a garbage bag made of more cottage cheese. But once your penis enters that sweet chocolate pie of a vagina, you’ll forget that you’re fucking the bottom half of that fat blob from “Precious.” Shit, you’ll probably forget your name and the fact that you don’t even like black chicks too.
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BEST ENCHANTED MATURE VAGINA: THAT FUNNY WHITE CHICK FROM ALL THOSE MOVIES

Fuck, this bitch is funny. She owns every movie she’s in. So what if she has reoccurring roles in “Two and a Half Men” and “Glee?” If you went to a bar with her, she’d have you laughing so hard that she could easily convince you to pour beer on her crotch and lick it dry with your mouth. No sane man would ever do stuff like that in public, but enchanted pussy be drivin’ niggaz crazy and shit.
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BEST ENCHANTED CARTOON VAGINA: THE DAUGHTER FROM “THE CLEVELAND SHOW”

Apart from actually having sex with another man, masturbating to cartoons is probably the gayest thing any straight man could ever admit to doing. But somehow, this woman kinda makes it OK fantasize about a drawing. I think she’s more of a “young girl” than an actual woman, but hey, who’s counting?
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BEST ENCHANTED “IM CONFUSED, THIS IS WORNG” VAGINA

Another really gay thing a dude could do is admit to getting a hard-on over another man. It’s embarrassing. But like natural disasters and high-crime rates in ethnic-minority communities, it happens. I guess Prince is probably the sexiest man-woman ever. If you put a wig on him and the right makeup, and take the right drugs, he’d be an eight or above, no probs. I’m not sure what he looks like now, but “Purple Rain” prince was probably better looking than your current fuck-buddy. Did I say that out loud? Fuck….

-DONALD CRUNK
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